Shut the h*** up!
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Thanks ChiefBromden (so that's where you went after you threw the marble block through the bars and ran off haha).
Your voice is not small and you 50 squad lot have helped my head immensely.
I think by the time we get to over 50, we know life will never be a bed of roses, so all the more have to cherish the good moments you talk about. I don't want to miss any that might come my way either.
Thank you for taking the time and trouble to post to me.
Your voice is not small and you 50 squad lot have helped my head immensely.
I think by the time we get to over 50, we know life will never be a bed of roses, so all the more have to cherish the good moments you talk about. I don't want to miss any that might come my way either.
Thank you for taking the time and trouble to post to me.
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Originally Posted by Tatsy 
Goodnight Willadoit, I'm sure you'll enjoy a better sleep than last night. You're doing really well with the learning curve! You are not alone. So many here will relate to what you write.
Log back on tomorrow and continue your journey upwards. Your children and grandchildren will be thrilled when you revert to your normal, non-alcohol drinking self, able to dole out pearls of wisdom! You CAN do this!
Log back on tomorrow and continue your journey upwards. Your children and grandchildren will be thrilled when you revert to your normal, non-alcohol drinking self, able to dole out pearls of wisdom! You CAN do this!
I understand what you mean about reverting to the non alcohol drinking, normal self, the drunken, and aftermath of drunken me, I just don't know who she is. I don't like her at all either. I think she is the base animalistic she Beast, my Beast of AVRT fame, stripped of all humaness, a drinking machine, a basic faulty drive, playing out for all to see and be disgusted by...she's horrible she is.
I WILL do this Tatsy, I want to live as a human, with all my faults, not a slack-jawed salivating, slurring, nasty, unthinking, animal me.
Thank you for this encouragement
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Me too Dee, or I might end up like that fella out of Fight Club 
Glad to hear it's common though, usually when I have been on a bender, I'm back to normal by the 4th night, but then, never been that bad before
Glad to hear it's common though, usually when I have been on a bender, I'm back to normal by the 4th night, but then, never been that bad before
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I think I might leave saving the world until another day, as this was my plan yesterday.
This is day 5 and my head feels like mush! I have a couple of important things that I must sort out today. Can't be put off. But I don't fancy my chances.
I just tried to cook a toasted bacon sandwich, the kitchen is full of smoke, my bacon is burnt, my toast is burned, I had no butter, or milk for tea (haven't been shopping for 2 weeks, except for booze)
But I ate it anyway, cos haven't eaten for 4 days, and I feel too weak to go to the shops through lack of food!
My house is a pig sty, I don't even know where to start. There's furry things growing on plates around the house. I think I won't even go there, just put them in the bin.
My washing machine is broken, and I have 2 weeks worth of washing to haul up to my friends house (groan)
I have found sick bowls everywhere (straight in the bin)_I will have no kitchen utensils left by the time I throw away all of my plates bowls and pans (burnt, don't know how I didn't start a fire)
They say the state of your home reflects the state of your mind..true.
Don't know where to start, at the bottom I suppose and keep on plodding through till things get straight
This is day 5 and my head feels like mush! I have a couple of important things that I must sort out today. Can't be put off. But I don't fancy my chances.
I just tried to cook a toasted bacon sandwich, the kitchen is full of smoke, my bacon is burnt, my toast is burned, I had no butter, or milk for tea (haven't been shopping for 2 weeks, except for booze)
But I ate it anyway, cos haven't eaten for 4 days, and I feel too weak to go to the shops through lack of food!
My house is a pig sty, I don't even know where to start. There's furry things growing on plates around the house. I think I won't even go there, just put them in the bin.
My washing machine is broken, and I have 2 weeks worth of washing to haul up to my friends house (groan)
I have found sick bowls everywhere (straight in the bin)_I will have no kitchen utensils left by the time I throw away all of my plates bowls and pans (burnt, don't know how I didn't start a fire)
They say the state of your home reflects the state of your mind..true.
Don't know where to start, at the bottom I suppose and keep on plodding through till things get straight
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Ok did my "hard stuff" ie stuff you have to have a clear brain for (but don't, that's why it's hard)
The energy company who supplies my gas and me have been having running confusion for 10 months..won't go into it, it's boring.
They said I owed £1,490
I said NO WAY!!!
