The social life of a non-drinker...
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The social life of a non-drinker...
sucks.
Last night I attended a fun improv show that a friend of mine was in. Went there with my wife and a group, laughed really hard. After the show, of course, the improv troupe was going for drinks. Because that's what normal people do after a show. My group went as well, including my wife. We stayed for 1/2 of a beer and I was itching to leave of course because I am not normal and I cannot drink. So we bailed on what was a really fun time and also skipped what was going to be a great dinner at a Korean bbq joint. All because I can't fing drink and just didn't want to be around people drinking.
Then today we had plans with a really fun couple friend of ours to get brunch. As most of us know, brunch in the modern era includes copious booze - so instead of heading out on a lazy Sunday, enjoying the city with a couple friend and getting brunch, I had my wife cancel the plans. Just didn't fing feel like refusing the drink, watching the couple drink with all the other normal people drinking. So missed out on that fun social time where I could have been social and sober b/c my AV is throwing a pity-party today.
There are many worse things to be upset about, real life tragedies that people have to face, and I am so lucky to have my life. I know what sobriety gives to me and there is simply no way I am ever drinking again.
But as a social person, with a social wife, who enjoys being out and doing things, sometimes it just really sucks that alcohol is the great equalizer for everyone else. Yes, there are plenty of people who don't drink, and plenty of things to do sober with people - but I'm lying to myself if I don't admit that the majority of friends and family I know (in fact outside of AA/this site/my father, I know of NO non-drinkers) - alcohol is what they do socially. It's fun. It just is, for those without the demon.
I don't need to dredge up the truth about what alcohol does to me. I'm not tempted in any way to drink. I'm just pissed.
Ok thanks.
Last night I attended a fun improv show that a friend of mine was in. Went there with my wife and a group, laughed really hard. After the show, of course, the improv troupe was going for drinks. Because that's what normal people do after a show. My group went as well, including my wife. We stayed for 1/2 of a beer and I was itching to leave of course because I am not normal and I cannot drink. So we bailed on what was a really fun time and also skipped what was going to be a great dinner at a Korean bbq joint. All because I can't fing drink and just didn't want to be around people drinking.
Then today we had plans with a really fun couple friend of ours to get brunch. As most of us know, brunch in the modern era includes copious booze - so instead of heading out on a lazy Sunday, enjoying the city with a couple friend and getting brunch, I had my wife cancel the plans. Just didn't fing feel like refusing the drink, watching the couple drink with all the other normal people drinking. So missed out on that fun social time where I could have been social and sober b/c my AV is throwing a pity-party today.
There are many worse things to be upset about, real life tragedies that people have to face, and I am so lucky to have my life. I know what sobriety gives to me and there is simply no way I am ever drinking again.
But as a social person, with a social wife, who enjoys being out and doing things, sometimes it just really sucks that alcohol is the great equalizer for everyone else. Yes, there are plenty of people who don't drink, and plenty of things to do sober with people - but I'm lying to myself if I don't admit that the majority of friends and family I know (in fact outside of AA/this site/my father, I know of NO non-drinkers) - alcohol is what they do socially. It's fun. It just is, for those without the demon.
I don't need to dredge up the truth about what alcohol does to me. I'm not tempted in any way to drink. I'm just pissed.
Ok thanks.
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Sounds like AV to me LG. There are lots and lots of people who have very vibrant social lives that don't drink - and many of them aren't alcoholics either.
Sure, hanging out in boozy bars or drunk-fest parties may not be on your list of activities to participate in anymore, but there are literally scores of things to "do" socially that don't involve drinking - or at least where drinking is not the primary focus. Dancing, concerts, fine arts, athletic events, spiritual events - the list is long and wide. Even at social events where drinking is prevalent there are plenty of people not drinking too. Weddings, graduation parties, backyard barbecues - the notion that "everyone" is drinking or that you need to drink to have fun is Pure AV.
Sure, hanging out in boozy bars or drunk-fest parties may not be on your list of activities to participate in anymore, but there are literally scores of things to "do" socially that don't involve drinking - or at least where drinking is not the primary focus. Dancing, concerts, fine arts, athletic events, spiritual events - the list is long and wide. Even at social events where drinking is prevalent there are plenty of people not drinking too. Weddings, graduation parties, backyard barbecues - the notion that "everyone" is drinking or that you need to drink to have fun is Pure AV.
