Once
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Originally Posted by Choicy 
I drank to forget.
I reached for things other than making friendships because I was always morbid inside my head.
I used because I kept secrets, mine and others.
I didn't care about me for a very long time.
I wanted to be seen and not heard.
I was surprised when I didn't disappear.
I was shocked when I decided to quit, and quit again. And again.
I was stupified when I looked up and saw that You cared.
I am grateful and a little bit hopeful that my usefulness will testify there is a place for others who feel the same.
There is a place for us to have fun without the fear.
There is life without oblivion, and it calls to each one of us.
All along there was at least one outstretched hand offering me hope, it remained there in different forms until I was ready.
So that today, we can stand beside each other, one by one,
until no one is left floundering in the dark, manic with false hope, crying on the floor, wandering in desperation, writhing in anger...
If you choose to stand up, no matter how shaky you feel, and Be Your true self, I choose to stand with you, because it was done for me; I know it's our destiny.
I'm extremely tired and worn but these words felt true at the moment. Thank you to any one that read this, and writes here. I wish you Peace in your head and Joy in your heart.
I reached for things other than making friendships because I was always morbid inside my head.
I used because I kept secrets, mine and others.
I didn't care about me for a very long time.
I wanted to be seen and not heard.
I was surprised when I didn't disappear.
I was shocked when I decided to quit, and quit again. And again.
I was stupified when I looked up and saw that You cared.
I am grateful and a little bit hopeful that my usefulness will testify there is a place for others who feel the same.
There is a place for us to have fun without the fear.
There is life without oblivion, and it calls to each one of us.
All along there was at least one outstretched hand offering me hope, it remained there in different forms until I was ready.
So that today, we can stand beside each other, one by one,
until no one is left floundering in the dark, manic with false hope, crying on the floor, wandering in desperation, writhing in anger...
If you choose to stand up, no matter how shaky you feel, and Be Your true self, I choose to stand with you, because it was done for me; I know it's our destiny.
I'm extremely tired and worn but these words felt true at the moment. Thank you to any one that read this, and writes here. I wish you Peace in your head and Joy in your heart.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: MI, USA
Posts: 234
DEE: It's quite a miracle to be here with you today!
I have been out meeting with whomever has invited me to meet one on one. I have met with some people in 12 step programs, and others. It brought up quite a bit of things I'm working through and I was honored to be invited. SR and all of you have helped me see I have value, and that by continuing to work the steps AND join with others I get to practice putting principles into action... one-on-one it is quite intimate.
What are you up to these days? I'd really like to know how you've worked on your conscious contact?
I have been out meeting with whomever has invited me to meet one on one. I have met with some people in 12 step programs, and others. It brought up quite a bit of things I'm working through and I was honored to be invited. SR and all of you have helped me see I have value, and that by continuing to work the steps AND join with others I get to practice putting principles into action... one-on-one it is quite intimate.
What are you up to these days? I'd really like to know how you've worked on your conscious contact?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: MI, USA
Posts: 234
My thoughts take a while to wind through my emotions and become understandable! I am undergoing quite a bit of interaction and some days I wish I had a parent help me learn how to sort out my feelings! For I feel as a child; still seeking to understand how I feel and why. All my feelings pass eventually, I can almost watch them come and go when I'm really allowing my HP in, but I have learned the reoccurring ones are to be paid attention to. They may be important!
Some days I am so annoyed with my thoughts that I read postings on here and take a break for having opinions for a little while.
However,
Lately I've been thinking about authenticity and how to demonstrate it. I never really had a chance to try out new or undiscovered parts of myself. It scared me frankly. I didn't want anything more to be taken from me. Naturally good feelings were to be feared and mistrusted.
I have slowed my life and looked around. Silence itself brings out feelings, but I go to my couch and feel safe to let them come out. What's underneath that fear? I wish to know...I have a sneaking suspicion it might be something profound, like Love; Acceptance; Joy. Do I deserve these feelings? I think I may.
