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relapsed on day 87

Old 05-09-2015, 11:58 AM
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relapsed on day 87

On Thursday night and last night I drank. I was on day 87 which was the longest I have stayed sober. I was so close to getting my 90 day chip but I didn't want to get it. I just cant accept that I will never be able to drink again. And I don't really like going to meetings. I started feeling like I didn't need to go to a meeting to be able to not drink that night so I started going less often. My sponsor told me the other day that I am going to need to start sharing more in meetings now that I will be getting my 90 days because I have experience that people with less time need to hear. I really don't like sharing and talking in meetings. I am more of a one on one sharer. And I felt like I don't really have any close friends in AA and that my life hasn't really changed or improved much since I stopped drinking.

I still have trouble sleeping and waking up in the morning, I still struggle to get to work on time, Im still stressed out at work and feel like I am going to get fired any day now because my job is production based and I haven't been hitting my goal, I haven't lost any weight since I quit drinking, I still have bad eating habits, Im still unmotivated and lazy, my house and car are still a mess... the only difference was that I was not drinking. So I sort of feel like the drinking isn't the problem, it is something else. Cause I went almost 3 months sober and nothing changed.

I know I need to call my sponsor and tell her that I relapsed. Because we were planning on meeting up tomorrow to spend some time together before a meeting. I was supposed to be getting my 90 day chip tomorrow. But Im hesitating calling her cause I know she is going to tell me to get to a meeting tonight and pick up a white chip. But I am not sure I really want to start over. I might decide that I need to eventually but Im not sure I am ready to just come right back in.

I don't really want to do all the things I will need to do if I stay sober long enough in AA. I think that is why I drank. To sort of self sabotage so I wouldn't have to start doing things that I don't want to do.
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Old 05-09-2015, 12:08 PM
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You don't have to do anything in AA. Not everyone falls into the same time frame.

At 90 days, I saw some people who had gone through all the Steps and who were sharing articulately in every meeting. I also saw people with a year who always passed on sharing. Many people have sponsors and just as many don't. It doesn't matter. What matters is that you find what works for you and stand by that. If you never share and your sponsor is pushing you and you feel that it is going too fast and that you are nearing a drink, tell the sponsor to slow the heck down. It is your recovery.

Everything in life goes at your pace. Full stop. No one can force you to do anything you aren't ready to do. If you are afraid, that is the thing to work on. Fear stops us from being all we can be. Overcoming fear is the goal for all of us.

On the flip side, that drinking that you did? That's all on you. You can't blame your sponsor or the speed of the program or the color of someone's eyes, or anything else in the world. That is all you.
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Old 05-09-2015, 12:16 PM
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I wasn't too happy in my sobriety until I started practicing gratitude at around three months sober. Honestly, that made a huge difference in my attitude and my life. I am now focused on the positives instead of the negatives. It really changed my life for the better.
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Old 05-09-2015, 12:17 PM
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Are you sure there weren't some things that had improved in your life by that point? I had a similar experience at about the 90 day mark, I was still sluggish and never did get the pink cloud feeling that some experience. But what I did notice unexpectedly was that I still had money in my pocket when the end of the month hit. I was not working a program and I'm sure what I was doing would be described as "white knuckling."

But things did most definitely improve over the next year.

