Day 1
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Zebra you said;
I need to accept I can't drink now, not just realise it
I have accepted it...that's the thing that has shifted in me zebra..after reading the biology of it all in that book..it's IMPOSSIBLE for me to drink in any way now. While I was reading that alcoholic drinking was psychological, I reckoned I could still "mind over matter" it...but I can't "mind over matter" the dodgy way my liver processes alcohol as explained by that book haha
I need to accept I can't drink now, not just realise it
I have accepted it...that's the thing that has shifted in me zebra..after reading the biology of it all in that book..it's IMPOSSIBLE for me to drink in any way now. While I was reading that alcoholic drinking was psychological, I reckoned I could still "mind over matter" it...but I can't "mind over matter" the dodgy way my liver processes alcohol as explained by that book haha
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Originally Posted by Hevyn 
you sound encouraged & filled with hope.
Love the story of Yoshi being recovered.
Love the story of Yoshi being recovered.
Yes, Yoshi's adventures are going to be the death of me, so far I've retrieved him from a duck pond (while fighting off seagulls) and from the middle of a thorney bush, now this haha
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Originally Posted by MissPerfumado
Hello Lein. Welcome to SR.
I read Under the Influence in the first week of giving up drinking. It would be in the list of Top 5 books that changed my life, it may be the most important of them all, and I don't really like hyperbole. Like you, I realised after reading it that I'm just different from "normal drinkers". I can't drink like they do, and I never will be able to. Once I realised that, something well and truly seemed to click.
Not one drink, not ever. Can't do it, it will kill me.
I'll be 3 months sober tomorrow. That book helped me immeasurably. It sounds like it's really helped you too!
I read Under the Influence in the first week of giving up drinking. It would be in the list of Top 5 books that changed my life, it may be the most important of them all, and I don't really like hyperbole. Like you, I realised after reading it that I'm just different from "normal drinkers". I can't drink like they do, and I never will be able to. Once I realised that, something well and truly seemed to click.
Not one drink, not ever. Can't do it, it will kill me.
I'll be 3 months sober tomorrow. That book helped me immeasurably. It sounds like it's really helped you too!
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End of day 5
I'm feeling good. But thats because Ive spent the weekend with my family, real test comes tomorrow when I have to go back to the bullying government "work programme"
The place they send me to "clean" is sooo dismal, theres nothing to do and I'm alone all day every day of the week. All for £70 dole?
Because they ..the government demand my time all week long (and even make me do a work search on a Saturday) it means I can't visit my daughter, who works in another town as a mental health nurse. She doesn't bother visiting me now, because she is just left sitting alone all day while I am at this place. I can't afford to go and see her on a weekend, because the train fares are too expensive on a weekend. Even the national express bus is £35 each way...so I can't afford that cos it's a whole weeks money. At least if I had a REAL job, I would be able to visit her now and again cos I would have the money and a couple of days off a week!
Strangely enough, it wasn't the drink that I became jobless because of.
I'll explain that later, it also wasn't the drink that made me homeless and having to move in with my oldest son and his wife.
I can't explain yet how I came to be in the position I am in...it makes me TOOOO angry when I talk about it, or even think about it in depth.
Tomorrow is a danger point for me. In the 3 months they have made me do this "work placement" (ha bloody ha). Every single Monday morning without fail I have picked up a bottle of vodka from the shop on the way there, and steadily drank myself into a stupor for 4 days straight, except for last week, when I stopped on the Tuesday night (hence the 5 days sober). Tomorrow will be the first Monday I don't do this..but Im a bit scared of passing that shop on the way to the bus stop tomorrow morning
I'm feeling good. But thats because Ive spent the weekend with my family, real test comes tomorrow when I have to go back to the bullying government "work programme"
The place they send me to "clean" is sooo dismal, theres nothing to do and I'm alone all day every day of the week. All for £70 dole?
Because they ..the government demand my time all week long (and even make me do a work search on a Saturday) it means I can't visit my daughter, who works in another town as a mental health nurse. She doesn't bother visiting me now, because she is just left sitting alone all day while I am at this place. I can't afford to go and see her on a weekend, because the train fares are too expensive on a weekend. Even the national express bus is £35 each way...so I can't afford that cos it's a whole weeks money. At least if I had a REAL job, I would be able to visit her now and again cos I would have the money and a couple of days off a week!
Strangely enough, it wasn't the drink that I became jobless because of.
I'll explain that later, it also wasn't the drink that made me homeless and having to move in with my oldest son and his wife.
