Chronic Relapsers on SR
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 184
Originally Posted by ScottFromWI 
Not everything we read in recovery is going to be Unicorns and Roses unfortunately. And in truth, the vast majority of threads on our main page are of a positive nature. I would recommend avoiding the negative ones if they trigger you, they are few and far between and you don't need to read them if you disagree with their content.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 184
Originally Posted by KG77
I don't disagree. However if one is a chronic relapser, and that is the title of the post, one is most likely to go there looking for support. We obviously don't come on this site "looking for triggers" we come here looking for people who are like us. Looking for help and not knowing where else to turn. So don't give me your psychobabble B.S. about don't go looking for triggers.
No Dogma Please
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: SoCal
Posts: 2,562
Here's my take on relapse.
Many times it's part of the recovery process.
People with no experience with addiction think it's a failure of will. That if someone just stopped and a friend told them "Hey, you know what you're doing to your family?" or "Do you know what you're doing to your career?" or "Do you know what you're doing to your health?" that the addict will just think "They're right, I need to stop doing this."
But addiction isn't like that. It's not rational. You can weigh the pros and cons all you want and have a tremendous amount of willpower and still drink that airline bottle of vodka you find, or go to the liquor store, or call your dealer. Once those steps are taken, the risk of using goes up dramatically, it's almost like you've gotten on the train and you can't stop it.
In that moment, feeding the beast is more important to an addict than career, health, job, jail, back to rehab. And some need to do that repeatedly to finally get it.
We should offer the relapser support and encouragement. There is no shame in relapse. There is shame in shaming the relapser.
We as addicts should not shame. The user does that to themselves, and society as a whole plays the same game. Because they do not get it. Addicts get it, and should help the addict who is still suffering.
I will say to a relapser, no matter how many times, "Do you really want to get sober? Have you admitted that you can't do this alone? After becoming abstinent, what's your plan to stay that way? Here's what worked for me, but everyone's different. You'll need to find your own way, but a way you must find (sounding like Yoda there). Wanting to stop, even admitting the consequences, isn't going to stop you in that moment. You need tools to not get there and if you do, tools for reversing the demon. Usually that comes in the form of other addicts. A group, a website, friends who get it, a sponsor if you do 12 Step, a friend from rehab/program or some other place where a group of addicts are supported. Whatever you choose, but you're not going to resist that voice when it comes without tools, support from others who understand addiction, and a plan."
Don't feel shame. You slipped. Don't dwell on that. Figure out why, take steps so that situation/feeling/behavior that lead up to it doesn't happen again, and get back on the horse.
No matter how many times it takes.
For those who feel triggered by this thread, dwell on the responses, not the OP. They are overwhelmingly positive, as is nearly every post on this site.
For those that feel the need to shame the relapser, or lose patience, look at yourself as to why, but don't blame the relapser. It probably has more to do with you than them. If you really need to shame and can't help yourself, sorry to be blunt, but shut up.
You're not helping, and helping is what we're here for. Shaming causes further relapse.
Many times it's part of the recovery process.
People with no experience with addiction think it's a failure of will. That if someone just stopped and a friend told them "Hey, you know what you're doing to your family?" or "Do you know what you're doing to your career?" or "Do you know what you're doing to your health?" that the addict will just think "They're right, I need to stop doing this."
But addiction isn't like that. It's not rational. You can weigh the pros and cons all you want and have a tremendous amount of willpower and still drink that airline bottle of vodka you find, or go to the liquor store, or call your dealer. Once those steps are taken, the risk of using goes up dramatically, it's almost like you've gotten on the train and you can't stop it.
In that moment, feeding the beast is more important to an addict than career, health, job, jail, back to rehab. And some need to do that repeatedly to finally get it.
We should offer the relapser support and encouragement. There is no shame in relapse. There is shame in shaming the relapser.
We as addicts should not shame. The user does that to themselves, and society as a whole plays the same game. Because they do not get it. Addicts get it, and should help the addict who is still suffering.