Stick with it. Don't think of it as starting from scratch even if you do have to go get a chip that starts over. You now know for sure you can make it at least 87 days. 6 months ago did you even think that was possible?
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Old 05-09-2015, 12:23 PM
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Hey, you made it 87 days without drinking! Way to go! Please don't beat yourself up for your return to drinking; just pick yourself up and move on. What DID work for you to keep you sober during those 87 days? Something did, for sure. Do some of that and then add some other tools.
I have not managed more than a few days or weeks sober in the past several years, so take my words with that in mind. However, the one thing that kept me from trying more sober days has always been beating myself up - it only drove me deeper into the bottle.
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Old 05-09-2015, 12:33 PM
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You got 86 days and that is amazing! Starting over is fine , it happens to lots of us. Are there any smart recovery meetings in your area? I do not believe they count days which can lessen the shame for a lot of us
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Old 05-09-2015, 12:37 PM
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But I am not sure I really want to start over. I might decide that I need to eventually but Im not sure I am ready to just come right back in.
This has me a little concerned, are you telling us that you want to keep on drinking?
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Old 05-09-2015, 12:43 PM
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Congratulations on all that sober time! That's an amazing accomplishment! I wish the best for you.
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Old 05-09-2015, 12:45 PM
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You said that you stopped drinking for 87 days which is terrific. Good job. But, you didn't change other things in your life. I think that a big part of recovery is taking responsibility for job, home, errands, family obligations - those kind of things. Of course you don't need to change everything at once, but I wonder if you believed you could choose one thing - maybe, getting to work on time or early every day? Make that change and stick to it and see if you slowly start to feel better about yourself and your recovery.
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Old 05-09-2015, 01:30 PM
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Thank you for your replies. You have given me a lot of good things to think about.

I am disappointed in myself for throwing away the sober time I had accumulated. Tomorrow should have been 3 months and instead it is going to be day 1. And instead of being on step 3 and getting ready to start step 4, I am going to go back to step 1. And Im going to have to raise my hand as a newcomer for the next 30 days in meetings and everyone is going to know that I relapsed... again!

I am just worried that I am not going to get to a place of acceptance that I am an alcoholic and I cant drink like other people. And acceptance that I need to live a sober life.

I don't want to give up drinking socially. Like at holiday get togethers or having some wine with my mom or going out for a few drinks or drinking on dates. The social drinking would be fine, that is not the problem. The problem is the way I drink when I am by myself. That is isolating, self destructive, alcoholic drinking. And that is the reason why I need to quit altogether.

Something I have heard in AA is not to talk to someone when they are drinking. We can talk to them before they take a drink or after they sober up but we are not supposed to talk to them while they are drinking. I didn't understand that. I felt like if someone is my friend then they should be my friend weather I am sober or not.... But I sort of understand it a lot better now. Cause a girl I know in the program, who had the same sponsor as me, relapsed about 2 weeks ago. She has decided to not come back in. I called her on Wednesday night to see how she was doing and because I was curious why she hadn't come back. We were on the phone for an hour and a half and the whole time she was drinking. And it made me jealous and think if she can do it why cant I? She is on a different path now and she doesn't plan on coming back to AA for a while. Talking to her wasn't a good idea for me because it encouraged my alcoholic thinking and excuses. And I heard how giggly and happy and how much fun she sounded like she was having and it made me want to feel like that again too.
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Old 05-09-2015, 01:38 PM
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Well, apparently you need to go back to the first step. The first step IS acceptance.

If you're not ready, then why did you start AA? Why did you come to a sobriety forum? There is no halfway with us. If drinking is a problem, the solution is to not drink.

There is no gray area. Romancing the drink and the euphoric recall cannot be dwelled upon. That's when it's time to do something to change the thought.

Talking to people while they're drinking makes me uneasy, but not because I miss it. It makes me uneasy because they don't make any sense.
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Old 05-09-2015, 02:35 PM
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Originally Posted by ItsJustMe89 View Post
I don't really want to do all the things I will need to do if I stay sober long enough in AA. I think that is why I drank. To sort of self sabotage so I wouldn't have to start doing things that I don't want to do.
AA, for me, is a way of life.

I thought as you do now twelve years ago. I thought I could come in, feel better, learn some things and then go about my way but after five months I didn't feel any better either. I felt trapped so I went back out and stayed out for ten more years.

I didn't call anyone, not my sponsor, not other people and I never stepped into another AA meeting. The BB was the only book I kept and it was in my cedar chest with my three month coin in the cover. I hated and resented that coin for years.

I didn't go back because I was afraid, I didn't go back because I had to admit what I did, I didn't go back because I didn't want to stop drinking. I knew I was an alcoholic but I didn't want to do anything about it. I wanted to drink, it had more pull over me then sobriety.

I used to think that I was living my life and I reached for the bottle but I know now that the bottle was in the middle, had been for years, and I moved my life around it. It was the center of everything.