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Originally Posted by ScottFromWI 
Dancing, concerts, fine arts, athletic events, spiritual events - the list is long and wide. Even at social events where drinking is prevalent there are plenty of people not drinking too. Weddings, graduation parties, backyard barbecues - the notion that "everyone" is drinking or that you need to drink to have fun is Pure AV.
Not sure what social group or age you move with Scott, but as a 41yo with plenty of friends in their 30s and 50s - the majority of every event involves drinking. They just do. Philharmonic - wine in plastic cups under the stars. Improv show - craft beers afterwards. Triathalon - beer and oranges under the tents. Late night at the museum - drinks with the music. Weekend house at the beach with friends - drinks all day in the sun. Business event with politicians - cocktail hour for all. I'm sorry but it's just life. Most people DO NOT get wasted like we do. Instead the vast majority of people I know, drink at social events.
I never said anything like "I need to drink to have fun" - in fact I find myself sober around drinkers and I'm having more fun and being more social than I would if I was hunting after the next drink.
However, call it the AV, call it reality, or tell me that I'm misguided and there is the population of non-drinkers out there - the truth is every social event that I can think of includes booze.
It's not easy to be a social non-drinker sometimes. And this is not going to get me to drink in any way, but it's something that I, perhaps others staying sober, have to acknowledge.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
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I have to agree with Scott, sounds like AV to me. I have no social life when I’m drinking... True, I’m an introvert and I’d usually lock myself in my flat with gazillion bottles, but even if I drink when I’m out with friends, I stop caring about anything else other than how to get more booze. So it’s not about a cool fun event I’m attending, or people, or music, it’s getting wasted as fast as possible, everything else is just an excuse... and this truly sucks.
I had 90 sober days back in October (my longest stretch of sobriety), and that was when I was the most social, going to gigs, films, theatres, zine fests, markets, always surrounded by my friends drinking. (I’m in my 20s, everyone drinks) It didn’t bother me, because I was so happy that there’s finally something else on my mind other than calculating how to sneak booze.
Idk just my experience.
Glad you’re strong in your sobriety Less! Best of luck to you.
I had 90 sober days back in October (my longest stretch of sobriety), and that was when I was the most social, going to gigs, films, theatres, zine fests, markets, always surrounded by my friends drinking. (I’m in my 20s, everyone drinks) It didn’t bother me, because I was so happy that there’s finally something else on my mind other than calculating how to sneak booze.
Idk just my experience.
Glad you’re strong in your sobriety Less! Best of luck to you.
saoutchik
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,187
It will not always be like that lg. Once you have accumulated some sober time then something like that restaurant scenario you described will become doable until maybe towards the end when the eating is finished and the drinkers are intent on drinking.
I find that as long as the focus is not on alcohol then I can be in its presence for a time without it spoiling things. Sure I have missed some social events but have attended others that I would have ignored as an alcoholic. The fact that you are avoiding these things now shows that you mean business.
I find that as long as the focus is not on alcohol then I can be in its presence for a time without it spoiling things. Sure I have missed some social events but have attended others that I would have ignored as an alcoholic. The fact that you are avoiding these things now shows that you mean business.
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I hear what you're saying LG. You seem to know its AV but you feel you need to get it out there....that's a good thing!
Like saoutchik said, time. Maybe quite a bit of time. But change is something we can always count on. You will progress and grow. But it could take a year or two. I guess it takes what it takes. You'll find what works when you're ready.
Like saoutchik said, time. Maybe quite a bit of time. But change is something we can always count on. You will progress and grow. But it could take a year or two. I guess it takes what it takes. You'll find what works when you're ready.
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Location: Chicago
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I'm 46 (almost 47) , a non-drinker and not an alcoholic. I can attest that neither my social life, nor the events my spouse and I attend, in any way revolve around drinking. And when there is drinking it's just another thing that is happening, like the food or the conversation.
I imagine in early sobriety it can certainly feel like drinking is everywhere and the main focus all the time. That must be very challenging. I think it's good you're able to talk about the frustration while keeping your feet in where and who you really want to be.
I imagine in early sobriety it can certainly feel like drinking is everywhere and the main focus all the time. That must be very challenging. I think it's good you're able to talk about the frustration while keeping your feet in where and who you really want to be.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
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I’m not sure where you are in recovery but I know I’ve felt like that before.
Nowadays with over four years of sobriety, I go out with friends who drink or to places and events where drinking is a part of the thing, I drink water or a soda and I have a great time right along with everyone else.
Nobody cares that I’m not drinking. They don’t like, love or respect me any differently.... my life is very social when I want or need it to be and alcohol is just a thing that other people do. I don’t choose to. And it’s fine.
