I finally found a great psychiatrist
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I wanted to edit to add but it was to late: What I said above about my ex was in no way to imply that he "owes" me for anything. Just to explain that because of his own feelings about the situation I know he will forever feel grateful to me (even if he doesn't need to, it was my pleasure to be there for him, at the time I loved him deeply) and want to help me whenever he can. That, as well as the fact that I am the mother of his children. I think in general fathers want to ensure the mothers of their children are healthy and stable, but particularly in Italian culture the mother is revered and protected.
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I think you ARE "acting like an adult" in not confronting your boyfriend right away. You need time to process both what you went through and the really hard fact that he bailed out on you.
Your first situation was not something you would ever choose to happen and would have done anything to prevent, if you could. In contrast, your boyfriend chose to walk out even though the situation involved both of you...and worse, IMO, is now trying to pretend that it doesn't matter. That's a lot to work through.
Please don't let anyone convince you that your emotions regarding this terribly difficult time aren't valid. As for calling emergency services...there are people who call 911 when their fast food order is wrong. THAT'S "acting out."
Sending a hug.
Your first situation was not something you would ever choose to happen and would have done anything to prevent, if you could. In contrast, your boyfriend chose to walk out even though the situation involved both of you...and worse, IMO, is now trying to pretend that it doesn't matter. That's a lot to work through.
Please don't let anyone convince you that your emotions regarding this terribly difficult time aren't valid. As for calling emergency services...there are people who call 911 when their fast food order is wrong. THAT'S "acting out."
Sending a hug.
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Thank Ariesagain, your words are much appreciated.
I know that I was within the realm of acceptable in calling for an ambulance. I did have an issue. But I think I could have either had someone driven me there or had waited until the next morning and seen my doctor at my regularly scheduled appointment. I just wanted, in that moment, to be deemed as "crazy" and locked away.
I got to thinking about this today on my walk. And excuse me because I am about to go off on a tangent. As a side note I realize I am stretching the bounds of this forum with this thread, if the mods see fit they can close it or move it to the mental health section.
In any case, I got to thinking about when I worked as a case worked at a group home for mentally ill adults. It was a place where people came after just being released from the psychiatric hospital in order to help them reintegrate into the community. We had eight apartments with a large common area. All of our clients were suffering from schizophrenia. I remember two clients in particular. One, I'll call ABC, had had a good life and was in his second year at one of the top universities in the country when he one day heard a voice which told him to chop his head off. So he went into his fraternity house, took a sword off the wall and tried. He nearly accomplished it too, I had to hook up a feeding tube into a port in his stomach to feed him every night. He was a great guy, just a really funny, nice man. He had a quick wit and a dry sense of humor and was very intelligent. He regularly heard voices and had various delusions but he was right there, clawing at the edge. Sometimes he would say to me "I f*cking hate this, I hate it. I hate having this disease, I heat being fed like this, I hate the electroconvulsive therapy, I hate being CRAZY!" and I would get a lump in my throat the size of texas. He would have lucid moments and myself and the psychiatrist and house manager would all meet and say "ABC, you have a right to say no here, if you do not want to have the electroconvulsive therapy you can talk to the doctor and tell them that. The doctor thinks this is best for you, but you can say no" But every time I took him to his appointment we'd talk about it in the car and I'd remind him he should bring up his concerns with the doctor and in the end he'd just say "screw it, whatever" and go through with it.
On the other hand I had another client who was much, much deeper into his illness. He heard voices and had various delusions. Every single night when I left for the evening she'd be sitting by the front door, a paper grocery bag with all his belongings beside him and he'd say to me "please, if you see a white limousine in the parking lot please come and get me" He waited night after night for his fiancee Chelsea Clinton to come with the president to pick him up. Night after night after night. One night, when I had the overnight shift, I went to go lock the doors and make sure everyone was in their apartments. I walked him to his room/apartment and sat him down and asked him "XYZ, do you feel sad? Are you sad that Chelsea never comes? You wait for her each night but she never comes, do you ever feel sad or angry?" and he just laughed and laughed and tears, I think of joy, streamed down his face and he began to recite 1st Corinthians the "love is patient, love is kind, love will wait forever" and basically told me that no, it did not matter that she never showed, he knew she was coming and that is all that mattered.
