I hate to say this, but I really do think it would help you to stop banging on about the past and beating yourself up about it - it changes nothing and just makes you less likely to succeed today. Typical AV - talks it's pet alcoholic into drinking and then spends the next chunk of time keeping them drinking and making them feel like a worthless piece of s**t so that they're even more likely to stay wallowing in the mire. Just so you know - that AV won't ever quite shut up but you can learn to ignore it. Mostly mine is like an irritating small child; weedling; cajouling and occasionally throwing it's toys out the pram and having a temper-tantrum because I'm not giving it what it wants, which is for me to drink. I try to listen out for it so that I can shush it as soon as it pipes up.
Anyway - back to what is important. You staying sober today. What's the plan? Just for today. What can you do that will keep you from that first drink? How about hitting a meeting? Visiting someone who you never get round to seeing because you're usually too busy getting drunk? Going for a long walk somewhere pretty? You know what you enjoy doing - or used to.
Good luck.