I can't explain yet how I came to be in the position I am in...it makes me TOOOO angry when I talk about it, or even think about it in depth.
Tomorrow is a danger point for me. In the 3 months they have made me do this "work placement" (ha bloody ha). Every single Monday morning without fail I have picked up a bottle of vodka from the shop on the way there, and steadily drank myself into a stupor for 4 days straight, except for last week, when I stopped on the Tuesday night (hence the 5 days sober). Tomorrow will be the first Monday I don't do this..but Im a bit scared of passing that shop on the way to the bus stop tomorrow morning
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On a brighter note, today continued with my "try to help repair" job.
Had the broccolli sprouts
had the milk thistle, had the B vitamins, had the cod liver oil, had the garlic, had the chia seeds.
Ate quite healthily.
I'm going to do an ABC on how I feel so much anger and resentment about going there tomorrow later...something I picked up courtesy of Smart recovery and a REBT tool. One bad thing about keep going in and out recovery is the discouragement you feel everytime you go back to drinking. But a good thing is everytime you attempt to stop and learn something about addiction, and different help that is offered, it adds more weapons to your armoury..and I find CBT which REBT and Smart is based on has lots of things I can use.
Also I must remember once I start drinking, I don't know when or how it will stop. I don't know how it will end up (just not good, that I know!)
For my trip down memory lane now, I only have to remember last Monday. I picked up some vodka on my way to the non-work placement. As I am alone, I was smashed by dinnertime. In the afternoon I had to do an enforced jobsearch..have to every Monday afternoon. I got halfway through it, thought "fook this" and left.
I drank all day and night Monday, hid in my room all night out of the way of my son and his wife (classy). Drank all day Tuesday, even though I knew one of the managers were dropping in to check up on me. Popped a menthol cough sweet in my mouth just before talking to her..because that is REALLY going to cover up the smell of constant vodka drinking!
Now, am going to be sanctioned when they find out I didn't do jobsearch last Monday and I will have to work all week for £58 a fortnight for a month. After that, I only have to go back to "day one" of this thread here to see how ill and down I felt afterwards
Had the broccolli sprouts
had the milk thistle, had the B vitamins, had the cod liver oil, had the garlic, had the chia seeds.Ate quite healthily.
I'm going to do an ABC on how I feel so much anger and resentment about going there tomorrow later...something I picked up courtesy of Smart recovery and a REBT tool. One bad thing about keep going in and out recovery is the discouragement you feel everytime you go back to drinking. But a good thing is everytime you attempt to stop and learn something about addiction, and different help that is offered, it adds more weapons to your armoury..and I find CBT which REBT and Smart is based on has lots of things I can use.
Also I must remember once I start drinking, I don't know when or how it will stop. I don't know how it will end up (just not good, that I know!)
For my trip down memory lane now, I only have to remember last Monday. I picked up some vodka on my way to the non-work placement. As I am alone, I was smashed by dinnertime. In the afternoon I had to do an enforced jobsearch..have to every Monday afternoon. I got halfway through it, thought "fook this" and left.
I drank all day and night Monday, hid in my room all night out of the way of my son and his wife (classy). Drank all day Tuesday, even though I knew one of the managers were dropping in to check up on me. Popped a menthol cough sweet in my mouth just before talking to her..because that is REALLY going to cover up the smell of constant vodka drinking!
Now, am going to be sanctioned when they find out I didn't do jobsearch last Monday and I will have to work all week for £58 a fortnight for a month. After that, I only have to go back to "day one" of this thread here to see how ill and down I felt afterwards
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Note to self ...also I must remember, even though Im not drinking now, my body is still in addiction, Just like that little fat man in that Bugs Bunny cartoon shouting "Bring me hasenfeffer" ... mine is sending signals to my brain shouting "Bring me vodka" haha
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Leon - I'm been on ESA for the last month, don't think I could stand to be on JSA and all that comes with it. My GP is happy to sign me off all the time I'm actively working with an alcohol group. It means I don't have to stress out for 12 weeks until I have my ESA medical. It's prob to early for me to look at paid work but I would hope once 8 - 12 weeks sober I can start looking again. Mind you as its only a week tomorrow that is a long way off.
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"but nutrition is a bit of an obsession of mine"
Me too! I've always classified myself as a health conscious drunk. What an oxymoron! I've known all along that drinking was destroying my body, but instead of quitting, I just compensated as best I could.
My diet was (is) excellent when I quit and I do believe it has helped with the cravings. I wonder how much influence our cravings for nutrition is interpreted as craving for alcohol.
