fantail

I don't know Meraviglioso... I'd hold off on diagnosing yourself. I know what it feels like to want to write off your own feelings and boil everything down to how off the mark and damaged you are. Every time I recover from feelings I distance myself from them by intellectualizing the whole episode and rolling my eyes a bit. It sounds like that's what you're doing.

I don't think you were being at all dramatic in the sense of blowing things up for effect. You sounded genuinely distressed and trying to work your way through the feelings. You asked for help here because you felt alone. That's OK. We all hang around here because giving and getting support in this format is helping us somehow, probably in different ways for each of us. It may be more comfortable to be giving, but it's ok to get too.

I'm glad you're feeling a little more steady. Maybe take a break from the DSM for a little while though. Learning about personality disorders is notorious for causing psych students to self-diagnose!

Meraviglioso

You are right fantail, I know self-diagnosis is never a good idea. But I matched up nearly 100% with what I read. But I won't get ahead of myself. There is something comforting in finding a diagnosis, an explanation for our behaviors. The real point though is to put in the effort to better oneself.
I'm really ready to go into every appointment with an open mind, take the medications prescribed to be, be completely honest about everything, listen and consider what is said to me. I just want therapy to work this time. Does anyone have any other suggestions for getting the most out of this? I need to go full-on deep this time.

OpenTuning

Hi Mera,

The wonderful thing about people is everyone is different. Everyone sees and experiences the world in a unique way, based on many, many factors. And everyone deserves to be loved, supported, and not judged for how they do that. You are a good person, Mera. And there's nothing at all wrong with wanting to hear that sometimes. We all want to feel loved, supported, and understood. And if we all experienced that in our daily lives, unconditionally, there'd be no need for counsellors. But sadly that is a very rare thing indeed.

I would strongly urge that you try not to self-diagnose yourself with psychiatric conditions based on our good friend Mr. Google, though. They can have a self-fulfilling aspect to them. A tendency for people when they do that to stick themselves in a box, and then stay there. "I am this" or "I am that". Rather than "right now I'm behaving like this", or "at this particular moment, I'm seeing the world like that". If that makes sense?

The school of thought I subscribe to is that we are all in a constant state of growth and movement. That we can get stuck sometimes and need help to move past certain barriers we may have, but that desire for positive change and growth is a big part of what makes us human. Who you are today does not need to be who you are tomorrow. We all have the power within us to change for the better in the right conditions.

I'm so happy you've found someone you find helpful, and I hope his focus will be on finding what it takes to help you, Mera, to move forward and find the happiness you deserve, rather than spending too much time trying to stick labels on you.

Ariesagain

I haven't known you very long (and obviously, this is still only the internet!) but I have known histrionics and I don't see that in you. This past crisis was exactly that...a very painful and emotional experience...and your emotions were completely appropriate. I didn't see you amping them up, or wallowing in the pain...every post was honest and again, appropriate. You have, throughout, sounded grounded and focused on working through this. With the histrionics I have known, on some level they are enjoying the drama and clinging to it. That's not you.
Is there someone in your life who tells you you are a drama queen and invalidates your emotions?
I am so glad you have found a good therapist. I hope he helps you focus on all the good we see in you.

OpenTuning

Hi

Sorry, I can be so long-winded that several posts landed in between my starting and finishing my last message.

Suggestions on how to get the most out of counselling?

For me the biggest is to not sit back and wait for your therapist (psychiatrist/counsellor, those terms can be pretty fluid) to fix you. We go to Doctors for a diagnosis and medical treatment to fix the problem. Antibiotics for an infection, say. But mental health is different. Your therapist will need you to do the heavy lifting to tell him what's going on inside your head because he doesn't have access to that. There's no stethoscope to hear your thoughts with. And if he's good at his job, you'll be able to tell him anything and he will listen without judging you, with understanding and empathy.

You may need to be patient, it can take time before you feel comfortable enough in your relationship (because that's what you're entering into with him) for you to be able to tap into and reveal everything that's going on inside you. But when that happens, you will hopefully be surprised by the connections you start making for yourself. The realisations you will come to, almost without him appearing to have done anything. In particular between sessions.

I don't know what school of therapy he comes from, he may give you exercises to do to help with certain things, or try and steer your conversations towards areas he feels may be important, or he may encourage you to direct where things go. And I don't know if he'll feel pills are a long term solution, or will be aiming at you no longer needing medication in the longer term.

But whatever approach he follows, the simple fact you're asking what you can do to help ensure success shows you're going into it with the right attitude, and I feel very confident that you will get the help you need from it.

