boyfriend of 8 months - does he have an alcohol problem?
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boyfriend of 8 months - does he have an alcohol problem?
Hi everyone,
Could i ask for some help? I'm not very familiar with addictions or alcoholism, there's none in my family, so I'm probably not good at recognizing the signs. But I'm a bit worried about my boyfriend, whom I have been dating for 9 months.
I actually don't know how much he really drinks - we do not live together and we have maybe 2 dates per week, max.
But I have seen him get blackout drunk on maybe 3-4 occasions since we've been dating. I only know because while he does get slurry and wobbly when drunk he is often still conversible and his usual chatty self. Twice he says he remembers nothing of our "deep and meaningful" conversation, nor how we got home (taxi or I drove) nor whether he paid his birthday bar tab (I did)... And of course when drunk or hung over we can't really be intimate, which upsets me quite a lot.
He also drinks a few beers on occasion without getting totally wasted but i still think it's too much, for his weight., his health, etc.
in the rest of the time he is a very responsible, brilliant, sweet and gentle man: a scientist, an athlete, a great community member and president of our sports club. He's thoughtful, respectful of my personal space and of me as a person, loves his family, works hard and takes care of others, is generous and a great cook and just generally fun and funny and kind. Even when drunk he is still his sweet helpful trying to be responsible self.
But the fact is he does drink. And he seems to have had an eating problem before as he is quite heavy and needed to have surgery to lose weight. Maybe he's replaced an eating disorder with a drinking one, I don't know.
I want to bring it up to him because I care about him, but I am scared to hurt him. I know he feels bad about his weight and is embarrased about his scar - he tells everyone its from a hernia repair but admitted to me it was bariatric sx.
I was thinking about boundaries and I wondered if this would be appropriate: that it hurts me to see him get blackout drunk, and if he does it, I won't communicate with him for a week. I will get in touch after a week of course and it will be his choice if he wants to see me, but I'll insist on a week's no contact.
Does anyone here have any ideas how to broach the topic?
And is my "boundary" reasonable or a stupid idea?
Thank you!
Could i ask for some help? I'm not very familiar with addictions or alcoholism, there's none in my family, so I'm probably not good at recognizing the signs. But I'm a bit worried about my boyfriend, whom I have been dating for 9 months.
I actually don't know how much he really drinks - we do not live together and we have maybe 2 dates per week, max.
But I have seen him get blackout drunk on maybe 3-4 occasions since we've been dating. I only know because while he does get slurry and wobbly when drunk he is often still conversible and his usual chatty self. Twice he says he remembers nothing of our "deep and meaningful" conversation, nor how we got home (taxi or I drove) nor whether he paid his birthday bar tab (I did)... And of course when drunk or hung over we can't really be intimate, which upsets me quite a lot.
He also drinks a few beers on occasion without getting totally wasted but i still think it's too much, for his weight., his health, etc.
in the rest of the time he is a very responsible, brilliant, sweet and gentle man: a scientist, an athlete, a great community member and president of our sports club. He's thoughtful, respectful of my personal space and of me as a person, loves his family, works hard and takes care of others, is generous and a great cook and just generally fun and funny and kind. Even when drunk he is still his sweet helpful trying to be responsible self.
But the fact is he does drink. And he seems to have had an eating problem before as he is quite heavy and needed to have surgery to lose weight. Maybe he's replaced an eating disorder with a drinking one, I don't know.
I want to bring it up to him because I care about him, but I am scared to hurt him. I know he feels bad about his weight and is embarrased about his scar - he tells everyone its from a hernia repair but admitted to me it was bariatric sx.
I was thinking about boundaries and I wondered if this would be appropriate: that it hurts me to see him get blackout drunk, and if he does it, I won't communicate with him for a week. I will get in touch after a week of course and it will be his choice if he wants to see me, but I'll insist on a week's no contact.
Does anyone here have any ideas how to broach the topic?
And is my "boundary" reasonable or a stupid idea?
Thank you!
