biminiblue

I'm really sorry, horn.

I've had some pretty ish-y ish done by partners in relationships and my marriage cost me a ton of money too. (not millions... )

I survived it. Like Dee though, I drank pretty hard through it and that made it exponentially horribly worse.

I did quit drinking soon after the divorce and stayed sober for many many years afterward and my life got so much better it is really no comparison to my married years.

I could have skipped that whole, "Drink every day till you're sick," time during the divorce, though. Nothing smart about trying to kill myself over something someone else did. At one point I even thought about actual suicide, and that would have not happened without alcohol getting its hooks in me, I'm pretty certain.

I think it sounds like you'll be okay in the long run (?) it's just this short-term acute horror to get through. And you will get through.

Sometimes it's a minute at a time. Hang on.

CreativeThinker

Horn- Ugh...sorry to learn about your news. Best thing you can do is not drink or give her the satisfaction! It appears that you already know that to relapse would make things 1000 times worse. FYI-I had some serious **** happen in my life during the first year of sobriety too. Thoughts of the "**** its" passed through my mind too. Luckily, I proved to myself how strong I really am by staying the course and moving through the pain. In the end, I got through it and felt SO much more committed to my new life of sobriety.

As others have said, get a good attorney and continue to create a new life for yourself. Sometimes things that hurt us in life turn out to be the best thing that could ever happen to us.

Hang in there!
CT

CT

Rar

Apparently from what I've read. In community property states, it's the assets acquired during the marriage. If the asset isn't acquired until after the marriage, it would seem to be exempt. Also I read, "In certain jurisdictions, the guilt of a spouse in a divorce action can be a factor in reducing his or her share of the community property."

At any rate, Horn - please don't drink over this. You need your wits about you.

MyLittleHorsie

Horn you are a good lawyer. You can figure out how to keep this money. If not, then you rebuild and make it again. As they say, in life only the first million is hard to make.

Stay sober. A pounding head and cloudy judgement is the last thing you need.

AnvilheadII

horn, would you believe if i said someday you might see this as a strangely wrapped gift?

right NOW you are hurt. understandable.
you are mad. also understandable.
those are normal reactions when trust has been violated.
its' OK to FEEL that way, just don't drink over it, no matter what.

as for the rest? nobody knows. that remains to be seen. try to haul yourself back in today....into taking care of yourself NOW, and dealing with tomorrow when it gets here.

i think there is a difference between REACTING and RESPONDING.
right now you are reacting....touch a hot stove, ouch, damn, put burnt finger to mouth, kick the stove. that is reacting.

responding is to turn off the burner. grab some ice and apply it to the burn.

one is in the moment. one is a positive response to an event.

Gilmer

Wise words well said, Anvilhead.

KG77

I know about division of marital property in community property states. I don't know about states where spousal infidelity is considered in the terms of the divorce. My state (Colorado) is both a community property AND a no fault divorce state. So it pretty much doesn't matter who does what, if something was acquired during the marriage proper it's a 50/50 split. (Talk about getting screwed!) Child support depends on the income of the parties, parenting time etc. So if one party makes considerably more even if parenting time is split 50/50 the parent who makes more still pays child support.
I'm not sure if "alimony" (spousal support) is still a thing here...

In any case Horn, please keep reaching out and venting of you need to. Regardless of the state of the marriage, finding out your spouse has been unfaithful IS devastating. But we SR folks are all here and in your corner. Drinking may cause you to respond irrationally in a confrontation with your wife... And that's the last thing you need.

Hugs! Kat

Caralara144

Try and not think off any of that right now
Sometimes these things have a way of turning around ....
Keep your head clear as in regards to your wife's affair ...
You will and understandably will continue to be angry for a while ...
The balls in your court horn
You haven't f****d up big time
That's on your wife
A good marital law solicitor should steer you in the right direction
Your sobriety is everything my friend
And I'm sending you a big hug from Ireland
Head up
Caralara ❤️

milly4me

Oh Horn - this is just terrible. Terrible. You are a smart lawyer. I'm sure you know exactly what it likely going to happen, so I won't pretend I can give you any advice or insight about that. But . . . the anger you have . . . the UNDERSTANDABLE anger you have . . . you are planning on using that anger to drink AT your problem, AT your wife, AT you pending loses. It won't work. You know that. It's the illogical ways our stupid alcoholic minds work. I've spent years drinking AT my troubled marriage. My marriage is still in trouble, but I'm determined to stop punishing myself to get back AT my husband.

BreezyFe

I tried to find the right words to say...

I'm sorry. I know you're hurting. I know if I ever were in your shoes (ugh-I would want to drink-so my AV would convince me),
But screw it. YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS. I know drinking may make things numb for now (as does the anger). F her. You deserve better-know that.

Think about yourself & only you. There is no need to think ahead of time. We all want to offer our support &you know the tools to use for being sober at stressful times. Hang in there. We're here for you.

Bring yourself back & remind yourself of who you are: a person who no longer drinks. Alcohol at this time will cloud the mind. You are better than this.

A big hug -sorry I can't be of help (never been thru this) but know we all care.
best

Delilah1

Horn,

I'm sorry that happened, lots of great advice above. Whether or not you need to give her money this is your chance for a fresh start. As bad as things are right now, they will only be worse if you are drinking, you need your head on straight so you can do what needs to be done.

J50

Sorry Horn. Just don't do or say anything that you will regret later. If it costs you money, so be it.

DangerZone

Sorry to hear about your situation Horn. I'm not going to talk about not drinking because that has been covered by others here pretty extensively.

I'd look at this as another challenge life is throwing at me. I try and use challenges as another way to make myself stronger and to be able to look back and say 'I got through this!'

Stay strong and you'll get through it. It'll be hard but life is hard. That's what life is. If life was easy and everything was perfect it'd be called heaven but we both know that is not the case.

Look at your options and choose the best one. That's all you can do. Remember after this is over you can use this experience to help guys in similar situations. You can turn a negative into a positive.

Good luck with everything and keep us updated.

Horn95

Thanks everyone. As an update, things did not go well last night. I turned to a bottle of scotch for comfort. I was on an empty stomach and the ending was not pretty. I ended up in the ER and stitches put in my head. A lot to sort out this morning.

I need to talk with my sponsor. I am looking around and thinking “so, this is what rock bottom is like. Hmmm. This sucks.”

doggonecarl

Alcohol is a terrible mistress.

biminiblue

It sucks even harder with stitches and a hangover.

But you already know that.

You know, they say, "Living well is the best revenge."

I'm not one to think revenge is a good idea, but there is a lot to be said for moving on with grace and not letting the actions of others run us into the ground.

Rar

I'm sorry Horn.

milly4me

Ug. So sorry. ((Hugs))

daredevil

Horn95

you should have called your sponsor before you drank.

What's the point of having one if you can't reach out to him when you're in need?

Behappy1

Aww man Horn!! Hang in there ~ the bottle does not help. You’ve proved that last night. Pick yourself up, you can do this!!