Anyway, after a nice conversation on the phone with someone who knows what he is talking about..I owe £300..and it's even their incomptance I owe that..but weight off my mind
I am unemployed, this rogue agency who's clients can't get anyone to work for them, employs this agency to make people on unemployment work for them or have their unemployment money stopped (the firms they work for, are aggressive cold callers, who can't get anyone but forced people to work for them) If you refuse a "training oppotunity" ie coralled..you will get no benefits for 3 months
I told them to eff off..dunno what is going to happen, but I have worked in loads of calls centres, and will not bully people (pensioners) into crap to get their money
The energy company who supplies my gas and me have been having running confusion for 10 months..won't go into it, it's boring.
They said I owed £1,490
I said NO WAY!!!
Anyway, after a nice conversation on the phone with someone who knows what he is talking about..I owe £300..and it's even their incomptance I owe that..but weight off my mind
I am unemployed, this rogue agency who's clients can't get anyone to work for them, employs this agency to make people on unemployment work for them or have their unemployment money stopped (the firms they work for, are aggressive cold callers, who can't get anyone but forced people to work for them) If you refuse a "training oppotunity" ie coralled..you will get no benefits for 3 months
I told them to eff off..dunno what is going to happen, but I have worked in loads of calls centres, and will not bully people (pensioners) into crap to get their money
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Oh my pic doesnt show up...it was very funny
I and evryone is different,,find the joy in being alive is being able to see the funny side of things
When I write me book (an aft saying of mine) it will have all the not funny, but funny to other people in it.
I think some people just work that way,,good or bad..psychotherapist trying to rationlise it or not...some of us just have warped senses of humour..and not because of addiction,,we were born with it!
I and evryone is different,,find the joy in being alive is being able to see the funny side of things
When I write me book (an aft saying of mine) it will have all the not funny, but funny to other people in it.
I think some people just work that way,,good or bad..psychotherapist trying to rationlise it or not...some of us just have warped senses of humour..and not because of addiction,,we were born with it!
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Originally Posted by Willadoit
...these morbid thoughts of doom and gloom do sound a lot like the AV. I never put it down to that before...
I do think I have a chance, or like you say I wouldn't be here, but it seems just as sure I don't have a chance, I'm going to try my best to push them aside and just keep my eye on the goal.
I do think I have a chance, or like you say I wouldn't be here, but it seems just as sure I don't have a chance, I'm going to try my best to push them aside and just keep my eye on the goal.
Regarding the smoking, I recommend not delaying, and quitting smoking as well, but don't let the AV tell you that since you are smoking, you may as well be drinking too.
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Thanks Algorithm (Im sure we did those in school!). I am quitting smoking, apart from anything else, it reminds me of the old me I want to leave behind.
I am taking a break from posting for a couple of days, as I don't feel robust enough for public forums atm haha
I am taking a break from posting for a couple of days, as I don't feel robust enough for public forums atm haha
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Originally Posted by Willadoit
I am on day 4, just coming out of the worst of withdrawals. Had all the usual that I have coming off a week long bender. The first few days, anxiety so bad I want to pop out of my body and run away, dark thoughts of impending death (funny how the oblivion of death scares me, but drinking myself into it doesn't!). Flashing fast moving grotesque images in the dark or when I shut my eyes, hearing non existent music, all the usual horrors I have in withdrawals. They are over now, them and the sweating, shaking, pounding heart, vomiting, including bottom vomit.
I am determined to stop for good this time.
Then this little voice comes to me "why are you bothering? The damage is probably done after 20 years of this repeated lunacy"
I really need to give up smoking too, but that same little voice says "you are not going to undo 30 years of smoking by giving up now, even in 10 years the chances of lung cancer is still above twice as non smokers, it's probably there, lurking already.
It also says "you are in your 50s now, you have wasted most of your life on bad habits and addiction, you are done for anyway"
And it won't go away.
I am determined to stop for good this time.
Then this little voice comes to me "why are you bothering? The damage is probably done after 20 years of this repeated lunacy"
I really need to give up smoking too, but that same little voice says "you are not going to undo 30 years of smoking by giving up now, even in 10 years the chances of lung cancer is still above twice as non smokers, it's probably there, lurking already.
It also says "you are in your 50s now, you have wasted most of your life on bad habits and addiction, you are done for anyway"
And it won't go away.
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Willadoit, I try to do the a little at a time. Just pick up a little bit here and there. Not sure how your doing but you should eat something. I havent worked since August. I'm broke. Twice now... Might have 3 weeks left in me. Share when you can.