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Any boundary you want to set for your own comfort is a reasonable one.
If I were you I'd be very concerned about his behavior. Over-eating and alcoholism are definitely two points on the same anxiety/depression/compulsion/dysfunction line. Be really cautious about him.
If I were you I'd be very concerned about his behavior. Over-eating and alcoholism are definitely two points on the same anxiety/depression/compulsion/dysfunction line. Be really cautious about him.
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thank you Biminiblue. i have heard this, and it sounds like wisdom to me.
I also think I will screw up my courage and talk with him about it. I just wish I knew how to start!!!
"hi, we need to talk?"
"hi, I'd like to talk about something important to me, do you have time for this now or is another time better?"
"hi, what's up with your drinking? Can you stop?"
Gah. All these scare me.
I also think I will screw up my courage and talk with him about it. I just wish I knew how to start!!!
"hi, we need to talk?"
"hi, I'd like to talk about something important to me, do you have time for this now or is another time better?"
"hi, what's up with your drinking? Can you stop?"
Gah. All these scare me.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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Well, he knows he has a problem. You aren't going to be able to effect much change by asking him to quit. It has to come from him.
Setting boundaries around what YOU are willing to be around is another matter: it isn't telling him what to do, and it will have the affect of giving you a sense of safety and control over your life and environment. You deserve a relationship free of the kinds of behaviors you described in your first post.
There is also a "Friends and Family" section here on this site, where people who are dealing with the drinking problems of others frequently post. You may want to have a peek in there. Here's a link:
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com
Setting boundaries around what YOU are willing to be around is another matter: it isn't telling him what to do, and it will have the affect of giving you a sense of safety and control over your life and environment. You deserve a relationship free of the kinds of behaviors you described in your first post.
There is also a "Friends and Family" section here on this site, where people who are dealing with the drinking problems of others frequently post. You may want to have a peek in there. Here's a link:
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com
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Location: Upper Midwest
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Alcoholism, to me anyway, is defined as the inability to control one's drinking. If you ask him to not get drunk, and he continues to get drunk, he is either insensitive to your reasonable request, or (more likely) he is an alcoholic.
As to how you raise the issue with him, I don't think it matters. Being direct makes the most sense to me. Just lay it out there. Tell him that if the relationship is going to continue, and to hopefully progress, you need him to control his drinking. There is nothing unreasonable or offensive about raising this issue with him. In fact, in my opinion, you NEED to have this conversation with him.
Good luck. I hope you will keep posting and let us know how things go.
As to how you raise the issue with him, I don't think it matters. Being direct makes the most sense to me. Just lay it out there. Tell him that if the relationship is going to continue, and to hopefully progress, you need him to control his drinking. There is nothing unreasonable or offensive about raising this issue with him. In fact, in my opinion, you NEED to have this conversation with him.
Good luck. I hope you will keep posting and let us know how things go.
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you're right. Darn it I need to have this talk. **** **** **** Gaahhhh!! Makes me very nervous. I'm meeting his mother tonight!!!!
OK I will keep an eye on his mum and see what I learn frmo observing her too. And then I will talk to him... next week... direct approach no pussyfooting around...
Thank you for the link to the friends forum I will check that out.
OK I will keep an eye on his mum and see what I learn frmo observing her too. And then I will talk to him... next week... direct approach no pussyfooting around...
Thank you for the link to the friends forum I will check that out.
Last edited by Dee74; 05-27-2016 at 04:23 PM.
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Welcome Hazel - some good advice here 
If it concerns you, I think you have a right to bring it up, and I think you have a right to insist on boundaries you choose.
Make them good boundaries tho - boundaries shouldn't be about punishing the other person IMO - they should be about safeguarding your well being and clearly delineating what you find acceptable, and what not.
D
If it concerns you, I think you have a right to bring it up, and I think you have a right to insist on boundaries you choose.
Make them good boundaries tho - boundaries shouldn't be about punishing the other person IMO - they should be about safeguarding your well being and clearly delineating what you find acceptable, and what not.