In the meantime, I shall be patient and keep on the light side around friends, but hopefully, always attempting to be authentically me, now. I wish to see what happens without me having an agenda. To accept what comes.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To see You first thing in the morning; hair mussed, jammies, [somewhat!] rested face, looking for the sunlight...perfect by design, and being grateful for one more day...You are necessary. You are my mirror.
Some days I am so annoyed with my thoughts that I read postings on here and take a break for having opinions for a little while.
However,
Lately I've been thinking about authenticity and how to demonstrate it. I never really had a chance to try out new or undiscovered parts of myself. It scared me frankly. I didn't want anything more to be taken from me. Naturally good feelings were to be feared and mistrusted.
I have slowed my life and looked around. Silence itself brings out feelings, but I go to my couch and feel safe to let them come out. What's underneath that fear? I wish to know...I have a sneaking suspicion it might be something profound, like Love; Acceptance; Joy. Do I deserve these feelings? I think I may.
In the meantime, I shall be patient and keep on the light side around friends, but hopefully, always attempting to be authentically me, now. I wish to see what happens without me having an agenda. To accept what comes.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To see You first thing in the morning; hair mussed, jammies, [somewhat!] rested face, looking for the sunlight...perfect by design, and being grateful for one more day...You are necessary. You are my mirror.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
I am trying think of when I have felt the most 'authentic' and over the years I've realized I have a knack for getting up in front of a crowd and allow myself to be vulnerable, but REAL (and authentic)...Open my heart all the way and let out that authenticity come what may. I've written songs and demoed them in front an audience and as I was doing that I looked up; looked up, up, up and thought of Grandma...was her spirit there....? I think maybe it was...I was with her when she died in our home...a peaceful goodbye...I also felt her spirit when I gave birth to my first baby...such a wonderful experience...and newborn baby just: IS. And as I sang that song I felt my higher power giving the strength to let my creative, authentic spirit OUT...they would receive how they received it...it went well but I was taking a huge chance
Sometimes we just have to take a chance ...
Choicy,,it's good to have the spirit of a little child a baby...even in a grown up body...their needs are simple and the pure..
Sometimes we just have to take a chance ...
Choicy,,it's good to have the spirit of a little child a baby...even in a grown up body...their needs are simple and the pure..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: MI, USA
Posts: 234
Flashbacks
I had quite the day yesterday.
Any experience with working through flashbacks?
I STOP!
I journal.
but what concerns me more is
why they are triggered...
Just when I think I've worked through them more roll out, or come up again.
There are patterns, patterns every where, but I have different choices and coping skills today...still flashbacks are tough.
What can you do?
They do pass, but they are connected to my choices now.
A little experience sharing would be great---
Any experience with working through flashbacks?
I STOP!
I journal.
but what concerns me more is
why they are triggered...
Just when I think I've worked through them more roll out, or come up again.
There are patterns, patterns every where, but I have different choices and coping skills today...still flashbacks are tough.
What can you do?
They do pass, but they are connected to my choices now.
A little experience sharing would be great---
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: MI, USA
Posts: 234
Flashbacks, continued
I'm going to keep writing. Maybe it will garner your input!
I realized, through the help of some friends, watching a friend leave triggered my FLASHBACKS.
That child inside was feeling ABANDONED even though this was not the case. It was strong and took me 5 days and several friends to cycle through to figure this out.
Underneath are REAL NEEDS. It was not something I needed from said person, but reassurance I needed to give myself.
I am okay. I am whole. I have a solid network of friends and a life different from me as a child growing up. I can use this moment to grow and (ugh) feel! This is new to me! I am ready for HEALTHY ATTACHMENTS with others and can handle the coming together and going apart without falling apart. I wish to find those other caring individuals that love me for me and enjoy coming back to share with me of their adventures!
Paraphrasing Fleetwood Mac "I CAN handle the seasons of my life" without resorting to taking something to relieve real, necessary feelings. They point me to where I need to go, and where I no longer need to go.
Thank you to everyone on SR that allowed me to work through these exceptionally strong feelings.
It is my hope I'll recognize what they are next time and more quickly resort to ASKING FOR SUPPORT.
I bought that bottle, I dumped that bottle, I know where that road leads.
