Meraviglioso

So inspiring Tufty!

Mountainmanbob

That's great tufty.

One thing that I sure remember, is this last time in which I returned to the sober life. I didn't have clarity of mind for several months. I truly wondered if it would ever come back. I hope that you will consider this a blessing that not all receive. For I have met some in AA that seem to never fully recover in mind and body.
MM

tufty13

Well that's me down to earth with a bit of a bump.

I've been on a bit of a (possibly false) high since I found SR and decided to stop drinking. Full of hope and joie de vivre and confident about a sober future.

Over confident it would appear.

Last night I accepted a dinner invitation from my closest friend and his partner and I really wasn't prepared for the ensuing emotional roller coaster.

Being surrounded by bottles of wine made me very anxious, my stomach was as tight as a tight thing and I found myself full of self doubt as to my future resolve and being able to maintain a sober lifestyle.

Worse was the constant comments about my abstinence; to mention just a few.....

"Why aren't you drinking?"
"I can't believe it"
"I'm disappointed"
"Next time bring drinking Simon"

I may have been imagining it but it was if my friend was mistrusting of me. There was almost an "atmosphere".

Ho-hum, onward and upward.

Here's to a productive day 13.

OpenTuning

So sorry to hear about your friend's behaviour. It's not uncommon, I think. People can get defensive. If he drinks in a similar way to how you drank, and you've quit, he could well be thinking "he's calling me an alcoholic". It isn't fair. Your choice is your choice, and is based purely on what you feel is right for you. I know I'm not trying to convince anyone else not to drink, but I've had people react in similar ways. I thought I'd get questions about why, maybe, hoped to get some people saying "well done". I didn't expect hostility. But to put it bluntly, that's his problem, not yours. Please don't feel any obligation to drink again just so your friend will feel more comfortable with his own drinking. Hopefully once he sees you aren't trying to get him to change his own behaviour, and importantly aren't judging him in any way for how much he drinks, he'll relax and start to see it as just part of who you are now. But yes, I feel let down by a few people (though had some great encouragement from others in my life, and of course everyone here on SR!) but I just try not to let them get to me and shake my resolve that what I'm doing is the right thing for me.

Mountainmanbob

Your situation there reminds me of me
many years ago when I was very close to 3 years sober.

I found myself at a wedding reception where I knew next to no one.
I started to feel very tight and uneasy.
I should have taken a long walk outside but, did not.
Instead I went up to the bar and grabbed two Heineken's.
I drank those first two down in about 5 minutes.

In sobriety when we don't feel comfortable,
we had better get out of there fast.

Wish you the best -- be careful.

Mountainmanbob

paddyjnr1

Well done for bearing your soul to us, alcoholism really is a self diagnosing disease but it wouldn't hurt to go along to an AA meeting near you and listen, try a few, you don't have to say anything and the' only requirement is a desire to stop drinking' Get a copy of the big book and have a read. pick up some literature there too, it's all free, there's no hidden agendas. Life without alcohol is so much better whether you are an Alcoholic or not. But this illness is progressive and starts off quite similar to your story but believe me over time it takes everything from you including your soul.. Keep safe buddy and I hope you make the right decision... you are worth it.

tufty13

Thank you OT, this is pretty much how I'm viewing things.

tufty13

Thanks PaddyJNr,

I may go to AA if things get too difficult, I did go about five years ago but it was during a time when I was more exploring the notion that I had a problem. I didn't accept it like I do now.

tufty13

The years sober and then you reached for a drink.

That's scary! It really is a lifetimes work isn't it.

bodymindheart

thanks for your story.. it resonates with me as well. I have also never really gotten in serious trouble - I always miraculously avoided it on my blackout nights. Never was a day drinker or even a daily drinker. Mine went in cycles too, from going on a two week health detox, to moderating a few weeks, then a couple nights have 3-5, then the big whammy of blacking out and going back to a two week break. So exhausting.

dwtbd

The hoing and humming are variable, and we can be in some control of it the power of positive thinking and all eh?
But Onward and Upward indeed, just consider the alternatives. Here's to all the possibly productive days that lay ahead by availing ourselves of the choice to have them.
Sounds like the AV likes dinner parties , right now, a good way for it to rattle your resolve. Doesn't mean it will always be that way, but maybe for the time being those situations are more trouble than they are worth.
Onward !

tufty13

Yep, cycles, cycles, cycles. Time to jump off!

tufty13

Dwtb - Yes, I won't be hasty in accepting next time!

paddyjnr1

When things are not so difficult are as dangerous as been difficult. "pain has no memory" By going to meetings we are learning to mind our minds, putting down the alcohol is but the tip of the iceberg. We need to learn how to live out there and deal with the "isms" that cause us to keep returning to the insanity of picking up that drink again because one thing is for sure if you are a true alcoholic you will go back to it without the help of others or else we become whats known as a dry drunk. miserable and discontent, jealous, resentful, cocky, arrogant, the list goes on... I've been there several times, I forget to practice my program because I skip meetings and miss out on what I need to be reminded of to keep my mind well.
When my mind is well and I have a healthy fear of alcohol, I'm ok. There is nothing wrong with alcohol but put it into Paddy and there's a problem... I hope you go back and give them another go, they really do work.

