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Old 05-28-2017, 06:22 PM
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Am new. Have been reading posts for 2 days now. When I tried to broach the subject with counselor and peer support (I am struggling after a bout of severe depression and anxiety that put me in hospital twice. Also divorce after 20+ years. IOP for 3 months) both said I just need to make better choices that I don't have a problem. I am concerned. I told them I think I have a problem. Isn’t that enough of a reason to ask for help?

I also struggle with avoidant personality disorder and social anxiety and at the moment have few friends or connections. I had been doing and taking action. Action is the only way to make a difference. But I gave in. I had two places I could go this weekend. All be it not for long, but at least I could have volunteered one day and church the next. New to both and the anxiety took over.

I can’t do this any more. I believe I have a problem though my counselor and peer support do not. (if I don't and keep going this way, I will) From what I have read I should have posted before I drank but know that I cant undo today. I can start tomorrow but not sure I will if I don't write this now. (to me this means I have a problem) At least when I wake up tomorrow I know I made a conscious choice and put it out to others that “I Do Not Want To Drink To Cope!” I already know tomorrow is going to be hell but the answer to my problems is not in drinking.

I will be using some of the “101 helpful hints for recovery” posted by Dee74 and thanks to a link Berrybean posted in a thread. ...because it's my first post I can not enter the link.

I have used many to cope with the anxiety and depression.
They worked to a point if I used them.
Unfortunately I stopped.
Sometimes its easier to shut down than to take action.

A couple of reasons to stop (for me)
~My eyesight is much clearer and focused
~My thinking is much clearer
Thats the problem, I have to face the truth of what I have done leaving a marriage after 20+ years. I just couldn't live with the alcoholism (ironic) lies and finally the long affair. I am worth more than that. But I am also in a lot of pain.
~I appreciate what I do have.
~I reach out to others more.
~Despite the shaking, stuttering, sweating and high anxiety at least I do it.
~I am able to make better use of the resources I have been blessed with.
~No, I am able to make use of the resources!
~I save money and pay attention to my financial well being.
~Things get done ahead of time and done well.
~I am willing and able to help others.

Okay why do I drink again?
It may block the pain for a short time but in the long run it will cause more pain.
And over time it will take more and more.
Still, so not looking forward to tomorrow, the anxiety, the depression and the loneliness.
Hope this makes sense.
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Old 05-28-2017, 06:38 PM
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Hi, SimplyE. Welcome to SR.
Keep coming back. This is a supportive place.
Sounds as though you have a lot of good things going for you.
I never found drinking to be a solution long term, though it seemed so at the time.
How about you go for a walk tomorrow, get some air, clear your head?
Never too late to make a change.
Peace.

Last edited by Maudcat; 05-28-2017 at 06:39 PM. Reason: Spelling, spaces.
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Old 05-28-2017, 06:52 PM
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Welcome, and follow your heart. You know what you need to do, and that's what matters. I hope you continue to post.
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Old 05-28-2017, 06:55 PM
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Welcome to an encouraging place, SimplyE. We're so glad to have you with us. You never have to feel alone again - we all understand what you're going through.
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Old 05-28-2017, 06:57 PM
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It makes sense what you are saying. Even though we are aware that drinking will only make things worse, when we are in pain, the short term relief seems like the better choice. I think it is a matter of somehow figuring out how to get through the short term pain without drinking. And if you slip, just try again and don't give up.
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Old 05-28-2017, 07:12 PM
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Welcome! It seems irresponsible (to me) that your counselor and peer support both dismissed your problem. If it's important enough for you to bring it up, they should at least listen to you.

I hope our support and advice can help you get sober for good.
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Old 05-28-2017, 07:15 PM
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Its really good to have you join us SimplyE- welcome

D
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Old 05-28-2017, 07:20 PM
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Welcome. This is a wonderful place for help and friendship in getting sober.

It sounds like being sober would be very positive for your life.

Congratulations on your first post!
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Old 05-28-2017, 07:20 PM
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Welcome, you will find a lot of great support here!
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Old 05-28-2017, 08:35 PM
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I had similar statements from counselors and medical doctors.....but alcoholism is progressive and I could feel it pushing and my drinking was changing for the worse. Wherever the counseling or medical line is, alcohol was affecting me, my kids, my job. The big crash hadn't happened, but I could see it coming. I had to quit. So I'm glad to be here, sober, and life is better. I was a committed binge drinker. Glad you are here.
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Old 05-29-2017, 09:05 AM
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I am so grateful to everyone who posted. So far I am okay. It really helps that people understand and have even been told similar things. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. I know I can’t drink!
Day 1
I pushed myself to take the chance and face people and did 3 loads of laundry and took 2 trips to recycle and dumpster. I pushed myself out the door for a 2 mile walk. (Thank you Maudcat) 2 showers already. I stink and I know it because I am hurting myself. All I can do is take care today. It is going to be a challenge to get out and not isolate and avoid. There are times its easier and times its almost impossible. Drinking stops the forward motion. It’s easier but only for a very short time.

