A New Way of Counting Time (My Recovery Journal)
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A New Way of Counting Time (My Recovery Journal)
I figure that, if it's not against the rules, I could have a thread where I document little aspects of my recovery: whether it's thoughts, struggles, memories, progress, whatever.
Today marks the beginning of my third day sober. It's about my sixth or seventh time attempting to stay sober in the past year or so. I think my record has been 16 days. I look forward to besting that.
I've lost jobs, relationships, friends, health, fitness...I've lost my sense of who I am.
Someone pointed out in my first thread here that it might be better to think of sobriety as a choice rather than a "must." I think that makes sense. I'm tempted to say that I *have to* quit, because I want to get my life back in order. But really that is ignoring my choice in the matter. I choose to quit and I choose to become the best version of my self.
I've had so many successes in life that I've allowed to squander by drinking. I'd like to explore the roots of that. It seems like there may have been an anxiety at play. I was scared of change when I got into a good school, scared of failure when I had a good opportunity at a job, scared of disappointing when I got into a relationship with a great woman. I'm not 100% sure if these diagnoses are all true, but that's what this thread will be for: thoughts on both the reasons why I drank and the how I combat the inevitable cravings/illogical excuses down the road. Plus other random thoughts.
Today marks the beginning of my third day sober. It's about my sixth or seventh time attempting to stay sober in the past year or so. I think my record has been 16 days. I look forward to besting that.
I've lost jobs, relationships, friends, health, fitness...I've lost my sense of who I am.
Someone pointed out in my first thread here that it might be better to think of sobriety as a choice rather than a "must." I think that makes sense. I'm tempted to say that I *have to* quit, because I want to get my life back in order. But really that is ignoring my choice in the matter. I choose to quit and I choose to become the best version of my self.
I've had so many successes in life that I've allowed to squander by drinking. I'd like to explore the roots of that. It seems like there may have been an anxiety at play. I was scared of change when I got into a good school, scared of failure when I had a good opportunity at a job, scared of disappointing when I got into a relationship with a great woman. I'm not 100% sure if these diagnoses are all true, but that's what this thread will be for: thoughts on both the reasons why I drank and the how I combat the inevitable cravings/illogical excuses down the road. Plus other random thoughts.
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So, today, day 3:
I woke up early and practiced some German. German is something I'd like to become proficient in, enough so that I'd maybe be able to attend school there one day. It's something I dabbled in when I was last at school and it's also something that's difficult and keeps me busy.
I then went to the gym. This is another old hobby of mine that I had lost by drinking so much. In the past few months, I've managed to stay somewhat consistent, but the relapses have kept me from recovering my old body/health entirely. Today I had a great workout, however. Felt more endurance. Was able to push myself slightly more with weights and go slightly longer with cardio.
I got home, made some high protein breakfast and nettle leaf tea with inositol. Nettle leaf tea is supposed to be good for the kidneys and inositol is supposed to be good for both anxiety and liver at certain dosages. I figure that a part of recovery is not just psychological, but physical. I must have done some damage to my kidneys and liver, so I don't mind altering my diet to help improve those organs (in addition to completely eliminating the main offender entirely).
So, busy morning so far, but it's only just begun. Next up, I have training for a new job I'm starting. I'll add the caveat that my first day of training was on Friday, but I was unable to pass the exam because I showed up drunk and exhausted. I e-mailed my trainer asking if I would have another opportunity to test and he told me to come in today. So, for that, I am lucky. I do have another few opportunities aside from this job, but this job interests me very much. It is in an industry I've never worked in before. It involves learning a lot of new things, gaining new experiences, new possibilities. It excites me.
Depending on what time that all ends, I'll likely do some food shopping after and then back to hitting the books with some more serious German study.
I woke up early and practiced some German. German is something I'd like to become proficient in, enough so that I'd maybe be able to attend school there one day. It's something I dabbled in when I was last at school and it's also something that's difficult and keeps me busy.
