Day 1
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Join Date: Mar 2016
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Day 1
Here I am again on day one. I am so sick of myself. Sometimes I wish this drinking would just kill me outright. I've struggled with this for 17 years now and had so many "day ones" but I can never keep it up! I just read "under the influence" and a lot in that book strikes true for me. I never believed before that alcoholism had a physiological basis...but I do now and at least now I can see that I'll never be able to get back to the social drinker I was for years.
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Will do thanks GN I've mucked up royally this time and in a couple of weeks when what I have done comes to light the sh@t will really hit the fan. I must be the slowest learner in the history of the world... to have not learnt my lesson by now!
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Welcome. I'm a relative newbie myself, who also had a lot of day ones but rarely ever reached day 2. I've found that tackling one day at a time makes a huge difference for me.. Focus on today and just today. Getting to day two will feel awesome. ☺️
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Join us here 24 Hour Recovery Connections Part 114
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Join Date: Mar 2016
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Thanks Dee...I just wrote in the Class March 16 how I think things may have shifted in my attitude after reading "under the influence" Its the only book I have read on alcoholism that strikes true to me.
I have always known there is nothing wrong with me mentally that makes me an alcoholic...so I never really bought into any of the stuff I have read in the past (a lot!) So I reckoned, if I wasn't drinking to self medicate..or I wasn't a moral defective (anymore than the next person)..like a lot of books reckon alcoholics are...then I couldn't be an alcoholic and if I just plugged away..Id get back to being able to drink socially.
As this book is based on scientific evidence..proven evidence..and says the disease is physiologically based..through genes...I now realise, I will NEVER be able to drink like a sane person..Ill always drink like a "mad idjit" everytime I try
I have always known there is nothing wrong with me mentally that makes me an alcoholic...so I never really bought into any of the stuff I have read in the past (a lot!) So I reckoned, if I wasn't drinking to self medicate..or I wasn't a moral defective (anymore than the next person)..like a lot of books reckon alcoholics are...then I couldn't be an alcoholic and if I just plugged away..Id get back to being able to drink socially.
As this book is based on scientific evidence..proven evidence..and says the disease is physiologically based..through genes...I now realise, I will NEVER be able to drink like a sane person..Ill always drink like a "mad idjit" everytime I try
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Day 2
Anyway well and truely day 2 now. Back at this "work placement"..slavery and punishment from the government for DARING to claim back a miniscule amount of the 10s of 1,000s of pounds of taxes I have paid over the years by claiming dole.
I have however, managed to find a stray computer in the offices I have to clean...I start cleaning at 9 and usually Im finished by half 9 cos theres literally nothing to do..but I still have to stay here doing nothing for the rest of the day.
I am having trouble finding a job because before I had to move back to my home town because of an emergency in the family..I was self-employed for 8 years and everyone wants recent work refrences..I could write myself a good one, but I don't think anyone would go for that haha..Anyway it seems the longer you are on the dole, the less anyone wants to employ you.
I could try to go on the sick, pleading alcoholism..but my pride won't let me. I don't want to stand in front of a lot of scabby officials and bear my soul and my medical records! I'd rather starve to death!
Anyway..rambling
I have however, managed to find a stray computer in the offices I have to clean...I start cleaning at 9 and usually Im finished by half 9 cos theres literally nothing to do..but I still have to stay here doing nothing for the rest of the day.
I am having trouble finding a job because before I had to move back to my home town because of an emergency in the family..I was self-employed for 8 years and everyone wants recent work refrences..I could write myself a good one, but I don't think anyone would go for that haha..Anyway it seems the longer you are on the dole, the less anyone wants to employ you.
I could try to go on the sick, pleading alcoholism..but my pride won't let me. I don't want to stand in front of a lot of scabby officials and bear my soul and my medical records! I'd rather starve to death!
Anyway..rambling
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Thanks Sober and Delilah..I really think something has shifted in me. I think it was reading that book I was on about..even though I had to go out and "experiment" to check ha. I think after all these years I have finally ran out of excuses of why I need to drink, ran out of experiments to prove I can drink without nasty concequences, and just accept that I can't do it normally.
It has a really bad affect on my mind, the poisons my body cannot process from drink actually do turn me insane for a while, while they are in my system.
Another thing I like about that book, it means it's not ALL my fault that I got trapped in drink the way I did, and the guilt of that, and how my kids could have had a better mother, always sent me scurrying back to the bottle in the end.
I didn't know what drink was doing to me, couldn't understand why I always went back to it.
Now I know, I believe, I should say that it IS physical. And the only way to stop the madness and the craving is to stop drinking altogether, forever and to set myself up a whole new nutritional plan so my body can heal properly and not crave the poison that has changed by body at a cellular level.
Of course, now I believe this to be true, if I ever did pick up a drink again, it would be ALL my responsibility for doing so, no excuse on earth could justify it.
From what Ive read, the first few months, while I try to repair things physiologically to the point where the cravings won't overwhelm me will be the hardest
It has a really bad affect on my mind, the poisons my body cannot process from drink actually do turn me insane for a while, while they are in my system.
