Day 1
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Here safe and sound..passed the shop with no bother... of course theres a shop two doors away that sells drink and another across the road, but the urge has passed
If one of the managers comes in and finds me on this computer, there will be trouble..but at this point I just don't care. Ill ask them to point out what I could possibly be doing instead..as everything that needed to be done has been done, and I will go insane looking at four grim walls all day.
After doing an ABC on this whole situation last night, I have come to the conclusion, that seething with impotent rage against a corrupt government will do no good, drinking it away will do no good.
The only thing that will do any good is getting a job as fast as I can..by hook or by crook and getting out of this pickle whereby the state has such an obscene amount of control over my life
If one of the managers comes in and finds me on this computer, there will be trouble..but at this point I just don't care. Ill ask them to point out what I could possibly be doing instead..as everything that needed to be done has been done, and I will go insane looking at four grim walls all day.
After doing an ABC on this whole situation last night, I have come to the conclusion, that seething with impotent rage against a corrupt government will do no good, drinking it away will do no good.
The only thing that will do any good is getting a job as fast as I can..by hook or by crook and getting out of this pickle whereby the state has such an obscene amount of control over my life
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Back home and tired.
I have done very well today..go me..go me..
hahahaha
Sorry have to have a little celebration to myself, because I can't tell anyone here about my stopping drinking, because they don't know the extent of it..I am the master of slyness when it comes to drinking now. I have either gotton to my room before anyone has come in from work and stayed there. Or stayed out and come in when everyone has gone to bed.
I have drank at the non work placement because I am alone. And if a manager happened to be there I have brazened it out.
Tomorrow will be a week and I haven't had a week without a drink for over 2 years.
Today has been hard, and I have spent most of it argueing with myself. If I'm not careful I'll end up like the old bloke on the bus when I was a kid who used to have a punch up with himself haha
I have done very well today..go me..go me..
hahahahaSorry have to have a little celebration to myself, because I can't tell anyone here about my stopping drinking, because they don't know the extent of it..I am the master of slyness when it comes to drinking now. I have either gotton to my room before anyone has come in from work and stayed there. Or stayed out and come in when everyone has gone to bed.
I have drank at the non work placement because I am alone. And if a manager happened to be there I have brazened it out.
Tomorrow will be a week and I haven't had a week without a drink for over 2 years.
Today has been hard, and I have spent most of it argueing with myself. If I'm not careful I'll end up like the old bloke on the bus when I was a kid who used to have a punch up with himself haha
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For sure! Neuropathway could be hard to break. I still have wine in the house and cook with it (I imagine a lot of you are screaming NO, get it out of the house! But really, it doesn't bother me, not tempting at all). One day, getting ready to deglaze, I put some red wine in a glass I normally would for drinking. I placed it on the counter next to my water. I went to take a sip of water and reached for the wine glass instead. I didn't touch it, but you should have seen my hand snap back! Wow! Crazy! I stopped using my usual glass that I used for wine. The brain is amazing.
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You should celebrate and be proud! I'm proud of you, that's fantastic! I had a constant monologue with myself, telling myself I could do it and well done when I stayed sober. It does get easier.
It also helps to get to the mindset that alcohol is no longer an option. I cannot drink like my hubby (normie) and I can no longer try. It's done, over and out.
Shut that AV down whenever you hear it. You are in charge here. You have the power.
Stay strong and keep checking in here.
We are with you!
It also helps to get to the mindset that alcohol is no longer an option. I cannot drink like my hubby (normie) and I can no longer try. It's done, over and out.
Shut that AV down whenever you hear it. You are in charge here. You have the power.
Stay strong and keep checking in here.
We are with you!
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Thanks Lynnmarie, I know the more you repeat a new action, the stronger the new neural pathway will become (although the old one never dies, just gets weaker).
This works with thoughts as well as actions. So if your first thought when you are upset, happy, stressed etc is "I'll have a drink" that will have created a neural pathway. So that's why it's peoples first thought in early recovery and they are anywhere from upset to happy!
Aw thanks for your support lynnmarie. Glad you are positive about your recovery, because it's also making a neuropathway,the habit of thinking negatively, or positively.
You put that song in my head now "I got the power!" haha.
I'm glad you said it gets easier. I have accepted now I can't drink (well, I can if I want). I should say I have accepted I don't want to drink..it's too unpleasant.
