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Chronic Relapsers on SR

Old 11-12-2017, 03:06 AM
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I have learned that placing my expectations on someone else's behavior just leads to resentment--and snapping at people.

It is a lot more peaceful for me when I just concentrate on what I can control...me.
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Old 11-12-2017, 03:16 AM
  # 62 (permalink)  
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Chloe- "Sober Sobriety" - that made me laugh so hard! Love it.
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Old 11-12-2017, 03:28 AM
  # 63 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by potatojuice View Post
I suppose there are those who decide to quit and make it on their first try. These people probably have unicorns as pets.
for myself,no. just a regular dog. hes in my avatar thing.his names pete.
and life on lifes terms can be a bitch sometimes.

theres chronic relapsers,however, that think,or have thought, sobriety is/was going to be unicorns,rainbows,puppies,and sunshine.
THAT has been proven over the years ive been here.
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Old 11-12-2017, 03:55 AM
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Originally Posted by August252015 View Post
Chloe- "Sober Sobriety" - that made me laugh so hard! Love it.
It just came to me after reading some of the posts about the relapsers (myself included). We belong here!
Glad it made you laugh.
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Old 11-12-2017, 04:12 AM
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Originally Posted by tomsteve View Post
for myself,no. just a regular dog. hes in my avatar thing.his names pete.
and life on lifes terms can be a bitch sometimes.

theres chronic relapsers,however, that think,or have thought, sobriety is/was going to be unicorns,rainbows,puppies,and sunshine.
THAT has been proven over the years ive been here.
no puppies or sunshine? .....I feel betrayed lol
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Old 11-12-2017, 04:14 AM
  # 66 (permalink)  
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When people relapse week after week, and post about how terrible they feel about that, my first thought is to want to say "if you could stop for good right now, you would. There is a reason why this keeps happening." I don't know what the reason is, and it's clear from their pain-filled messages that they don't know either. And yes, it's likely to keep happening until they are able to figure that reason out. But eventually it will happen. The penny will drop. Perhaps they'll see a therapist for help, or someone at an AA meeting or on here will share some of their own experience that's so familiar a light bulb will switch on. Until that happens, all we can do is offer our support and reinforce the message that the goal of sobriety is worth the struggle.

In my case, I would constantly ask "why do I keep doing this despite knowing how terrible I end up feeling", and the answer turned out to be "I keep doing this because of how terrible I end up feeling." Doesn't make any logical sense, but it's how people's brains can work (out of our awareness). We often find ourselves in situations that are familiar, even if what's familiar is painful. Working with a therapist to figure out my own role in creating those situations, and finally dealing with what was in my past that was leading me to do it, has made all the difference to me. My last drink was in May 2015, and I will never drink again.
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Old 11-12-2017, 04:16 AM
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Great insight!
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Old 11-12-2017, 04:26 AM
  # 68 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Chilledice View Post
no puppies or sunshine? .....I feel betrayed lol
i was told sanity would be restored.
im still waiting.
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Old 11-12-2017, 04:28 AM
  # 69 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by ChloeRose63 View Post
This is called Sober Recovery...not Sober Sobriety.
very true. but i hope this isnt insinuating relapse is part of recovery.
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Old 11-12-2017, 04:37 AM
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What if it is? Is it wrong? Is falling down a part of learning to walk? And when we fell we got up as many times as it took.
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Old 11-12-2017, 04:41 AM
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We often find ourselves in situations that are familiar, even if what's familiar is painful.
I did what I knew to do, even when it wasn't working out because I didn't know what else to do......and it's embarassing how many years it took to get through my thick head that I could not moderate, that I can't drink just one, that I cannot drink period.
in another way-- quote from Maya Angelou which is probably mangled but you get the gist: “I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.”
Great insight!
I agree with Chloe's comment on OpenTuning's comment above.
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Old 11-12-2017, 04:50 AM
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If anyone's feeling a little compassion fatigue, or they feel they're taking someone else relapses too personally, it's ok to take a break or to focus on another forum for a while.

I'm not an AAer but I've heard it said the newcomer is the most important person in the room and I've always liked that and (I think its) tradition #5 about carrying the message.

To me, thats what we aim to do here - whether it's the 1st time or the 101st time..

Everyone's welcome in Newcomers forum

D
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Old 11-12-2017, 06:04 AM
  # 73 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by least View Post
I was a chronic relapser... until I wasn't. The good folks here kept encouraging me to keep trying until I finally got it. And I finally did.
Same here. And as some others have said, I did learn from my relapses ...i learned the actual shape and depth of my problem.
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Old 11-12-2017, 06:35 AM
  # 74 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by ChloeRose63 View Post
What if it is? Is it wrong? Is falling down a part of learning to walk? And when we fell we got up as many times as it took.
imo, relapse is part of active alcoholism.
recovery-a return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength;the action or process of regaining possession or control of something stolen or lost.
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Old 11-12-2017, 06:53 AM
  # 75 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by ChloeRose63 View Post
This is called Sober Recovery...not Sober Sobriety.
Fair point, but it's also not The Internet Saloon.
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Old 11-12-2017, 07:03 AM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
If anyone's feeling a little compassion fatigue, or they feel they're taking someone else relapses too personally, it's ok to take a break or to focus on another forum for a while.

I'm not an AAer but I've heard it said the newcomer is the most important person in the room and I've always liked that and (I think its) tradition #5 about carrying the message.

To me, thats what we aim to do here - whether it's the 1st time or the 101st time..

Everyone's welcome in Newcomers forum

D
^^^Dee’s posts never need the support of the likes of me...but this.^^^

I know for myself when I am and am not strong enough to deal constructively with both relapsing and “new” people.

Edit: i have also noticed that when someone does really post just “booze porn”, their post gets little reaction and no support. I think the community handles beautifully.
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Old 11-12-2017, 07:07 AM
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Originally Posted by BixBees505 View Post
^^^Dee’s posts never need the support of the likes of me...but this.^^^

I know for myself when I am and am not strong enough to deal constructively with both relapsing and “new” people. I think semantics discussions are more wearisome than are relapsers.
That's fine. You don't need to follow this discussion if you find it wearisome.
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Old 11-12-2017, 07:11 AM
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No, not at all, Solarion...I really have found this thread very powerful, very enlightening. Please don’t take my one comment as weightier than others. I truly didnt mean to offend. I happily retract it. I simply don't find relapsers wearisome. And when i do, i know i need a break!
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Old 11-12-2017, 07:19 AM
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I am one of those chronic relapser that you that you speak of. I have had as much a three years sober and I have had so many day ones that I have lost track.
I appreciate everyone who has reached out to me and not judged me for my failures but have encouraged me to keep trying. I have 12 days today and I am so grateful for those 12 days.
A little kindness goes a long ways and a little judgment can do lots of damage.
I guess I would ask you why do you let it bother you? Take the high road and try to be helpful.
Remember maybe someday you might be the one who needs the support.

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Old 11-12-2017, 07:26 AM
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Originally Posted by BixBees505 View Post
No, not at all, Solarion...I really have found this thread very powerful, very enlightening. Please don’t take my one comment as weightier than others. I truly didnt mean to offend. I happily retract it. I simply don't find relapsers wearisome. And when i do, i know i need a break!
Sorry for the misunderstanding, Bix!

As for me, I think the stories we tell ourselves about addiction and recovery do matter -- the models and language we use do matter.

As for passing judgment and moralizing about chronic relapsers -- I have to remind myself that I was a chronic drunk for more than two decades -- where was my judgment and moralizing then?
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