A New Way of Counting Time (My Recovery Journal)
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 150
It's been a while since I've updated this. Tonight marks day 30, a good day to update.
The struggle has very much entered into a new phase. I'm less conscious of how many days sober I've got. The urges are starting to creep in with new disguises. The AV says, "you've been working hard, wouldn't it be nice to just lose yourself for an evening?" or "if you get that client, your life could really change for the better. You can start to go out for drinks like a normal adult, no need for addiction." or even "what if things don't work out? you might as well drink if you're going to suffer anyway."
These aren't gnawing or persistent thoughts. But they sort of half form in the back of my mind. The only one that ever truly tempts me is the first. The idea of "losing myself" for a night. It may be a sign that I'm going too hard on my routines/goals. I need to start going out more or finding ways to "lose myself" (ie, relax) in something healthier.
I knew the excitement surrounding sobriety and all of my new goals and plans would start to fade. It's on me to keep things fresh. I'm worried, though, that I'm becoming a little to dependent upon certain goals being met. If they aren't met, I foresee a huge loss in motivation. My AV will likely be going at full speed. Luckily, I do foresee it. Which means I can plan against it.
What's also interesting is that no matter how much I've accomplished in this past 30 days, I don't feel one ounce more proud of myself. I still feel very much uprooted and groundless, in flux and somewhat alienated. I'm certain that time will help with this. As I've said, I'm going through more than just the change of sobriety. It hasn't been very long.
The last time I updated this, I was having thoughts about my ex. For whatever reason, I'm always ashamed to mention when I have thoughts about her on here. I think it's partly because I'm sometimes confused about which thoughts are the result of early recovery ups and downs and which are genuinely sad thoughts about the way my relationship ended. It is odd, given what our relationship was like, how little I've thought of her or it since I've been sober. But when I do think of her and how it ended, I can't help but feel sad and strange. Those types of thoughts crept in a lot from Friday to today. Mostly today. The idea of her having moved on or getting with somebody else is bothering me more than it should. I'm not on social media with her and have not been contacting her. I'm sure finding something like that out in this stage would be a trigger. I'm prepared for the possibility, but I have no idea how I would react, so I hope I just don't find anything out about her while I'm still sensitive to that kind of thing.
I've also been on a calorie deficit since I've been sober. I find that if I'm too restrictive with calories, I become more prone to depressive bouts like tonight. On the other hand, if I pig out on crap food like I did on my last cheat day, I also feel like crap. Diet is definitely a factor to mood.
That's it for now. Mostly just thoughts and venting rather than anything substantive. Nothing wrong with that as long as I'm still sober.
The struggle has very much entered into a new phase. I'm less conscious of how many days sober I've got. The urges are starting to creep in with new disguises. The AV says, "you've been working hard, wouldn't it be nice to just lose yourself for an evening?" or "if you get that client, your life could really change for the better. You can start to go out for drinks like a normal adult, no need for addiction." or even "what if things don't work out? you might as well drink if you're going to suffer anyway."
These aren't gnawing or persistent thoughts. But they sort of half form in the back of my mind. The only one that ever truly tempts me is the first. The idea of "losing myself" for a night. It may be a sign that I'm going too hard on my routines/goals. I need to start going out more or finding ways to "lose myself" (ie, relax) in something healthier.
I knew the excitement surrounding sobriety and all of my new goals and plans would start to fade. It's on me to keep things fresh. I'm worried, though, that I'm becoming a little to dependent upon certain goals being met. If they aren't met, I foresee a huge loss in motivation. My AV will likely be going at full speed. Luckily, I do foresee it. Which means I can plan against it.
What's also interesting is that no matter how much I've accomplished in this past 30 days, I don't feel one ounce more proud of myself. I still feel very much uprooted and groundless, in flux and somewhat alienated. I'm certain that time will help with this. As I've said, I'm going through more than just the change of sobriety. It hasn't been very long.
The last time I updated this, I was having thoughts about my ex. For whatever reason, I'm always ashamed to mention when I have thoughts about her on here. I think it's partly because I'm sometimes confused about which thoughts are the result of early recovery ups and downs and which are genuinely sad thoughts about the way my relationship ended. It is odd, given what our relationship was like, how little I've thought of her or it since I've been sober. But when I do think of her and how it ended, I can't help but feel sad and strange. Those types of thoughts crept in a lot from Friday to today. Mostly today. The idea of her having moved on or getting with somebody else is bothering me more than it should. I'm not on social media with her and have not been contacting her. I'm sure finding something like that out in this stage would be a trigger. I'm prepared for the possibility, but I have no idea how I would react, so I hope I just don't find anything out about her while I'm still sensitive to that kind of thing.
I've also been on a calorie deficit since I've been sober. I find that if I'm too restrictive with calories, I become more prone to depressive bouts like tonight. On the other hand, if I pig out on crap food like I did on my last cheat day, I also feel like crap. Diet is definitely a factor to mood.
That's it for now. Mostly just thoughts and venting rather than anything substantive. Nothing wrong with that as long as I'm still sober.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
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Originally Posted by Alex1994 
is it normal to dream with drinking after almost three years?
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ted-drink.html (Feeling tempted to drink)
D
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