Spend rest of day facing papers I have put off dealing with and planing week. If I know things are in place and have a plan I will do better. I guess I need to face the things that weigh heaviest.

SimplyFree, thats it no big crash, but I too can see it coming.
I will never have a normal life and learn to face my fears if I drink.
So for now I will challenge the Paper Pile.
Though I don't desire to drink now it will sneak up on me. I guess this scares me and though I fight severe anxiety and panic. This one is real!
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Old 05-29-2017, 09:18 AM
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Take it in small chunks, SimplyE. It's easy to get overwhelmed in the early days.
So far, so good, yeah?
Hugs.
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Old 05-29-2017, 10:19 AM
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It may come back, but now you have us. There's almost always someone on the forum somewhere in the world and we know what you're going through, so if the craving hits, come here ASAP, yes?

I'm on day 515 because of this forum. It can work for you, too.

Good for you for tackling all those chores!

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Old 05-29-2017, 12:28 PM
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Hiya. Glad you're reading and posting. I ummmmed and ahhhhhed for ages about the nature of my problem with alcohol. I recognised it caused me problems but managed to hide most of these from the world. I drank with other people who drank like me, which normalised the drinking and I was very good at keeping up a facade of party girl / coping career woman, but inside I was a complete mess. It was listening to people speak at meetings that I finally realised that I was indeed an alcoholic. Listening to people who had felt like I felt. Who had thought like I was thinking. Who had struggled with the same feelings of not-enoughness, of feeling separate, and had the same restlessness, irritability and discontentment, and the same feelings of inadequacy one moment but contempt for others the next. I felt like I'd finally come home to a clan I'd never known. And it was such a relief and yet so scary at the same time that I wept at almost every meeting I went to for the first few weeks. No one else seemed to 'get it' though. Not my friends or partner or doctor - but then I was being slightly economical with the truth to some degree, as I didn't really feel that I could voice my thoughts and feelings to them for some reason. Weird huh.

Basically, if you think alcohol is causing you problems, try moderating. And if this is not possible then you may well need to stop drinking and start working a program of recovery. Perhaps one day you will identify as an alcoholic, perhaps not. But the first thing is to deal with the problematic drinking, regardless of what your counsellor or friends say. Maybe try talking to an addictions counsellor about it instead if possible, but I suspect that you can find out what you need to know by just trying to moderate. This is pretty much impossible for an alcoholic to do indefinitely and happily. The AA website also has a short questionnaire type thing on there that helps to think through whether we are alcoholic / have an issue with alcohol, and there are similar questionnaires elsewhere on the Internet. I tried loads of them before I was willing to accept that they might be right. Lol.

Wishing you all the best.
BB
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Old 05-29-2017, 04:23 PM
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Too much in my head, having trouble thinking straight.
Made it through day.
So grateful to keep reading.
Can' t isolate or avoid tomorrow. Meeting with Adviser at college and taking someone who is almost blind to do the same. A promise is a promise.
Fighting to create a new life.
Ashamed, No job at moment. Unlimited Solutions, disability and working hard to create a new life. Possibly Voc Rehab. meeting in 2 weeks (terrified) Finished a difficult A&P lab and lecture. 51 and feel like I am going on 16.
Had to leave a marriage and wanted to end my life twice.
Fell too far. Started to pick myself up again.
To easy to use wine for anxiety. So glad its out of apartment for now. It needs to stay out. Drinking alone a problem. Adds to loneliness.
Day by day I will create a new life. Thank all of you for the encouragement.
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Old 05-29-2017, 04:51 PM
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain View Post
... so if the craving hits, come here ASAP, yes?
I'm on day 515 because of this forum. It can work for you, too.
...
Yes ASAP and great work on 515 gives me hope
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Old 05-29-2017, 04:56 PM
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Originally Posted by Berrybean View Post
.. I was being slightly economical with the truth to some degree, as I didn't really feel that I could voice my thoughts and feelings to them for some reason. Weird huh. ...
BB
Not at all weird. Trying to be brutally honest with myself.
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Old 05-30-2017, 04:59 AM
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Okay it hit hard. I have a drinking problem.
This morning anxiety through roof. Doubled up stomach knotting anxiety. Whats the point of trying thoughts. Down on myself thoughts. Depressed thoughts.
I can make it go away by drinking. I planned it out in my head. I can start not drinking on the first of June. Thank God I have to take a friend to the college. Something in me will not cancel and that saved me….for now…

I spent 35 to 40 minutes planing to drink. Even to the point of planning to cancel my appointment wth counselor tomorrow. I can’t do this, it will kill me in the end.
The anxiety feels like it will too. Too raw and too real.