D
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Originally Posted by Dee74 
you have a right to insist on boundaries you choose.
Make them good boundaries tho - boundaries shouldn't be about punishing the other person IMO - they should be about safeguarding your well being and clearly delineating what you find acceptable, and what not.
D
Make them good boundaries tho - boundaries shouldn't be about punishing the other person IMO - they should be about safeguarding your well being and clearly delineating what you find acceptable, and what not.
D
On another note meeting his mum went very well last night. There was no boozing at all. She imbibed reasonably and he sipped a single beer. I'm feeling a bit better..
Tonight however will be a challenge: it's rookie night for our sports team and I predict some blackout plasteration will occur... i hope not. My every instinct will be to help him and take him home if he's legless, or take him to mine.
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I'm glad that you came here. Have you posted in the friends and family forum? If you care to here's the link:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
You'll gather more insight from others who are dealing with exactly what you are. We love that you came here, you're getting very honest opinions from we who were in his shoes (or still are).
If he's blacking out and it's happened more than once, yes, there's a problem. It sounds like you're very invested in this relationship and I understand that. I know that your concern is for him but please remember that this is about you too. You listed out some really great qualities in him. Please know that many of us fit the same description but when it comes to alcohol all those pleasing things can quickly be negated.
There's a thin line between taking care of someone and enabling them. Even if he doesn't black out tonight it might be a good idea to at least have a discussion with him about what's occurred and how you feel about it. You need to find your line. Please, remember to take care of you. The fact that you came here shows that you're affected. There's help here, I'm glad you did.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
You'll gather more insight from others who are dealing with exactly what you are. We love that you came here, you're getting very honest opinions from we who were in his shoes (or still are).
If he's blacking out and it's happened more than once, yes, there's a problem. It sounds like you're very invested in this relationship and I understand that. I know that your concern is for him but please remember that this is about you too. You listed out some really great qualities in him. Please know that many of us fit the same description but when it comes to alcohol all those pleasing things can quickly be negated.
There's a thin line between taking care of someone and enabling them. Even if he doesn't black out tonight it might be a good idea to at least have a discussion with him about what's occurred and how you feel about it. You need to find your line. Please, remember to take care of you. The fact that you came here shows that you're affected. There's help here, I'm glad you did.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
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Your description of his behaviors sounds a lot like glimpses of my own past life.... back before I was willing to see my addictions, before I was willing to accept the problem alcohol really was in my life... before it really began to negatively impact me and those around me.
So - I can't judge your boyfriend, but I can tell you that the lens you've offered was a lens that in hindsight of my own experience revealed the scope of my problem long before I was ready to acknowledge it.
That you are seeking counsel from an addiction forum strikes me as important to consider. That you are suggesting a structure of 'no contact ' consequences seems to indicate your relative lack of understanding how addiction really works. It seems to suggest you'd like to change him. Perhaps you'd like to know that you are 'worth it' to him. Perhaps your concern for him leads you to want to help him. All of these are understandable - but unlikely to serve him or you, especially if his drinking is a stage of alcoholism much like mine was.
If you're looking for advice, mine would be to honor what's really eating at you. There is something in you that finds his drinking and his behavior deeply disturbing. To be fully present and honest in relationship is to offer yourself and the other the greatest honor you can. So tell him of your concerns. Tell him that you cannot be in relationship with an active alcoholic, that you're concerned he may be headed down or firmly on that track. Search yourself to identify what it would mean to you if he truly does have an alcoholic problem. Will you want that in your life? Is there enough history here that you're prepared to invest what could be years or decades of struggle? What are your boundaries if you do choose to be in relationship with him? What is this relationship worth? These are all things to search for yourself - and then to be honest with him about.
So - I can't judge your boyfriend, but I can tell you that the lens you've offered was a lens that in hindsight of my own experience revealed the scope of my problem long before I was ready to acknowledge it.