I will say to a relapser, no matter how many times, "Do you really want to get sober? Have you admitted that you can't do this alone? After becoming abstinent, what's your plan to stay that way? Here's what worked for me, but everyone's different. You'll need to find your own way, but a way you must find (sounding like Yoda there). Wanting to stop, even admitting the consequences, isn't going to stop you in that moment. You need tools to not get there and if you do, tools for reversing the demon. Usually that comes in the form of other addicts. A group, a website, friends who get it, a sponsor if you do 12 Step, a friend from rehab/program or some other place where a group of addicts are supported. Whatever you choose, but you're not going to resist that voice when it comes without tools, support from others who understand addiction, and a plan."
Don't feel shame. You slipped. Don't dwell on that. Figure out why, take steps so that situation/feeling/behavior that lead up to it doesn't happen again, and get back on the horse.
No matter how many times it takes.
For those who feel triggered by this thread, dwell on the responses, not the OP. They are overwhelmingly positive, as is nearly every post on this site.
For those that feel the need to shame the relapser, or lose patience, look at yourself as to why, but don't blame the relapser. It probably has more to do with you than them. If you really need to shame and can't help yourself, sorry to be blunt, but shut up.
You're not helping, and helping is what we're here for. Shaming causes further relapse.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Location: SoCal
Posts: 175
Originally Posted by MindfulMan
Here's my take on relapse.
Many times it's part of the recovery process.
People with no experience with addiction think it's a failure of will. That if someone just stopped and a friend told them "Hey, you know what you're doing to your family?" or "Do you know what you're doing to your career?" or "Do you know what you're doing to your health?" that the addict will just think "They're right, I need to stop doing this."
But addiction isn't like that. It's not rational. You can weigh the pros and cons all you want and have a tremendous amount of willpower and still drink that airline bottle of vodka you find, or go to the liquor store, or call your dealer. Once those steps are taken, the risk of using goes up dramatically, it's almost like you've gotten on the train and you can't stop it.
In that moment, feeding the beast is more important to an addict than career, health, job, jail, back to rehab. And some need to do that repeatedly to finally get it.
We should offer the relapser support and encouragement. There is no shame in relapse. There is shame in shaming the relapser.
We as addicts should not shame. The user does that to themselves, and society as a whole plays the same game. Because they do not get it. Addicts get it, and should help the addict who is still suffering.
I will say to a relapser, no matter how many times, "Do you really want to get sober? Have you admitted that you can't do this alone? After becoming abstinent, what's your plan to stay that way? Here's what worked for me, but everyone's different. You'll need to find your own way, but a way you must find (sounding like Yoda there). Wanting to stop, even admitting the consequences, isn't going to stop you in that moment. You need tools to not get there and if you do, tools for reversing the demon. Usually that comes in the form of other addicts. A group, a website, friends who get it, a sponsor if you do 12 Step, a friend from rehab/program or some other place where a group of addicts are supported. Whatever you choose, but you're not going to resist that voice when it comes without tools, support from others who understand addiction, and a plan."
Don't feel shame. You slipped. Don't dwell on that. Figure out why, take steps so that situation/feeling/behavior that lead up to it doesn't happen again, and get back on the horse.
No matter how many times it takes.
For those who feel triggered by this thread, dwell on the responses, not the OP. They are overwhelmingly positive, as is nearly every post on this site.
For those that feel the need to shame the relapser, or lose patience, look at yourself as to why, but don't blame the relapser. It probably has more to do with you than them. If you really need to shame and can't help yourself, sorry to be blunt, but shut up.
You're not helping, and helping is what we're here for. Shaming causes further relapse.
Many times it's part of the recovery process.
People with no experience with addiction think it's a failure of will. That if someone just stopped and a friend told them "Hey, you know what you're doing to your family?" or "Do you know what you're doing to your career?" or "Do you know what you're doing to your health?" that the addict will just think "They're right, I need to stop doing this."
But addiction isn't like that. It's not rational. You can weigh the pros and cons all you want and have a tremendous amount of willpower and still drink that airline bottle of vodka you find, or go to the liquor store, or call your dealer. Once those steps are taken, the risk of using goes up dramatically, it's almost like you've gotten on the train and you can't stop it.
In that moment, feeding the beast is more important to an addict than career, health, job, jail, back to rehab. And some need to do that repeatedly to finally get it.
We should offer the relapser support and encouragement. There is no shame in relapse. There is shame in shaming the relapser.
We as addicts should not shame. The user does that to themselves, and society as a whole plays the same game. Because they do not get it. Addicts get it, and should help the addict who is still suffering.
