Once
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: MI, USA
Posts: 234
Thank you all. I am so glad I can read your thoughts here, (and it applies directly to me?!?!) It might take me a little while to get used to this positive attention. Maybe if I keep coming back here, I'll be able to commit to a meeting.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Originally Posted by Choicy 
It might take me a little while to get used to this positive attention. .
take care...
Blessed Be...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: St.Petersburg, FL.
Posts: 1,077
Hello Choicy,
You are visible here and at SR you are in a good place. Lots of great advice in this thread from people who care and deeply understand. I have been to many AA meetings and they helped me a lot. The people there will have nothing but support for you. There is a better, sober life out there; it's very hard but you can do this!
You are visible here and at SR you are in a good place. Lots of great advice in this thread from people who care and deeply understand. I have been to many AA meetings and they helped me a lot. The people there will have nothing but support for you. There is a better, sober life out there; it's very hard but you can do this!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: MI, USA
Posts: 234
Pathways
Choices
I was made hard.
I became weak.
I was drawn to weaknesses
Reveled in anger
Afraid of the strength of my own fear
Reflected in everyone around me
I Feigned Strength not knowing what true strength was.
Still seeking, I have become soft.
Hating myself brought me to depths only you know
Others still could not see me behind the veil of flippantry.
Wicked humor projecting faux confidence
A planet of my own making-
Reeking of unfelt desire
Covered by a haze of delightful nonfeeling
Until I was nonhuman.
I am seeking that True Strength.
I am listening.
I am ok being soft if it will lead me to becoming
Strong.
But never again do I wish to be hard.
After unraveling myself
will I find what I was always meant to be?
Is there me- still -underneath?
Is there stillness underneath?
After listening to so many other hurting voices,
All life-long,
will I now be able
to
see
You
in Me?
and remember who I really am?
I was made hard.
I became weak.
I was drawn to weaknesses
Reveled in anger
Afraid of the strength of my own fear
Reflected in everyone around me
I Feigned Strength not knowing what true strength was.
Still seeking, I have become soft.
Hating myself brought me to depths only you know
Others still could not see me behind the veil of flippantry.
Wicked humor projecting faux confidence
A planet of my own making-
Reeking of unfelt desire
Covered by a haze of delightful nonfeeling
Until I was nonhuman.
I am seeking that True Strength.
I am listening.
I am ok being soft if it will lead me to becoming
Strong.
But never again do I wish to be hard.
After unraveling myself
will I find what I was always meant to be?
Is there me- still -underneath?
Is there stillness underneath?
After listening to so many other hurting voices,
All life-long,
will I now be able
to
see
You
in Me?
and remember who I really am?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,578
Originally Posted by Choicy
Can anyone share about deciding to go to their first meeting, and what significance it had? I'm finally ready, and not.
I had been thinking about needing to quit, for awhile ... probably a year or two. I never seriously tried to quit ... I would think about it in the morning, and say to myself "I really need to stop, I'll try not to drink tonight ... or maybe I'll just change to drinking on the weekends ... or maybe I'll just strictly stick to one drink a night" ... but none of these things ever happened. Somehow by 6 pm, I always had an excuse ... it had been a hard day ... or maybe a really good day and I wanted to celebrate ... and so I'd drink. I didn't have any DUI's, or lost jobs, or ultimatums from family, but I was addicted to alcohol and unhappy and tired of it.
I'd looked online for the AA schedule ... I had never been to a meeting, but I had known some people in recovery many years ago ... so I knew that it was possible to recover.
On September 6, 2014, I was driving to the grocery store in the afternoon. I thought to myself, "It's never going to be a good day to quit. It's not about deciding, because it will never really make sense and part of me will never be ready. It's just about doing it ... it's about taking action and just getting help and doing it."
As I was driving, I remembered that there was a women's AA meeting about to start, near the grocery store. I turned left instead of right, and parked in front of the meeting place. I walked in crying, not knowing what to expect, but knowing I wanted to be done with this stupid struggle. I put myself in their hands and did what was suggested.