I've tried quitting more times than I can count and this time was the easiest by far and I'm thanking my diet for it.
Keep up with your food regime. It can only help!
Me too! I've always classified myself as a health conscious drunk. What an oxymoron! I've known all along that drinking was destroying my body, but instead of quitting, I just compensated as best I could.
My diet was (is) excellent when I quit and I do believe it has helped with the cravings. I wonder how much influence our cravings for nutrition is interpreted as craving for alcohol.
I've tried quitting more times than I can count and this time was the easiest by far and I'm thanking my diet for it.
Keep up with your food regime. It can only help!
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Jtmlk..My doctor won't sign me off, he's a "use a bit of willpower, work will do you good" type of idiot. Yes, work would do me good, but being harrassed by the dole and being isolated by myself all week with nothing to do is making things a thousand times worse.
I appreciate what you are saying, and thank you for taking the time but I cannot get through to that doctor, that work is not so easy to come by in my circumstances and the threat of being santioned all the time is frightening.
He knows I have an alcohol problem..A&E have sent enough letters when I have had to go there when Ive been in withdrawals.
I may have another go at him.
I just need some breathing space from the hounds haha..If I were left to my own devices I could probably find work within 13 weeks ..without them bloody hampering me.
BTW well done on a week tomorrow
I appreciate what you are saying, and thank you for taking the time but I cannot get through to that doctor, that work is not so easy to come by in my circumstances and the threat of being santioned all the time is frightening.
He knows I have an alcohol problem..A&E have sent enough letters when I have had to go there when Ive been in withdrawals.
I may have another go at him.
I just need some breathing space from the hounds haha..If I were left to my own devices I could probably find work within 13 weeks ..without them bloody hampering me.
BTW well done on a week tomorrow
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Originally Posted by lynnmarie123
"but nutrition is a bit of an obsession of mine"
Me too! I've always classified myself as a health conscious drunk. What an oxymoron! I've known all along that drinking was destroying my body, but instead of quitting, I just compensated as best I could.
My diet was (is) excellent when I quit and I do believe it has helped with the cravings. I wonder how much influence our cravings for nutrition is interpreted as craving for alcohol.
I've tried quitting more times than I can count and this time was the easiest by far and I'm thanking my diet for it.
Keep up with your food regime. It can only help!
Me too! I've always classified myself as a health conscious drunk. What an oxymoron! I've known all along that drinking was destroying my body, but instead of quitting, I just compensated as best I could.
My diet was (is) excellent when I quit and I do believe it has helped with the cravings. I wonder how much influence our cravings for nutrition is interpreted as craving for alcohol.
I've tried quitting more times than I can count and this time was the easiest by far and I'm thanking my diet for it.
Keep up with your food regime. It can only help!
Believe or not, last summer, while still drinking (although not on benders as bad as Ive been on since October)..I cut out all proccessed food, only ate fresh healthy stuff. Although I suffered some uncomfortable affects from cutting out all the sugar, fat and salt from the proccessed foods . I went for a blood test at the doctors, and as I say although I was still drinking heavily, after 2 months, my liver function had improved, my kidney function was excellent, my blood pressure had gone down. Imagine how healthy I could have been if I hadn't been drinking haha
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5 days - be proud of yourself, Lein.
I smiled at the 'vodka, cough drop' thing. I was working when I finally tanked drinking vodka all day. I was sure no one was on to me - after all, I wore plenty of perfume, used eye drops, and the mints were sure to mask the alcohol.
Even if they had, my behavior was a dead giveaway. I fooled no one. I'm so glad those days are over.
I smiled at the 'vodka, cough drop' thing. I was working when I finally tanked drinking vodka all day. I was sure no one was on to me - after all, I wore plenty of perfume, used eye drops, and the mints were sure to mask the alcohol.
Even if they had, my behavior was a dead giveaway. I fooled no one. I'm so glad those days are over.
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Thanks Hevyn, 5 days is pretty much a big deal for me these days 
Yeah, miracle mints...so strong they mask the stench of vodka haha I used to choke myself with the amount of perfume I wore too haha
I could drink a hell of a lot without appearing drunk to the untrained eye..I don't know if thats a good thing or a bad thing haha
But people who know me too well know even when Ive had a bit, even when I don't even appear tipsy..apparently I get a bit of a droop on one eyelid, and my voice gets a pitch higher.