Keep doing the work of sobriety and you’ll be free of the burden.
Nowadays with over four years of sobriety, I go out with friends who drink or to places and events where drinking is a part of the thing, I drink water or a soda and I have a great time right along with everyone else.
Nobody cares that I’m not drinking. They don’t like, love or respect me any differently.... my life is very social when I want or need it to be and alcohol is just a thing that other people do. I don’t choose to. And it’s fine.
Keep doing the work of sobriety and you’ll be free of the burden.
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Originally Posted by lessgravity
Not sure what social group or age you move with Scott, but as a 41yo with plenty of friends in their 30s and 50s - the majority of every event involves drinking. They just do. Philharmonic - wine in plastic cups under the stars. Improv show - craft beers afterwards. Triathalon - beer and oranges under the tents. Late night at the museum - drinks with the music. Weekend house at the beach with friends - drinks all day in the sun. Business event with politicians - cocktail hour for all. I'm sorry but it's just life. Most people DO NOT get wasted like we do. Instead the vast majority of people I know, drink at social events.
My point is though - your AV is trying to equate being social with drinking alcohol. And while certainly a lot of people DO drink at social events, for most of them that is not the main reason for being there. Your AV wants you to think so - read the title of your thread : "the social life of a non-drinker sucks". That's pure unadulterated BS being fed to you by your addiction man - and you know it.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Kansas City, MO
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My social life sucked when I was drinking. Constantly monitoring how much and how fast I was drinking. Worried about how I sounded and how I was going to get home. I hated myself as a drinker, and that bled over into my interaction with others. I'm pissed that I wasted 30 years of my life in this nightmare merry-go-round.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 780
I enjoy going to social activities and not waking up in the middle of the night feeling like death anymore.
And I was surprised at the number of people who DON’T drink at social activities once I quit drinking and focused on the activity rather than my next drink.
It’s tough in the beginning but gets better.
And I was surprised at the number of people who DON’T drink at social activities once I quit drinking and focused on the activity rather than my next drink.
It’s tough in the beginning but gets better.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 269
Originally Posted by lessgravity
...the majority of every event involves drinking. They just do. Philharmonic - Most people DO NOT get wasted like we do. Instead the vast majority of people I know, drink at social events.
...the truth is every social event that I can think of includes booze.
Your voice and your AV were at a battle of wills in your post.
"Social life of a non drinker sucks"= AV
" in fact I find myself sober around drinkers and I'm having more fun and being more social than I would if I was hunting after the next drink" --Your voice
"It's not easy to be a social non-drinker sometimes"--AV
"... I'm not tempted in any way to drink. I'm just pissed"---You're not pissed, your AV is pissed.
As others have said, the AV will stop protesting so much with time (I'm looking forward to this too). A user named Andante gave me some great advice this week about the importance of changing our thought patterns in regards to alcohol. He said that with time, active effort, and training he was able to rewire his brain so to speak to never look at alcohol as a source of pleasure. This was a revelation to me and really valuable.
True social drinkers without "the demon" do get some sort of pleasure from alcohol. But that ship has sailed for people like us, and there is no returning to the way it used to be. For us, alcohol only brings on that awful compulsion for more more more, awakens the beast, and ultimately brings nothing but misery. Just like Pavlov's trained his dogs to drool with the ring of a bell, we can train our brains to only remember the misery alcohol brings us at the mere thought of drinking it.
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 47
Originally Posted by lessgravity
No question it's AV chatter. However I have to be honest and smirk at this line of thinking.
Not sure what social group or age you move with Scott, but as a 41yo with plenty of friends in their 30s and 50s - the majority of every event involves drinking. They just do. Philharmonic - wine in plastic cups under the stars. Improv show - craft beers afterwards. Triathalon - beer and oranges under the tents. Late night at the museum - drinks with the music. Weekend house at the beach with friends - drinks all day in the sun. Business event with politicians - cocktail hour for all. I'm sorry but it's just life. Most people DO NOT get wasted like we do. Instead the vast majority of people I know, drink at social events.
I never said anything like "I need to drink to have fun" - in fact I find myself sober around drinkers and I'm having more fun and being more social than I would if I was hunting after the next drink.
However, call it the AV, call it reality, or tell me that I'm misguided and there is the population of non-drinkers out there - the truth is every social event that I can think of includes booze.
It's not easy to be a social non-drinker sometimes. And this is not going to get me to drink in any way, but it's something that I, perhaps others staying sober, have to acknowledge.