I recognise the AV loud and clear after reading RR.. AVRT years ago, but because I also kept reading stuff that saidalcoholism was a psychological problem...I was sure I could solve that problem and drink normally again haha
Now I have read exactly how it is a physical problem, that can be aggravated by psychological factors..I know I can't
Take care lynnmarie
This works with thoughts as well as actions. So if your first thought when you are upset, happy, stressed etc is "I'll have a drink" that will have created a neural pathway. So that's why it's peoples first thought in early recovery and they are anywhere from upset to happy!
Aw thanks for your support lynnmarie. Glad you are positive about your recovery, because it's also making a neuropathway,the habit of thinking negatively, or positively.
You put that song in my head now "I got the power!" haha.
I'm glad you said it gets easier. I have accepted now I can't drink (well, I can if I want). I should say I have accepted I don't want to drink..it's too unpleasant.
I recognise the AV loud and clear after reading RR.. AVRT years ago, but because I also kept reading stuff that saidalcoholism was a psychological problem...I was sure I could solve that problem and drink normally again haha
Now I have read exactly how it is a physical problem, that can be aggravated by psychological factors..I know I can't
Take care lynnmarie
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Thanks Hevyn,
If only that shop were the only one! It's just ridiculous in England the sale of drink. In this one street, theres that shop which can sell drink from 8am until 10pm, theres a shop the other end of the street sells drink until 11pm every night, and another a bit futher up from that one. Theres an all night garage about half a mile away that sells drink all night. All those shops mentioned are grocery shops with an off licence attached.
Yesterday I called into a discount shop that sells vitamins, toiletries etc to get my milk thistle and vitamin B tablets...and they were selling discounted wine.
THAT shop though, at the end of the street, that shop is my nemesis haha
If only that shop were the only one! It's just ridiculous in England the sale of drink. In this one street, theres that shop which can sell drink from 8am until 10pm, theres a shop the other end of the street sells drink until 11pm every night, and another a bit futher up from that one. Theres an all night garage about half a mile away that sells drink all night. All those shops mentioned are grocery shops with an off licence attached.
Yesterday I called into a discount shop that sells vitamins, toiletries etc to get my milk thistle and vitamin B tablets...and they were selling discounted wine.
THAT shop though, at the end of the street, that shop is my nemesis haha
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I'm tired, it's midnight and this day has been looong.
But it has been working great for me, writing down past drinking escapades that I haven't wanted to face. It's bringing it home to me exactly how bad my problem was/is.
This one is painful, and I don't really want to go there with it, but I am.
About 9 years ago, my younger son was still living at home, he was 20. He was in an Indie band, played around the pubs in our town (I keep saying town I live in a city haha).
This day, they were playing at a pub in the city centre and the person who was meant to be on the door, taking peoples money for the cover chrge to get in and see them couldn't make it.
My son asked me if I would do it, as he knew I liked Indie music and also knew a lot of people in the city music scene as I used to play in a punk band when I was younger.
What he didn't know, when he asked me at short notice to do it, was that I had been drinking all day. As I said, I'm very good at drinking large amounts and appearing "normal"
I said yes.
So I'm sitting at a table, on the door of the pub. People I knew from years ago, from the punk scene keep buying me drinks..and I keep drinking them. It's about 9pm
One minute I'm at this table, next minute the cell door opens and this policeman drags me out. I'm at the police station and it's 2.30 in the morning.
"Good you've sobered up enough to do your prints and photo" he says leading me down a corridor into a little room to take my fingerprints, photo and swab my mouth for DNA.
I'm still really drunk and I have no idea why I'm there!
I ask him and he says "Drunk and disorderly" Still no inkling of a memory.
I don't have hancuffs on, but I must have had some on at one point, because there are marks on my wrists from them. Also there are holes in the knees of my jeans and scrapes on my knees as if someone has dragged me. The police probably.
He gives me a FPN for £80 and they throw me out of the station. I tell them I don't have my bag, it's got my money in it and I live 4 miles away and its 3 in the morning. They say "Tough, bye" and lock the door.
So I stagger home, two step forwards and one step back, across deserted wasteland and bridges and alsorts of dodgy places.
When I get in, my son is frantic. He says he tried to get into the police station to see me, but they wouldn't let him.
He says that when I was in the pub, I somehow locked myself in the toilet and was too drunk to unlock the door, and the management of the pub had to get someone to take the hinges off the door to get me out.
He says I made a holy show of myself staggering about drunk.
He says I just left the door, people were just walking in without paying.
He says that I staggered out of the pub door, the band were mid-set and he played badly at this important gig because he was too worried about what might happen to me.
He says someone came in later and said they had seen me being arrested and resisting arrest.
He says he was humiliated, hurt, disappointed, didn't know how he was going to face his friends again. It should have been a happy night as this gig was a big deal for the band, but it had turned into the worst night of his life. He sat and cried. My beautiful boy sat and cried with shame and disappointment in me.