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In the quickest turn about in human history, I will not stop posting haha
This helps me, and how will I get any perspective on anything if I sit with it in my head...I am ALL over the place, as some may notice!
Albyalbright, yes, I drank alone too, and it just was horrible, not only the drinking, but your state of mind days after stopping. It is incredibly bad for your mind as well as your body, nothing but nothing is worth giving up your mind for, no buzz in the world.
Aquafina, I'm sorry to hear you are in a low place too. I hope things pick up for you.
I'm trying to eat, but it's difficult when I have burnt all but one of my pans! I am managing to get food into me though. I am trying to get this place straight, but I'm just a muddle in a muddle.
Hoping if I write down here what it is like now, it will be of some help in the future of not wanting to come back here.
This helps me, and how will I get any perspective on anything if I sit with it in my head...I am ALL over the place, as some may notice!
Albyalbright, yes, I drank alone too, and it just was horrible, not only the drinking, but your state of mind days after stopping. It is incredibly bad for your mind as well as your body, nothing but nothing is worth giving up your mind for, no buzz in the world.
Aquafina, I'm sorry to hear you are in a low place too. I hope things pick up for you.
I'm trying to eat, but it's difficult when I have burnt all but one of my pans! I am managing to get food into me though. I am trying to get this place straight, but I'm just a muddle in a muddle.
Hoping if I write down here what it is like now, it will be of some help in the future of not wanting to come back here.
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I was just wondering to myself, how I could have gotton myself, and the house in this state after 6 days of bingeing?
And I realise, I have been kidding myself. My "benders" are not really just benders. The last 6 months or so I have drank 5 days, gone 3-4 without, drank 6 days, gone 2 without, I don't think I'm an actual bender drinker anymore. I think looking back, I have spent more days drunk than sober the last 6 months. One mess is never properly cleared up before I launch into making the next mess. Why would I only just realise this?
And I realise, I have been kidding myself. My "benders" are not really just benders. The last 6 months or so I have drank 5 days, gone 3-4 without, drank 6 days, gone 2 without, I don't think I'm an actual bender drinker anymore. I think looking back, I have spent more days drunk than sober the last 6 months. One mess is never properly cleared up before I launch into making the next mess. Why would I only just realise this?
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Right, time to plan ahead for the next few day.
I will clean one room a day THROUGHLY until everything is back in order.
I have just smoked my last cig, and cannot buy anymore, so I'll use the nicotine spray I have somehwere for a few days until I feel better in myself.
I will not sit in panic and anxiety, I'll USE the relaxation techniques when I need them.
I will study AVRT for at least an hour a day.
I will come on here for two hours a day, and walk everyday, so I am getting out of the house for a while.
If I feel the urge to drink, I will practice AVRT..although I can't drink as I have no money left haha
I will have a herbal bath before bed every night and use the binaural beats if I need to, to sleep.
I will make some mung bean and spinach soup for the goodness
This is my plan for the next 3 days.
I will clean one room a day THROUGHLY until everything is back in order.
I have just smoked my last cig, and cannot buy anymore, so I'll use the nicotine spray I have somehwere for a few days until I feel better in myself.
I will not sit in panic and anxiety, I'll USE the relaxation techniques when I need them.
I will study AVRT for at least an hour a day.
I will come on here for two hours a day, and walk everyday, so I am getting out of the house for a while.
If I feel the urge to drink, I will practice AVRT..although I can't drink as I have no money left haha
I will have a herbal bath before bed every night and use the binaural beats if I need to, to sleep.
I will make some mung bean and spinach soup for the goodness
This is my plan for the next 3 days.
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Good plan!
Just be careful if you have any perfectionist tendencies...it's easy for us to set our goals too rigidly, "fail" at one, get depressed and throw them all out the window.
The single most important thing is not to let alcohol cross your lips. Everything else can get modified as it helps or doesn't help that one crucial goal.
Another person of an age here...I'll be 59 in two weeks. (Yikes.) I've been sober for 14 months and honestly, my biggest regret is that I didn't realize much earlier that I had this person inside me hidden underneath the booze/hangover cycle crap.
You have that person, too. Help her get out of that prison, yes?
Oh and I thought I had terrible menopause symptoms, too. Turns out they were 99% booze induced.
You can do this.
Just be careful if you have any perfectionist tendencies...it's easy for us to set our goals too rigidly, "fail" at one, get depressed and throw them all out the window.
The single most important thing is not to let alcohol cross your lips. Everything else can get modified as it helps or doesn't help that one crucial goal.