I will say to a relapser, no matter how many times, "Do you really want to get sober? Have you admitted that you can't do this alone? After becoming abstinent, what's your plan to stay that way? Here's what worked for me, but everyone's different. You'll need to find your own way, but a way you must find (sounding like Yoda there). Wanting to stop, even admitting the consequences, isn't going to stop you in that moment. You need tools to not get there and if you do, tools for reversing the demon. Usually that comes in the form of other addicts. A group, a website, friends who get it, a sponsor if you do 12 Step, a friend from rehab/program or some other place where a group of addicts are supported. Whatever you choose, but you're not going to resist that voice when it comes without tools, support from others who understand addiction, and a plan."
Don't feel shame. You slipped. Don't dwell on that. Figure out why, take steps so that situation/feeling/behavior that lead up to it doesn't happen again, and get back on the horse.
No matter how many times it takes.
For those who feel triggered by this thread, dwell on the responses, not the OP. They are overwhelmingly positive, as is nearly every post on this site.
For those that feel the need to shame the relapser, or lose patience, look at yourself as to why, but don't blame the relapser. It probably has more to do with you than them. If you really need to shame and can't help yourself, sorry to be blunt, but shut up.
You're not helping, and helping is what we're here for. Shaming causes further relapse.
I asked a question in my opening post now I'm SR's official resident A**hole.
No Dogma Please
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: SoCal
Posts: 2,562
You asked the question. Multiple people have expressed shame and triggering as the result of the thread itself and multiple answers. I
Even if you don't feel that way.
I was speaking of relapse shaming in general, wherever the source.
Advice can be taken, or not. People may follow it if they are truly ready to hear it. Or find their own way.
I nowhere said that everybody needs to be all puppies and unicorns. But there is a way to do so compassionately. If anyone feels annoyed by the repeat nature of relapse nobody is forcing them to address it. If anyone feels anger or annoyance, they are free to move in.
When someone comes here and asks for help, its about them, not you.
Even if you don't feel that way.
I was speaking of relapse shaming in general, wherever the source.
Advice can be taken, or not. People may follow it if they are truly ready to hear it. Or find their own way.
I nowhere said that everybody needs to be all puppies and unicorns. But there is a way to do so compassionately. If anyone feels annoyed by the repeat nature of relapse nobody is forcing them to address it. If anyone feels anger or annoyance, they are free to move in.
When someone comes here and asks for help, its about them, not you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 184
... it's just that as some one trying to bounce back today from yes, YET ANOTHER relapse, the title of the thread looked like a God send... I thought oh thank you, here is a post from someone who went through what I am going through.. and then reading the OP was like a slap in the face. Thats not your fault, its my fault for not being strong enough to stay off the booze.. yet. I didn't originally read the comments. But I am glad I did. Also, maybe that wake up call is what some of us need. My fear is that if some one who has never been on SR before opens this post, (since its the first thing that pops up under newcomers to recovery) thinking what I did, it will discourage them from posting or even coming back to SR. .
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Location: Australia
Posts: 211,454
I don't think anyone who reads through the entire thread would come away thinking you're an a*hole Jscatt.
I think if any newcomer reads the thread though they'd see great wisdom in it.
That being said a lot of people are getting stuck on particular posts.
I'm especially sorry that you were upset KG77.
Even though for me this thread had great value, I relapsed many times over 20 years and I still remember beating myself up pretty good....and expecting the same from everyone else...so I get it.
But for anyone reading - this place - and this forum - changed my life... saved it in fact.
Give us a chance to help you too
As far as this thread goes though I think we're starting to repeat ourselves now so I think it's time we closed this up and moved on.
Dee
Moderator
SR
I think if any newcomer reads the thread though they'd see great wisdom in it.
That being said a lot of people are getting stuck on particular posts.
I'm especially sorry that you were upset KG77.
Even though for me this thread had great value, I relapsed many times over 20 years and I still remember beating myself up pretty good....and expecting the same from everyone else...so I get it.
But for anyone reading - this place - and this forum - changed my life... saved it in fact.
Give us a chance to help you too
As far as this thread goes though I think we're starting to repeat ourselves now so I think it's time we closed this up and moved on.
Dee
Moderator
SR
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