I was devestated. I was disgusted with myself. I was eaten up with guilt and remorse. I couldn't stand to be inside myself.
I lasted 9 days off the drink, before I decieded I didn't have a problem and started again.
I feel physically sick thinking about this..even after all this time
But it has been working great for me, writing down past drinking escapades that I haven't wanted to face. It's bringing it home to me exactly how bad my problem was/is.
This one is painful, and I don't really want to go there with it, but I am.
About 9 years ago, my younger son was still living at home, he was 20. He was in an Indie band, played around the pubs in our town (I keep saying town I live in a city haha).
This day, they were playing at a pub in the city centre and the person who was meant to be on the door, taking peoples money for the cover chrge to get in and see them couldn't make it.
My son asked me if I would do it, as he knew I liked Indie music and also knew a lot of people in the city music scene as I used to play in a punk band when I was younger.
What he didn't know, when he asked me at short notice to do it, was that I had been drinking all day. As I said, I'm very good at drinking large amounts and appearing "normal"
I said yes.
So I'm sitting at a table, on the door of the pub. People I knew from years ago, from the punk scene keep buying me drinks..and I keep drinking them. It's about 9pm
One minute I'm at this table, next minute the cell door opens and this policeman drags me out. I'm at the police station and it's 2.30 in the morning.
"Good you've sobered up enough to do your prints and photo" he says leading me down a corridor into a little room to take my fingerprints, photo and swab my mouth for DNA.
I'm still really drunk and I have no idea why I'm there!
I ask him and he says "Drunk and disorderly" Still no inkling of a memory.
I don't have hancuffs on, but I must have had some on at one point, because there are marks on my wrists from them. Also there are holes in the knees of my jeans and scrapes on my knees as if someone has dragged me. The police probably.
He gives me a FPN for £80 and they throw me out of the station. I tell them I don't have my bag, it's got my money in it and I live 4 miles away and its 3 in the morning. They say "Tough, bye" and lock the door.
So I stagger home, two step forwards and one step back, across deserted wasteland and bridges and alsorts of dodgy places.
When I get in, my son is frantic. He says he tried to get into the police station to see me, but they wouldn't let him.
He says that when I was in the pub, I somehow locked myself in the toilet and was too drunk to unlock the door, and the management of the pub had to get someone to take the hinges off the door to get me out.
He says I made a holy show of myself staggering about drunk.
He says I just left the door, people were just walking in without paying.
He says that I staggered out of the pub door, the band were mid-set and he played badly at this important gig because he was too worried about what might happen to me.
He says someone came in later and said they had seen me being arrested and resisting arrest.
He says he was humiliated, hurt, disappointed, didn't know how he was going to face his friends again. It should have been a happy night as this gig was a big deal for the band, but it had turned into the worst night of his life. He sat and cried. My beautiful boy sat and cried with shame and disappointment in me.
I was devestated. I was disgusted with myself. I was eaten up with guilt and remorse. I couldn't stand to be inside myself.
I lasted 9 days off the drink, before I decieded I didn't have a problem and started again.
I feel physically sick thinking about this..even after all this time
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Lein, as I often say - none of us plan to sabotage ourselves. You wouldn't have hurt your son for the world. We always think we'll somehow be in control. I had hundreds of similar times - determined to use willpower to just enjoy myself & not overdo it. Back then, I didn't realize it was already out of my hands as soon as I took the first sip. I finally had to admit I became a different person when it was in my system - the drunk me bears no resemblance to the real me.
I hope it helped relieve some of your anxiety to tell that story from 9 yrs. ago. Please be kind to yourself & don't spend too much time looking in the rear view mirror. You're rising above all that.
I hope it helped relieve some of your anxiety to tell that story from 9 yrs. ago. Please be kind to yourself & don't spend too much time looking in the rear view mirror. You're rising above all that.
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I appreciate what your saying Hevyn, and it does make me feel better.
But I have never before TRUELY believed I have a problem..writing this stuff at the end of everyday, helps me see, helps reinforce in my mind that I DO really have a problem.
I am not beating myself up over it. I have already done that, at the times these things have happened...but then they just sort of got compartalized..I never looked at the big picture...things were just "isolated" instances in my mind. I need to see for myself, the full extent of my drinking and its consequences..to keep me motivated to stop
But I have never before TRUELY believed I have a problem..writing this stuff at the end of everyday, helps me see, helps reinforce in my mind that I DO really have a problem.