I then went to the gym. This is another old hobby of mine that I had lost by drinking so much. In the past few months, I've managed to stay somewhat consistent, but the relapses have kept me from recovering my old body/health entirely. Today I had a great workout, however. Felt more endurance. Was able to push myself slightly more with weights and go slightly longer with cardio.
I got home, made some high protein breakfast and nettle leaf tea with inositol. Nettle leaf tea is supposed to be good for the kidneys and inositol is supposed to be good for both anxiety and liver at certain dosages. I figure that a part of recovery is not just psychological, but physical. I must have done some damage to my kidneys and liver, so I don't mind altering my diet to help improve those organs (in addition to completely eliminating the main offender entirely).
So, busy morning so far, but it's only just begun. Next up, I have training for a new job I'm starting. I'll add the caveat that my first day of training was on Friday, but I was unable to pass the exam because I showed up drunk and exhausted. I e-mailed my trainer asking if I would have another opportunity to test and he told me to come in today. So, for that, I am lucky. I do have another few opportunities aside from this job, but this job interests me very much. It is in an industry I've never worked in before. It involves learning a lot of new things, gaining new experiences, new possibilities. It excites me.
Depending on what time that all ends, I'll likely do some food shopping after and then back to hitting the books with some more serious German study.
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Alright. Good news and bad news. Good news is that my job training went very well. Not only did I pass the exam with flying colors, I passed every other exam today, and was the second to finish in the class. Ready to go onto the next step. Such a difference when sober.
Bad news is that one of the other jobs I had a phone interview went with another candidate. I was looking forward to that one, but at least I've still got this other one (and my training is being paid).
Bad news is that one of the other jobs I had a phone interview went with another candidate. I was looking forward to that one, but at least I've still got this other one (and my training is being paid).
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Great idea wayforward. You journal away it will help you and I'm sure others too.
It's true. Instead of "I can't" try "I dont" and keep making sobriety a positive choice rather than denying yourself anything.
Keep going!
It's true. Instead of "I can't" try "I dont" and keep making sobriety a positive choice rather than denying yourself anything.
Keep going!
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The day is nearing its end. As predicted, I'm sticking to everything I've planned, but in the interest of learning something about why I've failed in the past, I will try to be honest about all of my feelings.
Although I feel good now, I've had some negative thoughts earlier. Nothing that made me want to drink, but I wonder if these little negative thoughts don't eventually pile up into what becomes the "fukk it" moment leading to drinking. I notice that when the negative thoughts come, I treat them with more importance, as if negative thoughts are always more true. But if I do a simple analysis, it is the positive thinking that leads to my successes in life, the growth in my abilities. Negative thoughts only drain my enthusiasm. If I'm going to stay on this track successfully, I have to explore these thoughts more carefully. For now, I will vigilantly dismiss them. When I've got more sobriety and success under my belt, I will be in a better position to consider them without dismissing then. If they're even still there
Although I feel good now, I've had some negative thoughts earlier. Nothing that made me want to drink, but I wonder if these little negative thoughts don't eventually pile up into what becomes the "fukk it" moment leading to drinking. I notice that when the negative thoughts come, I treat them with more importance, as if negative thoughts are always more true. But if I do a simple analysis, it is the positive thinking that leads to my successes in life, the growth in my abilities. Negative thoughts only drain my enthusiasm. If I'm going to stay on this track successfully, I have to explore these thoughts more carefully. For now, I will vigilantly dismiss them. When I've got more sobriety and success under my belt, I will be in a better position to consider them without dismissing then. If they're even still there
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I've noticed that today (day 4) I've been restless and impatient.
I have a to-do list broken into sections (morning, evening) and while I've completed most of the morning activities (about to finish up the last few), I've done them disinterestedly.
This is where I hit the pause button. I've adhered to strict routines (for learning, working out, etc) in the past and had great success. But eventually I get bored and this is usually when the drinking flares up.