I felt ok for him after that, my pain was less. He was happy and cheerful in his day to day life, even if his day to day life was not real. On the other hand AC suffered day in and day out because at some level he was aware of his illness and couldn't do much about it.
I think that on Tuesday, when I called the ambulance I was hoping I would slip off into the deep end. I was hoping that my slow descent into craziness would be complete, that I would finally, once and for all, definitively, lose my mind. I felt like if I could just let go and go there I'd never have to worry again.
But something holds me back. I am hanging on for dear life. I need to get better for me, for my kids, for everyone around me. I still have the power to do so and I'll keep trying. I got close on Tuesday to just letting go, but something stopped me.
I know that I was within the realm of acceptable in calling for an ambulance. I did have an issue. But I think I could have either had someone driven me there or had waited until the next morning and seen my doctor at my regularly scheduled appointment. I just wanted, in that moment, to be deemed as "crazy" and locked away.
I got to thinking about this today on my walk. And excuse me because I am about to go off on a tangent. As a side note I realize I am stretching the bounds of this forum with this thread, if the mods see fit they can close it or move it to the mental health section.
In any case, I got to thinking about when I worked as a case worked at a group home for mentally ill adults. It was a place where people came after just being released from the psychiatric hospital in order to help them reintegrate into the community. We had eight apartments with a large common area. All of our clients were suffering from schizophrenia. I remember two clients in particular. One, I'll call ABC, had had a good life and was in his second year at one of the top universities in the country when he one day heard a voice which told him to chop his head off. So he went into his fraternity house, took a sword off the wall and tried. He nearly accomplished it too, I had to hook up a feeding tube into a port in his stomach to feed him every night. He was a great guy, just a really funny, nice man. He had a quick wit and a dry sense of humor and was very intelligent. He regularly heard voices and had various delusions but he was right there, clawing at the edge. Sometimes he would say to me "I f*cking hate this, I hate it. I hate having this disease, I heat being fed like this, I hate the electroconvulsive therapy, I hate being CRAZY!" and I would get a lump in my throat the size of texas. He would have lucid moments and myself and the psychiatrist and house manager would all meet and say "ABC, you have a right to say no here, if you do not want to have the electroconvulsive therapy you can talk to the doctor and tell them that. The doctor thinks this is best for you, but you can say no" But every time I took him to his appointment we'd talk about it in the car and I'd remind him he should bring up his concerns with the doctor and in the end he'd just say "screw it, whatever" and go through with it.
On the other hand I had another client who was much, much deeper into his illness. He heard voices and had various delusions. Every single night when I left for the evening she'd be sitting by the front door, a paper grocery bag with all his belongings beside him and he'd say to me "please, if you see a white limousine in the parking lot please come and get me" He waited night after night for his fiancee Chelsea Clinton to come with the president to pick him up. Night after night after night. One night, when I had the overnight shift, I went to go lock the doors and make sure everyone was in their apartments. I walked him to his room/apartment and sat him down and asked him "XYZ, do you feel sad? Are you sad that Chelsea never comes? You wait for her each night but she never comes, do you ever feel sad or angry?" and he just laughed and laughed and tears, I think of joy, streamed down his face and he began to recite 1st Corinthians the "love is patient, love is kind, love will wait forever" and basically told me that no, it did not matter that she never showed, he knew she was coming and that is all that mattered.
I felt ok for him after that, my pain was less. He was happy and cheerful in his day to day life, even if his day to day life was not real. On the other hand AC suffered day in and day out because at some level he was aware of his illness and couldn't do much about it.
