amazingjoy

Hi Volshen,

You have referred several times to " feeling good" during the first hour. I'd like to challenge that and ask you if you are really feeling good or if you are just feeling numbed...or essentially NOT feeling?

Either way, it is 1 hour of what you perceive to be relief for 23 hours of feeling terrible.

It can be the hardest thing to get over what feels like a tidal wave at first, but you will start to feel so much better physically, mentally and you will gain SO much more self confidence. You just need to push through the first few weeks as hard as you can and hold on to the knowledge that it really MUST get better or no one would be happy about getting back to having a "real" life.

After all the effort and thought you have given to drinking and trying to hide drinking and avoid the consequences, isn't it worth giving as much or more effort for a while towards getting that poison out of your life? After all, it is the very poison you keep ingesting that is making you feel miserable and hopeless right? :-)

Volshen

Thank you Thomas and Amazingjoy.

I agree .. 1 hour relief followed by 23 hours of feeling terrible. Not worth it.

Today I am struggling .. I don't want to feel like I do now ... (on edge) but I also haven't bought beer because as you said amazingjoy ... there's got to be a reason the people who make it through this stage are glad they did.

I quit smoking cigarettes ... I stopped counting early on .. but I think it must be close to a year now without them. I look back on smoking and the idea of a cigarette as ridiculous and I know 100% I would never go back. Even when I drink I avoid them .. they were hard to quit but now that I'm free of any desire for them I would never wake that monster back up.

I want to get to that point with the drinking.

amazingjoy

Hi Volshen, I'm also working to change "my mind" about alcohol and see it for what is really is rather than romanticizing it or believing all of the phony ads and marketing and what society is following along with like blind sheep.

I'm reading a book right now (only half way through it) called "This Naked Mind" and so far I like it.

I quit smoking years ago and the biggest difference I see in between quitting smoking and drinking is that smoking doesn't drastically alter our cognitive abilities like drinking does.

I've also been watching some documentaries on youtube that are helping me feel repulsed by alcohol by seeing it for the poison and self-destructor that it really is.

amazingjoy

Oh yes, one more thing real quick...try to think of something else you CAN do besides drink to help take that edge of. Whether it is exercise or whatever works for you.

Drinking will only make the edge harder everday...it won't actually take it away...ever.

Dee74

I hope you feel a little better now Volshen?

D

Volshen

I ended up going out of town to an A.A meeting I had never been to before. Deciding what my plan is for tomorrow ... today was tough. The on edge feeling took quite a while to leave..

ScottFromWI

The good news is that it gets better. You are in the thick of initial withdrawals and things are all over both mentally and physically. It's unavoidable but finite....every day will get a little better. Keep at the meetings...they will help too.

fantail

Volshen, the way sobriety feels right now is nothing like what it'll ultimately feel like. You really have to do everything you can to get through the beginning.

The second time I got sober I couldn't count on myself to want to be sober more than I wanted to drink. So in a very short moment of wanting it I committed to going to rehab. That didn't make it easier per say, because rehab was really hard work... probably the hardest thing I've ever done. But what it did do was take some of the pressure off by putting that decision into other people's hands until I got through the first 30 days.

The first time I got sober I did it alone by basically doing absolutely nothing stressful for 30 days. I let myself watch TV as much as I wanted, eat whatever I wanted, etc. I was unemployed at the time too. You've got a great chance to give yourself a safe space to do this. Have you told your girlfriend that you're quitting? It would be a big help to have her support right now, or at least to not deal with the relationship issues immediately.

SweatyHands

In my experience, that "on edge" feeling changes what it triggers in me in sobriety. When I was drinking, the feeling would set off a spiral of anxiety and depression, mixed with drinking to try to push it away. After successfully returning to sobriety, now that "on edge" feeling is a catalyst for me to do something. It motivates me to do something with my time. When I feel like that, I pick up a guitar, go exploring with my dog, clean the house, work on one of the projects that I set aside when I was drinking, go have coffee with a friend, or any number of other things that satisfy that urge better than getting drunk ever did. I still have the feeling, but it means something different to me now.

Volshen

Day 4.

Hi Fantail,

My girlfriend is supportive. She would like the drinking to become a part of the past.

Volshen

Am alone today .. girlfriend spending time with her family. Drive home consisted of a back and forth in my mind .... drink .. or don't drink. The things I've been reading / writing about drinking not solving a thing helped me get home.. am still struggling though.

