tomsteve

i was real young in recovery and having a bad day mentally. i got a case of the "f-its" and took off for the store. i was making the choice to get drunk rather than look for solutions for the problems i was having that day- the easier,softer way. which really wasnt easier and softer- it was a pain in the rear and made things worse every time.
i was walkin back to the beer cooler when it hit me:"this is what i used to do- have something come up in life i didnt know how to handle and run for alcohol thinking that would make it go away. and it never did."
i walked out of the store without alcohol,went home, and started thinking of solutions.
funny how i can remember that day so clear, but cant think of what i found for a solution, other than i didnt drink even when my ass was fallin off.

JScatt

It hit me half way out of my driveway on my first day of sobriety, I had a belly full of wine, beer, whisky and vodka from the night before, I was nauseated, drunk and dry heaving but my brain said more would cure my woes...thats when I said "I'm done" , no more of this madness

Meraviglioso

This is one of the most powerful and personally touching things I’ve read about addiction. I really encourage everyone to read it.


https://lareviewofbooks.org/article/...quittings-end/

SaturatedSeize

A great read, thank you for sharing.

Laqbrador66

Yea and then the post is removed. There is a time for compassion and a time for a foot in the ass. I don't understand how endless patience is any different than enabling?

Spartanman

This thread has discouraged me from posting on SR. I am doing well but struggled for a long time. Every time I log on I see this thread near the top of the list. To me there's no difference between doing it on my own and logging on here to see posts like the OP and some subsequent posts. Edit - going back and looking at more of the subsequent posts it is nice that most users are more sympathetic than judgmental. But then I see the OP and Laqbrador's post above and some others and it is discouraging.

dwtbd

IMO, the most compassionate ,empathetic form of support to offer an actively addicted person is iterate and reiterate the idea that quitting is 'done on your own' and that 'relapse' is only a sign of not having yet Quit.

The various reactions to this thread remind me of the single audience/theater two movies scenario.

JScatt

My post above was an account of me realizing I was a drunk who was shoveling toxic liquid into my body no mater the cost til I said enough is enough. How is that discouraging?

Dee74

I've never been in a place more supportive than SR.
That doesn't mean that I like every post I read.

My inner addict worked pretty hard at me in the early days to drive a wedge between me and this support.

How is patience and compassion enabling exactly?

Compassion is not saying it's ok you drank - it's saying I'm sorry you drank, but hey, I've been there, & I'm here to help and support you in ensuring you don't find yourself in this situation again.

All I can do is share my experience. Thats it.

I can't get anyone sober through the force of my will.

and thats the truth, whether I'm posting compassionately or being a Chuck Norris tough love guy.

Anyone who feels that way is going to get frustrated.

I'll support anyone as much as anyone can, but only you can get you sober.

It can take a while to get to that realisation.

It took me 15 years.

For some of us this is a long process - but based on ten years or so of posts, I really believe that the majority of folks who are regulars at SR make it.

For me the compassion and understanding I received here changed my life.

D

asixstringnut

I just read it. Very powerful and also very sad.
Thanks for sharing this.

asixstringnut

I must admit the first time I read this post if offended me. I guess because I have been one of the chronic ones over and over and over again.
I have since gone back and re-read all the replies to the original post and this has been a helpful reminder for me.
I am only one drink away from relapse or worse. The more I get this the better chance I have of staying sober.

Thanks JsCatt for the post.

asixstringnut

wehav2day

I was a chronic relapser until I wasn't.... I found sr by googling "90 days sober" because I was at the time. Joined a "class," loved it. Really bonded with folks in that class, and one is now a close irl friend. After three months on sr, six months sober, I relapsed.

I didn't have the guts to come on here and say "day 1..." so I drank for 3 months or so, my life and my outlook got terrible again, my job and my relationship and my freedom were in jeopardy again. Then I started reading again. And I stopped drinking.

That was February, 2013.

If I had the guts to post when I drank again, would my relapse have lasted 3 months? Who knows? But I isolated those three months, was too embarrassed to come on here and say anything. I can tell you with certainty that isolation wasn't helpful.

There are certain situations or attitudes that I might personally think are, well kinda copouts. Relapse isn't something that I take lightly. It doesn't have to be a part of recovery. My rational brain says why put yourself and your loved ones through that, time and again? Every time we relapse, we hurt our bodies and erode any trust we have earned from others.

But you know what? There's hardly a copout, aquack, a self-deceptive or downright dumb thing out there that I haven't done myself along the way. So while I really really really hope folks "get" or understand recovery on the first try or quickly, it's because I don't want others to have to go through years of self abuse like I did. My wish is that people get serious and help themselves, but I have nooo roomto judge if they don't.

SportsFan15

Tomsteve, I just had to say this is great! Love the story.