I think what I need to do is make sure that I have a life outside of routines, so that I don't get bored or impatient on the way to the results. I haven't been very social since sobering up (mostly because of withdrawal symptoms), but it's probably wise to start figuring out who I can grab a coffee with. Or maybe find a cafe to go to and work on some translations there, just to get a change of environment. Maybe find a social hobby that is less results-oriented.
I've been through this so many times that I can almost see what my brain is doing. It's seeking gratification. If my goals haven't been met yet, it feels no gratification and groups all of the work I'm doing toward the goal into the mass of everything else. This lessens the value of the work itself in favor of gratification, and suddenly I'm drawn to drinking again, since I know that I'll get an instant thrill out of that...until it becomes a pathetic habit which drains me of everything again, which it will.
So far, patience and positive thinking seem to be things I need to build up. Journaling is definitely helping me work through this. Hopefully I will look back on these thoughts when the desire gets more serious.
I have a to-do list broken into sections (morning, evening) and while I've completed most of the morning activities (about to finish up the last few), I've done them disinterestedly.
This is where I hit the pause button. I've adhered to strict routines (for learning, working out, etc) in the past and had great success. But eventually I get bored and this is usually when the drinking flares up.
I think what I need to do is make sure that I have a life outside of routines, so that I don't get bored or impatient on the way to the results. I haven't been very social since sobering up (mostly because of withdrawal symptoms), but it's probably wise to start figuring out who I can grab a coffee with. Or maybe find a cafe to go to and work on some translations there, just to get a change of environment. Maybe find a social hobby that is less results-oriented.
I've been through this so many times that I can almost see what my brain is doing. It's seeking gratification. If my goals haven't been met yet, it feels no gratification and groups all of the work I'm doing toward the goal into the mass of everything else. This lessens the value of the work itself in favor of gratification, and suddenly I'm drawn to drinking again, since I know that I'll get an instant thrill out of that...until it becomes a pathetic habit which drains me of everything again, which it will.
So far, patience and positive thinking seem to be things I need to build up. Journaling is definitely helping me work through this. Hopefully I will look back on these thoughts when the desire gets more serious.
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Its ok to be gentle on yourself at day 4.
I do understand and empathise with the rewards oriented thinking - over time I lost that mindset simply because I found some of the most important things in life carry no discernible gratification...
but until I reached that point I made sure my rewards were positive and healthy
D
I do understand and empathise with the rewards oriented thinking - over time I lost that mindset simply because I found some of the most important things in life carry no discernible gratification...
but until I reached that point I made sure my rewards were positive and healthy
D
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Yeah, for sure. Thanks, Dee.
There are a lot of thoughts going in and out of me these days, I'm trying to hold onto the ones that will help me understand what I've been doing to myself for years so that I don't do it again.
I did get through all of my routines today, I didn't necessarily enjoy all of them, but you don't always enjoy hard work. The point is to have a goal bigger than myself to keep me from being too idle. I did feel drained today, had moments of sadness, but I rode them out... And they went away.
As far as I'm concerned, I'm on a kind of spiritual sabbatical right now. In a psychological cocoon. Its going to take hard work and patience. If a day passes by and all I've done was mark of the items on a to do list, so be it. I'll learn to love the little things. I won't become a soulless robot, I'll figure this out.
There are a lot of thoughts going in and out of me these days, I'm trying to hold onto the ones that will help me understand what I've been doing to myself for years so that I don't do it again.
I did get through all of my routines today, I didn't necessarily enjoy all of them, but you don't always enjoy hard work. The point is to have a goal bigger than myself to keep me from being too idle. I did feel drained today, had moments of sadness, but I rode them out... And they went away.
As far as I'm concerned, I'm on a kind of spiritual sabbatical right now. In a psychological cocoon. Its going to take hard work and patience. If a day passes by and all I've done was mark of the items on a to do list, so be it. I'll learn to love the little things. I won't become a soulless robot, I'll figure this out.