And I haven't had a drink since.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Choicy, thank you for the pm. I read this thread you started and thought I'd share few things with you here.
I see you've posted where you've read the text of Alcoholics Anonymous and done self guided step work. I did some of this as well years ago. For me it was like trying to bake a cake without ever having seen or tasted the final product. I really couldn't understand what sugar, flour, butter, eggs and milk could turn into.
Remember the story of the 3 blind men trying to describe an elephant? Each touched different parts - the tail, leg and trunk -- describing the animal the best they could, but never getting the complete picture.
That is kind of like doing step work in some regards for me by myself. I learned I need to have three things in order to evoke a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps - honesty, open mindedness and willingness. But how I learn or get closer to these lofty characteristics ? I must be around others who can show me the way.
Big Book study is unlike doing algebra, which I can learn from a book. There's a term called tacit knowledge. I pulled this from Wiki for easy explanation = tacit knowledge is the kind of knowledge that is difficult to transfer to another person by means of writing it down or verbalizing it.
For example, that London is in the United Kingdom is a piece of explicit knowledge that can be written down, transmitted, and understood by a recipient. However, the ability to speak a language, knead dough, play a musical instrument or design and use complex equipment requires all sorts of knowledge that is not always known explicitly, even by expert practitioners, and which is difficult or impossible to explicitly transfer to other users.
My experience is this type of knowledge transference is the most important part of what we get in meetings.
I went to my first meeting around 1982 - I was given something to read by a gent who was homeless and had few teeth, It contained the word anonymity which I could not pronounce. He corrected me - I resented the fact he knew something I didn't, was embarrassed and did not go back to meeting for 20 years.
On June 8th, 2014 I had my last drink. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. The reflection of my despair in my loved ones eyes was all I could see. Everyone walked around me on egg shells looking cowed. I was hopeful my heart palpitations were the warning sign of an impending heart attack and I would die soon. All would be better off.
For some reason I had a little moment of clarity - I looked in the mirror and put down the relief valve I had in my hand. I cried for a long, long time - alone. It was very late and I did not sleep much if at all. June 9th was a Monday morning - I took walk with my dog and contemplated my life. Was this really the guy I had become? Is this the way I wanted to end up - dead at 54 years old, a drunk.
I went to an AA meeting, I cried like a spoiled child who was full of guilt and shame for their bad behavior. I picked up a 24 hr chip. The next day I went back, I went again and again. I went over 100 times in three months. I got a sponsor, did step work - shared when I did not want to an kept going back. Around this time the obsession to drink was removed - I no longer had a compulsion to do anything but be sober. Several months later I smoked my last cigarette- tossed em down and removed all traces of nicotine from my system, forever. I found SR in July of that year - it is like a 24/7 meeting - that day I discovered the meaning of God does for me today what I can't do for myself. I had found another home, a place like the island of broken toys where I belong.
You can Choicy, better than ever imagined - Drop the rock and come join us!
Warm Regards,
Fly
Originally Posted by Choicy
How did you get to your first meeting?
Remember the story of the 3 blind men trying to describe an elephant? Each touched different parts - the tail, leg and trunk -- describing the animal the best they could, but never getting the complete picture.
That is kind of like doing step work in some regards for me by myself. I learned I need to have three things in order to evoke a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps - honesty, open mindedness and willingness. But how I learn or get closer to these lofty characteristics ? I must be around others who can show me the way.
Big Book study is unlike doing algebra, which I can learn from a book. There's a term called tacit knowledge. I pulled this from Wiki for easy explanation = tacit knowledge is the kind of knowledge that is difficult to transfer to another person by means of writing it down or verbalizing it.
For example, that London is in the United Kingdom is a piece of explicit knowledge that can be written down, transmitted, and understood by a recipient. However, the ability to speak a language, knead dough, play a musical instrument or design and use complex equipment requires all sorts of knowledge that is not always known explicitly, even by expert practitioners, and which is difficult or impossible to explicitly transfer to other users.
My experience is this type of knowledge transference is the most important part of what we get in meetings.
