I need good thoughts and prayers
I'm so, so sorry.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
OK, here is something I find especially difficult. Talked about it with my therapist yesterday but still. My husband had a marriage before me, over 20 years ago, he married an active drug addict. She died of an overdose in the first year of their marriage. There is this element of repetition compulsion (even after 20 years) in our relationship from his side now, we discussed it many times. Was a main reason why I did not want anything with him for years after we met and it became obvious we both had feelings for each-other. I just liked him too much and did not want me to be yet another traumatic experience. But so now I feel now I am.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,435
Aellyce, you're not a traumatic experience - you've been through one - there is a difference.
You're not an addict, you're an addict in recovery - there's an important distinction there too.
It says a lot that your thinking about your husband right now more than yourself, but the trauma happened to you both.
None of this is your fault.
Noone is to blame- it's just a dreadful thing that happened.
Regardless of what issues you and your husband bring to the table from your past, I'm sure you two can get through this together
D
You're not an addict, you're an addict in recovery - there's an important distinction there too.
It says a lot that your thinking about your husband right now more than yourself, but the trauma happened to you both.
None of this is your fault.
Noone is to blame- it's just a dreadful thing that happened.
Regardless of what issues you and your husband bring to the table from your past, I'm sure you two can get through this together
D
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,039
It sounds like what you're saying is that your husband is scared, and the recent loss -- and probably the fear of losing you as well -- is bringing up past pain.
You can't resolve his fears & pain, and they're not your responsibility. You can remind him that you're you and this is now, and the future is always -- even when it doesn't seem so -- different from the past. Hopefully your sobriety will help you cope well, and that will soothe his fears. But it's 100% ok for you to have the personal space as an individual to express & experience this trauma. You need to deal with yourself first, as he does with himself. My 2 cents.
You can't resolve his fears & pain, and they're not your responsibility. You can remind him that you're you and this is now, and the future is always -- even when it doesn't seem so -- different from the past. Hopefully your sobriety will help you cope well, and that will soothe his fears. But it's 100% ok for you to have the personal space as an individual to express & experience this trauma. You need to deal with yourself first, as he does with himself. My 2 cents.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
I agree with courage in that you both need to deal individually, but you also are a team,
and the trauma you've just experienced can also be catalyst for moving through the past pain and becoming stronger as a couple.
You, him, us--none of us have to stay broken Aellyce
We're just in the habit of thinking ourselves that way, if that makes any sense.
and the trauma you've just experienced can also be catalyst for moving through the past pain and becoming stronger as a couple.
You, him, us--none of us have to stay broken Aellyce
We're just in the habit of thinking ourselves that way, if that makes any sense.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
We don't get to pick and choose our traumatic events in life, and none of us escape untouched. Traumatic loss always stirs up feelings around past experiences of loss, even though we are very good at denying this. Denial is a natural means of self-protection that we eventually must work through in order to heal, in order move on in life. I'm certain that both of you are aware of this.
One of the best places to start is by acknowledging the extent of the loss. And I can't emphasize enough the importance of what others have said, that this is not at all your fault, and neither are the reverberations attached to it.
Many people here consider you to be their friend, and they generally express their affection for you freely. You have a good therapist. You and your husband have have each other and whatever other supports you have in place. In most cases, the challenges of married life are enormous, and few of them are managed perfectly. This is not a process in which you need to get everything "right." Nor do you need to pressure yourself to "fix" your husband's struggles.
I hope you can allow yourself to feel your feelings. Be good to yourself.
Stay together. Alone and together.
One of the best places to start is by acknowledging the extent of the loss. And I can't emphasize enough the importance of what others have said, that this is not at all your fault, and neither are the reverberations attached to it.
Many people here consider you to be their friend, and they generally express their affection for you freely. You have a good therapist. You and your husband have have each other and whatever other supports you have in place. In most cases, the challenges of married life are enormous, and few of them are managed perfectly. This is not a process in which you need to get everything "right." Nor do you need to pressure yourself to "fix" your husband's struggles.
I hope you can allow yourself to feel your feelings. Be good to yourself.
Stay together. Alone and together.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
I completely agree with all the observations and suggestions you guys have made. It's again one of those states when my awareness and rationality is in direct opposition with my emotions, which is of course one of the most ordinary dilemmas and conflicts human beings commonly experience. Oh, and I know I should not think about it as "ordinary", that's just me trying to devalue my feelings, a form of denial if we want.