I think that on Tuesday, when I called the ambulance I was hoping I would slip off into the deep end. I was hoping that my slow descent into craziness would be complete, that I would finally, once and for all, definitively, lose my mind. I felt like if I could just let go and go there I'd never have to worry again.
But something holds me back. I am hanging on for dear life. I need to get better for me, for my kids, for everyone around me. I still have the power to do so and I'll keep trying. I got close on Tuesday to just letting go, but something stopped me.
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That was an awesome post and you are so awesome, Mera.
I completely understand the pain of being aware of your crazy/limitations/shortcomings/insecurities/demons/whathaveyou.
I am often jealous of those who are lazy and completely unaware of their terrible work ethic, the blasé, lah dee dah 'happiness' of the ignorant.
That might be me being judgmental, they might be thinking about me that it must be nice for me to make more money than them. Not knowing how hard I work for it.
But that's different than the mental stuff you're talking about. It's kind of like drinking, I was often surprised and disappointed when I woke up sometimes. I often tried to drink enough to take the decision out of rehab out of my hands and have it 'forced' upon me. I dreamt for the luxury of a good, long rest with meals made for me and someone pointing a flashlight into my brain and habits so I could get better.
Adulting is really really hard, Mera. I just wanted to say you're not alone.
I completely understand the pain of being aware of your crazy/limitations/shortcomings/insecurities/demons/whathaveyou.
I am often jealous of those who are lazy and completely unaware of their terrible work ethic, the blasé, lah dee dah 'happiness' of the ignorant.
That might be me being judgmental, they might be thinking about me that it must be nice for me to make more money than them. Not knowing how hard I work for it.
But that's different than the mental stuff you're talking about. It's kind of like drinking, I was often surprised and disappointed when I woke up sometimes. I often tried to drink enough to take the decision out of rehab out of my hands and have it 'forced' upon me. I dreamt for the luxury of a good, long rest with meals made for me and someone pointing a flashlight into my brain and habits so I could get better.
Adulting is really really hard, Mera. I just wanted to say you're not alone.
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Melina, yes, yes thank you. It feels so good to be understood. I too have felt that way not just with my mental health which I don't feel I am totally on the brink- but more so with my drinking. I have often drank with the sole purpose of having my excessive drinking being noticed can't you see I need help??? But the buck stops with me. I have to stop. No one is going to care as much as I do. Even if there is a certain comfort in sliding off the cliff into the relentless descent into madness, there is something that keeps me, you, all of us fighting, back. I don't want to go there. I really do not. It is hard though.
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You are so right KissMyTiara, I don't feel healthy right now. My kids, for the past ten days or so have spent the night with their father. I have seen them regularly, picking them up from school or going early in the morning to take them to school, but aside from the hours we have spent after school they have been with their father. Yesterday I picked them up mid day and at lunchtime they left with their grandparents to go skiing. They were both very excited about that and I participated (soberly) in their departure. But I am worried about the effect my behavior has on them. On one hand it is good for me to protect them and have them stay far away from me, on the other, they need their mother. It is difficult and I assure you I suffer enormously over these decisions.
Edited to add: they will be in Switzerland with their grandparents for 10 days.
Edited to add: they will be in Switzerland with their grandparents for 10 days.
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Originally Posted by Meraviglioso 
Melina, yes, yes thank you. It feels so good to be understood. I too have felt that way not just with my mental health which I don't feel I am totally on the brink- but more so with my drinking. I have often drank with the sole purpose of having my excessive drinking being noticed can't you see I need help??? But the buck stops with me. I have to stop. No one is going to care as much as I do. Even if there is a certain comfort in sliding off the cliff into the relentless descent into madness, there is something that keeps me, you, all of us fighting, back. I don't want to go there. I really do not. It is hard though.
It's big girl stuff. We can do it. xoxo
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Your post about flirting with finally losing it is dead on. Very well written. I was there for a long time. And I did drink myself over the edge, for about a month I was, I think, insane from it, and the troops were called in and treatment was sought and all of that. I'd been in so much pain for so long that even though consciously I was trying to hide it still, subconsciously I think part of me realized that I had to take it to the point of no return so that someone else would do something. Or something. I'd stopped caring what happened, maybe.