Soberwolf

Hi Mera additional advice from me would be

Be yourself the real Mera is a very nice kind supportive person (you have many personal qualities remember that x)

Be open, honest and prepared to take on what this person says with over 20+years in alcoholism you have struck gold maybe it was meant to happen ?

Stick even closer to us while all this is happening your going to need a release valve

some days were hard for me in therapy but SR always had my back and made sure I wasn't alone with it

Above all remember that no matter what you won't be doing this alone I think I can speak for SR in saying everyone wants the best for you your one of us Mera xx

'Andare a prendere em tigre'

Hawkeye13

I'm glad you're here, I'm glad you're getting help, and this really can be a turning pointto healing for you.

I'm also liking your children's father more and more.
I would take it slow with the boyfriend right now if you feel the need to focus on you.
We don't have the details of what he did, obviously, but it sure sounds like he
left you without support at a really bad time.
Given how long you've been together, that seems troubling but only you can decide if it's repairable or not. . .
There is no rush to do this. Triage and healing for you first Mera

melki

With all due respect to Mr. Google, I don't think the diagnosis fits you. Talk it out with your psychiatrist.

Meraviglioso

This does make sense, it does. And I agree to an extent and regret giving in to my own morbid curiosity of once again, thinking about myself for hours on end and taking to google to self analyze.
That said, there is also something to be said for recognizing problem behaviors and diagnostic box or no box, wanting to resolve them.

I really, in particular, like what you followed with, that we are in a continuous state of evolvement and hope that is the case for me, I want to shed so many qualities I find undesirable about myself and hope I can do so.

Thanks for the thoughtful response.

Meraviglioso

Although the plan was/IS to avoid self diagnosis, I would say, if there were a sliding scale for these types of things, on a scale of 1-10 my behaviors would be at about a level 4. So no, I am not a completely over the top person, but I do recognize that I don't handle things well. The episode last year with my business partner stealing for example. Yes, it was bad and I think most people would be outraged and have some sort of angry reaction. But I really went off the deep end with that, just nearly lost my mind in a blinding fit of rage. There have been other events such as that. The above is just an example without getting into a point by point self assessment as to how I match up with the other characteristics.
Some people do notice my intense emotions and reactions and have commented. It has for the most part not caused many inter-personal conflicts but I do now recognize that my failure to cultivate friendships stems from me clinging to people too soon. I put my whole self into a possible friendship and it is overwhelming to others. This has also been specifically pointed out by my boyfriend (ex-boyfriend??)
In any case, your words are appreciated.

Meraviglioso

Thanks Hawkeye. My children's father is a solid person. He has his own issues, but there is no doubt in my mind I can count on him for absolutely anything. Anything. He offered to buy me a ticket back to the US, buy my mom a ticket for her to come over, or hire a nurse to come stay with me for a while.

As for my boyfriend, I am really just in a state of shock right now. I think if you combed through past posts you would find only good things about him. I sometimes lamented that he didn't get my alcoholism and wasn't much help, but I think a lot of us have that issue when we are in a relationship with a normie. But outside of that I've only ever thought of him as amazing. And I knew he loved me. So I am confused, hurt and stunned right now. I don't think I'm ready to see him, much less consider what we'll do moving forward. At some point I'll have to face it, but it's only been a week since he walked out, I need more time to digest it.

melki

Take all the time your need and heal yourself in the meantime.

Melina

Mera, you are great and it's wonderful you are finding relief and hope!

Hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs, you're safe here.

OpenTuning

Yes, you are very capable of making the changes that you desire, with the right conditions, which you're taking all the right steps to achieve.

And to be clear, developing self awareness is crucial to that process. My only concern was about looking up diagnoses for what you're finding out about yourself, which risk putting yourself into a box that's then harder to get back out of. As an analogy, someone who was sober then slipped might think their plan failed, and they need to figure out what changes they need to make to succeed next time. Or they might think "I'm a failure" and convince themselves that nothing they do will ever work. You know which one of those is the better way of looking at it.

Meraviglioso

Very thoughtful point OpenTuning, I appreciate the insight.
I had a little chuckle reading your post, noting in my mind that one of the traits of histronics is not dealing well with delayed gratification. I got started down this path on Wednesday and just want to get on with the getting better! I do know this will be a long road though.
In other news, I'm not going to lie, today I really wanted to turn to drinking. I thought about it and made myself remember that drinking has never, not even once, made a problem disappear. So I took a little nap instead, worked some, cleaned. I just had a hot bath and even hotter herbal tea and now am safely, soberly tucked into bed. Alone. But safe and sober.
Night all, thanks again for the support.

