Aellyce

Hello

Still from Europe. Still dealing with all the things left over from my dad: material, emotional, intellectual, and everything else. And many many bits and pieces of my history, including reconnecting with quite a few people from my past. This is now an incredible experience for me in so many ways... I never in my life imagined I would do all this until a couple weeks ago.

Tonight I feel nostalgic again... during the day I interact with relatives I thought I would never see again... and in the evenings, for example today, I'm looking at the family photo albums. It's quite an intense reality check for me! Also to hear from family members and old friends how, they think, my parents saw me and related to me. That active alcoholic ~8 years distorted everything very strongly, I am now 100% confident.

Anyhow, for some reason this song keeps playing in my mind today, even though it's really not an accurate expression of the true "here and now", at all. But I pay attention to my automatic thoughts and feelings, and this (now, luckily, broken) fantasy.

I had some desire for drinking today -- I guess probably why this song came back also. And some desire for sharing it with my beloved SR fellows. But it's mostly just a diffuse feeling and it does now have much power... more just some associations.

Thanks for listening

PasserbyDave

Aellyce, you have my prayers. My wife and I went through this, many years ago. We have never forgotten the little one we lost. His soul is with us still. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband.

ardy

Dearest Father in Heaven please hear our prayers for this young Mother to be.. Aellyce ... grant her peace in her body.. wellness of her unborn child.. hold them in the palm of your hand guide her heart lungs and child to a better end of the day.. Let them rest and regain their well being for a child to appear and enjoy the love of a Mother at your Christmas season.. we ask this with all of our heart my Soul as an Old Mom.. and on bended knee please hear our prayers......

Venecia

Glad to hear this experience has opened doors for you. You sound good, dear Aellyce.

Thinking of you, too, PasserbyDave.

Venecia

Ardy, what a nice prayer -- very thoughtful of you.

I don't know how often Aellyce is checking from Europe. I'm hoping that I'm not overstepping my boundaries by sharing Aellyce posted some weeks back that her pregnancy ended in a stillbirth. From your post, I got the impression you weren't aware she is no longer expecting. (If I'm not right, my apologies.)

Still, a very kindly message. Whenever I read your posts, you always are thinking of others here on SR. (((Ardy)))

Soberwolf

Keeping you in my thoughts & prayers Aellyce

Aellyce

Yeah I don't check in multiple times a day or even every day now, but here I am now

PasserbyDave Thank you so much, and same thoughts for you and your wife. My husband and I seem to find some solace in not only our strong intimate relationship, but also in things that interest both of us: art, philosophy, psychology... any form of self-expression, together or individually.

ardy -- what a beautiful prayer indeed. And yes, exactly: we look forward to this Christmas season to merge even more deeply with these experiences... and also to emerge from it.

Venecia... thank you very much, my friend, again I often start to feel you as not only a friend here, but also a protector that I've never had

Thanks wolfie

ardy

oh ladies I had no idea... young lady my heart breaks for you. and that little one.. of Faith and Hope and possiblities... peace young Mom. for the time to have little ones will be there when the Lord is ready for your life to hold one tight.. love and hugs from wisconsin ardy... its been a long day.. tissue please. thank you...

Justincredible

Aellyce,

I'm glad you are having some fulfilling experiences in Europe. You seem to be doing well and I was glad to come across this update! I also find it admirable that with your length of sobriety you have the courage to acknowledge a craving; it shows that you are a very aware and conscientious person. Sending out some good vibes and positive thoughts. Keep us posted on your journey!

Justin

Aellyce

Thanks, Justin. I do feel that I'm doing well. As for the drinking thoughts, I think that it's better to acknowledge them no matter what stage of sobriety. I think it's important to remain aware of these things, it does not mean at all that there is anxiety or fear of relapsing associated with the thoughts and feelings (those I have not experienced for a good while), but for me my addiction will always remain part of my reality, my life experience, my personality... I like to view life as a dynamic continuum where past-present-future are always interrelated and feed upon each-other rather than something composed of isolated compartments or time windows. (This is my conclusion re the question I was contemplating earlier on this thread about "moving on". There really is no need to move on as everything we experience gets built into us and most likely influences the future.)

I also find it beneficial to write about my impulses here -- where else if not on SR?

More on the topic I started to write about yesterday. I'm still in awe with the effects and the experience of being here, going through old stuff, reconnecting with people from my past etc. Living this is so much richer than just talking about it (in therapy, for example)... and like I said yesterday, I feel it has amazing opportunities for reality checks that could not happen otherwise. I tend to have very good intellectual insights into my life experience and personality, cause-effect relationships etc, but physically encountering these old "cues" and people bring back emotional memories that did not surface earlier when I was just "analyzing" all this from a distance or with the help of transference feelings. It becomes so much more complete and accurate this way, diving into the source and origin directly! It's also quite fascinating how distance view and time can distort memories and perceptions -- of course there is good reason for this in our personal development, but I am much happier now getting even closer to the reality of it. I think I'll never get bored with peeling off these layers, seeing how everything is connected and how this "base" contributes to forming my present and future, of course with a lot of freedom as I passionately believe in individual freedom, flexibility, plasticity and potential. For me the searching and understanding is not only helpful but also a lot of fun. Discussing it included

I think next time I'll probably open a new thread with a topic that is not so much about me only as this one has come quite far from the original reason why I started it, and I also feel pretty far from that original state now.

trachemys

You're one of our Titans, Aellyce.

Hawkeye13

Sending you good wishes Aellyce--visit sounds quite cathartic for you in a good and cleansing way

Aellyce

Okay, one more update on this thread and then I'll let it go. But this is interesting...

In ~30 mins, I'm leaving my childhood home behind definitively. I sold it to a great family, good people as far as I could see, people I would be happy to be friends with also in my current city of residence. I have not lived here for >15 years, only visited occasionally while my parents were still around, so it's not that it's a brand new separation, more like closure, and it's been a pretty thorough closure with much more than just the place in the past month. It's still quite weird. I'm more than happy to go back to the place I call home now though

trachemys

peaceful closure to you, Aellyce.

Dee74

I find it strange I can go look at my childhood home now on Google maps...and it's not my home anymore. Someone else owns it, & they've changed it. It's not mine anymore.

All the memories though, good and bad, they stay with me - they're mine and no one else can touch them.

bon voyage Aellyce

D