It worked, I guess, in that I got the intervention I needed and I'm sober now. But I never had the feeling of release that I think I thought would happen. I didn't know what day or week it was, I couldn't care for myself, but I never completely lost my sense that I was off track and needed to fix things.
It worked, I guess, in that I got the intervention I needed and I'm sober now. But I never had the feeling of release that I think I thought would happen. I didn't know what day or week it was, I couldn't care for myself, but I never completely lost my sense that I was off track and needed to fix things.
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Thanks fantail, it feels good to hear that someone can relate. I appreciate your words. I was sort of hoping that this thread would slip off into oblivion. I get into these moods you know, just this bad place of self pity and self loathing and I write and write these morose posts that irritate the sh*t out of me when I read them back, but then they're there and I have to own up to that.
I just don't have anyone here. I had my boyfriend but we don't live together and very much live our own lives. I have my ex, but I am doing my best to be independent from him, for myself but also for him, he is moving on with his life which is fantastic and I am genuinely happy for him. I shouldn't be this big weight for him. I've definitely put in the effort to make friends, but at this point I come with so much baggage I'm just a pretty annoying person to be around anyway. I've got plenty of acquaintances but no one I can lean on. I've got my friends back in the US but with the time difference and the space difference it is difficult to go really deep. I stay in touch and I do share with my best friend things that are happening and she is a great support, but sometimes it is so exhausting to try and recap everything. I mostly get joy from listening to her talk and feeling connected. I have spoken to my mother. I do my best to protect her as I know she worries about me being so far away. There is not so much she can do really. So I try to stay strong when I speak to her.
So I come here and type and type and type and try to connect.
I'm feeling a bit brighter today. I saw my boyfriend this weekend and feel good about how I handled it, how I explained my feelings and the boundaries I set. I'm set on giving this everything I've got. I am taking my medications, eating well, exercising and staying sober. I'm hanging on for dear life to the hope that this doctor can help me. The desperation is exhausting though, you know?
I just don't have anyone here. I had my boyfriend but we don't live together and very much live our own lives. I have my ex, but I am doing my best to be independent from him, for myself but also for him, he is moving on with his life which is fantastic and I am genuinely happy for him. I shouldn't be this big weight for him. I've definitely put in the effort to make friends, but at this point I come with so much baggage I'm just a pretty annoying person to be around anyway. I've got plenty of acquaintances but no one I can lean on. I've got my friends back in the US but with the time difference and the space difference it is difficult to go really deep. I stay in touch and I do share with my best friend things that are happening and she is a great support, but sometimes it is so exhausting to try and recap everything. I mostly get joy from listening to her talk and feeling connected. I have spoken to my mother. I do my best to protect her as I know she worries about me being so far away. There is not so much she can do really. So I try to stay strong when I speak to her.
So I come here and type and type and type and try to connect.
I'm feeling a bit brighter today. I saw my boyfriend this weekend and feel good about how I handled it, how I explained my feelings and the boundaries I set. I'm set on giving this everything I've got. I am taking my medications, eating well, exercising and staying sober. I'm hanging on for dear life to the hope that this doctor can help me. The desperation is exhausting though, you know?
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Don't get irritated at your threads, Mera, they will continue to help ppl for a long time.
When I look back on posts about how I knew everything about not drinking, just to drink again, CRINGE. Such sanctimonious horse pucky, haha! But hey, I wouldn't judge someone else, I would just accept it is part of their journey.. So we should probably ease up on ourselves is all I'm saying.
Please hang on and hang in for dear life, and keep us posted. I'm interested in how you're feeling.
xoxo
When I look back on posts about how I knew everything about not drinking, just to drink again, CRINGE. Such sanctimonious horse pucky, haha! But hey, I wouldn't judge someone else, I would just accept it is part of their journey.. So we should probably ease up on ourselves is all I'm saying.