I always said I could stop drinking but I just didn't want to but I know now that is not the case.

I regret now not going back. Now that I have found sobriety, I regret not having those ten years sober. If I knew what it would be like to live a sober life, to have this new way of life, I would have.

Only you can find that acceptance and that new way of life. It is your choice, it is your life but something that I didn't realize twelve years ago that is so apparent to me now is..I only get one life.
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Old 05-09-2015, 02:37 PM
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I mean this kindly but what else do you do for sobriety besides aa

87 days is amazing you could write up things to form a stronger plan

Dust yourself off dont beat yourself too much its happened today is today & i believe you are here to get help with staying sober

Were here bud
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Old 05-09-2015, 02:47 PM
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Welcome back It'sMe.

This poster had a really good idea on what to do and how to stay sober

I am newly sober and the tool that helps me the most is reaching out. Getting sober is something that no one can do for us but it is something we can't do alone. Having support is really important for me and also just having people to talk to who know what I am going through and have had similar experiences. I go to AA and call my sponsor every day to be accountable and try to make sober friends. And SR is a great way to reach out and get feedback.
^ this is the real you.

This is your AV

I was so close to getting my 90 day chip but I didn't want to get it. I just cant accept that I will never be able to drink again. And I don't really like going to meetings. I really don't like sharing and talking in meetings. I am more of a one on one sharer. And I felt like I don't really have any close friends in AA
Being sober can be scary - but you're not alone. That why support is so important

my life hasn't really changed or improved much since I stopped drinking.
Mine didn't either - and it won't...unless you proactively work on Change.

Being sober was not enough for me to change my life -but being sober gave me the clarity and the level platform I needed to fix the things I needed to fix

You can do this - don't let that lying AV convince you otherwise

D
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Old 05-09-2015, 02:49 PM
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I know it is rough, I had a hard time not wanting to quit completely. I would go a few weeks then drink again, maybe a few months between benders even. I loved the booze I did not want to stop.

Eventually it started to make me so sick even smelling booze but I still drank, I got to the point where my wife took me to the ER sick and drunk blacked out. I crossed some kind of line that night where I knew I wasn't having fun all along but it really sunk in. I never want to be in that shape again.

Not drinking ever again alone will not make me rich, physically fit, organized, healthy, or happy... but I KNOW if i do drink i will never reach these goals EVER.
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Old 05-09-2015, 02:49 PM
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Originally Posted by ItsJustMe89 View Post
I don't want to give up drinking socially. Like at holiday get togethers or having some wine with my mom or going out for a few drinks or drinking on dates. The social drinking would be fine, that is not the problem. The problem is the way I drink when I am by myself. That is isolating, self destructive, alcoholic drinking. And that is the reason why I need to quit altogether.
I'm curious about this. Do you not want to give up drinking socially? Or do you just not want to give up being social?

And after you've had a day with some social drinking, how often would you go home by yourself and continue drinking until you were hammered?

For me, whether I had my first drink at 1 in the afternoon with a neighbor (social drinking), or at dinner on a date (social drinking), I would carry on drinking until last call whether I was alone or with people. And if I was interrupted, I didn't think of anything except how to get more alcohol. There simply was no such thing for me as social drinking.
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Old 05-09-2015, 03:36 PM
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Originally Posted by ItsJustMe89 View Post
I am disappointed in myself for throwing away the sober time I had accumulated. Tomorrow should have been 3 months and instead it is going to be day 1. And instead of being on step 3 and getting ready to start step 4, I am going to go back to step 1.
Step 3 in 90 days? If you return to AA, talk to your sponsor about working through the steps quicker. And apply yourself to working the steps. As long as you drag your feet, you are going to long for alcohol, and mourn for the drinking you are "missing out" on. It isn't social drinking you are missing out on. It's fulfilling your maximum potential as a fully sober person that you are missing out on.
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Old 05-09-2015, 03:42 PM
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Originally Posted by buk1000 View Post
Are you sure there weren't some things that had improved in your life by that point?
Yes, it seems that for most all at the near 90 day mark of sobriety, there must be something to be pleased with ??

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