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Hey there:
Just wanted to let you know that this really resonated with me from you original post:
I've had so many successes in life that I've allowed to squander by drinking. I'd like to explore the roots of that. It seems like there may have been an anxiety at play. I was scared of change when I got into a good school, scared of failure when I had a good opportunity at a job, scared of disappointing when I got into a relationship with a great woman.
Fear is a biggie for me, that and not trusting myself.
Good luck, you are going great.
Just wanted to let you know that this really resonated with me from you original post:
I've had so many successes in life that I've allowed to squander by drinking. I'd like to explore the roots of that. It seems like there may have been an anxiety at play. I was scared of change when I got into a good school, scared of failure when I had a good opportunity at a job, scared of disappointing when I got into a relationship with a great woman.
Fear is a biggie for me, that and not trusting myself.
Good luck, you are going great.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 38
Thank you for posting your journey with sobriety, it really helps to read what others are going thru. So much of what others have posted resonate with me. I am on day 11 and every afternoon when boredom sets in and my AV voice starts calling me I pull up SR and start reading until the desire to drink passes. So far I have been successful. I also found some mindless activity helps... I am doing online jigsaw puzzles and it can take hours to do one. Fun and helps pass my call to drink.
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Glad you guys have been finding some value in these words. I feel the same way about other threads I've read here.
Today, day 5, was nice and busy. Finished up some paperwork for my new job, setup interviews with a few other companies, sold some things, ate well.
It wasn't really a normal day for me, but it FELT normal, you know? I felt like a regular human being, I didn't feel dirty or plagued with guilt. Didn't feel angry or holier than thou. Didn't feel those feelings I have when drinking all day. I just felt... preoccupied with possibility. I felt busy and excited. Alcohol isn't the only thing I'm leaving behind. I just lost a job, ended a relationship. There is a lot of newness on the horizon and it's exciting to know that I can play it right and embark on a greater life. Life without alcohol will always be greater than without, for me.
But.
I'm not naive. The newness and excitement will die down eventually. At some point I will be tied down to a job again, things will get boring again. I have to be prepared for that. Work still needs to be done, psychologically, to make sure that the better, stronger side of me is there even when conditions are rough. A fundamental part of my true recovery is in fixing the problems that were there prior to the drinking. Maybe it lies in some combination of an outlook mixed with a habit. Maybe there is a way to keep life feeling relatively fresh. I don't know yet. I'll keep trying.
Goodnight guys. Looking forward to day 6 tomorrow.
Today, day 5, was nice and busy. Finished up some paperwork for my new job, setup interviews with a few other companies, sold some things, ate well.
It wasn't really a normal day for me, but it FELT normal, you know? I felt like a regular human being, I didn't feel dirty or plagued with guilt. Didn't feel angry or holier than thou. Didn't feel those feelings I have when drinking all day. I just felt... preoccupied with possibility. I felt busy and excited. Alcohol isn't the only thing I'm leaving behind. I just lost a job, ended a relationship. There is a lot of newness on the horizon and it's exciting to know that I can play it right and embark on a greater life. Life without alcohol will always be greater than without, for me.
But.
I'm not naive. The newness and excitement will die down eventually. At some point I will be tied down to a job again, things will get boring again. I have to be prepared for that. Work still needs to be done, psychologically, to make sure that the better, stronger side of me is there even when conditions are rough. A fundamental part of my true recovery is in fixing the problems that were there prior to the drinking. Maybe it lies in some combination of an outlook mixed with a habit. Maybe there is a way to keep life feeling relatively fresh. I don't know yet. I'll keep trying.
Goodnight guys. Looking forward to day 6 tomorrow.
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So far today has been fairly boring/lazy.
I did go to the gym, I did work on translations, but I feel like I could have done more. I also was a bit foggy today. I've been drinking a lot of caffeine since I've been sober, gotta watch out for that.