That you are seeking counsel from an addiction forum strikes me as important to consider. That you are suggesting a structure of 'no contact ' consequences seems to indicate your relative lack of understanding how addiction really works. It seems to suggest you'd like to change him. Perhaps you'd like to know that you are 'worth it' to him. Perhaps your concern for him leads you to want to help him. All of these are understandable - but unlikely to serve him or you, especially if his drinking is a stage of alcoholism much like mine was.
If you're looking for advice, mine would be to honor what's really eating at you. There is something in you that finds his drinking and his behavior deeply disturbing. To be fully present and honest in relationship is to offer yourself and the other the greatest honor you can. So tell him of your concerns. Tell him that you cannot be in relationship with an active alcoholic, that you're concerned he may be headed down or firmly on that track. Search yourself to identify what it would mean to you if he truly does have an alcoholic problem. Will you want that in your life? Is there enough history here that you're prepared to invest what could be years or decades of struggle? What are your boundaries if you do choose to be in relationship with him? What is this relationship worth? These are all things to search for yourself - and then to be honest with him about.
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Originally Posted by Hazelthebunny
Maybe my saying "no contact for a week" sounds more like punishing... I hadn't thought of that. a friend suggested I read "loving an addict, loving yourself" which I think I will read before trying to set boundaries the consequences of which I may not understand...
On another note meeting his mum went very well last night. There was no boozing at all. She imbibed reasonably and he sipped a single beer. I'm feeling a bit better..
Tonight however will be a challenge: it's rookie night for our sports team and I predict some blackout plasteration will occur... i hope not. My every instinct will be to help him and take him home if he's legless, or take him to mine.
On another note meeting his mum went very well last night. There was no boozing at all. She imbibed reasonably and he sipped a single beer. I'm feeling a bit better..
Tonight however will be a challenge: it's rookie night for our sports team and I predict some blackout plasteration will occur... i hope not. My every instinct will be to help him and take him home if he's legless, or take him to mine.
I think those discussions are best put in the form of 'if you do this, my reaction is going to be to do this'. The onus that way is on the addict.I also recommend Co-Dependent No More as a good read - it's a real eye-opener
D
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Originally Posted by FreeOwl
That you are seeking counsel from an addiction forum strikes me as important to consider. That you are suggesting a structure of 'no contact ' consequences seems to indicate your relative lack of understanding how addiction really works. It seems to suggest you'd like to change him. Perhaps you'd like to know that you are 'worth it' to him. Perhaps your concern for him leads you to want to help him. All of these are understandable - but unlikely to serve him or you, especially if his drinking is a stage of alcoholism much like mine was.
If you're looking for advice, mine would be to honor what's really eating at you. There is something in you that finds his drinking and his behavior deeply disturbing. To be fully present and honest in relationship is to offer yourself and the other the greatest honor you can. So tell him of your concerns. Tell him that you cannot be in relationship with an active alcoholic, that you're concerned he may be headed down or firmly on that track. Search yourself to identify what it would mean to you if he truly does have an alcoholic problem. Will you want that in your life? Is there enough history here that you're prepared to invest what could be years or decades of struggle? What are your boundaries if you do choose to be in relationship with him? What is this relationship worth? These are all things to search for yourself - and then to be honest with him about.
thanks for these insights. I think that's probably true: I would like him to change, and I would like to feel that 'm worth it for him to make that effort. But i guess a person never changes for someone else, only for themselves. And that's probably true for all behaviours not just alcohol use.
What would it mean to me if he continued to drink... probably a diminishment of our sex life, less intimacy, and less being fully present with one another... and ultimately loneliness and frustration that's too much to bear...
and then I guess losing someone I love, saying goodbye when I didn't want to. **** this is making me cry to think of...
I've thought about what you said and yes I could probably just cut him loose now and get over it in a few months. But... I don;t want to. I'll post again a new thing because WE HAD A TALK and it went well... at least I think so and I would like to ask for your thoughts on it.
thank you!
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Originally Posted by LadyBlue0527
There's a thin line between taking care of someone and enabling them. .
thank you!