Please hang on and hang in for dear life, and keep us posted. I'm interested in how you're feeling.
xoxo
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Hi Mera,
Just getting caught up with this thread. I know you have been through a great deal recently, and I am sorry you are struggling, although your new doctor seems to be a good fit.
Focus on healing you and your sobriety.
Sending lots of love.
Delilah
Just getting caught up with this thread. I know you have been through a great deal recently, and I am sorry you are struggling, although your new doctor seems to be a good fit.
Focus on healing you and your sobriety.
Sending lots of love.
Delilah
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Oops, sorry, didn't mean for it to be an unwelcome bump! What you wrote really struck me; I'm still kind of processing what I went through and why, and the way you spoke about your own experience resonated with me. So thanks for that. 
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No worries fantail, my words are there, they are there forever and I have to accept that. Despite the embarrassment I do feel good when I feel like people relate and understand me so do know that your words were very much appreciated.
Sometimes I feel like posts like these are like waves in the ocean. You know when you sit at the edge of the sea, right at the waves? The sand covers you and the wave comes and washes it all away. Then you are clean. Then another wave comes and brings back the sand again.
It is going to be ok. The one thing I know is that the more I stay sober, the better it gets.
Thank you again.
Sometimes I feel like posts like these are like waves in the ocean. You know when you sit at the edge of the sea, right at the waves? The sand covers you and the wave comes and washes it all away. Then you are clean. Then another wave comes and brings back the sand again.
It is going to be ok. The one thing I know is that the more I stay sober, the better it gets.
Thank you again.
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This thread did drop off and here I am topping it again! I just wanted to add an update for anyone interested, I have my second appointment with my psychiatrist today and I cannot wait. I am so excited and happy to have this help and to start making progress.
I am also thrilled that I spoke to him about my alcoholism and he wants this to be our main focus for the time being as he said it is the most critical problem to address first. It is also great that he can prescribe me Campral, which I have had great success with. I could care less if anyone here, there or anywhere thinks that taking meds is somehow cheating at sobriety. I'll work on the other stuff with my doctor, but the medication really does help buy me some time and is effective in helping me get my cravings under control and deny them when the arise. I went to the addiction centre out of desperation but I hated going there. I don't feel any better or worse than anyone who goes there, we are all in the same boat, fighting the good fight, but I felt very out of place there and felt misunderstood. I hated walking through the crowd of filthy, drunk and drugged people outside the centre, slamming beers and bottles of vodka before they went in for their appointments. Who am I to judge, I've got my own way of drinking in a crazy way, but I just felt like "please people, can't you do that at least a block away? here? really?"
I reached out to a friend yesterday and it was a failure. A few weeks ago I saw her in her shop and commented that she had lost a lot of weight. She said that her husband had "had some tests" and stopped drinking so she stopped too to support him. I know him as a pretty heavy drinker. It hadn't left my mind since that day. So I invited her and her husband for dinner Saturday, thinking I could finally do what I love most, my passion, cooking and entertaining without the problem of alcohol in the way, them being sober and all. I haven't entertained for a long time as I just don't want the wine in my house and sorry, for better or worse, it is expected at a dinner in Italy. Anyway, I also sent a message saying "you didn't say why Leo had quit drinking, and I don't want to make any assumptions, but if the tests were liver related and he quit because he feels like he has a problem with alcohol I try to make it to the weekly AA meetings in town and would be happy to take him to a meeting if he feels like he needs help or group support" (she knows about my alcoholism, I've invited her and her kids over before and was not drinking so I explained it to her) Anyway, she wrote back "Noooooo, oh my god no, Leo definitely does not have a problem with alcohol" I felt like kind of an ass. But I guess it was good to have reached out and gotten it off my mind. I'd like to think I can be of support if anyone ever needed it. Oh well. I'm sure there will be another alcoholic down the line.