Not sure what social group or age you move with Scott, but as a 41yo with plenty of friends in their 30s and 50s - the majority of every event involves drinking. They just do. Philharmonic - wine in plastic cups under the stars. Improv show - craft beers afterwards. Triathalon - beer and oranges under the tents. Late night at the museum - drinks with the music. Weekend house at the beach with friends - drinks all day in the sun. Business event with politicians - cocktail hour for all. I'm sorry but it's just life. Most people DO NOT get wasted like we do. Instead the vast majority of people I know, drink at social events.
I never said anything like "I need to drink to have fun" - in fact I find myself sober around drinkers and I'm having more fun and being more social than I would if I was hunting after the next drink.
However, call it the AV, call it reality, or tell me that I'm misguided and there is the population of non-drinkers out there - the truth is every social event that I can think of includes booze.
It's not easy to be a social non-drinker sometimes. And this is not going to get me to drink in any way, but it's something that I, perhaps others staying sober, have to acknowledge.
I consider myself an alcoholic but I was never one to get out of control. I actually hated being drunk and being around drunks. I drank until I hit my buzz then slowed down. If I was with my drinking buddies I'd get two at a time in the beginning with them. After the 4th or 5th beer I'd slow way down while they'd still grab two beers at a time from the fridge and continue to chug them down. It wouldn't be long before they'd start slurring and stumbling. Talking incoherently and not shutting up thats when it was time for me to go they were way to annoying.
Just because I didn't drink past the buzz doesn't mean I am not an alcoholic. My life still revolved around alcohol, I'd plan my days around when and where I could drink, couldn't wait to get off until I could get my 6 pack for the night. I'm willing to bet that a lot of these people that you think drink responsibly are far from it and could use some sobriety themselves.
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Bethlehem, PA
Posts: 230
IMO it is weird going out sober at first but as you get used to it it is fun. I love going to events where everyone is drinking and I'm not. Drunk people are so funny.
For me going out sober is about self-confidence. At first I was struggling to say what was on my mind because without alcohol I was somewhat shy, introverted and had too many inhibitions or whatever. I relied on alcohol to lower my inhibitions when going out for the past couple of years. But eventually as I got more used to being sober I'd speak my mind and not care what people though (including the fact that I was usually the only one or at least one of the only ones not drinking) which made going out sober just as fun as going out drunk. For me it was about not giving a **** what people thought about me and being myself..
Most people stop caring what other people think when they are drunk trick is to realize when we are sober and out at social events we can have the same attitude. It's actually better because we have more self-control than when we are drunk and not say stupid things or tell people about personal problems/secrets that we normally would never tell them or embarrass ourselves.
So I say work on your self-confidence and continue to go out sober where everyone is drinking and you'll be fine. Only way to get comfortable doing something is to keep doing it.
For me going out sober is about self-confidence. At first I was struggling to say what was on my mind because without alcohol I was somewhat shy, introverted and had too many inhibitions or whatever. I relied on alcohol to lower my inhibitions when going out for the past couple of years. But eventually as I got more used to being sober I'd speak my mind and not care what people though (including the fact that I was usually the only one or at least one of the only ones not drinking) which made going out sober just as fun as going out drunk. For me it was about not giving a **** what people thought about me and being myself..
Most people stop caring what other people think when they are drunk trick is to realize when we are sober and out at social events we can have the same attitude. It's actually better because we have more self-control than when we are drunk and not say stupid things or tell people about personal problems/secrets that we normally would never tell them or embarrass ourselves.
So I say work on your self-confidence and continue to go out sober where everyone is drinking and you'll be fine. Only way to get comfortable doing something is to keep doing it.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I'm pretty offended by this post, lessgravity.
If you think your like sucks now, go back to drinking like you were for a few more years.
I think you do a great disservice to the mission of sobriety by posting something like this.
If you think your like sucks now, go back to drinking like you were for a few more years.
I think you do a great disservice to the mission of sobriety by posting something like this.
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 47
Originally Posted by wastedpotential
I think its a big misconception that all alcoholics drink until they're wasted. I see it thrown around here all the time, if you can control your drinking your not an alcoholic or someone will say I drink like a real alcoholic until I blackout/pass out.
I consider myself an alcoholic but I was never one to get out of control. I actually hated being drunk and being around drunks. I drank until I hit my buzz then slowed down. If I was with my drinking buddies I'd get two at a time in the beginning with them. After the 4th or 5th beer I'd slow way down while they'd still grab two beers at a time from the fridge and continue to chug them down. It wouldn't be long before they'd start slurring and stumbling. Talking incoherently and not shutting up thats when it was time for me to go they were way to annoying.