I am not beating myself up over it. I have already done that, at the times these things have happened...but then they just sort of got compartalized..I never looked at the big picture...things were just "isolated" instances in my mind. I need to see for myself, the full extent of my drinking and its consequences..to keep me motivated to stop
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Yes, I agree - it helps to remember so we never go there again. But I did too much reliving - I tortured myself with memories & it led me back to drinking a few times. We're all different - I know you'll do what works best for you. I'm really proud of the progress you've made already.
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Thank you 
I have done that before when I have tried to get and stay sober, I fixated on an incident, maybe years ago, and it's lead me back. But this is different. This gets it out of me by putting it in writing..sort of putting it down, like a bag of rubbish. But it also lets me see in black and white, how bad things were and I was still burying my head...and it protects me for tomorrrow, because reliving this while Im writing, is an advanced "playing the tape" haha
I have done that before when I have tried to get and stay sober, I fixated on an incident, maybe years ago, and it's lead me back. But this is different. This gets it out of me by putting it in writing..sort of putting it down, like a bag of rubbish. But it also lets me see in black and white, how bad things were and I was still burying my head...and it protects me for tomorrrow, because reliving this while Im writing, is an advanced "playing the tape" haha
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One week...nah 7 days sounds longer haha
Don't feel the trepadation I felt yesterday. If I got through yesterday, I can get through today. It's taken a long time to acknowledge I have a problem, but I do, a massive one. I have ran out of excuses to drink, and thats all they were, excuses.
Like a note from my mother to the teacher
"Dear Life,
Please excuse Lein from reality today (or the next 4 days) as she has a bad case of escapism"
Seriously though, I have no more excuses, I know I can't drink, I'm not physically capable of processing alcohol without it making me extremely ill, both physically and mentally.
Note to self..Remember this you numpty!
Don't feel the trepadation I felt yesterday. If I got through yesterday, I can get through today. It's taken a long time to acknowledge I have a problem, but I do, a massive one. I have ran out of excuses to drink, and thats all they were, excuses.
Like a note from my mother to the teacher
"Dear Life,
Please excuse Lein from reality today (or the next 4 days) as she has a bad case of escapism"
Seriously though, I have no more excuses, I know I can't drink, I'm not physically capable of processing alcohol without it making me extremely ill, both physically and mentally.
Note to self..Remember this you numpty!
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Yep, one week, 7 days, and so well deserved!
Pop into the 24-hour thread if you have a sec and see your congrats.
I love this thread lein...you are helping a lot of people here. ♥
Pop into the 24-hour thread if you have a sec and see your congrats.
I love this thread lein...you are helping a lot of people here.
♥
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Really venuscat? I will pop in there when I get into my non work programme and find a computer.
I didn't think many people were into this thread, just doodling along here trying to get my head straight haha
venuscat
I didn't think many people were into this thread, just doodling along here trying to get my head straight haha
venuscat
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Ah venuscat..I went in and saw my name in green...thanks so much..Im choked!
Cheers RedAndy
(been dying to use that smilie haha). Thanks for being so kind.
Yoshi? Yoshi has had it in for me from day one. When I say I bought him, thats not strictly true (although I spent plenty of money). I won him in one of those grabby machines in an arcade at the seaside. The ones where if the prizes are good, the metal grabber slowly slides off the prize as it starts to lift haha
No one could win the mario toys. After a few goes, I had a pound left.
The metal grabber thingys slid off again, but a plastic hook on the top of Yoshi got caught around the middle bit of the grabber..and lifted Yoshi to the drop box haha..Once it's over the drop box, the man has to get it out of the machine whether in falls in there or not...total fluke getting that toy, and it's been the bane of my life ever since haha.
And grandson is fine after his trauma of being an irresponsible owner and almost having a near death experience when he lost it thanks haha
Cheers RedAndy
(been dying to use that smilie haha). Thanks for being so kind.Yoshi? Yoshi has had it in for me from day one. When I say I bought him, thats not strictly true (although I spent plenty of money). I won him in one of those grabby machines in an arcade at the seaside. The ones where if the prizes are good, the metal grabber slowly slides off the prize as it starts to lift haha
No one could win the mario toys. After a few goes, I had a pound left.
The metal grabber thingys slid off again, but a plastic hook on the top of Yoshi got caught around the middle bit of the grabber..and lifted Yoshi to the drop box haha..Once it's over the drop box, the man has to get it out of the machine whether in falls in there or not...total fluke getting that toy, and it's been the bane of my life ever since haha.
And grandson is fine after his trauma of being an irresponsible owner and almost having a near death experience when he lost it thanks haha
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