Making myself some food ... cup of coffee and going to read SR and listen to some good music. I intend to go a meeting later.

amazingjoy

Great job Volshen! Glad you made it home without caving!

Food should help a lot! Keep yourself well fed and hydrated,

Maybe you can try to find some kind of "special" drink that you can enjoy. A lot of people turn to some kind of sparkling water...so I gave that a try and it helps me. I mix in some kind of juice to make it more flavorful but eating really helps.

Volshen

If I am going to the meeting I need to get ready soon.

The debate in my head about whether I like A.A or don't like it is going on at the moment.

I've said before that sometimes the meetings help. That is because I guess it feels like I'm doing something about my problem even though I'm just sitting in chair, listening to people speak. But then there are the moments where the speaker goes on and on about higher powers, getting down on their knees to pray, and specifically saying that just sitting in meetings and not doing the steps won't get people sober.

Basically, tonights meeting is a half hour away from me. There is a chance I'd hear something that meant something to me .. but also a chance I'd leave feeling like I just wasted an hour and gas in my car.

Should I still be going even though I can't really work their program as they suggest and even though 8 out of 10 things said I just sort of tune out because it feels more like a church session?

** To those who don't take issue with religion, higher power, praying and that sort of thing .. please don't take offense .. I'm not judging you. I don't want to debate this issue ... Just seeking opinions pertaining to my situation.

Thank you ..

Volshen

At meetings I do like the fact I am around people who have gone through similar issues to me .. but I just know I could never completely follow their steps. So yeah ... I wonder if I'm wasting my time going if I'm simply hoping I'll hear something positive I can relate to .. since it's not guaranteed due to the heavy spiritual emphasis of A.A.

Volshen

But please .. if you are struggling and considering going to A.A .. DO NOT LET my opinion influence you! I am one person with my own views on things ... I have told people today on other threads who were wondering about A.A to just go and see what they think.

For many people it does work. So don't write it off based on anyone's opinion .. check it out for yourself.

Vinificent

Hi Brandon -
I go to AA even though I am atheist, don't "work the steps", or have a sponsor. I go for the fellowship and a reminder that there are people just like me who struggle with this every day. I take from AA what I need, hope I can maybe help someone else just by being there, and leave behind those aspects that are just not my thing.

I've read this thread. You are only 2 years older than my son. Are your parents still around? Not trying to pry into your personal situation, but if my son said to me he needed to give up his apartment and take a break from his job search so he could go to rehab and get sober for good, I would welcome him back home for as long as he needed.

Maybe if your girlfriend really wants you to get sober she will understand your need to make it a priority for the immediate future, and that means putting your job search on hold.

Also - you mentioned going to a Dr but not if you were offered antabuse or any other meds to help.
I only ask because antabuse does what it sounds like you need - it makes the first drink as bad as the last. (Not giving medical advice just sharing experience )

Stay strong 💪

fantail

I'm not religious and it took me a while to find an AA meeting that didn't make me feel alienated... I did eventually find one that I like a lot, though. Might be harder if you're far away from many meetings but if it is possible to try a few, I recommend that. Otherwise I think it depends on your own feelings. If you give it a try and really find that it's more frustration than benefit, then I think you can find other ways to maintain your sobriety. Posting here helps a lot for me!

Volshen

Hi Vinificent,

My parents are still alive (divorced)

My father almost died from alcoholism and is active in A.A ... he is supportive but is very careful about his own sobriety. Doesn't want anyone in his house who could potentially still drink. He knows that when people used to let him into their house, he'd try to get away with drinking still. If I were homeless ... maybe he'd give in but beyond that ... I really wouldn't want to push the issue with him.

My mother is moving back in with her ex-husband soon (not my father .. she's been married twice) and he wouldn't go for that.

I appreciate the suggestion though, it would be nice to go get better without any finances to worry about.

I'm going to have to recover / continue life at the same time .. not ideal but I have to...

Volshen

Fantail,

You're right .. I just want to find something that works for me ... I'm really thinking about this deeply tonight because tomorrow is day 5 ..... I made it to day 8 once ... but my "Just don't drink" attitude kind of slipped away.

gleefan

Great comments in this thread!

I went to AA meetings to have a place where booze wasn't an option for the hour I was there or the 15 minutes it took to drive there and back.

I listened. I participated by helping set up and making coffee. I looked for opportunities to relate to other people's stories.

I've learned a lot listening to other alcoholics! I hope you do too!