thomas11

Is it the instant gratification you are looking for?

Dee74

Did that link on stress from last thread help any Unwound?

Maybe instead of looking at it as a control issue, you could come to think of it as an acceptance issue?

control takes a lot of teeth grinding muscle straining effort. You're likely to get tuckered out and that's when the inner addict is the most dangerous.

Accepting what my relationship with alcohol was, and what I needed to do, wasn't a grind - it was a release.

D

DesertTraveler

Definitely know what you mean, Unwound. Work/stress is a huge trigger for me and before stopping I did not think I could not drink after work, not even go one night without a drink. But we both know drinking is not the right way to cope with the stress that our jobs create. Try breathing exercises/meditating or going for a long walk after work. Walking my dog really helps me relax after work. Maybe join a gym???

Also, sounds like you're in an unhealthy situation. My wife doesn't keep any alcohol in our house/doesn't really drink at all, so I'm fortunate. Must be hard for you to be around. Have you every asked your wife or daughter to not keep the alcohol in the house/not drink at home, to support your sobriety? Or to keep it in a mini fridge or something, out of sight? You gotta do what you gotta do to stay sober/strong. I couldn't handle that, but I'm only at day 30-something. Even had to get rid of all my shot glasses/name brand collector glasses (Jim Beam, Jack Daniels, etc).

BrendaChenowyth

If it can't be dumped out or given away, at the very least find a place out of sight in a room you virtually never go in to. The best thing to do would be to lock it up.

Absolutely nothing left out on the kitchen counter, no bar set up, nothing in the fridge, nothing like that. It needs to be AWAY.

Marie0101

Do they realize how much of a struggle this is and the effects drinking has had on you? Maybe you could share some of that (or more of that). And see if they could keep it out of the house for a while. Last night I found myself standing at my refrigerator looking in for wine. I had no memory of going over and opening the door, it is just such a huge habit for me to drink in the evenings it didn't even consciously register. I'm really glad there was nothing in there! I really don't know what I would have done standing there.

Best of luck!

Unwound

Dee I'm not sure I understand what you mean; I accept that I am done with alcohol, can't go back, can't drink normally. The animal part of me still wants to and won't be reasoned with but I am in charge at least for now. Doesn't stop the bear clawing at the walls sometimes though. I still feel I'm missing some your meaning though.

Dee74

If the animal part of you still wants to drink, then maybe acceptance is not 100%?

I'm not criticising you in any way with this post, but sometimes how we phrase things is a good indication of what we;re feeling...


There's a sense of ambivalence in your writing - your addiction is wild (untamed?) but you're in change of the beast -'for now.'..

can you see that that leaves open the possibility you might not be in control one day?

I stopped seeing my addiction as a wild animal. Its not.

It has no arms or legs - it can't go to the shop and buy booze, it can't answer for itself when someone asks if you want a drink.

It hasn't even got a brain - it just reacts to stimuli.

It needs you to get what it wants.

It. needs. you.

That leaves you in a great and very powerful position

It's like a toddler - it can make a great deal of noise...it can be persistent and stubborn and willful...but it's just a toddler...ignore the toddler long enough and it will tire itself out and go to sleep.

If you accept that you hold the power in this relationship and not the addiction, you'll be one step closer to full acceptance.

D

badgerden

Keep up the sober fight Unwound! My AV pulled the same sh*t on me. All I could think about was that drink, okay bottle, after work. What I finally did was make it impossible to accommodate it. I would leave my wallet at home, I carried no money, no plastic nothing I even emptied my car and purse of any loose change. Short of barrowing money from co workers, which thankfully, I never did, I Couldn't stop and buy anything even if I gave in. Do what ever it takes to stay sober, it is so worth it!
Badge

Gottalife

I have some sympathy for this position. Whose problem is it anyway. When my folks offered to give up drinking, I declined. How would their giving up get me sober?

"In our belief any scheme of combating alcoholism which proposes to shield the sick man from temptation is doomed to failure. If the alcoholic tries to shield himself he may succeed for a time, but he usually winds up with a bigger explosion than ever. We have tried these methods. These attempts to do the impossible have always failed."

This was my experience also. Whenever I tried to shield myself, with antabuse, by hiding away, it never lasted long. When the obsession came back, I drank. If there was no booze immediately to hand, I would just go buy some.

Hiding from temptation is not nearly as effective as treating the problem. And that was the thing. When My folks made their generous offer I was already 100% committed to treating the problem. It wasn't neccessary for them to change their lives on my account.

MissPerfumado

Like Gottalife, I have sympathy for the position of not asking wife and daughter to put away their booze. That may not be a popular position here, but I always found it difficult to impose my not drinking on what others wanted to do.

I like the way Dee put it. And someone else referred to a similar thought too. I mean, there must be things you'd like to do deep down but you know you can't ever do, so it is not seen by you as even remotely an option. Like sleeping with the 20 year old, for instance. Ain't gonna happen. You've 100% accepted it right? So you don't even have to fight the urge. It's never gonna happen. I think that's what Dee is getting at. If something is well and truly off the table, there's not even an argument over whether you can have it or not.

thomas11

^^^^This is truly brilliant.

dwtbd

I have somewhat of a confession to make , concerning at least one topic on this thread.
Yesterday my wife deciding on a new recipe for a brisket dish, one involving beer as an ingredient. I made two stops on the way home from work and had a shower and then donned my pjs , when she related how she forgot to buy some beer for the meal. I said that was ok , I thought the recipe would hold up minus the beer, and thankfully convinced her that since juniper berries were out of season that pitted cherries in heavy syrup may not be the most suitable/workable substitute. She wasn't comfortable losing two ingredients, but commenting in way to suggest that since I was fine with out the beer that perhaps it had to do with the fact I am a teetotaller, it didn't it was more the pjs, but I may have used her sympathy to my advantage. Does this make me a bad guy ? Cos I am more than comfortable justifying it by saying it is a perk of being a teetotaller, and in the past I'm sure I used the excuse of not 'feeling well' and trying to pretend that didn't mean hungover to point of nonaction and this just seems better ?
Either way can't believe she bought it, lol, last week I stopped and got the white wine for the chicken dish. I am comfortable eating meals prepared with alcohol, I suppose she thought beer was too close to home and I let her think that. But cmon I already had my pjs on, right ?!

SoberLeigh

Indeed!

BixBees505

PJs on mean "no more out in the world today." Universally accepted and in the Geneva Convention section 872.iii.c.

Algorithm

Dee already made some really good points about who has control, and touched on the ambivalence of the 'for now' statement, but let's see if I can separate this out further.

Firstly, you may accept, but yet not forsake, and "I can't drink" can easily mean "I would drink if I could", so all the AV has to do is convince you that you might be able to drink. This is where the "nobody would know" argument comes from.

You can't really blame it for trying this avenue when you leave an opening for it to work with, though. Try changing the "can't drink" to "won't drink", and see if that helps clarify the situation.

Secondly, about this "I am in charge at least for now" statement. The AV is saying "sure, you can say you won't drink now, but I'll still get you then." This puts you on the defensive, and makes you feel very uncertain.

It is always NOW though, no matter when it is, or what day or year it is. When next week actually arrives, for example, it will still be NOW, so you can checkmate the AV on that point, by simply deciding, "I never drink in the present moment".

See if that helps with the uncertainty of now vs then.