breath

It's not about willpower; it's about willingness. Are we willing to do whatever it takes? Most of us find we can't do it alone; and if we say no to anything, we may be saying no to sobriety.
Hav eyou considered online meetings? I go to live AA meetings and the related activities; I also attend a variety of online meetings.
For me, being willing has opened up many doors that could have remained closed if I wasn't willing to open them; and doing so I have found so much that has contributed to a sober life. It scares me to think that I could have denied myself these opportunities as they have been very fullfilling, and I am grateful for them all.

Choicy

I moved ahead so fast and furious at times, I became furious. I chose Yes out of desperation and illness. I wasn't sure what I was doing. I say yes to what is coming into my life now, instead of trying to control it (ha!)...I still want to go through the 12 steps with a sponsor. Whichever program, isn't the point to trust God, another and myself, no matter what program?

I answer to the NA basic text now, because I realize I thought I had a simple alcohol problem, but I switched one addiction for another and couldn't admit that I was avoiding life and feeling BUSY just made me empty at the end of the day. I was still running. I've been chasing my tail for a Long Time.

Group is a huge mountain for me for various abuse reasons.

Choicy

Dear God,


I Am Willing Today


I say Yes.

Choicy

I have found I recognize myself in others so clearly, I lose my inner voice. Or maybe it's just my insecurity.

I understand what you are saying about finding a home but I don't ever feel it. Was there a moment you decided to join in? Did it come out of being "sick and tired" or was it gradual, after attending?
Are there certain people you look forward to seeing?

Is it the environment?
Most people I know here, in NA, "have to" go to meetings/social events or "they will die."

Is all dependency unhealthy at some point?

Fly N Buy

[QUOTE=Choicy;5640611]I have found I recognize myself in others so clearly, I lose my inner voice. Or maybe it's just my insecurity.

Choicy,

I am glad your'e posting!! If you want it out, type it out!!

When I continued to drink/use I had no idea who I was or what I was. I blew around life like a dried up leaf - impulsive, immature decisions ruled the day.

As I gain in sober time my head cleared up more and more. I am still very much learning the "how to " be sober part. But simply removing the toxins causes dramatic change to occur. I could not continue to drink and expect the same brain that kept me drunk to get me sober.

Other posted of willingness. I had to be willing to walk in the door - then I had to accept my circumstances for what they were and who I was.

Then I accepted the solution - that can be the part many never get to.


Keep posting - you are not alone and don't have to get sober by yourself!!

tursiops999

Hi Choicy -- I'm glad to see you posting ... We're here for you.

When I was first getting sober, I guess I was "dependent" on going to meetings frequently, to support my choice and to teach me new ways of living. I'd call that a healthy dependency though, because it helped me to change for the better.

Now my relationship to meetings is changing ... I still go, but less often, and not out of fear or dependency. I go to support others, I go to see people whom I've come to care about, and I go for continued support and learning. It's such a different way of coping that it takes ongoing practice.

I do try to cultivate willingness... Over time I've been able to do things that I initially really resisted (I was deathly afraid to share in meetings, now I do it and am reasonably comfortable, but it took awhile).

The willingness to start with a baby step or two...I just had to open the door a crack.

Keep posting, maybe it will help?

Soberwolf

You can do this Choicy I don't think being dependent on mtns of any kind is unhealthy when it keeps the person healthy know SR is here 24/7 and know your not alone keep up the good work Choicy

teatreeoil007

This....

I am the type of person who has always had a very strong will power...but the more I live the more I realize that my will power definitely has LIMITS and doesn't carry me as far as I think it should...what I really need is willingNESS...and willingNESS is quite an amazing thing...that can take me places I never thought I could go and enable me to do oh so much more that is good, healthy, right, enriching, joyful and most of all brings PEACE.

And...willingness is something I need to commit to daily....

Thx for sharing your helpful thoughts!

Blessed Be...

Choicy

I realize I have a friend I may need to stop seeing. I don't want to. He does not bring me to a physically comfortable place. .. I am overly excited and absolutely drawn to him. He is in recovery. I like that. He is calm. I love that. He lives across the hall. I don't mind that.

I feel I could use him as my next new addiction.

And die a little bit every time I leave his presence.

It's not really him. It's me. But I can feel that old ego jumping in my chest...more more more.

I've not dated for 9 years.

