Dee74

Good to hear from you and to hear you're being proactive

D

Lightning Bug

I am at a loss. I am trying to be civil but he is treating me like I am the one who started all this. He is the one telling me to get out. That I will only have supervised visitation under his watch. That i am the problem. Yet he is acting like i wanted this. That i want to be divorced. Like he is the victim. He congratulated me on my thirty days today and then followed up with his expectation of my failure.

FreeOwl

try not to let the vindictive, hurtful comments get to you. they're not about you, they're about his own hurt and his own areas of need for growth.

you're in a difficult period..... separations, breakups, divorces.... they bring out the worst in us all.

take time and energy to nurture yourself, keep focused on your health and sobriety and trust in it all working out.

over time, it really will.

Lightning Bug

I am trying to take care of myself. This is hard for him because he likes to be the boss. He likes to tell me what to do, how to do it, to stop doing something, you name it. He once told me he thinks of me like a child. What he doesn't realize is that I am a capable adult who just gives in to avoid conflict. A child? I am a degreed professional, a software engineer. I have accomplished a lot in my life. I am perfectly capable of living my own life. And that life will be sober.

I have 4 apartments on my list. I am seeing two of them this weekend. I intend to be out of here by the 15th. I won't continue to be beaten down by someone who just wants to control me.

melki

Please see a lawyer about custody.

Lightning Bug

I can't. He has video evidence of my alcoholic actions. He has documentation of all of my stupidity. How can I possibly win anything when the evidence against me says I am unfit? I am sober now, yes. But I wasn't for over a year.

We agreed that I would pick the kids up from school on Tuesday and Thursday and spend a few hours with them at the house. I will also have them at my apartment on Sat and Sun - but for now he demands to be present to make sure I am sober. I am under his control again.

I don't know what to do.

Upward2Enlightenment

You should look into custody arrangements with Family Court. Edit: ignore this

I would still talk to a lawyer. When is the video from?

Lightning Bug

He has all sorts of videos of me acting out, ranting, passing out, all sorts of things. I was a home drinker - I never drank in public.

Venecia

Which is why you need a good family law attorney to help advocate for you as a parent and spouse.

My hunch? He's got an attorney already. You need to level the playing field, no matter what he's "got" on you. You still have rights.

melki

You know what to do.

#1. Keep being sober.

#2. Talk to a lawyer.

I hate to sound like a broken record, but I care. You are in a very vulnerable position and completely at his mercy regarding custody. If you talk to a competent attorney, s/he will give you an advice regarding your options. S/he will not start court proceedings without your permission. You shouldn't fear the lawyers in this situation, you should fear the husband, because the ball is completely in his court and he is absolutely capable of taking the children away from you. Unless you prepare yourself.

I quote myself from your other topic:

Lightning Bug

Maybe I do need supervised visitation. In the last year I have proved to be untrustworthy. I put alcohol before everything. I am early in recovery. Can I be trusted now?

Lightning Bug

You are right. I have to protect myself and my rights. But I am scared of court proceedings. I am scared of being exposed.

Lightning Bug

He doesn't have a lawyer yet. He gave me all the money he had to get out of his life. He doesn't have any money left.

I don't know how to get a lawyer when the money i have is earmarked for moving and the apartment.

Venecia

Melki has offered wise counsel, ES.

Ultimately, it may be in the hands of a family law judge to decide what kind of custody arrangement puts the best interests of your children front and center. An attorney will help you retain access to your children. It may be under supervision, but in the long run, if that's what puts your kids' needs first, it's not so bad. I would assume that there also would be some sort of plan to follow your progress so that supervision is an issue that can be revisited as you gain sobriety.

Lightning Bug

The most important thing I need to do is to stay sober. I need to prove it. If i go along with the plan we set up i can start to regain trust.

melki

Are you scared of losing your children? Are you prepared to hand over all decision-making regarding them and when/how you see them over to your husband? You need to act and protect yourself. You can afford a one-time consultation at least. It doesn't bind you to anything.

melki

Didn't you mention in your other topic that he boasted about the money he has set aside?

Lightning Bug

I am terrified of losing my children. I want the best for them. I want them in a stable home. I want a set schedule for visitation. If it has to be supervised then it will have to be. But i do not want to be bullied into accepting his terms.

Lightning Bug

He took out a loan for 5k. He gave me 3k to get the apartment. Then he went shopping with the rest of the money - bought a bunch of new things. I bet he has nothing left.

Lightning Bug

I am afraid that I will start a war if I get a lawyer. So far our talks are agreeable. He isn't threatening me yet. You make so much sense. I completely agree. I am just scared of starting something that could end with me getting nothing.