Delilah1

Greens has really good advice, just try to focus on the present. We have all relapsed, I think the fact that you keep coming back and posting sends the message that you want to stop. I know it isn't easy.

tomsteve

When I was early in recovery the mental obsession to drink was very strong. One day at a time was way too long and one minute at a time was 59 seconds too long. I was down to one second at a time often.
Well worth every second of fight. Quite an amazing life I have today, one that doesn't involve alcohol and I no longer fight it. The problem with alcohol has been removed.

Hevyn

Your post made me very happy Scared. There's nothing to feel embarrassed about. I wasn't sober when I first came here - it took a while for the great advice to sink in. The main thing is, never, ever give up.

Charlie117926

Scared you are in good company. I too am embarrassed of my continued failures. Not being honest with myself. Pretending to be someone I'm not. All due to shame and fear. All of us here have a problem and with determination and support we can get through this. I. Also feel like i don't belong because I can never get it right. But i keep coming back. You should too

SoberLife90

Love you too buddy. Thanks for reminding me what it would be like if i went back...thus keeping me sober! You are so deserving of this site!

Serenidad

Never be embarrassed! Ever! You are a human being fighting a disease. You are FIGHTING and you haven't failed if you are still trying! Do NOT give up, ok?

Berrybean

I hate to say this, but I really do think it would help you to stop banging on about the past and beating yourself up about it - it changes nothing and just makes you less likely to succeed today. Typical AV - talks it's pet alcoholic into drinking and then spends the next chunk of time keeping them drinking and making them feel like a worthless piece of s**t so that they're even more likely to stay wallowing in the mire. Just so you know - that AV won't ever quite shut up but you can learn to ignore it. Mostly mine is like an irritating small child; weedling; cajouling and occasionally throwing it's toys out the pram and having a temper-tantrum because I'm not giving it what it wants, which is for me to drink. I try to listen out for it so that I can shush it as soon as it pipes up.

Anyway - back to what is important. You staying sober today. What's the plan? Just for today. What can you do that will keep you from that first drink? How about hitting a meeting? Visiting someone who you never get round to seeing because you're usually too busy getting drunk? Going for a long walk somewhere pretty? You know what you enjoy doing - or used to.

Good luck.

Nonsensical

I quit hundreds of times. For probably the last 5 years of my drinking life I would buy just enough for that day because every time was going to be the last time. I wanted to quit so bad! Then I'd go a day or 2 without drinking and the anxiety and constant mental battle would overwhelm me. I would pace my house like a caged animal, the silent war between the angel and the demon raging in my head. Drink!; I can't!; You'll never feel better unless you do!; I said I wouldn't!; etc. It seemed like it would never end. I thought I might be going insane.

People here at SR - people who knew exactly what I meant when I said, I hate what drinking is doing to me, but I still really really want to drink - told me it would get better if I just held out for a while.

It was a tremendous leap of faith for me to believe what they were telling me. But I took that leap.

OH - how right they were!

I never knew I was a slave until I was free. A slave to that voice constantly compelling me to drink. The voice that told me it was relentless was lying. It relented. I starved it, and it relented.

You can do this.

Rootin' for ya!

PurpleKnight

Willpower didn't do much for me either Scared, eventually in isolation my addiction would grind me down, sell me every good reason why I should drink and then I would give in, went round and round that merry-go round for years.

The trick for me was to not rely on willpower alone, daily support in the form of SR continued to give me a second opinion on things, got me outside of my own head.

Sobriety for me came down to action, changing things up, my routines, my lifestyle, getting a plan together, getting support around me, not continuing on and hoping for the best, as that never worked!!

You can break this cycle too!!

Hevyn

Thinking of you today, Scared.

Dee74

me too, scared

D

Scared1234

I'm a mess

I realize today that my original post was just another form of stress and anxiety. I spent most of the night drinking my problems away. Woke up today with a clouded mind and aches and pain all over. Wondering if I should just stop this mess. Nowadays I drink one day, take a day off, drink again, take a day off.

Ugh I'm tired guys. Physically and mentally. I want to give up and I don't want to give up. I want to drink but I hate it so much. Nothing makes me feel better than the buzz but these damn hangovers get in the way. I just want to sleep for a week

Dee74

Things got better for me slowly but surely once I stopped drinking Scared.

D

Soberwolf

You have us to turn to 24/7 bud

Scared1234

Thanks Dee,

I can't believe I used to be able to only drink once a week. Now I'm in over my head and hurting. If I could go 2 weeks without a drink, I'd feel so much better. Seems like a goal thats a million miles away.

Anna

Scared, you can get there. I know it seems overwhelming at this point, but you can do it and as each day goes by you will feel better.

Dee74

It felt that way to me too, scared. Start with one day and go from there

D

Saskia

Scared, I do understand how you feel. I lost count of the number of times I relapsed. Only one SR member gave me a difficult time because of the fact that I wanted to stay with my original thread. I was devastated when she gave me a hard time about that. I've never been part of the "in" crowd and that left me feeling more left out. Fortunately I didn't give up on posting here! I had to get totally real and 100% committed to becoming and staying sober, no matter what it took. It wasn't easy but it is soooo worth it. In the past 10 months I've had one slip that was not my typical drink-a-thon and lasted one week. I feel so much better about myself and life is worth living now! You can do this!

thomas11

I agree with others who have posted in this thread, but what Flynbuy said is something that really gets (or got) my attention. People die from alcohol. Of course there are the usual things like accidents or suicide. But alcohol has killed people in other ways that are completely unexpected. For example, alcohol poisoning, cirrhosis of the liver or even withdrawal. Never in a million years did I think a drunk would simply die from what they were drinking. And that is the FACT that rattled my cage a little, people die. They simply don't make it. That is unsettling. I wish you the very best.

Scared1234

That scares me alot. The thought that the drink could kill me. Why do I play Roulette with my life? Is some stupid buzz really worth it?