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Fallen off the wagon and have no money

Old 06-30-2017, 10:43 PM
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Fallen off the wagon and have no money

I've fallen off the wagon in the last week. Last night I had two bottles of wine and through my own stupidity I gambled 380. Why I did this I do not know as I can't afford it. I don't know what I'm going to do I am so upset. When doing it I don't realise how much I am spending. I haven't slept all night and feel awful. I have now closed my account on the website. I feel so sick and can't stop crying.
My life is a mess at the moment. MY daughter hasn't spoken to me in over 2 weeks. I am suffering with depression and I have no money. I'm not going to harm myself but I do question if I would be better off dead. I just seem to create misery for myself. I have only just got paid and I'm skint already.
I am so miserable
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Old 06-30-2017, 10:58 PM
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I'm really sorry Susie.

Are there food banks or something where you could get some food?

maybe your friend could take you to some more AA meetings?
D
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Old 06-30-2017, 11:02 PM
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You would not be better off dead. That is a very permanent solution to what can be a temporary problem.

It sounds like some meetings might be useful, and forming a support network for your addictions. Why not look up your local AA and GA meetings and go along today. And no, they won't be able to solve the immediate issue of cash-flow crisis, but neither will wallowing. What they might do however is give you some identification and hope. That was certainly my experience anyway (of AA that is).

You can do this. I know things seem hopeless and unmanageable at the moment. That is the state most of our lives were in (in the various ways that life can be hopeless and unmanageable ) when we got that gift which you sound like you are now holding and not sure what to do with. What gift? The gift of desperation. And it can be a gift. IF we use it as a catalyst for change.

Prayers to you today from another UK addict.

Stay close to the forum as well.

BB

PS. Is there a CAP centre in your area? I think most of the people who come to them for support and advice arrive on the back of one kind of addictive acting out or another. They might be able to direct you to some emergency support in your locality to get you through this month and give some emotional support as well. They are understanding and will not judge. https://capuk.org/
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Old 06-30-2017, 11:15 PM
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Thanks for your replies.
I did go shopping yesterday so have food in the house at the moment.

I am in such a dark place and I am hating life at the moment.

Dee I will go to more AA meetings. Its not that I drink daily its just when I do drink I have no off switch and end up screwing my life up even more. At the moment I can't see my future getting any brighter.

The only thing that is stopping me from harming myself is my daughter who might feel guilty if something happened to me because she is not talking to me. I could never make her feel that way.
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Old 06-30-2017, 11:19 PM
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I think AA's for anyone, daily drinker or not, Susie

It's harder to think that things will get better - but they will as long as you stay sober Suzie

D
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Old 06-30-2017, 11:22 PM
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Hi Susie,

I'm glad you are here and posting. I am also glad you have food in the house. I'm sorry you are struggling right now, do you have any supports in place besides SR? If you do start to feel like hurting yourself please go to the ER, they can help you get through the feelings, and offer some suggestions for supports.

Please keep checking in with us this weekend.

❤️Delilah
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Old 06-30-2017, 11:26 PM
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I didn't drink daily either, but ohhh, the chaos, unmanageable, shame and self-loathing that resulted when I did drink certainly made my life unmanageable and painful. AA is not about how to stop drinking (if you don't believe me, look at the 12 steps. Only the first even mentions alcohol). It is about recovery. Changing our perspective and the way we deal with life without slipping back into instant gratification or escape to slap ineffective band-aids on our feelings of fear, resentment and the like. It's that recovery work that helps us to live life comfortably on life's terms, clear away the wreckage of the past and be the best self we can be.

BB
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Old 06-30-2017, 11:27 PM
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Thanks Delilah - I won't hurt myself as I couldn't put my daughter through that. It would ruin her life. She is only 11. If it wasn't for her then I would go and seek help.
I do have a counselling session booked for next Friday. I just want to get better as I hate feeling like this - I just don't know what to do with myself
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Old 07-01-2017, 12:15 AM
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Hi Susie

This post is a repeat of one you made a few months ago: unless you take action and change you will keep repeating the same pattern over and over.

I second what the others suggested. Check out AA and also Gambler Anonymous. It will break you out of your isolation and you will meet others who have had the same problems.

I am not a gambler but isn't there a way you could ask to get banned from Internet casinos?

I am really glad that you have food right now but be pro active and look up the food banks in your area.
Also if you have pressing bills and are physically able, think about placing an ad to do house cleaning on Craigslist or whatever you have in England: it is good, honest labor which makes you appreciate the value of a buck.
You could do a couple of gigs under the table until you get back on your feet.

If you decide to do so, shoot me a pm and I will be more than happy to send you the template of the ad I used to place back then when I did it to supplement my income.