I am currently fighting with my mother. Well, not fighting, just upset and annoyed. During "the crisis" we'll call it, a few weeks ago, she was aware of what was going on and how tough it was on me. She also knows of all my problems with my thief ex-business partner, etc. It's been a rough go of it lately. I was hoping she would just jump on a plane and come over and rescue me and let me curl up in the fatal position in her arms and cry and take care of me and clean my house and mommy mommy mommy. But no. So I finally asked her clearly to come and she agreed. Well more than a week passed and she was hemming and hawing and saying she had a travel agent working on tickets because she INSISTS on flying out of her tiny little regional airport instead of driving 2 hours to a major airport. I just told her to forget it. It was obvious that she didn't want to come, and I do understand that making the trip over is not easy for anyone, especially once you get to a certain age, but I wanted her to want to be here, to want to come rescue me. But it is what it is. I have to accept that I made the choice to move half way around the world and that comes with certain consequences, such as people close to me not being able to come to me easily in a time of need. I feel hurt though, I can't lie. It is the first time in 10 years here that I have actually asked outright for a visit due to a real need. Even after the birth of my first son, when I almost died and my son almost died in the delivery room I didn't ask her to come. I waited a month until her scheduled visit. This recent meltdown of mine has been the worst I've ever been in my entire life. I wanted my mommy. Plain and simple. We are close and I love her. She has always been a good, loving mother. I have to grow up though. I have to be self sufficient. The more the years pass the more evident it becomes that the only person you can count on is yourself.
My kids are back and I am so happy for that. They are such super boys. Their grandfather sent me videos of them skiing and they are amazing. I cannot even believe that my kids are skiing down mega slopes in the Swiss Alps. Who would have thought? I grew up very poor (but happy and safe) and never in a million years would have imagined such opportunities. It is obviously not me providing that for them but I am thankful and excited to be witness to their adventures. I like to think that they have a nice balance of both worlds. Their father can provide them with these great things and with me they can appreciate the simpler things in life. I try to always make them aware how fortunate they are and point out those who have much less and how we should help others and give what we can.
I am also thrilled that I spoke to him about my alcoholism and he wants this to be our main focus for the time being as he said it is the most critical problem to address first. It is also great that he can prescribe me Campral, which I have had great success with. I could care less if anyone here, there or anywhere thinks that taking meds is somehow cheating at sobriety. I'll work on the other stuff with my doctor, but the medication really does help buy me some time and is effective in helping me get my cravings under control and deny them when the arise. I went to the addiction centre out of desperation but I hated going there. I don't feel any better or worse than anyone who goes there, we are all in the same boat, fighting the good fight, but I felt very out of place there and felt misunderstood. I hated walking through the crowd of filthy, drunk and drugged people outside the centre, slamming beers and bottles of vodka before they went in for their appointments. Who am I to judge, I've got my own way of drinking in a crazy way, but I just felt like "please people, can't you do that at least a block away? here? really?"
I reached out to a friend yesterday and it was a failure. A few weeks ago I saw her in her shop and commented that she had lost a lot of weight. She said that her husband had "had some tests" and stopped drinking so she stopped too to support him. I know him as a pretty heavy drinker. It hadn't left my mind since that day. So I invited her and her husband for dinner Saturday, thinking I could finally do what I love most, my passion, cooking and entertaining without the problem of alcohol in the way, them being sober and all. I haven't entertained for a long time as I just don't want the wine in my house and sorry, for better or worse, it is expected at a dinner in Italy. Anyway, I also sent a message saying "you didn't say why Leo had quit drinking, and I don't want to make any assumptions, but if the tests were liver related and he quit because he feels like he has a problem with alcohol I try to make it to the weekly AA meetings in town and would be happy to take him to a meeting if he feels like he needs help or group support" (she knows about my alcoholism, I've invited her and her kids over before and was not drinking so I explained it to her) Anyway, she wrote back "Noooooo, oh my god no, Leo definitely does not have a problem with alcohol" I felt like kind of an ass. But I guess it was good to have reached out and gotten it off my mind. I'd like to think I can be of support if anyone ever needed it. Oh well. I'm sure there will be another alcoholic down the line.