Today was also the first day I've had actual cravings. Nothing extreme, but just little ideas in my head. For example, I'm ordering food for tonight and was thinking, man, a nice movie with some food and drinks would be great.
This is my mind trying to normalize what it's craving. In reality, some good food and a movie are fine by itself. Those drinks are literally my life wreckers. They are not welcome inside of my body. I have to remind myself of this vigilantly.
It's funny how memory works in harmony with desire sometimes. On day 1 and 2, I can very vividly remember how horrible an effect drinking has had on my life. But now, on day 6, those memories have conveniently become less significant...but they aren't significant. They are absolutely insignificant. It is like being robbed multiple times by the same person yet continuously giving them the key to your home.
I'm staying sober, it's a prerequisite for my success in life.
I did go to the gym, I did work on translations, but I feel like I could have done more. I also was a bit foggy today. I've been drinking a lot of caffeine since I've been sober, gotta watch out for that.
Today was also the first day I've had actual cravings. Nothing extreme, but just little ideas in my head. For example, I'm ordering food for tonight and was thinking, man, a nice movie with some food and drinks would be great.
This is my mind trying to normalize what it's craving. In reality, some good food and a movie are fine by itself. Those drinks are literally my life wreckers. They are not welcome inside of my body. I have to remind myself of this vigilantly.
It's funny how memory works in harmony with desire sometimes. On day 1 and 2, I can very vividly remember how horrible an effect drinking has had on my life. But now, on day 6, those memories have conveniently become less significant...but they aren't significant. They are absolutely insignificant. It is like being robbed multiple times by the same person yet continuously giving them the key to your home.
I'm staying sober, it's a prerequisite for my success in life.
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So, day 7.
A good milestone, but so far it has been the hardest for me psychologically.
I don't want to drink, but I don't really know what I want at all. I feel a general sadness, and the confidence I've had over the past week regarding the future is at its lowest. What I've felt today feels like somebody who has walked confidently half way up a tightrope only to stop midway and realize he's walking on a tightrope. It's a very real anxiety of the future.
The goals I've made have to do with looking better, feeling better, thinking better. And surely reaching those goals will make me feel better overall and will improve the quality of my life, but I also feel lonely. The town was so still and picturesque today. Why did it feel wrong to enjoy it by myself, as if I am only a voyeur when I have no company?
Agh, I'm being whiney. And the feeling is already passing.
A good milestone, but so far it has been the hardest for me psychologically.
I don't want to drink, but I don't really know what I want at all. I feel a general sadness, and the confidence I've had over the past week regarding the future is at its lowest. What I've felt today feels like somebody who has walked confidently half way up a tightrope only to stop midway and realize he's walking on a tightrope. It's a very real anxiety of the future.
The goals I've made have to do with looking better, feeling better, thinking better. And surely reaching those goals will make me feel better overall and will improve the quality of my life, but I also feel lonely. The town was so still and picturesque today. Why did it feel wrong to enjoy it by myself, as if I am only a voyeur when I have no company?
Agh, I'm being whiney. And the feeling is already passing.
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Congrats on your week, wayforward
I tried to focus on just not drinking for the first month or so...then later I looked at my life and what I wanted it to be.
A lot of things kinda just fell into place.
Hope it's that way for you too
D
I tried to focus on just not drinking for the first month or so...then later I looked at my life and what I wanted it to be.
A lot of things kinda just fell into place.
Hope it's that way for you too
D
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Day 9 begins. Some thoughts:
-Skin is looking better. I've been making an effort to drink more water to combat whatever dehydrating effect caffeine may have.
