Berrybean

Cranberry lime sounds good.

You never know, tomorrow might be a good day. No hangover to worry about or recriminations from today, so that's not a bad start.

BB

SimplyE

Thank you so much Berrybean. Your post this morning was enough to make me think. Yes, get out! It encouraged me to make a plan and get out of the apartment. Thank you for the prayers too.

Dee74

There's no end of support here SimplyE.

All that stuff is stuff I and many others here have gone through.

It sounds like you have the beginnings of a good plan - you can do this

D

Berrybean

How's this morning looking so far? Treat yourself gently. An hour at a time. You got this x

SimplyE

So very confused this morning
No desire to drink at all
No raw feelings
Yet terrified
Will show my counselor and peer support what I wrote
The social anxiety will never be overcome if I drink or take benzos
No offense but they overmedicated me for years on those and I quit them. (not easy when you become dependent on them) Only an antidepressant now
Am I terrified because I saw the progression for 20+ years
Does it matter?
I overthink
I will not drink
Third day

So today to face the underlying issues
I will take action (not easy)
I will not isolate
I will go talk to counselor
I will meet with peer support at library
I will go sing with a group at Unlimited Solutions
I will ask someone to walk with me
I have already said yes to coffee with someone tomorrow and Friday
I am still terrified and don't know why

Thank you Dee74 and Berrybean

Berrybean

Singing is good, and all your other things as well. Wow, you're working it.
Fear is normal. Our AV (addictive voice ) likes to keep us scared because that in turn keeps us drinking. That fear and anxiety will diminish with some sober time and work on your recovery. You have all the right stuff planned, now is the more tricky bit, actually doing it. Your AV will kick up and try to talk you out of doing all of these things. Don't expect that fear to go, but know (because we've done it ahead of you, and we're not lying) that you CAN lean into the fear.

No hero didn't feel fear. Not feeling fear isn't the point. It's leaning into the fear and doing it anyway that makes the difference.

Here's a great audio for you to listen to you if you fancy a chuckle and a distraction, and a big dose of wisdom... https://www.recoveryaudio.org/aa-spe...mm-nevada-2006

SimplyE

Thank you for the link Berrybean
I have been listening


I had a dream that has resurfaced
But fear keeps it at bay
I have zero desire to drink
Yesterday the glimpses of clarity left me feeling empty
I want more in life
I don’t want the fear & loneliness I carry
Drinking could mask it but I don't want that
I know without feeling what I feel I wouldn't move forward
I will go to meet friend for coffee
I will work on paperwork I have been avoiding
I will start a gratitude list
I will take a small step and look at how I could make that dream happen
(Maybe with very small steps it can)
I will not give up

Day four
I think too much

Berrybean

Well done. X

MLD51

Fear is so normal at the beginning. I was terrified for a while: Who would I be? What would I do? Would other people accept me sober? How would I deal with unwanted emotions? But I was infinitely more afraid of what my life would become if I continued drinking. So I faced my fears about being sober. With lots of help from AA, outpatient treatment, and sober friends to talk to. I also became very active here on SR. Have you joined your class here yet? You would be in the May class. When I joined my class, I found a whole bunch of people who were at about the same point in sobriety - we got through the rough times together, and some of them are people I will consider lifelong friends now.

Your plans all sound good - face the fear and do those things! You can do it! Day 911 here for me, and I promise you - it keeps getting better.

MLD51

Here is the link to the May Class.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-two.html

SimplyE

Thank you Berrybean and MLD51 - I did check the link and may join

Day 5
No desire to drink
Anxiety
Worry
Must not isolate
Yet very afraid to go out
Doing it anyway

See counselor
Go for coffee with friend
Get taxes taken care of
Call vet
Keep working on papers I let pile up
Keep taking action
ODAT

Seems so boring yet not much to write
Too overwhelmed

MLD51

It doesn't sound boring. It sounds like you are making concrete plans to get out there and face fears. Keeping busy is good. The anxiety should start to get better the longer you stay sober. I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety disorder while I was still drinking. I took meds for it for years. I had crippling anxiety at times - panic attacks at work and at other times - clear out of the blue, it seemed. Once I quit drinking, it got a lot better. I stayed on the meds for about a year into sobriety - they were finally working because the booze wasn't interfering with them. Went off them gradually, and I do not have that abnormal anxiety any more. But that's just my experience - many people need the medications for life. I'm just telling you that it should get somewhat better the longer you stay sober.

Ariesagain

You are doing incredibly well. My day four was spent curled up on the couch and eating my weight in junk food.

And yes x1,000,000 on thinking too much. I suspect we all do. At one point in human evolution, it probably kept us thriving while others got sat on by mastodons or eating by saber toothed tigers. Now? Not so much.

Keep on keeping on with your sober self!

Sending you a hug.

SimplyE

Thank you MLD51 - so much I want to say to what you wrote but my mind is not cooperating. You sound like you are doing very well.
Aries again thank you Yes those were survival skills that don't work in this age! So True!


Pacing
Still no desire
Brain doesn't seem to want to cooperate (thoughts are almost foreign)
Been using a lot of CBT from IOP when there for a breakdown
Depression, Panic, Social Anxiety
All week did not isolate
Need some down time to fill out Voc Rehab, College and Peer Support Applications
Along with Banking & Bills and Planing week ahead
I have pushed myself to the limit going out of apartment
I want a life I am happy with
I am willing to work at it
Only with Action am I going to change my life
Day 6

SimplyE

Well I guess today I get out again.
Rain or not
I had a friend call to go for a walk
I would have said no but said yes like I have all week
He is struggling with blindness at a later age and also addiction
He is also making many healthy changes
Maybe I can ask him a few questions
I really have to fill out the paperwork later though
I am more confused than ever

SimplyE

day 7
lonelier than ever
trying to fight the social anxiety

FreeOwl

Social anxiety..... ahh yes. I didn't even realize I had it until I got sober and looked back honestly at all the years I used drugs and alcohol to quell it.

It gets better.

In your original post you said your counselor / therapist said you don't "have a problem" and just need to make better choices.

If I were in your shoes, I'd tell my counselor "I need to correct something you said to me.... I DO have a problem. I have a problem with using substances to address my anxiety. With self-medicating. With addiction. I need you to understand that part of what I want in life is a SOBER life in which I can cope with life on life's terms and get maximum abundance and gratitude and fullness. That's what I am after and what I want your help with. If that doesn't seem to fit with what you see in me and for me, then maybe we've come to the end of our useful relationship".

Therapists are not mind readers nor are they always right. Therapy is a 50-50 proposition. They give us what they bring - but we hold a responsibility for our outcomes as well. If the therapist is getting it wrong, it's up to us to take a stand for ourselves and our needs and be honest and strong with our therapist.....

This is my opinion, my experience, my perspective only. If it doesn't resonate for you, that's OK too.

HTown

You are not alone. We are here with you. Keep posting. You are doing great!

SimplyE

Thank you HTown and FreeOwl
I did talk with Peer support, counselor and one other last week
I am taking action
I know there is no quick fix
I am in for the long haul
I am slowly reaching out more
All I know is if I drink or take the Benzo's they want me to take, I will never learn to live. I want to change.
Day 8

Dee74

congrats on day 8

D