I am currently fighting with my mother. Well, not fighting, just upset and annoyed. During "the crisis" we'll call it, a few weeks ago, she was aware of what was going on and how tough it was on me. She also knows of all my problems with my thief ex-business partner, etc. It's been a rough go of it lately. I was hoping she would just jump on a plane and come over and rescue me and let me curl up in the fatal position in her arms and cry and take care of me and clean my house and mommy mommy mommy. But no. So I finally asked her clearly to come and she agreed. Well more than a week passed and she was hemming and hawing and saying she had a travel agent working on tickets because she INSISTS on flying out of her tiny little regional airport instead of driving 2 hours to a major airport. I just told her to forget it. It was obvious that she didn't want to come, and I do understand that making the trip over is not easy for anyone, especially once you get to a certain age, but I wanted her to want to be here, to want to come rescue me. But it is what it is. I have to accept that I made the choice to move half way around the world and that comes with certain consequences, such as people close to me not being able to come to me easily in a time of need. I feel hurt though, I can't lie. It is the first time in 10 years here that I have actually asked outright for a visit due to a real need. Even after the birth of my first son, when I almost died and my son almost died in the delivery room I didn't ask her to come. I waited a month until her scheduled visit. This recent meltdown of mine has been the worst I've ever been in my entire life. I wanted my mommy. Plain and simple. We are close and I love her. She has always been a good, loving mother. I have to grow up though. I have to be self sufficient. The more the years pass the more evident it becomes that the only person you can count on is yourself.
My kids are back and I am so happy for that. They are such super boys. Their grandfather sent me videos of them skiing and they are amazing. I cannot even believe that my kids are skiing down mega slopes in the Swiss Alps. Who would have thought? I grew up very poor (but happy and safe) and never in a million years would have imagined such opportunities. It is obviously not me providing that for them but I am thankful and excited to be witness to their adventures. I like to think that they have a nice balance of both worlds. Their father can provide them with these great things and with me they can appreciate the simpler things in life. I try to always make them aware how fortunate they are and point out those who have much less and how we should help others and give what we can.
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I understand your disappointment with your mom Mera, but there maybe a silver lining in this - when you get through this (and you will) you'll be able to say 'I did this'.
I had a huge sense of 'grown up' satisfaction about that
D
I had a huge sense of 'grown up' satisfaction about that
D
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Yes, good point Dee, but mommy is mommy, you know? I just want a big mommy hug and for her to be here with me, help me in my garden, play with the kids and just be here. It's ok. I know she feels bad and frankly, she should, but I also don't want her to suffer or feel guilty. I told her not to come and I meant it, we are talking and everything is fine but I miss her. I'll see her in May though, my brother is getting married and I'll come home for the wedding. That is another stress as well, she needs to be there for that. My brother's partner is outrageously shy and they have since cancelled the "big wedding" shebang. It is now going to be a family only affair but my brother's boyfriend now thinks he can't even handle that! So they are talking about just going to the courthouse the two of them and making it official (thankfully it is finally legal, after over 10 years together!) and then just having a dinner with family. But then all the family wants them to have a ceremony... and drama drama drama..... And my brother is anything but shy and he wanted a big party but more than anything wants his partner to be happy so he has conceded on everything.... then my dad is trying to organise the wine (he's a big collector) and my mom is trying to figure out if we need a tent..... and me and the partner's sister (grooms maids) don't know what to wear..... and the dinner... and should we have music if it is not a party......
I can't handle anything else now so I just said "tell me when and where and what colour you want me dressed in and I'll be there" christ almighty!
I can't handle anything else now so I just said "tell me when and where and what colour you want me dressed in and I'll be there" christ almighty!
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