Day 1
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Washington state
Posts: 571
"I have always known there is nothing wrong with me mentally that makes me an alcoholic...so I never really bought into any of the stuff I have read in the past (a lot!) So I reckoned, if I wasn't drinking to self medicate..or I wasn't a moral defective (anymore than the next person)..like a lot of books reckon alcoholics are...then I couldn't be an alcoholic and if I just plugged away..Id get back to being able to drink socially.
As this book is based on scientific evidence..proven evidence..and says the disease is physiologically based..through genes...I now realise, I will NEVER be able to drink like a sane person..Ill always drink like a "mad idjit" everytime I try "
Wow! Everything you've said sounds like me except I'd been drinking for 25 years. That it's in the genes is true. My father was, all my siblings are alcoholics.
As this book is based on scientific evidence..proven evidence..and says the disease is physiologically based..through genes...I now realise, I will NEVER be able to drink like a sane person..Ill always drink like a "mad idjit" everytime I try "
Wow! Everything you've said sounds like me except I'd been drinking for 25 years. That it's in the genes is true. My father was, all my siblings are alcoholics.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 494
lynnmarie,
It's been 17 years for me and I am sick to death of it. Sick to death of managing to stop and having a bit of hope and the dashing it and starting again.
My family history too, is like a battlefield with alcoholism, littered with dead bodies and the injured.
My father, his father and mother.
Three of his brothers died of alcohol related diseases.
My mothers mother was an alcoholic, her mother too. But strangely my mother cannot tolerate alcohol at all. She has one drink and goes really red in the face (I do too) and then she feels ill and gets a migraine for days, she says it has saved her from a fate worse than death..becoming an alcoholic haha
I have tried everything in the past 17 years. AA, Smart Recovery (both online and face to face meetings). Jack Trimpey and AVRT. I have learnt a lot about addiction from those places. I have had Campral from the doctor...still I drank.
I drank socially until I was 36.
I went out once a week with my friends and drank like they did, and didn't think about alcohol again for the rest of the week.
I suffered quite badly from depression in my 20s..and NEVER drank because of it. Infact in my mid 20s I even gave up my going out once a week because I didnt feel like it, for 2 years, therefore didn't drink at all for 2 years...and I didn't miss it, didn't think twice about not having it.
I had 2 years of psychotheraphy and it got rid of my depression...and Ive never had it since (I get fed up, of course) but not that black clinical depression that used to overtake me.
Then, like I said when I was 36,
something changed, I was living with a heavy drinker and began drinking more and activated something in my body, and Ive been struggling with it ever since.
Take Care lynnmarie
It's been 17 years for me and I am sick to death of it. Sick to death of managing to stop and having a bit of hope and the dashing it and starting again.
My family history too, is like a battlefield with alcoholism, littered with dead bodies and the injured.
My father, his father and mother.
Three of his brothers died of alcohol related diseases.
My mothers mother was an alcoholic, her mother too. But strangely my mother cannot tolerate alcohol at all. She has one drink and goes really red in the face (I do too) and then she feels ill and gets a migraine for days, she says it has saved her from a fate worse than death..becoming an alcoholic haha
I have tried everything in the past 17 years. AA, Smart Recovery (both online and face to face meetings). Jack Trimpey and AVRT. I have learnt a lot about addiction from those places. I have had Campral from the doctor...still I drank.
I drank socially until I was 36.
I went out once a week with my friends and drank like they did, and didn't think about alcohol again for the rest of the week.
I suffered quite badly from depression in my 20s..and NEVER drank because of it. Infact in my mid 20s I even gave up my going out once a week because I didnt feel like it, for 2 years, therefore didn't drink at all for 2 years...and I didn't miss it, didn't think twice about not having it.
I had 2 years of psychotheraphy and it got rid of my depression...and Ive never had it since (I get fed up, of course) but not that black clinical depression that used to overtake me.
Then, like I said when I was 36,
something changed, I was living with a heavy drinker and began drinking more and activated something in my body, and Ive been struggling with it ever since.