-I have to admit that I feel strange. I've made it to day 9 in the past without this feeling, but I also had my relationship and my job to keep me feeling normal. This time I have neither of those. It's a lot of newness to deal with, a lot of change at once. At the same time, I can't say I haven't felt this feeling before. I'm not sure how to describe it. It's like a pang, but it's not necessarily sadness. It can feel like sadness, but it's almost like a nostalgia combined with a horizon. I feel almost childlike, like I've been thrown into an alien planet with none of my old safeguards in place. It feels like a lot depends on me handling things in the right way. Sticking to my goals, changing this ship around. And it's true...I just wish the path didn't feel so lonely. It's only been 9 days and it feels longer. I can foresee my resolve weakening if I don't develop some strategies to keep myself feeling fresh.
Two new jobs tomorrow. One is remote, the other is on the field (the one I've been training for). It will be my first time splitting up my income into two jobs. I purposely did this, since I wanted to see what life with a little more freedom was like. It's so strange how much has changed in a month.
But change is nothing to run from. I'll keep my head up and navigate this labyrinth of life with grace.
-Skin is looking better. I've been making an effort to drink more water to combat whatever dehydrating effect caffeine may have.
-I have to admit that I feel strange. I've made it to day 9 in the past without this feeling, but I also had my relationship and my job to keep me feeling normal. This time I have neither of those. It's a lot of newness to deal with, a lot of change at once. At the same time, I can't say I haven't felt this feeling before. I'm not sure how to describe it. It's like a pang, but it's not necessarily sadness. It can feel like sadness, but it's almost like a nostalgia combined with a horizon. I feel almost childlike, like I've been thrown into an alien planet with none of my old safeguards in place. It feels like a lot depends on me handling things in the right way. Sticking to my goals, changing this ship around. And it's true...I just wish the path didn't feel so lonely. It's only been 9 days and it feels longer. I can foresee my resolve weakening if I don't develop some strategies to keep myself feeling fresh.
Two new jobs tomorrow. One is remote, the other is on the field (the one I've been training for). It will be my first time splitting up my income into two jobs. I purposely did this, since I wanted to see what life with a little more freedom was like. It's so strange how much has changed in a month.
But change is nothing to run from. I'll keep my head up and navigate this labyrinth of life with grace.
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Today was just...I don't know. My ex and I broke up early last month. Haven't spoken since, and to be honest, I haven't thought a terrible amount about her since...well, I had other things to concern myself with. My sobriety being one of them. Also, we had been off and on, fighting, which only triggered my previous relapses...this time felt like the real breakup. I believe it is.
But I did think of her a lot today. It's only natural.
---
In addition to that, I've just been up and down. The new jobs are interesting, but still new and still feel odd. Lots of newness, lots to let go of. I keep plugging away, doing the things I've set out to do each day. I can't deny that I've been persevering, checking off those boxes. When I want to do something and know how to do it, it tends to get done. But things still feel strange sometimes. As they will, until my brain readjusts to the new lifestyle. Patience is key, but also strength. I foresee some difficulty this week. I don't know why, I just feel it. Feels like I'm going to have to face some internal struggles and actually come out on top without a bandaid fix.
I also realize that I don't think I've ever gone over a month without drinking since I started drinking...which was over ten years ago. Meaning, before I was a daily drinker, I still never went a month without going out drinking with friends on the weekend or something. This makes hitting something like 60 days more exciting to me.
But I did think of her a lot today. It's only natural.
---
In addition to that, I've just been up and down. The new jobs are interesting, but still new and still feel odd. Lots of newness, lots to let go of. I keep plugging away, doing the things I've set out to do each day. I can't deny that I've been persevering, checking off those boxes. When I want to do something and know how to do it, it tends to get done. But things still feel strange sometimes. As they will, until my brain readjusts to the new lifestyle. Patience is key, but also strength. I foresee some difficulty this week. I don't know why, I just feel it. Feels like I'm going to have to face some internal struggles and actually come out on top without a bandaid fix.
I also realize that I don't think I've ever gone over a month without drinking since I started drinking...which was over ten years ago. Meaning, before I was a daily drinker, I still never went a month without going out drinking with friends on the weekend or something. This makes hitting something like 60 days more exciting to me.
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