Can I ask - was I enabling him...
so the team rookie night did prove to be a bender, as I thought it might. He couldn't stand any more or barely see and had reached a level of speechlessness that we all call "speaking Bob" (his name isn't Bob but you get what I mean...)
enabling? I rolled him into a taxi and told the cabbie to take him to mine. I followed on my bike because I didn't want to leave my bike downtown.
Enabling? I met the cab at mine and had to pay as my boyfriend couldn't see to use the credit card machine although he was really trying.
Enabling? I brought him up, helped him all the way into bed, took off his socks, brought him water.
Enabling? I finally just took an extra sheet and went to sleep on the couch as he had gas
I'm wondering... was that helping? Or enabling... I don't know, I really dont...
Any wisdom would be so much appreciated...
thank you!
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Hazel, did you avail yourself to the link to the Friends and Family forum? Not trying to kick you out of Newcomers, but you really need the help of those who have walked in your shoes and who struggle with the fine line between helping their A and enabling them.
And I'm going to say something to you that I said to a woman who is having a similar problem with her addict of 6 months.
The early stages of a relationship is the time to determine if a couple is compatible, if they share interests, values, morals. All the time people in normal dating determine they aren't a fit and break up. Now, I don't know what factors you are using for compatibility, but ask yourself, "Why have I made dating (and the subsequent helping/enabling) a fall-down drunk acceptable as part of our relationship?"
And I'm going to say something to you that I said to a woman who is having a similar problem with her addict of 6 months.
The early stages of a relationship is the time to determine if a couple is compatible, if they share interests, values, morals. All the time people in normal dating determine they aren't a fit and break up. Now, I don't know what factors you are using for compatibility, but ask yourself, "Why have I made dating (and the subsequent helping/enabling) a fall-down drunk acceptable as part of our relationship?"
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Originally Posted by doggonecarl
but ask yourself, "Why have I made dating (and the subsequent helping/enabling) a fall-down drunk acceptable as part of our relationship?"
thanks I have posed the question in the thread you recommended. They all said "enabling!!"
re the above, and sorry if I am still in the wrong board but it was an interesting question so I gave it some thought...
I guess it's because I see the drinking as just a part of him and his character. Not the whole picture. I mean, he has a PhD and is a pretty hardworking successful researcher... but again that's not something I see as the whole picture, just part of it. I keep telling myself the drinking is not everything about who he is: that there is so much good in him that comes out all the time, and we laugh together so much, and cuddle and cook and walk my dog and go kick the rugby ball around... and all taken together the rest of it seems (at times) to be so much bigger than his drinking.
I wonder... am I just making excuses you've all heard a million times from others like me... Anyway I will probably keep posting in the Friends and Family thread from now on. I guess that makes the most sense?
thanks very much everyone
xo
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Originally Posted by Hazelthebunny
I guess it's because I see the drinking as just a part of him and his character. Not the whole picture. I mean, he has a PhD and is a pretty hardworking successful researcher... but again that's not something I see as the whole picture, just part of it. I keep telling myself the drinking is not everything about who he is: that there is so much good in him that comes out all the time, and we laugh together so much, and cuddle and cook and walk my dog and go kick the rugby ball around... and all taken together the rest of it seems (at times) to be so much bigger than his drinking.
I wonder... am I just making excuses you've all heard a million times from others like me... Anyway I will probably keep posting in the Friends and Family thread from now on. I guess that makes the most sense?
thanks very much everyone
xo
I wonder... am I just making excuses you've all heard a million times from others like me... Anyway I will probably keep posting in the Friends and Family thread from now on. I guess that makes the most sense?
thanks very much everyone
xo
The other thing to remember is that alcoholism/addiction gets progressively worse. So the "good" times become fewer and farther between as the drinking gets worse and worse. And for some, the drinking/addiction becomes the totality of their life where they do nothing but drink/use all day long.
You are always welcome here in Newcomers but I hope you can also find help in F&F. Always keep as many support options open as you can.
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