Take Care lynnmarie
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 494
As me writing down one of my drinking experiences (nightmares, more like) last night worked so well for me today, Im going to continue doing it.
Typing it here, brought it all home to me when I had an urge today. It reinfoced the very puny part of me that whispers "no,no" when the AV strikes, the part of me that seems to be struck with amnesia when it comes to where drinking will lead haha
At the begining of the particular binge I am going to remember tonight, I was visiting my hometown.
My grandson was about to have his first birthday (why I was visiting) and I went into town to buy him a present.
I had had a few vodkas, although I had no intentions of going on a binge
I for some reason, bought some minature vodkas (those that are a double shot) and everytime I wanted to knock one back I went into the changing rooms of whatever shop I was in at the time.
I bought him some cute little boots and a toy and was about to go back to where I was staying. I was looking in a shop window.
Next thing I know I am waking up in a hospital room, alone in a bed with one of those pulse moniters on my finger.
I had no idea what had just happened and how I got there, I was still drunk and there was no one around to ask.
I was fully clothed in the bed except for my shoes and my specs (what is it with me and specs?)
I took the moniter off, found my shoes, walked out of the room...still no one around, found my way out of the hospital and went back to where I was staying, to drink somemore.
Looking back, I must have collapsed in the town centre, someone must have called an ambulance, people must have tended to me...and at the time, I didn't give all this a second thought. I just went about my business as if nothing had happened...and haven't even given it much thought until today. I think I must have repressed all these drunken experiences on some level...or is that what denial is?
Typing it here, brought it all home to me when I had an urge today. It reinfoced the very puny part of me that whispers "no,no" when the AV strikes, the part of me that seems to be struck with amnesia when it comes to where drinking will lead haha
At the begining of the particular binge I am going to remember tonight, I was visiting my hometown.
My grandson was about to have his first birthday (why I was visiting) and I went into town to buy him a present.
I had had a few vodkas, although I had no intentions of going on a binge
I for some reason, bought some minature vodkas (those that are a double shot) and everytime I wanted to knock one back I went into the changing rooms of whatever shop I was in at the time.
I bought him some cute little boots and a toy and was about to go back to where I was staying. I was looking in a shop window.
Next thing I know I am waking up in a hospital room, alone in a bed with one of those pulse moniters on my finger.
I had no idea what had just happened and how I got there, I was still drunk and there was no one around to ask.
I was fully clothed in the bed except for my shoes and my specs (what is it with me and specs?)
I took the moniter off, found my shoes, walked out of the room...still no one around, found my way out of the hospital and went back to where I was staying, to drink somemore.
Looking back, I must have collapsed in the town centre, someone must have called an ambulance, people must have tended to me...and at the time, I didn't give all this a second thought. I just went about my business as if nothing had happened...and haven't even given it much thought until today. I think I must have repressed all these drunken experiences on some level...or is that what denial is?
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 494
Instead of posting here in newcomers (I can't be posting in newcomers for the next forever how long) I am doing a blog, so I can gradually get my head together and keep all the information that helps me all in one place
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 494
Today, Day 4 I haven't managed to get past in quite a while. Since I truely believe nutrition plays a big part in cravings, I have begun my repair stratergy.
I have harvested my broccolli sprouts, blended them into a smoothie and had them for brekkie (I cannot explain how vile they taste). They reduce inflammation in the body, have 50 times the strength of the cancer fighting properties of full grown broccolli and are terribly good for you..like all vile tasting things are..except vodka..
I believe in the concept that alcoholics are alcoholics because they are born with an hereditary "glitch" than means the liver cannot proccess acetaldehyde, a by product that is produced when alcohol is broken down, fast enough, like "normal" drinkers so it builds to dangerous levels in the body, especially the brain. Acetaldehyde produces massive cell membrane inflammation that can persist long after the person stops drinking. So it's important to use foods that reduce inflammation in the cells.
