Choicy

Once I was visible.
But that was a long time ago.

Where do you suggest I start?

Please don't say a meeting.
I'm here. It's the best I can do

WONdering about an on-line sponsor?
Any experience?

keeppushing

Read the posts, especially the stickies. Write and reflect, on the forums or a private journal. Understand what all the main different plans are. Prepare yourself for a lot of mental anguish before you get to the good part.

KP

ScottFromWI

Welcome Choicy. There are many ways to seek sobriety, AA is merely one. Have a read on this link and you'll see what I mean. Getting sober is all about what you are willing to do, not what you "won't or can't" do.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

Meanwhile, stick around - there's lots of good info and those who understand here.

Nonsensical

Welcome to SR, Choicy!
You're visible here, my friend!
Stick with it and you'll be surprised how much better your best will get.

Cholula

Day 2 here and this forum rocks if you want / need to talk. So far nothing but great advice and love. I've never done this before and this forum is the key for me so far.

Choicy

I have worked the 12 steps, both AA and NA, alone, since 2004.
I have breathed in the Big Book and especially NA basic text and It Works how/why.
I am an addict.
How important is it to join someone real, somewhere, in your opinion (s).
Thank you for hearing me. I belong everywhere and nowhere it seems.

Choicy

I don't ever, apparently, sound desperate. I am.

Choicy

I have taken myself as far as I can alone, and in private therapy.
There are recovering addicts all around me. How did you get to your first meeting. I can no longer run.

ScottFromWI

In my opinion that's a question that only you can answer. My personal sobriety "plan" has been to use SR on a daily basis, use the support of my family and also use therapy and mindfulness/meditation to handle some of the underlying anxiety issues that I have in my life.

If you can identify the needs you have to grow personally and deal with any issue you have completely virtually, then that is great. Some people who are placebound or remotely located rely very heavily on virtual sources of support. On the other hand, if you have local resources that help and you can take advantage of, don't rule them out. And I'm not talking specifically about AA meetings. There are other secular recovery groups that meet. Counseling and even volunteering/service organizations are good local sources of support.

Choicy

How did you get to your first meeting?

teatreeoil007

Believe it or not, Choicy-you are in a good place of honest, desperate, soul searching...being in that 'place' can lead onto an amazing path...you've already taken the first few steps of being honest with yourself and reaching out-asking for help.

Desperation as a state of being is often AVOIDED by many because it feels uncomfortable...but I say it's OKAY to be desperate..in fact it's good to be desperate because being desperate spurs one into ACTION...

All for now...take care...

Blessed Be...

ccam1973

Welcome Choicy.

You're probably going to get a lot of responses on your topic. I was lost when I accidentally stumbled on SR. I didn't know where to turn and thought this problem was unique to me.

I spent a couple of weeks just reading old threads and posts here at SR. I finally realized there were others like me and if they had the strength to quit, then I would give it a try as well.

I quickly learned that just giving it a try was no where near the determination I would need to get my life back. 21 years of heavy, daily drinking doesn't just correct itself without a lot of will power and hard work.

Choicy, you can do this. Envision what you want to get out of your tomorrow and make it happen. My vision started simply by wanting to wake up tomorrow sober, with a somewhat clear head and not hating myself for throwing away my life for a drink.

With a little time under your belt, your vision will expand and include things other than just not drinking. Life is so much richer and fulfilling when your every move and thought isn't controlled by drinking.

You can do this, lean on us as much as you need to help get you to where you want to be.

loulou1981

Hey, welcome, I joined back in 2011, but I wasn't ready for change & only logged on a couple of times, I'm determined this time to beat it!!! It's a long road ahead, but hoping a clearer 1!!

feeling-good

Choicy

How I got to my first meeting was I drove my own car to where the meeting was and I just went in - I had ~no~ idea what to expect, but I knew I had to at least find out if this was where I would get help....

....long story... but now, right now, I am just over 1,000 days sober. I regularly go to 2 AA meetings every week and attend Intergroup when I can. For me, AA didn't get me sober, but without a doubt it ~keeps~ me sober.

Does this help at all? I truly do understand the being absolutely desperate inside but it not really showing to the outside world.

Dee74

Great advice here so I'll just say welcome Choicy and LouLou

D

Choicy

I want to throw up thinking of coming clean to those I know are at meetings. I can't stomach how hypocritical I have been. If I go out of town, I feel like I'm just being stupid. I want control over who I let in. That's not really worth dying over, is it? Feels like I'm something special, but I'm not. My family is gunna be super pissed. I fear for my safety if I come out for help. High school all over again. I don't feel like I can hide anymore though. I want to live. After all this I want to live.

Dee74

What about your safety if you keep drinking?

D

keeppushing

That sounds more like shame than physical safety. Maybe emotional safety? My view is anybody who tries to use this to shame you is someone who is hurting you right now, and you would be well rid of them.

KP

Berrybean

I emailed the AA helpline (hard of hearing so not keen on telephone) and a really nice local person from AA contacted me back. They explained about meetings, and offered to meet me (in a public place) before a meeting so that I wouldn't have to walk in alone. Actually I didn't take them up on it - but just that initial conversation with real person from the fellowship in my area made a big difference, and that they would be expecting me.

I am working the steps with my sponsor. I don't think I could have done them as thoroughly alone. And the Step 5 and Step 12 work, I don't understand how it's possible to do alone really. I def think its worth trying to get to a meeting and getting a sponsor.

If you contact the help line for your area, then you can ask which meeting might be best for you. For example, a smaller one; or a more structured one if you want to focus more on the Big Book and steps. Or a women only one, or whatever. All meetings are not the same. Some I find very uplifting and supportive. My home group is like stepping into a warm bath. But I have been to some that haven't been such positive experiences, so if they can advise you of a good one to start with it could really make a difference.

Things can get better. But if nothing changes, nothing changes. Good luck

Berrybean

Why not go out of town for a couple, then see how you feel? It's not a case of stupid or not, it's a case of what would make you feel able to make that first move to getting to meetings.

Just try to remember that EVERYONE in those meetings will remember their first meeting. They know your pain, and understand your shame and anxiety. It's common to the rooms. The other thing that is common to the rooms is that disparity between our insides and our outsides, which I think you mean when you accuse yourself of being a hypocrite. We have all worked hard to maintain an illusion of coping. Of being fine. You will be amazed what a relief it is to shed that disguise and acknowledge your true feelings to people who understand what you're going through.

Can I just sign off with the promises? I hope you don't mind, but your posts remind me so much of my own desperation at the start of my journey. I didn't believe these promises could ever come true for me, but they are doing just that. It's pretty amazing...

The AA Promises
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them. (-Alcoholics Anonymous p83-84)