Another person of an age here...I'll be 59 in two weeks. (Yikes.) I've been sober for 14 months and honestly, my biggest regret is that I didn't realize much earlier that I had this person inside me hidden underneath the booze/hangover cycle crap.
You have that person, too. Help her get out of that prison, yes?
Oh and I thought I had terrible menopause symptoms, too. Turns out they were 99% booze induced.
You can do this.
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Wow Aries 14 months sober is fantastic. Yes, I need to find out who I am. I can't remember the last time I was a person and not just a bundle of drink side effects!
I want to escape this cycle so badly.
And yes, I don't know what are menopausal symptoms and alcohol intake/withdrawal symptoms, same with the depression and anxiety, I don't know if I really have them, or if it's drink induced. I guess I will soon find out in the coming weeks!
I will try not to be too rigid ..I have had that problem in the past.
I also think Algorithm is right and it's the AV spouting crap about being too old to change. Thank you for your encouragement today...I'm sure if it hadn't been for the people on here holding me up the last couple of days..I would have found money for drink from somewhere!
I want to escape this cycle so badly.
And yes, I don't know what are menopausal symptoms and alcohol intake/withdrawal symptoms, same with the depression and anxiety, I don't know if I really have them, or if it's drink induced. I guess I will soon find out in the coming weeks!
I will try not to be too rigid ..I have had that problem in the past.
I also think Algorithm is right and it's the AV spouting crap about being too old to change. Thank you for your encouragement today...I'm sure if it hadn't been for the people on here holding me up the last couple of days..I would have found money for drink from somewhere!
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Today 5/3/2017 Is the first day I have felt alive in a long time.
Had some nutritious food last night, a good soak in the bath, some relaxation exercises from you tube before bed, slept for most of the night.
This morning, I woke up feeling fairly good. My DIL rang and said, since my son was away on business, did I want to go with her and my grand daughters to a water park.
I thought of the hassle, all the kids making noise in the water park, the running from the pool to the changing room, freezing, to get ready again. Then I thought do I really want to sit in this house by myself all day contemplating my navel?
So I went. It was great. The water was warm and the place was full of waterfalls and fountains and sprays and shallow pools for the kids (and adults to play in)
I thought I would just sit in the jacuzzi for a bit, but when I saw my granddaughters on the hydro slide that covered the place from the cieling down, I went for it. First time I have been on a hydro slide in my life..it was great, went on at least ten times. We screamed and laughed like maniacs (that was just me and the DIL)
Then as it was a beautiful sunny spring day (noticed all the crocus and apple blossom out) we drove to the coast and had fish and chips on the beach, best meal I have ever tasted in my life.
We laughed all day. The only blot on the day was we got a parking ticket because we didn't know you had to pay for a carpark we were in on a Sunday!
It was like night and day compared to this last week. I'm really glad I threw that last drink away and took the plunge. Like I said in another thread, I know there will be challenges ahead, but if I have just one day, every now and again, like today has been, I will be happy.
I'm back home now, haven't done anymore housework, but I'm happy in this minute...and exhausted.
Had some nutritious food last night, a good soak in the bath, some relaxation exercises from you tube before bed, slept for most of the night.
This morning, I woke up feeling fairly good. My DIL rang and said, since my son was away on business, did I want to go with her and my grand daughters to a water park.
I thought of the hassle, all the kids making noise in the water park, the running from the pool to the changing room, freezing, to get ready again. Then I thought do I really want to sit in this house by myself all day contemplating my navel?
So I went. It was great. The water was warm and the place was full of waterfalls and fountains and sprays and shallow pools for the kids (and adults to play in)
I thought I would just sit in the jacuzzi for a bit, but when I saw my granddaughters on the hydro slide that covered the place from the cieling down, I went for it. First time I have been on a hydro slide in my life..it was great, went on at least ten times. We screamed and laughed like maniacs (that was just me and the DIL)
Then as it was a beautiful sunny spring day (noticed all the crocus and apple blossom out) we drove to the coast and had fish and chips on the beach, best meal I have ever tasted in my life.
We laughed all day. The only blot on the day was we got a parking ticket because we didn't know you had to pay for a carpark we were in on a Sunday!
It was like night and day compared to this last week. I'm really glad I threw that last drink away and took the plunge. Like I said in another thread, I know there will be challenges ahead, but if I have just one day, every now and again, like today has been, I will be happy.
I'm back home now, haven't done anymore housework, but I'm happy in this minute...and exhausted.
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