Broccolli sprouts are excellent for this..but vile!
I also took some milk thistle as this is meant to help with liver healing.
Im not going to go "health food crazy" at this point...but Im making a start..because really I will eat any old crap when I am drinking or in WD (thats if I can eat at all)
I have harvested my broccolli sprouts, blended them into a smoothie and had them for brekkie (I cannot explain how vile they taste). They reduce inflammation in the body, have 50 times the strength of the cancer fighting properties of full grown broccolli and are terribly good for you..like all vile tasting things are..except vodka..
I believe in the concept that alcoholics are alcoholics because they are born with an hereditary "glitch" than means the liver cannot proccess acetaldehyde, a by product that is produced when alcohol is broken down, fast enough, like "normal" drinkers so it builds to dangerous levels in the body, especially the brain. Acetaldehyde produces massive cell membrane inflammation that can persist long after the person stops drinking. So it's important to use foods that reduce inflammation in the cells.
Broccolli sprouts are excellent for this..but vile!
I also took some milk thistle as this is meant to help with liver healing.
Im not going to go "health food crazy" at this point...but Im making a start..because really I will eat any old crap when I am drinking or in WD (thats if I can eat at all)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 494
I must stay away from those threads in which people talk about how they are starting to fantasize about drinking. Then describe the fantasy, then other people join in and say what they miss about drinking.
This has tripped me up before on another website. I have trouble enough wrestling with my own AV when it starts, nevermind it getting reinforcement from other peoples haha
I must remember my limitations at this time. And remember what works and doesn't work from other attempts to give up
There..better..
This has tripped me up before on another website. I have trouble enough wrestling with my own AV when it starts, nevermind it getting reinforcement from other peoples haha
I must remember my limitations at this time. And remember what works and doesn't work from other attempts to give up
There..better..
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 494
Neither have I soberwolf, only misery. Thats what I think, drink doesn't equal good times and relaxation, it equals pain, confusion, humiliation and any other negative emotion you can name.
At this stage, I don't want to hear the virtues of drink, it's cost me too much of my life.
On a brighter note, tonight, here ending day 4 I am content and in a happy place.
My grandson is staying over with me (he's 5) and he is the light of my life, he has me in constant giggles, he's the funniest little chap I ever came across.
And tonight I had a little faith restored in human nature, a big lift. He has this toy Yoshi (a dinosaur teddy from the Mario games). I bought him it years ago and he takes it everywhere...sleeps with it, everything.
Tonight while we were out and about on the bus. After we got off, the bus went off service and back to the depot for the night (this was 6pm). After the bus drove away I heard this peircing scream "YOOOSHHHII" yep he's left it on the bus.
So we caught another bus to the bus depot. It was closed for the night apart from a bloke in the control office. I explained about the teddy left on the bus, and he explained that the bus had gone to the wash, no driver had handed anything in, he was in the office alone and couldn't leave it. Anyway, he said, over 70 buses from that company get pulled off the roads at 6pm and they were returned to the compound after the wash.
Then he looked at my grandsons worried face and wringing hands and said at 7.30 when someone else came in the office he would go and look for the toy. He took my address and said if he found it he would ask an inspector who was coming off shift to drop it off on his way home.
8pm knock at the door, bloke standing there saying "does Yoshi bear live here?" haha
What a kind thing to do! Both of those men..I'm sure not many people would be too happy to go out of their way after a hard shift at work to return a childs toy.
My grandson is now fast asleep in bed, tucked up with Yoshi and all is well with the world.
I don't feel like contaminating my mind with bad memories from past drinking tonight, so Im giving my trip down memory (or non memory more like) a miss tonight
At this stage, I don't want to hear the virtues of drink, it's cost me too much of my life.
On a brighter note, tonight, here ending day 4 I am content and in a happy place.
My grandson is staying over with me (he's 5) and he is the light of my life, he has me in constant giggles, he's the funniest little chap I ever came across.
