I have no one to talk to
A Smart Bug is a Sober Bug!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Hot and Muggy South Florida
Posts: 1,396
I have no one to talk to
So I am getting a divorce. I want to talk about it but everyone I know thinks my husband is the world's best guy with no faults at all. They don't know about his verbal abuse - that is behind closed doors. They don't know the vile things he can say. They see him as Mr Perfect.Even my friends don't believe me.
I used to use alcohol to drown out his crap. The more I drank the smaller he became. Then he was nothing. I n eed to learn how to do that without drinking.
Sorry for the sob story. Part of me is in a rage and part of me is relieved. Three weeks ago i would have been smashed. Now i am making plans.
I used to use alcohol to drown out his crap. The more I drank the smaller he became. Then he was nothing. I n eed to learn how to do that without drinking.
Sorry for the sob story. Part of me is in a rage and part of me is relieved. Three weeks ago i would have been smashed. Now i am making plans.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Florida
Posts: 874
I think that when I sobered up, I changed and no longer took my husband's crap. So he left.
(he wasn't abusive in fact, he ignored me and had little regard for me at all. I dealt with it by drinking. when I quit alcohol, I guess I was less OK with his behavior)
(he wasn't abusive in fact, he ignored me and had little regard for me at all. I dealt with it by drinking. when I quit alcohol, I guess I was less OK with his behavior)
A Smart Bug is a Sober Bug!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Hot and Muggy South Florida
Posts: 1,396
Originally Posted by trachemys 
Drinking is not the way to solve life's problems. It makes them worse.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Divorce is very difficult and when you're so early in recovery, even more so.
I went through my divorce in my first 30 days sober, my first time trying. That was about 12 years ago. I was sober through the whole thing, took about 6 months. And I don't regret that. My situation was different, easier because he was not a bad guy. We were civil and worked things out with a mediator. I believe really the only thing you guys can fight over is custody and child support. If you're in a community property state the laws take care of that.
But rest assured, if you drink during the divorce, the custody case, if you have one, will get very messy. You obviously don't want to lose your kids and it appears he's already threatening that.
I went to AA during that time and it really helped. And counseling. It's great just to be able to vent f2f with someone who is there to completely support you. Hang in there.
I went through my divorce in my first 30 days sober, my first time trying. That was about 12 years ago. I was sober through the whole thing, took about 6 months. And I don't regret that. My situation was different, easier because he was not a bad guy. We were civil and worked things out with a mediator. I believe really the only thing you guys can fight over is custody and child support. If you're in a community property state the laws take care of that.
But rest assured, if you drink during the divorce, the custody case, if you have one, will get very messy. You obviously don't want to lose your kids and it appears he's already threatening that.
I went to AA during that time and it really helped. And counseling. It's great just to be able to vent f2f with someone who is there to completely support you. Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Divorce is very difficult and when you're so early in recovery, even more so.
I went through my divorce in my first 30 days sober, my first time trying. That was about 12 years ago. I was sober through the whole thing, took about 6 months. And I don't regret that. My situation was different, easier because he was not a bad guy. We were civil and worked things out with a mediator. I believe really the only thing you guys can fight over is custody and child support. If you're in a community property state the laws take care of that.
But rest assured, if you drink during the divorce, the custody case, if you have one, will get very messy. You obviously don't want to lose your kids and it appears he's already threatening that.
I went to AA during that time and it really helped. And counseling. It's great just to be able to vent f2f with someone who is there to completely support you. Hang in there.
I went through my divorce in my first 30 days sober, my first time trying. That was about 12 years ago. I was sober through the whole thing, took about 6 months. And I don't regret that. My situation was different, easier because he was not a bad guy. We were civil and worked things out with a mediator. I believe really the only thing you guys can fight over is custody and child support. If you're in a community property state the laws take care of that.
But rest assured, if you drink during the divorce, the custody case, if you have one, will get very messy. You obviously don't want to lose your kids and it appears he's already threatening that.
I went to AA during that time and it really helped. And counseling. It's great just to be able to vent f2f with someone who is there to completely support you. Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: New York
Posts: 35,731
You know the truth, earthsteps. In the long run it doesn't matter what others think. What matters is you and your happiness.
The others haven't walked in your shoes, day in and day out, with a verbally abusive husband. I'm happy you're not drinking. Good for you!
You can share here all you like. We're family.
The others haven't walked in your shoes, day in and day out, with a verbally abusive husband. I'm happy you're not drinking. Good for you!