I Love You for being here when I needed you. A different path; a different result. Huh. Now I'll go process that one with a blissful cup of green tea! Look there; I've renewed my gratefulness for that simple pleasure while going through the rough. Guess I forgot "thROUGH" can entail the rough. I'm beginning to suspect it doesn't have to. I'll bet the OT know what I mean.
I realized, through the help of some friends, watching a friend leave triggered my FLASHBACKS.
That child inside was feeling ABANDONED even though this was not the case. It was strong and took me 5 days and several friends to cycle through to figure this out.
Underneath are REAL NEEDS. It was not something I needed from said person, but reassurance I needed to give myself.
I am okay. I am whole. I have a solid network of friends and a life different from me as a child growing up. I can use this moment to grow and (ugh) feel! This is new to me! I am ready for HEALTHY ATTACHMENTS with others and can handle the coming together and going apart without falling apart. I wish to find those other caring individuals that love me for me and enjoy coming back to share with me of their adventures!
Paraphrasing Fleetwood Mac "I CAN handle the seasons of my life" without resorting to taking something to relieve real, necessary feelings. They point me to where I need to go, and where I no longer need to go.
Thank you to everyone on SR that allowed me to work through these exceptionally strong feelings.
It is my hope I'll recognize what they are next time and more quickly resort to ASKING FOR SUPPORT.
I bought that bottle, I dumped that bottle, I know where that road leads.
I Love You for being here when I needed you. A different path; a different result. Huh. Now I'll go process that one with a blissful cup of green tea! Look there; I've renewed my gratefulness for that simple pleasure while going through the rough. Guess I forgot "thROUGH" can entail the rough. I'm beginning to suspect it doesn't have to. I'll bet the OT know what I mean.
Hi Choicy x
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: MI, USA
Posts: 234
Readings
Innerlook quote:
Repeating Patterns
The relationship dynamics that I recreate and reenact over and over and over again send up a red flag marking the spot of where my unconscious pain lies. When I see a dysfunctional relationship pattern in my life repeat and repeat itself, when the relationships are different but the pattern is the same, I will stop, look and listen. This is where I will dig for water, where I will mine for gold. When I can understand where these patterns started and took hold, when I can feel the unfelt pain, fear, anger or sadness that hold them in place, the well will open and the waters of my unconscious will flow freely again. When I cannot feel those difficult feelings, I act them out through a blindly recreating the same sorts of situations and dynamics that I am most afraid of, that I most wish to avoid or that hurt me in my past in a way that I am afraid to feel.
I will allow myself to see and feel what drives me from underneath
Repetition compulsion is psychological phenomenon in which a person repeats a traumatic event or its circumstances over and over again. This includes reenacting the event or putting oneself in situations that have a high probability of the event occurring again. This "re-living" can also take the form of dreams, repeating the story of what happened, and even hallucination.
(source unknown)
Mirrors mirrors everywhere and I can't always recognize my own face!
Peace
Repeating Patterns
The relationship dynamics that I recreate and reenact over and over and over again send up a red flag marking the spot of where my unconscious pain lies. When I see a dysfunctional relationship pattern in my life repeat and repeat itself, when the relationships are different but the pattern is the same, I will stop, look and listen. This is where I will dig for water, where I will mine for gold. When I can understand where these patterns started and took hold, when I can feel the unfelt pain, fear, anger or sadness that hold them in place, the well will open and the waters of my unconscious will flow freely again. When I cannot feel those difficult feelings, I act them out through a blindly recreating the same sorts of situations and dynamics that I am most afraid of, that I most wish to avoid or that hurt me in my past in a way that I am afraid to feel.
I will allow myself to see and feel what drives me from underneath
Repetition compulsion is psychological phenomenon in which a person repeats a traumatic event or its circumstances over and over again. This includes reenacting the event or putting oneself in situations that have a high probability of the event occurring again. This "re-living" can also take the form of dreams, repeating the story of what happened, and even hallucination.
(source unknown)
Mirrors mirrors everywhere and I can't always recognize my own face!
Peace
and hug for
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