Stayingsassy

I get frustrated with people relapsing here, but I want them all to know that it has more to do with me than with them. It’s a bit like putting in the work because you know how significant the work is, when people in your group are simply deciding not to put in the work, and that does bother me when I’m hurdling, struggling, and working myself through sobriety. Their posts feel anachronistic to me. Alien. Far from what I am trying to do, and thinking everyone here is trying to do too.

That said it is hypocritical. I have relapsed so many times. I could relapse again. There is no guarantee of sobriety, I hope to god and heaven and earth and everything that is holy, that I never go back to the darkness, but people do, and I have in the past.

I suppose they remind me that it could happen to me too. They make me afraid. So it comes out in judgment. I want them to quit for good. I want it very badly. If they quit for good then I can too. The more people relapse, the more fear it gives me that my resolve won’t hold and that is horrifying to me.

So I apologize to relapsers here. My responses to you are more about me than they are about you.

SportsFan15

My relapses were part of my journey to finally arriving at surrender to help. I'm just speaking from my personal experience. As a female, never married, no kids, at-home drinker who never list a job, got a DUI, or went to jail (at least I hadn't YET), relapses were part of my secret struggle towards surrender. I didn't have outside consequences to make me get sober. Failing at it for several years by myself and posting on SR helped me come to the conclusion that I needed more help.

I appreciate this post and the dialogue. Never give up!

LadyBlue0527

A pretty amazing thing happened once I found a good, strong foothold and true acceptance in sobriety. I finally understood that I can't fix anyone else but me. I can offer support to those who have not yet found what I have but that's the sum total of what I can do.

If I am upset about someone relapsing that has everything to do with me and nothing with them.

All that I can do on a daily basis is offer guidance and support and pray that they will find the path. Because when they finally do, it's the most beautiful experience. Life as it's meant to be lived.

You can have this, you just have to want it regardless of the circumstance. The sad thing is the thing you are so afraid of giving up is what's keeping you from having it. It's a bit of an uncomfortable road to get there but worth every single bit of that discomfort.

All I can do on a daily basis is tell you that you too can have this and hope you find your way.

The choice is yours.

dwtbd

"I have relapsed so many times. I could relapse again. There is no guarantee of sobriety,"
"The more people relapse, the more fear it gives me that my resolve won’t hold"

These statements are 100%, pure AV, the reason people have more drinks is because these exact thoughts are not dismissed for the falsehoods they are.

Of course there is a 100% guarantee of sobriety, never self- intoxicate again.

We don't "get" sober, sobriety is the natural state , we stop intoxicating ourselves.

The only thing stopping ourselves from stopping is ourselves, if you believe the little voice in your head that says "that's not true, more drinks are gonna happen, you drank before... besides look lots of other people have more drinks.. all the time, never say never" you are conceding that more drinks are still an option. That voice is a known liar, anyone can definitely take drinking/self-intoxication off the table as an option,never again , no matter what. Millions have and millions will , be one of them , don't let a liar shake your resolve, break the illusion, Say Never

DangerZone

Another factor to consider is people talk about alcoholics hitting rock bottom which gets a lot of them to quit. Well some of us quit after a really bad experience.

I think a lot of chronic relapsers simply didn't have that type of relapse happen yet. It's something we all need to keep in mind when judging people who constantly relapse.

They may act like they did after the fact but it's probably more of a disappointment than a 'that was a horrible/life threatening experience. I never will do that again.' Looking back that's what a lot of my relapses were. Deep down I enjoyed it more than I wanted to let on. Once I had that bad relapse I stopped for good.

So some of us were 'lucky' enough to have that experience right away but that is the only difference. It doesn't necessarily mean we are any stronger than those who are still relapsing.

My one friend was trying to get clean from meth and constantly failing.
One relapse and he had a bad tweak. He literally pretty much went insane for 30-minutes. He almost killed himself and probably would have went into a psych ward if I had decided to call the police which I almost did when he was texting me because his texts were not like him at all and very depressing/strange.

Needless to say he has never used that drug again. I think he is going on 6-years clean.

So I try never to judge people. A lot of us say how much we want to quit after a relapse but truth is it's more just a disappointment. We probably enjoyed the relapse more than we want to admit.

Eventually I think those of us who truly want to quit and have the ability to do it will get to the point where enough is enough.

KG77

Posts like this are what makes me want to give up. I'm not sure I'm even sober now...after yes yet ANOTHER relapse and i haven't been on SR for a while. Coming back and this being the first thing I see? I joined this site because I DIDN'T want the judgement. I get enough of it in "real life" I don't need to come here and get it too....

ScottFromWI

Not everything we read in recovery is going to be Unicorns and Roses unfortunately. And in truth, the vast majority of threads on our main page are of a positive nature. I would recommend avoiding the negative ones if they trigger you, they are few and far between and you don't need to read them if you disagree with their content.