Stick around SR and lean on us for support but remember that you also have to take action. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

You can do it
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Old 07-01-2017, 12:23 AM
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Yes thank you Carlotta.
I only gamble when I'm lonely and drinking wine. When I'm not drinking I don't do it. I will be going to AA again and also going to see my counsellor on Friday. I have the funds to pay my bills (thank god) but not for anymore diesel or any more food shopping the rest of the month. I would love to offer my services of cleaning for someone - I live in Wales and not sure if we have anything like that in the area but I will check - thank you for your suggestion X
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Old 07-01-2017, 12:28 AM
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Berrybean - I just feel as if I want my life cleansed and want to be able to look forward to the future. Unfortunately due to my lack of self control last night I completely ruined that for the rest of the month. In 3 weeks I have only drunk twice but I am obviously regretting those occasions now. I'm just in self-destruct mode
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Old 07-01-2017, 12:29 AM
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I am ready to hit the sack (it's past midnight here and I am an old lady LOL) but I will shoot you a pm tomorrow
Try to get some rest, drink lots of water or sport drinks if you have some to rebalance your electrolytes and don't beat too much on yourself.
What is done is done, time to move forward
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Old 07-01-2017, 12:36 AM
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Thank you Carlotta. Its very hard not to beat myself up about it. I'm a 44 year old woman I should know better. I just don't know how to pick myself up after this.
Goodnight and Sweet dreams X
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Old 07-01-2017, 12:41 AM
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You pick yourself up and make a plan not to drink again Susie

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...very-plan.html

D
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Old 07-01-2017, 12:46 AM
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Originally Posted by Susiegirl View Post
Berrybean - I just feel as if I want my life cleansed and want to be able to look forward to the future. Unfortunately due to my lack of self control last night I completely ruined that for the rest of the month. In 3 weeks I have only drunk twice but I am obviously regretting those occasions now. I'm just in self-destruct mode
Money isn't the key to cleansing our lives. The key to that is acceptance and willingness. There will never be a comfortable time to take drinking off the agenda and starting recovery, and rock bottom makes a pretty firm place to start building up from. The thing with hope is that we need to look from it in the right places, and from an addictive perspective (ie one that sees alcohol as a solution or a treat or something that would be a sacrifice to stop doing, despite its obvious destructive nature for us) we often would not recognise hope if it bashed us on the nose. That's why being with other people who have walked the path ahead of us is so useful. Have you been in touch with your friend who has some sobriety? Could you invite her for coffee or go for a walk and chat with her? You probably feel like isolating and metaphorically licking your wounds today, but that's not likely to be a good idea. It would be more useful to stick with the winners and listen to their experience, and draw on their strength and hope to get you through this dark time. Is there a meeting you can get to today ? If not, perhaps listen to some of the recovery speakers. There are plenty of recording on this website that are useful for beginners...
https://www.recoveryaudio.org/

BB
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Old 07-01-2017, 12:54 AM
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Sounds like a gambling addiction as well id look into gambler support group as well go check it out
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Old 07-01-2017, 01:05 AM
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Sober561 - I know its my addictive personality. Like I said above I only go onto on-line gambling when I have had a drink. If I can put a stop to these bottles of wine I'm sure the addiction to gambling will stop too.
I am supposed to be going to a pool party this afternoon and bought a bottle of rum yesterday to drink Mojito's. I have made the decision to take that bottle back to the shop in-opened (will get 15 back too). I'm not sure about the party yet but if I do go I will drive and not drink. Its about 20 miles away and I had arranged for a friend to pick me up but this way I can leave when I want and not burden anyone. At the moment I don't feel like going. I can go out and not drink I have done this plenty of times before and as its an afternoon party I know I will be ok because its the evenings I normally have a drink.
I should go to get myself out of the house but I'm not really in the mood. Thats another good reason to not drink if I'm not enjoying I can just come home and I won't have spent any a money apart from the diesel to get there. I also wont embarrass myself.
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Old 07-01-2017, 07:46 AM
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IMHO, going to a party with drinking is NOT a wise choice. when your friend comes by, give them the booze, all of it, and send them off to the party. you have some planning and life reorganizing to do instead. now is the time to immerse yourself in recovery based reading, forums, meetings, thoughts and deeds.
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Old 07-01-2017, 01:11 PM
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you have some planning and life reorganizing to do instead. now is the time to immerse yourself in recovery based reading, forums, meetings, thoughts and deeds.
I second that. Parties are a lot of fun but right now you ought to be in a recovery mindset: maybe going to a meeting, making your recovery plan, reading SR, trying to dig yourself out of the financial hole you are finding yourself in etc. There will be other pool parties but you have a chance to straighten out your life starting today. Seize it or you will keep being stuck in the same old vicious circle.

Nothing changes if nothing changes
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Old 07-01-2017, 01:14 PM
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Originally Posted by Susiegirl View Post
Thanks Delilah - I won't hurt myself as I couldn't put my daughter through that. It would ruin her life. She is only 11. If it wasn't for her then I would go and seek help.
I do have a counselling session booked for next Friday. I just want to get better as I hate feeling like this - I just don't know what to do with myself
I'm glad you have an appointment next week. Being a mom is a tough job, and we need to take care of ourselves both physically and emotionally so that we can take care of our kids.

Hope you are feeling a little better today.

❤️Delilah
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