Yeah, miracle mints...so strong they mask the stench of vodka haha I used to choke myself with the amount of perfume I wore too haha
I could drink a hell of a lot without appearing drunk to the untrained eye..I don't know if thats a good thing or a bad thing haha
But people who know me too well know even when Ive had a bit, even when I don't even appear tipsy..apparently I get a bit of a droop on one eyelid, and my voice gets a pitch higher.
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Originally Posted by lein
lynnmarie..yes, it's mad isn't it? Health freak about what we eat on the one hand, pouring poison down our neck on the other haha. I think you could be right about the cravings for nutrition being mistaken for alcohol cravings. And about the compensating for the destruction we do with alcohol.
Believe or not, last summer, while still drinking (although not on benders as bad as Ive been on since October)..I cut out all proccessed food, only ate fresh healthy stuff. Although I suffered some uncomfortable affects from cutting out all the sugar, fat and salt from the proccessed foods . I went for a blood test at the doctors, and as I say although I was still drinking heavily, after 2 months, my liver function had improved, my kidney function was excellent, my blood pressure had gone down. Imagine how healthy I could have been if I hadn't been drinking haha
Believe or not, last summer, while still drinking (although not on benders as bad as Ive been on since October)..I cut out all proccessed food, only ate fresh healthy stuff. Although I suffered some uncomfortable affects from cutting out all the sugar, fat and salt from the proccessed foods . I went for a blood test at the doctors, and as I say although I was still drinking heavily, after 2 months, my liver function had improved, my kidney function was excellent, my blood pressure had gone down. Imagine how healthy I could have been if I hadn't been drinking haha
I, too, did amazing things with food while still drinking! Over the last 3 years, just by changing my diet, I've lost 50 pounds and have reversed diabetes, arthritis and high blood pressure. I was even having fibromyalgia symptoms. But there was always that last hurdle...to quit drinking. And now that I've done that...wow! Morning shakes are gone and menopausal hot flashes (daytime, still do the nighttime ones) are gone. I've lost 14 pounds in the 4+ months I've been sober and my diet has improved even more. I wouldn't trade this feeling for anything and I wish I had quit sooner. Almost half my life drinking...what a waste.
Working on your sobriety every day helps. Something I didn't do in past attempts.
I spend a lot of time here and am starting to make a gratitude list.
Every night as my sober head hits the pillow, I give thanks for the warm bed, the roof over my head, etc and every night the list seems to grow and then I fall asleep. I always wake up with a smile.
I hope you find what works for you.
This place is a great start!
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Yes, you just remined me lynnmarie..I have hot flushes with the menopause and they all but disappeared when I was on the health kick (if I can call it that while still drinking haha) unfortunately as my drinking got heavier and heavier I gave up all my good habits. Yes, Ive wasted a good deal of my life drinking as well..even worse, a good deal of my daughters childhood too (my sons were older).
You have done some amazing things health wise with your diet..we'll have to share some tips. I know giving up drinking for good and forever is a must, because however you look at it, no improvement in health can work long term without doing that first.
I will stick around this site, it seems an easy going place
That book Im so enthralled with "Under the Influence" reckons nutrition is the cornerstone to healing and getting rid of cravings..so Im going to make it my new obsession to find out eveything I can about nutrition and recovery..Ill be like a mad idijit researching
You have done some amazing things health wise with your diet..we'll have to share some tips. I know giving up drinking for good and forever is a must, because however you look at it, no improvement in health can work long term without doing that first.
I will stick around this site, it seems an easy going place
That book Im so enthralled with "Under the Influence" reckons nutrition is the cornerstone to healing and getting rid of cravings..so Im going to make it my new obsession to find out eveything I can about nutrition and recovery..Ill be like a mad idijit researching
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Go to the Forums page, scroll all the way down to Special-interests groups. First one is health and nutrition. I just found out about it today and I'm going to check it out now. So much to read on this site!
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Day 6
Gulp, going to have to leave soon, and walk past that shop at the end of the street to get the bus to non-work. Bleedin hell, you'd think I was going to pass through a wall of fire with a nylon dress on the way I feel haha
I'm not worried that I'll suddenly lose control and rush in, buy a bottle of vodka and start chugging it in the shop..I'm scared that by the time I get to the end of the street, I will have persuaded myself, with some crazy notion, why it's a good idea for me to have "a couple" just to "take the edge off" that dismal place I have to spend the day in.
I have learnt from Smart, that the AV is an excellent sales person. After all, in the past, it's persuaded me to drink poison for years, even though that poison has wreaked havoc in my life and my body and mind.