SportsFan15

What Dee said!

I relate so much to what you said, Tufty. I even had doctors telling me I'm NOT an alcoholic cause I didn't fit the description.

But, like you, alcohol had crept into EVER part of my life.

I opened the drink immediately upon getting home. Couldn't wait to get home. Stopped taking care of house and getting things done. Friends were all drinkers.

As Dee said, it was only after I completely stopped that I rediscovered the REAL me.....my energy came back, my brain recovered, and check this out:

I actually have better, more meaningful interactions with people I love. I can't believe that because alcohol SEEMS to create intimacy....now I've found it creates an illusion of closeness, which is just lack of inhibitions.

Maybe this will help you as it did me: I FINALLY stopped trying to decide if I was an "alcoholic" or not. I just KNEW I thought of alcohol every day....and it had to go.

The transition is so hard but after you get used to sobriety, you'll be so glad you're free of the obsessing.

Step12

OK there's a really simple simple response to what you said and many paragraphs. If you're struggling with this and think that you have not done the things that your family did and I comparing yourselfto just that then you need to say to yourself I haven't drank in the morning....yet. I've never gotten trouble with the police......yet. There are a lot of yets involved in this disease. I highly recommend going to some meetings taking the cotton out of your ears and putting it into your mouth :-) it is very important for you to go to meetings not talk. Listen. I think that right now you're looking for all the differences between yourself and alcoholics when you could be looking for the similarities between you and alcoholics. If you can't relater find any in your mind is open to changing and acceptance, then maybe you are not.but if you're not an alcoholic just put the bottle down right?

tufty13

That's a great post SportsFan, thank you so much.

All really good advice, all with which I concur.

When I first posted, I either didn't accept or didn't want to accept that I was an alcoholic. I couldn't get beyond thinking I was a problem drinker and I should lay off it for a while.

Today is day 14 for me and my views have changed. During the last few days I've reflected on my life through sober eyes. The clarity of thought I've gained from abstinence has been remarkable and the self talk is, at times, deafening.

I've taken a look at my life from above, a birds eye view if you like and all I see is a drunk. Just two weeks ago I thought I just loved having good times and maybe drank too much during those good times. Now I think it's more a case of me facilitating those good times, gathering people together in order to facilitate my drinking.

The sober me is already rediscovering myself and rediscovering the things I like to do. I'm now seeing myself and my life in high definition instead of an 8mm projector from the 1960s.

The colours are dazzling and the clarity breathtaking.

I'm really not fussed about labels. If I'm an alcoholic, I'm an alcoholic, sobeit.

What I am fussed about is holding on to what I have right now, in this moment and all the moments I've had during this brief sojourn into sobriety and I know that means I can't ever, ever drink again.

I'm happy and content with that thought.

I've very painfully prised open a treasure trove and discovered a life and love and a different way of being and I'm going to keep it all for myself. Booze is not going to steal that from me.....again.

Thanks again for your post and best wishes to you.

tufty13

Thanks for your help & advice step 12, it's very much appreciated.

I know AA do some amazing work.

I still think I'm going to try doing this by logging on and reading and posting here.

I've been to lots of Al-Anon and ACoA meetings and found them helpful to a point.

If I fall I will definitely go to AA, but just for now I'm going to use a different strategy.

Thanks again though, it's all appreciated.

Soberwolf

Have a good day Tufty

paddyjnr1

I think I mastered most of the ways to avoid Alcoholics Anonymous. here is a list of what I done and each of them did work for a short period of time.

1. Doing a degree course in addiction Counselling, i knew it all and didn't need meetings.
2. Religion only. Catholicism first then The Born again Christians and last but not least The mormons. Became more confused then ever with all the rules and regulations
3. Medication only from GP, which I became hooked on Rapidly.
4.online meetings because my anxiety was so high I was afraid to go out. lasted a few weeks.
5. Psychiatric service, addicted again to benzos.
6. working in treatment centers so i felt embarrassed saying how i truly felt when i met clients so i avoided meetings,
7. Just meetings without attempting a twelve step program, I wasn't content and became bored at meetings as i couldn't understand the program.
Your choice by doing it alone but I would not recommend it...
Good luck and I hope you can conquer this whatever choice you make but believe me "It's cunning Baffling and powerful"