Another thing I like about that book, it means it's not ALL my fault that I got trapped in drink the way I did, and the guilt of that, and how my kids could have had a better mother, always sent me scurrying back to the bottle in the end.
I didn't know what drink was doing to me, couldn't understand why I always went back to it.
Now I know, I believe, I should say that it IS physical. And the only way to stop the madness and the craving is to stop drinking altogether, forever and to set myself up a whole new nutritional plan so my body can heal properly and not crave the poison that has changed by body at a cellular level.
Of course, now I believe this to be true, if I ever did pick up a drink again, it would be ALL my responsibility for doing so, no excuse on earth could justify it.
From what Ive read, the first few months, while I try to repair things physiologically to the point where the cravings won't overwhelm me will be the hardest
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Please excuse my self indulgence, but I'm writing this down for myself, so when the AV launches an attack anytime in the next week, I can come back and read it.
Just came home from picking my grandson up from school and taking him home, we had a grand time, he's a darlin
Anyway, Lein, please remember this (cos you never do) next time the craving for "a few" hit.
One time when I fancied "a few" I lived in London. I had been sober for some weeks, 6 I think. I left my partner at home and said I would be a couple of hours as I wanted to pick some beads up from Covent Garden, for my craftwork.
My partner wouldn't tolerate me drinking, he was some years sober. Somewhere along the line, it being a lovely sunny day I thought I would have "a few"
I drank some vodka, and then loads more, lost control. I vaguely remember being on a train to Clapham Junction...though Ive no idea why as I lived in the opposite direction.
I vaguely remember being in Victoria bus station an the afternoon of that day I think I was trying to get a bus to my original hometown 350 miles from there.
I remember nothing from that afternoon, until waking the next morning, in Victoria bus station, in a toilet cubicle, with a bottle of vodka, and minus my bag and specs, with a policeman banging on the door ordering me to come out.
I think the toilet staff must have called them.
I drank the half bottle of vodka I had in about 5 minutes flat, threw a lot of it back up, came out of the cubicle and the policeman sent me on my way once I proved I wasn't a vagrant.
I staggered off to the nearest pub, couldn't see properly, not only from the drink but from having no glasses, and drank some more.
Then I went into a blackout.
Next it was dark, night time and I was in a phone box calling my partner, somewhere near Soho, then I was sick in the phone box.
Next thing I remember Im some good few miles away in Richmond (must have caught a bus?) And Im trying to find a bus to where I live.
I remember being in another phone box and slumping on the ground. A gay club nearby was closing, and a girl and her partner dragged me out of the phone box and were concerned about me. They asked where I lived, put me on the nightbus and asked the driver to put me off at my stop.
Luckily my partner let me in at home, it took me about 3 days to recover.
I have no idea where the bag (with a lot of my stuff in it) went, or my designer glasses. I could have been robbed..who knows? It's very dangerous around those central areas in London at night if you haven't got your wits about you.
Did it scare me or deter me? Obviously not.
But it's scary now writing it down, I think I just brushed my drunken escapades under the carpet as I can barely remember them...but I MUST remember things like this and the other stuff I'm going to put down BEFORE I decide to have "a few"
Just came home from picking my grandson up from school and taking him home, we had a grand time, he's a darlin
Anyway, Lein, please remember this (cos you never do) next time the craving for "a few" hit.
One time when I fancied "a few" I lived in London. I had been sober for some weeks, 6 I think. I left my partner at home and said I would be a couple of hours as I wanted to pick some beads up from Covent Garden, for my craftwork.
My partner wouldn't tolerate me drinking, he was some years sober. Somewhere along the line, it being a lovely sunny day I thought I would have "a few"
I drank some vodka, and then loads more, lost control. I vaguely remember being on a train to Clapham Junction...though Ive no idea why as I lived in the opposite direction.
I vaguely remember being in Victoria bus station an the afternoon of that day I think I was trying to get a bus to my original hometown 350 miles from there.
I remember nothing from that afternoon, until waking the next morning, in Victoria bus station, in a toilet cubicle, with a bottle of vodka, and minus my bag and specs, with a policeman banging on the door ordering me to come out.
I think the toilet staff must have called them.
I drank the half bottle of vodka I had in about 5 minutes flat, threw a lot of it back up, came out of the cubicle and the policeman sent me on my way once I proved I wasn't a vagrant.
I staggered off to the nearest pub, couldn't see properly, not only from the drink but from having no glasses, and drank some more.
Then I went into a blackout.
Next it was dark, night time and I was in a phone box calling my partner, somewhere near Soho, then I was sick in the phone box.
Next thing I remember Im some good few miles away in Richmond (must have caught a bus?) And Im trying to find a bus to where I live.
I remember being in another phone box and slumping on the ground. A gay club nearby was closing, and a girl and her partner dragged me out of the phone box and were concerned about me. They asked where I lived, put me on the nightbus and asked the driver to put me off at my stop.
Luckily my partner let me in at home, it took me about 3 days to recover.