I can't go into battle with it unarmed, it's powerful at this point, my own body is still against me this early in recovery, the lizard brain, where the urges come from still thinks that my body needs the alcohol. The urge for alcohol has somehow gotton mixed up with the survival urges in this primitive part of my brain.
Because my bodies cells, hormones and chemical impulses have adapted to having alcohol there, my poor lizard brain/survival instinct, thinks there is something important missing, and is trying to get me to give it to myself.
So now, the rational part of my brain must step in and say "You are mistaken, lizard brain, I'm sorry I mucked myself up with chemicals and have you all confused, but I don't need alcohol in my system.
Plus the lizard brain is the pleasure centre, it's also it's job to reduce or eliminate discomfort at all costs, immediately and be damned with the consequences, it can't think the consequences through. Thats my neo-cortex's job.
So using my neo-cortex..I say.."Lizard brain, calm your passion, my body is in no danger because alcohol is missing...it's not an essential chemical for me to have, even though it looks like it is to you, because all my systems have adapted to having it there"
I have two Smart tools to take with me today (better make sure I remember to put them in my bag haha)
"Play the tape" and "Stop thought" I find stop thought very easy, because I am very easily distracted and often stop a thought when I don't even mean to and then can't remember what it was haha
Onwards and Upwards!
Gulp, going to have to leave soon, and walk past that shop at the end of the street to get the bus to non-work. Bleedin hell, you'd think I was going to pass through a wall of fire with a nylon dress on the way I feel haha
I'm not worried that I'll suddenly lose control and rush in, buy a bottle of vodka and start chugging it in the shop..I'm scared that by the time I get to the end of the street, I will have persuaded myself, with some crazy notion, why it's a good idea for me to have "a couple" just to "take the edge off" that dismal place I have to spend the day in.
I have learnt from Smart, that the AV is an excellent sales person. After all, in the past, it's persuaded me to drink poison for years, even though that poison has wreaked havoc in my life and my body and mind.
I can't go into battle with it unarmed, it's powerful at this point, my own body is still against me this early in recovery, the lizard brain, where the urges come from still thinks that my body needs the alcohol. The urge for alcohol has somehow gotton mixed up with the survival urges in this primitive part of my brain.
Because my bodies cells, hormones and chemical impulses have adapted to having alcohol there, my poor lizard brain/survival instinct, thinks there is something important missing, and is trying to get me to give it to myself.
So now, the rational part of my brain must step in and say "You are mistaken, lizard brain, I'm sorry I mucked myself up with chemicals and have you all confused, but I don't need alcohol in my system.
Plus the lizard brain is the pleasure centre, it's also it's job to reduce or eliminate discomfort at all costs, immediately and be damned with the consequences, it can't think the consequences through. Thats my neo-cortex's job.
So using my neo-cortex..I say.."Lizard brain, calm your passion, my body is in no danger because alcohol is missing...it's not an essential chemical for me to have, even though it looks like it is to you, because all my systems have adapted to having it there"
I have two Smart tools to take with me today (better make sure I remember to put them in my bag haha)
"Play the tape" and "Stop thought" I find stop thought very easy, because I am very easily distracted and often stop a thought when I don't even mean to and then can't remember what it was haha
Onwards and Upwards!
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Oh, plus it's a habit, never underestimate the psychical changes in the brain a habit makes. If you do something repeatedly a new neuropathway forms in the brain, that you will go to by default.
Like when you have your teabags in a certain cupboard in the kitchen, and you change which one they are in. Even though you know you have changed it, for days, when making a cuppa, you will automatically, without thinking keep going into the old place you kept them.
For 3 months now I have been buying vodka on a Monday morning when I pass that shop...well enough time for a neuropathway to form. It will weaken in time, if I stop repeating it, but it will never be totally gone. I would guess that is why, when you learn a skill and then don't use it for years, you can easily pick it back up again when you begin doing it again.
The body and brain are amazing mechanisms, I think.
Like when you have your teabags in a certain cupboard in the kitchen, and you change which one they are in. Even though you know you have changed it, for days, when making a cuppa, you will automatically, without thinking keep going into the old place you kept them.
For 3 months now I have been buying vodka on a Monday morning when I pass that shop...well enough time for a neuropathway to form. It will weaken in time, if I stop repeating it, but it will never be totally gone. I would guess that is why, when you learn a skill and then don't use it for years, you can easily pick it back up again when you begin doing it again.
The body and brain are amazing mechanisms, I think.
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