You can share here all you like. We're family.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
Now's the time to stay close and really commit to solid self-care. I'm guessing you've got at least half of HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, tired) going on and that means it's important to up your vigilance.
Take care. I'm sorry you're going through this but also have great hope for you that sobriety will bring you a renewed lease on life.
Take care. I'm sorry you're going through this but also have great hope for you that sobriety will bring you a renewed lease on life.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: NC
Posts: 662
I'm sorry you are going through this, but glad that you decided to reach out here. It is infuriating when we try to reach out for support and no one listens or believes you.
My grandfather is extremely verbally abusive and my grandmother never left him and she has been miserable ever since. She hates that everyone in their community thinks he is the most adorable kind and caring old man in the planet. Even the receptionists at their doctors always tell her how lucky she is to have a husband like him. I am sure you can relate to that and I have seen how it has eaten away at her. The reason I mention my grandma is because she never stood up for herself and always assumed he would change. Well, he has only gotten worse towards her. I know deep down she wishes she had had the nerve to just leave him, and I am so proud of you for deciding that you won't just forever put up with him.
Keep posting and reaching out. Keep moving forward in your recovery and you will continue to get stronger and stronger!
My grandfather is extremely verbally abusive and my grandmother never left him and she has been miserable ever since. She hates that everyone in their community thinks he is the most adorable kind and caring old man in the planet. Even the receptionists at their doctors always tell her how lucky she is to have a husband like him. I am sure you can relate to that and I have seen how it has eaten away at her. The reason I mention my grandma is because she never stood up for herself and always assumed he would change. Well, he has only gotten worse towards her. I know deep down she wishes she had had the nerve to just leave him, and I am so proud of you for deciding that you won't just forever put up with him.
Keep posting and reaching out. Keep moving forward in your recovery and you will continue to get stronger and stronger!
Formerly ScrewdUpInDe
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: In the Nightmare in my head
Posts: 5,329
I'm sorry to hear what you are going through earthsteps.
Are you seeing any type of counselor, not marriage counselor? They should be able to help you develop tools to help you deal with the things life throws at us.
As was already stated, we are here for you.
Are you seeing any type of counselor, not marriage counselor? They should be able to help you develop tools to help you deal with the things life throws at us.
As was already stated, we are here for you.
A Smart Bug is a Sober Bug!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Hot and Muggy South Florida
Posts: 1,396
I have a therapist - but i am not happy with her. She gets distracted easily. Focuses on the unimportant things. I need tobfind a new one.
I just feel alone. I can't imagine how alone i am going to feel on the 15th in my new apartment.
I just feel alone. I can't imagine how alone i am going to feel on the 15th in my new apartment.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Reality
Posts: 491
This is the second time my husband leave the first time we were not married. I feel devastated but he keep telling me he would leave if i didnt quit. I didnt quit actually my driking got worst. Too much stress at work. now i have a new job and my problems are even bigger. Im friends with the manager and the team hates her so things are pretty shaky and only 3 weeks on the job i feel i am going to get fired. i cant afford that. I want my life back my old job and my husband but that wont be happening so i am having a hard time staying sober i feel i have lost my life and there is nothing to live for.
i also find myself lying to my self saying maybe i just had bad luck because everybody drinks its crazy denail.
i also find myself lying to my self saying maybe i just had bad luck because everybody drinks its crazy denail.
Marchia in Aeternum
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 11,094
You don't have to feel alone in your new apartment on the 15th.
We will be there with you. If you don't have wifi or phone connection, take your computer and go to McDonalds. We're there. Go to a library. We're always here.
We will be there with you. If you don't have wifi or phone connection, take your computer and go to McDonalds. We're there. Go to a library. We're always here.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,308
Sorry you feel alone. I divorced one of those "good guys" too, someone that had no enemies and was all around a likeable guy. Heck, I liked him too, as a friend. But I didn't want to be his wife. I was nobody special to him, just his glorified roommate. He put himself first and I was just another person on par with his friends, mother, and siblings, he gave me no special concerns for being his life partner.
He lived on the surface and had little intimacy with me or even friends, he was your classic good time guy.
I'm sure his friends wondered what was wrong with me on some level, i.e. Who can't get along with that guy? But really none of that matters. You matter, what you want matters. Don't ever feel bad for standing up for your own needs!
We are here for you.
He lived on the surface and had little intimacy with me or even friends, he was your classic good time guy.
I'm sure his friends wondered what was wrong with me on some level, i.e. Who can't get along with that guy? But really none of that matters. You matter, what you want matters. Don't ever feel bad for standing up for your own needs!
We are here for you.
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