Just because I didn't drink past the buzz doesn't mean I am not an alcoholic. My life still revolved around alcohol, I'd plan my days around when and where I could drink, couldn't wait to get off until I could get my 6 pack for the night. I'm willing to bet that a lot of these people that you think drink responsibly are far from it and could use some sobriety themselves.
I consider myself an alcoholic but I was never one to get out of control. I actually hated being drunk and being around drunks. I drank until I hit my buzz then slowed down. If I was with my drinking buddies I'd get two at a time in the beginning with them. After the 4th or 5th beer I'd slow way down while they'd still grab two beers at a time from the fridge and continue to chug them down. It wouldn't be long before they'd start slurring and stumbling. Talking incoherently and not shutting up thats when it was time for me to go they were way to annoying.
Just because I didn't drink past the buzz doesn't mean I am not an alcoholic. My life still revolved around alcohol, I'd plan my days around when and where I could drink, couldn't wait to get off until I could get my 6 pack for the night. I'm willing to bet that a lot of these people that you think drink responsibly are far from it and could use some sobriety themselves.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 269
Originally Posted by wastedpotential
I think its a big misconception that all alcoholics drink until they're wasted. I see it thrown around here all the time, if you can control your drinking your not an alcoholic or someone will say I drink like a real alcoholic until I blackout/pass out.
I consider myself an alcoholic but I was never one to get out of control. I actually hated being drunk and being around drunks. I drank until I hit my buzz then slowed down. If I was with my drinking buddies I'd get two at a time in the beginning with them. After the 4th or 5th beer I'd slow way down while they'd still grab two beers at a time from the fridge and continue to chug them down. It wouldn't be long before they'd start slurring and stumbling. Talking incoherently and not shutting up thats when it was time for me to go they were way to annoying.
Just because I didn't drink past the buzz doesn't mean I am not an alcoholic. My life still revolved around alcohol, I'd plan my days around when and where I could drink, couldn't wait to get off until I could get my 6 pack for the night. I'm willing to bet that a lot of these people that you think drink responsibly are far from it and could use some sobriety themselves.
I consider myself an alcoholic but I was never one to get out of control. I actually hated being drunk and being around drunks. I drank until I hit my buzz then slowed down. If I was with my drinking buddies I'd get two at a time in the beginning with them. After the 4th or 5th beer I'd slow way down while they'd still grab two beers at a time from the fridge and continue to chug them down. It wouldn't be long before they'd start slurring and stumbling. Talking incoherently and not shutting up thats when it was time for me to go they were way to annoying.
Just because I didn't drink past the buzz doesn't mean I am not an alcoholic. My life still revolved around alcohol, I'd plan my days around when and where I could drink, couldn't wait to get off until I could get my 6 pack for the night. I'm willing to bet that a lot of these people that you think drink responsibly are far from it and could use some sobriety themselves.
Everyone has their own idea of what separates a normal drinker from a problem drinker. My thought is that when you regularly lose control and drink more than you planned and more often than you wanted to, you're on the problem drinking spectrum.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
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the truth is every social event that I can think of includes booze.
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Originally Posted by lessgravity
No question it's AV chatter. However I have to be honest and smirk at this line of thinking.
.
.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
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LG you do indeed know it's AV talk. I know you do.
Thing is you aren't like those other people. You have an addiction to alcohol which is life threatening in every way. Okay yes it's not always pleasant being different. Feeling out of the group. But good God you're saving your life through this. Never lose sight of that. Alcoholism is deadly.
I don't know about you but I was never able to control myself no matter who else was there. Drink a couple of glasses at the same pace as everyone else? No way!
Keep a healthy respect of this thing front and centre LG. Maybe it's too soon to be pushing through and socialising around alcohol just yet.
Safety first.
Take care xxx
Thing is you aren't like those other people. You have an addiction to alcohol which is life threatening in every way. Okay yes it's not always pleasant being different. Feeling out of the group. But good God you're saving your life through this. Never lose sight of that. Alcoholism is deadly.
I don't know about you but I was never able to control myself no matter who else was there. Drink a couple of glasses at the same pace as everyone else? No way!
Keep a healthy respect of this thing front and centre LG. Maybe it's too soon to be pushing through and socialising around alcohol just yet.
Safety first.
Take care xxx
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