I have no idea where the bag (with a lot of my stuff in it) went, or my designer glasses. I could have been robbed..who knows? It's very dangerous around those central areas in London at night if you haven't got your wits about you.
Did it scare me or deter me? Obviously not.
But it's scary now writing it down, I think I just brushed my drunken escapades under the carpet as I can barely remember them...but I MUST remember things like this and the other stuff I'm going to put down BEFORE I decide to have "a few"
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,874
Originally Posted by lein 
Please excuse my self indulgence, but I'm writing this down for myself, so when the AV launches an attack anytime in the next week, I can come back and read it.
Just came home from picking my grandson up from school and taking him home, we had a grand time, he's a darlin
Anyway, Lein, please remember this (cos you never do) next time the craving for "a few" hit.
One time when I fancied "a few" I lived in London. I had been sober for some weeks, 6 I think. I left my partner at home and said I would be a couple of hours as I wanted to pick some beads up from Covent Garden, for my craftwork.
My partner wouldn't tolerate me drinking, he was some years sober. Somewhere along the line, it being a lovely sunny day I thought I would have "a few"
I drank some vodka, and then loads more, lost control. I vaguely remember being on a train to Clapham Junction...though Ive no idea why as I lived in the opposite direction.
I vaguely remember being in Victoria bus station an the afternoon of that day I think I was trying to get a bus to my original hometown 350 miles from there.
I remember nothing from that afternoon, until waking the next morning, in Victoria bus station, in a toilet cubicle, with a bottle of vodka, and minus my bag and specs, with a policeman banging on the door ordering me to come out.
I think the toilet staff must have called them.
I drank the half bottle of vodka I had in about 5 minutes flat, threw a lot of it back up, came out of the cubicle and the policeman sent me on my way once I proved I wasn't a vagrant.
I staggered off to the nearest pub, couldn't see properly, not only from the drink but from having no glasses, and drank some more.
Then I went into a blackout.
Next it was dark, night time and I was in a phone box calling my partner, somewhere near Soho, then I was sick in the phone box.
Next thing I remember Im some good few miles away in Richmond (must have caught a bus?) And Im trying to find a bus to where I live.
I remember being in another phone box and slumping on the ground. A gay club nearby was closing, and a girl and her partner dragged me out of the phone box and were concerned about me. They asked where I lived, put me on the nightbus and asked the driver to put me off at my stop.
Luckily my partner let me in at home, it took me about 3 days to recover.
I have no idea where the bag (with a lot of my stuff in it) went, or my designer glasses. I could have been robbed..who knows? It's very dangerous around those central areas in London at night if you haven't got your wits about you.
Did it scare me or deter me? Obviously not.
But it's scary now writing it down, I think I just brushed my drunken escapades under the carpet as I can barely remember them...but I MUST remember things like this and the other stuff I'm going to put down BEFORE I decide to have "a few"
Just came home from picking my grandson up from school and taking him home, we had a grand time, he's a darlin
Anyway, Lein, please remember this (cos you never do) next time the craving for "a few" hit.
One time when I fancied "a few" I lived in London. I had been sober for some weeks, 6 I think. I left my partner at home and said I would be a couple of hours as I wanted to pick some beads up from Covent Garden, for my craftwork.
My partner wouldn't tolerate me drinking, he was some years sober. Somewhere along the line, it being a lovely sunny day I thought I would have "a few"
I drank some vodka, and then loads more, lost control. I vaguely remember being on a train to Clapham Junction...though Ive no idea why as I lived in the opposite direction.
I vaguely remember being in Victoria bus station an the afternoon of that day I think I was trying to get a bus to my original hometown 350 miles from there.
I remember nothing from that afternoon, until waking the next morning, in Victoria bus station, in a toilet cubicle, with a bottle of vodka, and minus my bag and specs, with a policeman banging on the door ordering me to come out.
I think the toilet staff must have called them.
I drank the half bottle of vodka I had in about 5 minutes flat, threw a lot of it back up, came out of the cubicle and the policeman sent me on my way once I proved I wasn't a vagrant.
I staggered off to the nearest pub, couldn't see properly, not only from the drink but from having no glasses, and drank some more.
Then I went into a blackout.
Next it was dark, night time and I was in a phone box calling my partner, somewhere near Soho, then I was sick in the phone box.
Next thing I remember Im some good few miles away in Richmond (must have caught a bus?) And Im trying to find a bus to where I live.
I remember being in another phone box and slumping on the ground. A gay club nearby was closing, and a girl and her partner dragged me out of the phone box and were concerned about me. They asked where I lived, put me on the nightbus and asked the driver to put me off at my stop.
Luckily my partner let me in at home, it took me about 3 days to recover.
I have no idea where the bag (with a lot of my stuff in it) went, or my designer glasses. I could have been robbed..who knows? It's very dangerous around those central areas in London at night if you haven't got your wits about you.
Did it scare me or deter me? Obviously not.
But it's scary now writing it down, I think I just brushed my drunken escapades under the carpet as I can barely remember them...but I MUST remember things like this and the other stuff I'm going to put down BEFORE I decide to have "a few"
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