I went to my first meeting around 1982 - I was given something to read by a gent who was homeless and had few teeth, It contained the word anonymity which I could not pronounce. He corrected me - I resented the fact he knew something I didn't, was embarrassed and did not go back to meeting for 20 years.
On June 8th, 2014 I had my last drink. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. The reflection of my despair in my loved ones eyes was all I could see. Everyone walked around me on egg shells looking cowed. I was hopeful my heart palpitations were the warning sign of an impending heart attack and I would die soon. All would be better off.
For some reason I had a little moment of clarity - I looked in the mirror and put down the relief valve I had in my hand. I cried for a long, long time - alone. It was very late and I did not sleep much if at all. June 9th was a Monday morning - I took walk with my dog and contemplated my life. Was this really the guy I had become? Is this the way I wanted to end up - dead at 54 years old, a drunk.
I went to an AA meeting, I cried like a spoiled child who was full of guilt and shame for their bad behavior. I picked up a 24 hr chip. The next day I went back, I went again and again. I went over 100 times in three months. I got a sponsor, did step work - shared when I did not want to an kept going back. Around this time the obsession to drink was removed - I no longer had a compulsion to do anything but be sober. Several months later I smoked my last cigarette- tossed em down and removed all traces of nicotine from my system, forever. I found SR in July of that year - it is like a 24/7 meeting - that day I discovered the meaning of God does for me today what I can't do for myself. I had found another home, a place like the island of broken toys where I belong.
Originally Posted by Choicy
I want to throw up thinking of coming clean to those I know are at meetings. I can't stomach how hypocritical I have been. If I go out of town, I feel like I'm just being stupid. I want control over who I let in. That's not really worth dying over, is it? Feels like I'm something special, but I'm not. My family is gunna be super pissed. I fear for my safety if I come out for help. High school all over again. I don't feel like I can hide anymore though. I want to live. After all this I want to live.
Warm Regards,
Fly
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Hi Choicy and welcome. As you can see your post garnered a lot of responses. Lots of collective wisdom has been presented to you. I would say grab that which applies to you, or resonates with you and use it.
I read fear in your posts, we all have feared something at one point or another. You stated you want to live. If you want to truly live, you must overcome fear. In doing so you will have to break barriers, in doing so you may experience some failure, and of course success. You must learn how to cope with both failure and success. All I can say with certainty is that you will experience none of it unless you try, and that's all anyone can ask of themselves. Wish you the best.
I read fear in your posts, we all have feared something at one point or another. You stated you want to live. If you want to truly live, you must overcome fear. In doing so you will have to break barriers, in doing so you may experience some failure, and of course success. You must learn how to cope with both failure and success. All I can say with certainty is that you will experience none of it unless you try, and that's all anyone can ask of themselves. Wish you the best.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Sounds to me like you were sober for a while, then started drinking (while pretending you were still sober) and now you're worried what everyone will think of you if you come in and admit it and ask for help. Am I right?
I can tell you I've met MANY people in AA with your story. Many who were terribly ashamed to admit that they had not been honest about their drinking.
Know what? Every one of them was welcomed back with open arms. We get it--lying goes hand in hand with drinking. You aren't a horrible person, you are a sick alcoholic just like the rest of us. We want you to get better, to be happy again.
It's possible, but not as long as you try to keep hiding from the people who can help you. If it's too hard to walk in by yourself, try calling ONE PERSON from your old group to come and talk with you and take you to a meeting. Or if that's too hard, call Intergroup and ask them to send someone to talk with you and take you to a meeting.
How bad do you want it?
I can tell you I've met MANY people in AA with your story. Many who were terribly ashamed to admit that they had not been honest about their drinking.
Know what? Every one of them was welcomed back with open arms. We get it--lying goes hand in hand with drinking. You aren't a horrible person, you are a sick alcoholic just like the rest of us. We want you to get better, to be happy again.
It's possible, but not as long as you try to keep hiding from the people who can help you. If it's too hard to walk in by yourself, try calling ONE PERSON from your old group to come and talk with you and take you to a meeting. Or if that's too hard, call Intergroup and ask them to send someone to talk with you and take you to a meeting.
How bad do you want it?
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