So for now stay close to apartment. Take friend to college.
Then what? I guess I see why one day at a time.
I need to get cat food and groceries but don't trust myself.
Maybe I can at least stop at pet store with friend. Cat needs food and there is no wine there.
I can’t believe I am writing this.

I will keep reading. I knew I had to make a change
This is going to be more of a battle than I thought
If I write and post I can’t pretend it didn’t happen.
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Old 05-30-2017, 06:07 AM
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Originally Posted by SimplyE View Post
Okay it hit hard. I have a drinking problem.
This morning anxiety through roof. Doubled up stomach knotting anxiety. Whats the point of trying thoughts. Down on myself thoughts. Depressed thoughts.
I can make it go away by drinking. I planned it out in my head. I can start not drinking on the first of June. Thank God I have to take a friend to the college. Something in me will not cancel and that saved me….for now…

I spent 35 to 40 minutes planing to drink. Even to the point of planning to cancel my appointment wth counselor tomorrow. I can’t do this, it will kill me in the end.
The anxiety feels like it will too. Too raw and too real.

So for now stay close to apartment. Take friend to college.
Then what? I guess I see why one day at a time.
I need to get cat food and groceries but don't trust myself.
Maybe I can at least stop at pet store with friend. Cat needs food and there is no wine there.
I can’t believe I am writing this.

I will keep reading. I knew I had to make a change
This is going to be more of a battle than I thought
If I write and post I can’t pretend it didn’t happen.
I'm so glad you posted.

Please believe me when I say that the anxiety will NOT kill you. I remember feeling just that way myself and thinking the same thing. And I used that same word RAW to describe how I felt. Like all my edges had been knocked off and my nerves were exposed. Isolating in your apartment might seem like the safest option right now but believe me, that isn't necessarily the case. What is causing you pain right now is your anxiety and thoughts of self-deprecation and hopelessness. If you stay alone in your apartment you're basically giving free reign to those thoughts. Can I make some suggestions that you are perfectly at liberty to do with what you wish...

*Check for the HALT triggers (Hunger-Anger-Lonely-Tired ) and address any that could be rattling you. A buddy of mine is absolutely raving if she gets hungry. Another one when she is lonely. My AV leads me a merry dance when I get lonely and tired as a combo. Those triggers can be ridiculously powerful!

*Get to a meeting. Even if you just sit an listen to what others say, it can go some way to taking you out of yourself.

*Listen to some uplifting music - you may feel more drawn to the music that reflects your current mode, but music can be used to either reinforce our mood (not a good idea right now) or alter it.

*Go for a walk or drive somewhere calm and beautiful (depending where you live this may or not be an option )

*You could do a combination of all of the above! (Drive the scenic route to a meeting while listening to some uplifting music! Lol)

*Go for a run or bike ride or a swim.

*Phone someone you love and ask them how THEY are (taking you out of yourself)

*Help someone - if you know of someone who needs helping (honestly, this is powerful!)

*Write a gratitude list

I'm sure others will chip in with some suggestions as well. This recovery malarkey is a real learning process. It wasn't by doing the things I wanted to do that I got well, but by taking suggestions and trying / doing things that I might not need to do, but it turned out that I needed to do those things.

Praying for ya.
BB

PS alcohol might give a temporary reprieve to these feelings, but it's also the cause of them. Someone used the analogy yesterday of being stubborn and keeping getting back on the bus that was taking them somewhere painful. In my head I saw one of those electric bulls that people get on to (inevitably) get tossed off again, maybe getting hurt worse the next time. You wanna get back on that bull to distract you from the bruises and bumps ut gave you last time? Any of us can take that choice any time we like. It's insanity, but we're all at liberty to continue the madness. I hope you decide not to. That bull is a real bastard!!
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Old 05-30-2017, 01:33 PM
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~ I went to the college and will be applying to go back full time. A good chance with a grant. I will not throw this away.
~ Went to Unlimited Solutions, and talked to someone there about my drinking and my plan. Now accountable so I will follow through. Told her I couldn't do this alone anymore.
~ Printed out what I wrote this morning. (Though feeling differently tonight…Like I can do it on my own…Rolling my eyes…it is obvious I need help) Will show my counselor tomorrow.
~Tomorrow will also show my peer support what I wrote and ask her to go with me to an AA meeting.
~ Will go back to Unlimited Solutions tomorrow
~Went and bought 2 cases of Cranberry Lime Seltzer

~ Did not and will not drink today
~ Tomorrow is going to be a rough day
~ No more ... Time to go around the wall
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