Choicy

If I can admit I don't know what anything is for, then maybe I can begin to see from a different, less self-absorbed/skewed viewpoint?

If holidays, family, friends, work, etc aren't what I think they are...here for my pleasure or pain, maybe there's something else?

I continue thinking of, as a child, watching the Witch in OZ write "Surrender Dorothy." I thought, that's not scary as much as the witch knowing her name! How does one fly under the radar?! Don't call out my name!! (Terrified and yet secretly wanting to be important enough to call out my name!!)

What if my HP has been telling me to Surrender All since...forever; and I've just been fighting?
What if I continue to give just a little more Willingness, Today, and Ask, to See, truly, what I'm meant to See?

teatreeoil007

Love these thoughts... Thx for sharing them!


🌈

Choicy

Today I feel love
and pain
and devastation
and like laughing and laying on the floor crying...
I am tormented and safe and sober and clean, confused, determined...
I am rich in Spirit and sad in solitude.
I'm partially lazy, panicked, hungry & full; at the same time.
Full up of me...surrendering.

It's my holiday time.
It's my life.

Mostly, I Am
Grateful to be here,
with you.

Choicy

(From the website Innerlook.com)

Having Fun

Today, I will have fun.
Living with addiction made me afraid of fun, I worried that chaos would follow. It made me less spontaneous because I was holding onto my insides so tightly, it taught me to mistrust the kind of letting go that having fun requires. But what s the point of all the work I do in recovery if my life doesn't become lighter and happier Even though I am working through deep issues, there is no reason why I can't have some enjoyment in the process. Fun is when I relax and let things happen when I can laugh at myself and other people when I don't take everything in life so seriously. Fun is when it doesn't have to be all my way when the heavy load is removed, when my meter is turned off and I just goof around in the moment. Today I see that there is no reason not to enjoy myself.
I can let go and have fun.

Soberwolf

Choicy

teatreeoil007

Beautiful, Choicy....

Choicy

How does anyone wake and process bad dreams?
Of course I want to relive the good ones...but do the scary ones have to mean something- always?

Without going into detail, I know I tend to get them this time of year...are they just recognized fears?

Soberwolf

Dreams & nightmares have the potential of messing with my head for a day or so when they were severe but they will fade

I think it's something to do with our senses & our feelings memories etc when we sleep depending on how we fall asleep when we fall asleep where we fall asleep can affect the dreamscape

But know they fade I have had nearly every sleep problem going glad to say it happens rarely & not as much anymore

And no cheese before bedtime apparently they cause nightmares

teatreeoil007

Sending a great big hug to you, Choicy....

I have often wondered about dreams and what they mean...they sure are interesting...I've always been a vivid dreamer and dream in color sometimes.

Dee74

I'm not a big one for dreams meaning anything choicy - I still dream of school, but I have no desire to go back there

D

Choicy

Often childhood friends appear in my dreams.

I think it's because we are all truly connected!

I feel like dreams may indicate I've got some work to do...

Choicy

Note to self -Just in case I forget. [Oooh! Reading blogs can get to the stuff underneath! Thanks to KeyofC today]

Sisters and Brothers

I love how people are brave enough to share, even though they may be judged. I know why I get adamant, because I am scared. I want to fit in and be loved and be myself. I want to enjoy my time with others. I wish to be useful and confident.
but...

sometimes I get caught up in my "otherness," I feel I don't belong, I can't do it that way, you are better/worse than me, it really is not about them...it's about me. My insecurities.

I understand the rant, I've done it in m y head a million times, but it gets me no where but separated, and I do it to myself.

For today, I will embrace where I am.
I will be content with what I am doing is enough.
I will forgive myself for acting out against others and not take offense.

I struggle with that anger that lies dormant.

I will let it out, for it is my pain. And it keeps me angry.

For today, I am enough.

Will you forgive me for my anger and judgments and feeling "less than?"

Sadly, as I vent, I think all I want is to be held and hugged and given security.

And only I can open up to that. You can't do it for me.

But I am glad you have a voice, for in whatever light, it is my own also.

I strive for that Spark today and realize darkness is the absence of light.

Will I let some light in today?

A little at a time...

Choicy

If loneliness is a condition, I am drawn to it.

It runs in the family, along with addiction, but not necessarily because of it.

I seek not pity but respite from my state.

To have mates, you must first be one.

And know yourself worthy.

Searching searching waiting appraising.

Beholden to Two, but responsible to One.

Dee74

I think you're right Choicy.

D

Choicy

Since reading this post on SR, I realized I'm scared of connecting, but; women are lovely!! Men are considerate and fun!

[I recognize my black and white thinking, but choose to use it for good right now, instead of separating...]

Recently I have gotten out of the house and met with new acquaintances after 9 years of isolation!!

I repeat : out of the house---- for pleasure!

and being a friend to those that call me.
I haven't been able to be a friend in a long time.

I met with two girlfriends this weeks and listened, and laughed.

I met with a guy friend (who is in a 12-step program; sooo good for me) last week and connected mind-to-mind!

Thank you for teaching me I can't change the past, but I can choose to make my present more joyful. I am ready.

Especial ----Thank you to Soberwolf, Dee74, and Teatreeoil007.

Soberwolf

Choicy

I just read; Six fears you don't need in recovery:

1. Fear of Being Alone
2. Fear of Making A Mistake
3. Fear of Not having What It Takes
4. Fear of Failure
5. Fear of SUCCESS
6. Fear of LIVING

I have them all on any given day.
But today, I have SR, and You.
I am so grateful.
Just for today I will have:

Enjoyment of Being Connected
Enjoyment of Laughing at Making A Mistake
Enjoyment of having What It Takes through having A Loving HP
Enjoyment of Failures that make me Grow [Up!]
Enjoyment of SUCCESS
Enjoyment of LIVING

Even if it's awkward;
I choose to live,
and am humbled that I found You, here.
Now, step forward my Friend! Take a bow. You're alive!

teatreeoil007

You're awesome, Choicy!

Choicy

I drank to forget.
I reached for things other than making friendships because I was always morbid inside my head.

I used because I kept secrets, mine and others.

I didn't care about me for a very long time.
I wanted to be seen and not heard.

I was surprised when I didn't disappear.
I was shocked when I decided to quit, and quit again. And again.
I was stupified when I looked up and saw that You cared.

I am grateful and a little bit hopeful that my usefulness will testify there is a place for others who feel the same.

There is a place for us to have fun without the fear.
There is life without oblivion, and it calls to each one of us.
All along there was at least one outstretched hand offering me hope, it remained there in different forms until I was ready.

So that today, we can stand beside each other, one by one,
until no one is left floundering in the dark, manic with false hope, crying on the floor, wandering in desperation, writhing in anger...

If you choose to stand up, no matter how shaky you feel, and Be Your true self, I choose to stand with you, because it was done for me; I know it's our destiny.

I'm extremely tired and worn but these words felt true at the moment. Thank you to any one that read this, and writes here. I wish you Peace in your head and Joy in your heart.

chrcarlson

Hello Choicy,

Lots of good people on here with great advice. One very smart lady posted you can google "aa youtube" Some of the vids are hilarious. They are not difficult to watch at all. Good information and if you feel like drinking you will not while watching a vid.

We usually have a few good laughs at AA. Ex drunks are an amusing bunch with crazy stories.