And tonight I had a little faith restored in human nature, a big lift. He has this toy Yoshi (a dinosaur teddy from the Mario games). I bought him it years ago and he takes it everywhere...sleeps with it, everything.
Tonight while we were out and about on the bus. After we got off, the bus went off service and back to the depot for the night (this was 6pm). After the bus drove away I heard this peircing scream "YOOOSHHHII" yep he's left it on the bus.
So we caught another bus to the bus depot. It was closed for the night apart from a bloke in the control office. I explained about the teddy left on the bus, and he explained that the bus had gone to the wash, no driver had handed anything in, he was in the office alone and couldn't leave it. Anyway, he said, over 70 buses from that company get pulled off the roads at 6pm and they were returned to the compound after the wash.
Then he looked at my grandsons worried face and wringing hands and said at 7.30 when someone else came in the office he would go and look for the toy. He took my address and said if he found it he would ask an inspector who was coming off shift to drop it off on his way home.
8pm knock at the door, bloke standing there saying "does Yoshi bear live here?" haha
What a kind thing to do! Both of those men..I'm sure not many people would be too happy to go out of their way after a hard shift at work to return a childs toy.
My grandson is now fast asleep in bed, tucked up with Yoshi and all is well with the world.
I don't feel like contaminating my mind with bad memories from past drinking tonight, so Im giving my trip down memory (or non memory more like) a miss tonight
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: TN, USA
Posts: 239
welcome to the group. sober recovery has helped me through the hardest of times. I'm not big on groups but people are very supportive here. You are NOT alone, just try to always remember that. I am back on "day 1" although heck I've done so many of them that I usually tend to feel like a failure from the get go. don't ever give up. you're in the right direction, try not to lose sight of being able to gain back everything you may feel like you've lost to addiction.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 259
Originally Posted by lein 
Here I am again on day one. I am so sick of myself. Sometimes I wish this drinking would just kill me outright. I've struggled with this for 17 years now and had so many "day ones" but I can never keep it up! I just read "under the influence" and a lot in that book strikes true for me. I never believed before that alcoholism had a physiological basis...but I do now and at least now I can see that I'll never be able to get back to the social drinker I was for years.
Lilly
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,934
Welcome to SR!
I can see that I'll never be able to get back to the social drinker I was for years.
I'm glad you realize that.
The next part is acceptance of that fact. Once you accept it, and stop fighting it, things become easier.
I can see that I'll never be able to get back to the social drinker I was for years.
I'm glad you realize that.
The next part is acceptance of that fact. Once you accept it, and stop fighting it, things become easier.
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
I somehow missed this thread, Lein - I enjoyed reading about your journey so far.
4 days is a great accomplishment - you sound encouraged & filled with hope.
Love the story of Yoshi being recovered.
4 days is a great accomplishment - you sound encouraged & filled with hope.
Love the story of Yoshi being recovered.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,499
Hello Lein. Welcome to SR.
I read Under the Influence in the first week of giving up drinking. It would be in the list of Top 5 books that changed my life, it may be the most important of them all, and I don't really like hyperbole. Like you, I realised after reading it that I'm just different from "normal drinkers". I can't drink like they do, and I never will be able to. Once I realised that, something well and truly seemed to click.
Not one drink, not ever. Can't do it, it will kill me.
I'll be 3 months sober tomorrow. That book helped me immeasurably. It sounds like it's really helped you too!
I read Under the Influence in the first week of giving up drinking. It would be in the list of Top 5 books that changed my life, it may be the most important of them all, and I don't really like hyperbole. Like you, I realised after reading it that I'm just different from "normal drinkers". I can't drink like they do, and I never will be able to. Once I realised that, something well and truly seemed to click.
Not one drink, not ever. Can't do it, it will kill me.
I'll be 3 months sober tomorrow. That book helped me immeasurably. It sounds like it's really helped you too!
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 494
Originally Posted by cornpone
don't ever give up. you're in the right direction, try not to lose sight of being able to gain back everything you may feel like you've lost to addiction.
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