I also completely agree that this is an experience my husband and I need to process individually before the shared parts, or in both ways simultaneously. Of course we can be empathetic towards each-others' personal struggles, both past and present, but there is no way for one person to set someone else's issues right, we can only hear it, understand it, and find some ways to help but we are always independent humans with our own histories, challenges and whatever. I don't usually have problems thinking and feeling this way, but surely sudden and unpredictable traumatic experiences can bring these doubts and fears out. Not first time either my husband or I are experiencing this in our lives.
It's also true what courage pointed out, that as a reaction to this event, he is now scared and anxious that perhaps this miscarriage will start some sort of domino effect and will spiral into an even larger chaos. I totally understand where this fear comes from. What's great is that the kind of relationship we have is very open in terms of talking to each-other very freely about whatever and in as much depth as possible or we need in the moment. This was one of the main features that attracted us to one-another in the first place (we talked about this also) and for me, this constellation is pretty much the ideal way of being in a relationship. I can't appreciate it enough, and of course the marriage is new so things will most likely go through a lot of dynamic, but it's not that we met a few months ago and know little about each-other. And yes, aiming for perfection in relationships is a futile and rigid exercise, one that would never lead to anywhere good, I am well aware of it. I am confident we can do better than that.
This whole feeling of self-blaming and guilt is not new to me at all but something I am prone to and have felt intensely a million times, in all sorts of situations, including with regard to the consequences of drinking. In fact, I think the guilt was a major component that saved my life from more destruction, when I got to a point in my alcoholism where I could just no longer bear the dissonance between my feelings and actions. It also helped push me into constructive action a few more times in different contexts, so I believe it's not an entirely negative thing for me. It's more when and how I react to it. It has also been a major area that I have worked on in therapy during the past ~1.5 year, especially this year, and with good results. So I can just continue that work, I believe now in a new context.
I am definitely a believer that traumatic experiences don't only bring pain, but often also some of the best opportunities for growth and healing -- I've experienced it that way a few times at different phases of my life. So we'll see this one. But right now I think it's best if I just allow myself to experience the pain without trying to make a sense of it (that is hard for me obviously, just look at this post for example) or thinking what it could be transformed into. These things are certainly a dominant defense mechanisms for me, but I've had a lot of success since I got sober with doing things differently that before, and I am now thinking that not pushing myself to process this loss in artificial ways and faster than what it takes will serve me well. But I do need the help because it's not trivial for me what to do if not the things I am very familiar with and are habitual reactions.
I also completely agree that this is an experience my husband and I need to process individually before the shared parts, or in both ways simultaneously. Of course we can be empathetic towards each-others' personal struggles, both past and present, but there is no way for one person to set someone else's issues right, we can only hear it, understand it, and find some ways to help but we are always independent humans with our own histories, challenges and whatever. I don't usually have problems thinking and feeling this way, but surely sudden and unpredictable traumatic experiences can bring these doubts and fears out. Not first time either my husband or I are experiencing this in our lives.
It's also true what courage pointed out, that as a reaction to this event, he is now scared and anxious that perhaps this miscarriage will start some sort of domino effect and will spiral into an even larger chaos. I totally understand where this fear comes from. What's great is that the kind of relationship we have is very open in terms of talking to each-other very freely about whatever and in as much depth as possible or we need in the moment. This was one of the main features that attracted us to one-another in the first place (we talked about this also) and for me, this constellation is pretty much the ideal way of being in a relationship. I can't appreciate it enough, and of course the marriage is new so things will most likely go through a lot of dynamic, but it's not that we met a few months ago and know little about each-other. And yes, aiming for perfection in relationships is a futile and rigid exercise, one that would never lead to anywhere good, I am well aware of it. I am confident we can do better than that.
This whole feeling of self-blaming and guilt is not new to me at all but something I am prone to and have felt intensely a million times, in all sorts of situations, including with regard to the consequences of drinking. In fact, I think the guilt was a major component that saved my life from more destruction, when I got to a point in my alcoholism where I could just no longer bear the dissonance between my feelings and actions. It also helped push me into constructive action a few more times in different contexts, so I believe it's not an entirely negative thing for me. It's more when and how I react to it. It has also been a major area that I have worked on in therapy during the past ~1.5 year, especially this year, and with good results. So I can just continue that work, I believe now in a new context.
I am definitely a believer that traumatic experiences don't only bring pain, but often also some of the best opportunities for growth and healing -- I've experienced it that way a few times at different phases of my life. So we'll see this one. But right now I think it's best if I just allow myself to experience the pain without trying to make a sense of it (that is hard for me obviously, just look at this post for example) or thinking what it could be transformed into. These things are certainly a dominant defense mechanisms for me, but I've had a lot of success since I got sober with doing things differently that before, and I am now thinking that not pushing myself to process this loss in artificial ways and faster than what it takes will serve me well. But I do need the help because it's not trivial for me what to do if not the things I am very familiar with and are habitual reactions.
now's the time
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
I'm so sorry for your loss, Aellyce.