Ariesagain

Actually, one of the traits of most of us addicts in general is discomfort with delayed gratification. It's too much like withdrawal...and/or since most of us started drinking early in life we never learned the skill.

Also, it's a FEELING. Oh noes!!!

Anna

Mera, I'm really glad that you are working through this.

My concern would be that as you work through issues with your new psychiatrist, you keep in mind that you are an alcoholic and you still need to stop drinking, no matter what else changes. I am a big advocate of dealing with the 'stuff' and underlying issues, so I applaud you for working on that.

Meraviglioso

No doubt Anna, I'm glad you pointed that out. To be clear I don't think that by working on my "other stuff" my problems with alcohol will go away. I know quitting is the only option. As we were re-capping our session and scheduling the next my new doctor said that the first and most critical thing that needs to happen is that I must stop drinking, that above all my most dangerous and damaging behaviors and emotions stem from my drinking.
It is my #1 priority right now. I actually had been doing pretty well prior to this recent turn of events. I am hoping now with the support of a therapist, learning solid coping skills, etc. the next time something bad happens (because it surely will, that is just life) I will be prepared to handle it without turning to alcohol.

Sunny day here, I finally feel physically well enough to get some exercise. I am going to clean my garden, mow the grass and then take a long walk with my "love song" playlist on my iPod. What happens hurt but I do not feel disillusioned about love. I do need to think about how I will handle my (ex?) boyfriend. He has invited me to dinner at a friend's house tonight. I am so confused by his lack of awareness here. I simply cannot go on as if nothing happened. He just seems to think he acted poorly but now he feels better so I should too. I'm generally an easy going person when it comes to our relationship but this is not something I can just sweep under the rug. It affected me deeply the fact that he left. I have absolutely no desire to sit across the table form him at a dinner with others without having talked through this. But I am not ready to talk about it or see him just yet.
I'd prefer to just ignore the issue altogether for the time being but I know I need to act like an adult and call him to tell him I am declining his invitation. First the garden clean and the walk…..

Dropsie

Mera,

I spent the first 45 years of my life feeling like I was emotionally and mentally healthy.

I then had a terrible bout of depression after the birth of my second child (yes I was 45..) and have spent the last 11 years figuring out via therapy and the internet that I was never that healthy, but I am also not many of the things I self diagnosed myself as down the road. And that I am okay. really.

So are you. really.

I have followed your posts here since you joined and find you insightful and caring, and have not noticed the attributes you ascribe to yourself. But regardless, you are okay. And with the help of your new doctor you will be more okay.

For what its worth, my advice is to work with your doctor, don't drink, and try not to overthink. Avoid putting labels on yourself, and tell the board in your head that they have the month off. And if you must check out the internet, the most insightful person I have found beyond my therapist is Peter Michaelson at the website, Why We Suffer. And do something nice for your Ex to thank him. It will feel good.

Mainly, give your self a break. You deserve it.

Meraviglioso

Thank you Dropsie, those are really wise words and I will take them to heart. Right now my focus will be on not drinking and just waiting until my next appointment. I have proven time and time again I am not good at diagnosing myself or bettering myself by myself, yet I keep trying. It's best to let a professional guide me now.

I will find something to do for my ex, though I do think that what he has done for me he has done so as a way of thanking me. When we met he was at his worst, physically and emotionally. years ago he was a completely healthy man, physical and active when he suddenly fell ill with a rare disease. When I came along he had spent a year paralyzed, then in a wheelchair, he was walking with a walker or a cane when we met. I was emotionally healthier then and I think I brought a lot of sunshine into his life. I was there when he couldn't get out of bed to use the toilet. I fed him when he didn't have the force to lift a fork. I was there when he wanted to try running for the first time since falling ill, holding him up and running along side him. I was there when he tried skiing down the baby slope for the first time and fell and couldn't get up. I sat with him while he cried in humiliation and frustration having had been an expert skier before his illness. I physically lifted him up and gushed to our children about how strong and amazing he was to be skiing. I carried our luggage into hotels, lifted heavy things, opened jars and did my best to reassure him of his "manliness" when he wasn't feeling it so much. I reassured him of all the ways he made me feel satisfied and gave me pleasure even when he questioning his sexual performance. He has said time and time again that he trusts me like no one else me having seem him at his very worst.
Things have changed since then but I know I can depend on him and he knows he can depend on me. Our relationship will continue to change, he has recently proposed marriage to a nice woman. We are less connected now, which is for the best for both of us, but we will always be there for one another.