I don't want to advertise this.

But I need to start talking about my control issues more transparently and less generally. And I want to try to put it right out here.

Please share if you can. I can be alone but isolating is dangerous. Reciprocating friendships...who has them? How fulfilling are they? Can opposite sexes be just friends? Can it only happen through a computer???

I can't fulfill the worthlessness in my head with something outside myself. My DOC changes form, but brings me back to hell. I wont go.

I can't fill the void.

I surrender.
I surrender.
I surrender.

Choicy

What am I trying to do?

Quoted from Just For Today:

The resurrection of our emotions, our spirits, and our physical health takes time.
The more experience we gain in living, rather than merely existing, the more we understand...Traveling, playing with a small child, making love, expanding our intellectual horizons, and forming relationships are among the endless activities that say, “I’m alive.” We discover...[and] have a second chance.

Just for today this is enough for me.


Thank you for being here, soberwolf, teatreeoil007, tursiops999, Fly N Buy, breath, LexieCat, thomas11, Purpleknight, JimC60, Cauliflower, Verdantia, Beccybean & you.

SereneEdition

Welcome Choicy -

In the beginning I was afraid that I would bump into someone I know and be 'found out', so I didn't go to AA. Instead I did join the class thread here on SR. It was incredibly helpful to have the support and community during the recovery journey.

Maybe it is a good starting place for you too until you feel that you're ready to go to a meeting?

Hope you find the support that you are looking for.

Choicy

I am breaking out out the isolation, one vehicle at a time I suppose.
Thanks for joining me here.

If I...
Push too fast; I go back ward
Step too slowly and I go no where.

It's good to be connected in a way that makes me want to
step forward.

Choicy

I quickly talked to my neighbor yesterday and I WAS VULNERABLE. Turns out he's a bit skitterish too because we don't know whatever the connection is between us and both want to be respectful and are wary.
Because I don't have to know where this is taking me, I'll sit in these emotions and quit letting my ego take to crazy places, today. Right now I'll breathe and think, wow grown-ups talk to one another about how they're feeling, and no one has to duck.

I have pushed down real feelings for A long time, it's surprising when they come up, more than full force. But they passed as soon as I
explained out loud that
I feared my feelings have too much immediacy.
I knew it was truthful.

Then they were replaced with other anxiety and excited and dread feelings until I got out of the house and met a friend...

I think this SR family makes me want to try some action and trust.

Thanks specifically to Fly n Buy, teatreeoil007, Beckybean, and SereneEdition today.

Choicy

I believe every time I experience confusion I am in in the midst of an internal conflict.

Also, I'm probably being judgmental.


If I can surrender to my HP; am I led to a more clear choice?

The addict or the Forgiven.

Peace, or rage.

separate, or Join.

fear, or Love.

Man it's hard to get there some days. I can sit in it for a long time.

teatreeoil007

It's great to see you putting more profound thoughts and feelings out there/here. Wow.

I tend to think that confusion is a sign/signal of internal conflict. or even external conflict. And we can act on that confusion or let it play out...and wait until things become more clear and less conflicted. It's sort of natural to wish to avoid conflict; whether it's conflict within or conflict without. And, contradiction usually points us to deeper truths if we are aware and become more aware.

If know for myself I do not always wish to accept those deeper 'truths' and will deny them for awhile...sometimes a long while before I accept them. But accepting them can often bring more peace into my life.

Keep it up, Choicy!

Blessed Be...

teatreeoil007

This.

Amen!

Choicy

My inner patterns make me so sick of myself. When I am so hard on myself I learn nothing. I am determined to see things differently.
I have met a lot of new people lately and it is too much for me.
I am scared of living. I am scared to relapse. Apparently, I am periodically scared because "the sky is blue." This is the constant struggle I find my self in, repeatedly.

Shouldn't I know by now simple choices like who to spend time with and Who is good for me?

Choicy

Holiday Time.

Just want back in that hole.

But this year I have SR.

Please excuse the random weirdness that may come from my posts in the coming months...

Please love me anyway.

Dee74

Choicy - maybe joining an established thread as well as this one would be good for you?

Have you checked out The Class of November or the Under One Year threads?

there's a lot of friendly helpful people here who would love to meet you - but no pressure

D

tursiops999

Hi Choicy ... holidays are tough, for sure. Be as weird as you need to -- some of us are weird too.