I think you've got a good idea with the goal of allowing yourself to feel your feelings without distancing yourself through intellectualizing them. That's my defense mechanism as well. It can definitely be healthy and useful when appropriate. But it also can have the effect of trivializing the experience. You owe it to yourself to feel this one fully, even though that's the more painful route it is the one that honors the truth of it (I haven't been in your situation but an acquaintance had a miscarriage at seven months... from what I understand it was an experience that touched every layer of her life).
Again, so sorry. Good luck and good health to you and your husband as you heal.
I think you've got a good idea with the goal of allowing yourself to feel your feelings without distancing yourself through intellectualizing them. That's my defense mechanism as well. It can definitely be healthy and useful when appropriate. But it also can have the effect of trivializing the experience. You owe it to yourself to feel this one fully, even though that's the more painful route it is the one that honors the truth of it (I haven't been in your situation but an acquaintance had a miscarriage at seven months... from what I understand it was an experience that touched every layer of her life).
Again, so sorry. Good luck and good health to you and your husband as you heal.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Update
Hi everyone,
I just wanted to give a little update...
I took a bit of time off pretty much everything from my everyday routine and activities. My husband and I even went on a little trip for a few days away from our usual environment and activities, just came back yesterday. All this was very nice and helpful. Lots of crying, grief, but also lots of love. I definitely have not been trying to avoid or suppress my feelings and I've found it brought back many other losses as well (including intensifying my father's recent loss), which I know is normal and expected.
I am now trying to catch up on things back in everyday reality, work, etc. Next week I'll need to travel to a conference, then I plan to go to Europe to deal with the property that has been left over from my dad (need to sell it), because I just want to put and end to stuff I still have there asap, of course also keeping in mind that I don't want a bad deal out of it.
So yeah, in general things seem to be looking up now. This awful experience with the child also strengthened our relationship with my husband quite significantly, I think... we both think. We have talked lots and lots and lots about everything imaginable, cried together about past-present-future, made new dreams and plans... Right now I feel that whatever happened to our child and however it happened, it was definitely worth making the commitment to the marriage with the man I married. We both think it's a very good, compatible combination and hopefully it will stay this way, if not forever even, for a while at least so that we both can have an amazing piece of life experience together.
Interestingly (maybe ironically), I've just had some good successes in my work, and I am especially happy about these because they trace back to stuff I neglected and made mistakes in while drinking. It also includes repairing some professional relationships I messed up as an active alcoholic... sort of like an amends type of thing. So I am very happy about this part and feel highly motivated for work now and to move on.
That's it for now. Thanks again for all the support I got here at critical periods!
P.S.: I had some fleeting thoughts of drinking, but nothing significant. I just feel that I am so sooo far away from that "life" now, even the random thoughts don't survive much!
I just wanted to give a little update...
I took a bit of time off pretty much everything from my everyday routine and activities. My husband and I even went on a little trip for a few days away from our usual environment and activities, just came back yesterday. All this was very nice and helpful. Lots of crying, grief, but also lots of love. I definitely have not been trying to avoid or suppress my feelings and I've found it brought back many other losses as well (including intensifying my father's recent loss), which I know is normal and expected.
I am now trying to catch up on things back in everyday reality, work, etc. Next week I'll need to travel to a conference, then I plan to go to Europe to deal with the property that has been left over from my dad (need to sell it), because I just want to put and end to stuff I still have there asap, of course also keeping in mind that I don't want a bad deal out of it.
So yeah, in general things seem to be looking up now. This awful experience with the child also strengthened our relationship with my husband quite significantly, I think... we both think. We have talked lots and lots and lots about everything imaginable, cried together about past-present-future, made new dreams and plans... Right now I feel that whatever happened to our child and however it happened, it was definitely worth making the commitment to the marriage with the man I married. We both think it's a very good, compatible combination and hopefully it will stay this way, if not forever even, for a while at least so that we both can have an amazing piece of life experience together.
Interestingly (maybe ironically), I've just had some good successes in my work, and I am especially happy about these because they trace back to stuff I neglected and made mistakes in while drinking. It also includes repairing some professional relationships I messed up as an active alcoholic... sort of like an amends type of thing. So I am very happy about this part and feel highly motivated for work now and to move on.
That's it for now. Thanks again for all the support I got here at critical periods!
P.S.: I had some fleeting thoughts of drinking, but nothing significant. I just feel that I am so sooo far away from that "life" now, even the random thoughts don't survive much!
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