It's just sad

Old 04-25-2015, 02:51 PM
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It's just sad

I'm 5 weeks sober, doing well, I really feel like I've turned a corner since my relapse. I've learned such a lot from the whole experience and I'm working hard on my recovery.

But I just can't let go of the sadness of the fact that my husband is sinking fast. He relapsed with me...but has not given up again. I did wonder if he could moderate at first. When we started drinking again, I was definitely the worst. I drank to blackout, back to the usual very quickly, but he left beers in the fridge for days seemingly not bothered. But it is escalating again...he is drunk frequently, putting it first above other plans we might have made.

We had such a great few sober years together and it's lost.

I HATE HATE HATE how alcohol changes him, I hate the smell of it on his breath. In the mornings, our bedroom smells of stale beer and it makes me feel sick.

I love him so much, why can't he see what's happening? My words are empty, he can't hear them. It's got a hold of him again and I feel so guilty. My choice to relapse and he couldn't wait to be shown the green card again. He only really gave up for me in the first place.

If I could only turn the clock back.

Be really careful friends...when we relapse it can sometimes cause a domino effect that we can never anticipate. I shall be driving our daughter back to uni on my own tomorrow while he nurses a hangover. Six months ago we would have had a family day out doing this and stopped for lunch on the way.

So sad.
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Old 04-25-2015, 03:00 PM
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Thinking of you Jeni. I hope you can enjoy the time with your daughter.

Given that you are taking stock of your part in this, I hope "Guilt" moves on- and you continue to lead by example for your husband
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Old 04-25-2015, 03:03 PM
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Old 04-25-2015, 03:07 PM
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Jeni ,
It was his decision , you didn't cause it .
Keep on with your sobriety and i'm sure he'll come round to join you again if and when he's ready.

keep on
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Old 04-25-2015, 03:08 PM
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I am sorry I am sure it's very difficult.
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Old 04-25-2015, 03:12 PM
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I think you are doing wonderfully and congratulations on your sobriety.

I don't have experience with a partner who drinks but one thing I will say is to please protect your own sobriety.

Also, I hope your daughter settles in well. I really liked uni!
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Old 04-25-2015, 03:18 PM
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You're doing fantastic Jeni!!
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Old 04-25-2015, 03:23 PM
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Old 04-25-2015, 06:01 PM
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Jeni, I understand and hope you hang in there. A couple of years ago my husband relapsed and I followed right on his heels. About three months in I'd had enough and finally quit. Husband kept on going. Then stopped again, then relapsed before Christmas. I'm still sober.

It's baffling. It's painful. It can get awfully tempting. But you can stay sober. He may or may not choose again to join you in sobriety. Until then, work on you and enjoy your daughter. Funny how we become single parents when the other partner drinks. Well, it's not funny. It's lonely. Hugs.
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Old 04-25-2015, 06:12 PM
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I still think you're blaming yourself unnecessarily Jeni. The thought to drink was in Hub's head long before you did.
We had such a great few sober years together and it's lost.
I wouldn't assume that the present is as good as things are going to get.

I know you're sad and thats natural and normal. I don't think you've lost all those good years at all tho - they're still there for you both - and I don't think you should abandon all hope that Hubs will see the light and give up the booze either.

I'm not sure - have you communicated any of this to your husband?
How did he take it?

I often follow the maxim when in doubt pray. If you're not a prayer type Jeni you can still hope

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Old 04-25-2015, 07:06 PM
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Originally Posted by Jeni26 View Post
I love him so much, why can't he see what's happening? My words are empty, he can't hear them. It's got a hold of him again and I feel so guilty.
Jeni chances are your husband does know what's happening but the voice of addiction is all he's hearing at the moment. Unfortunately we can't love or talk people out of addictions even when we have been there ourselves.

I can understand that smell of alcohol in your bedroom getting you down -- it's one of the things that haunts me from my drinking days. Could you keep your daughter's bed made up and quietly retire to that when the odour bothers you? Sure your husband will ask questions so say what you said here -- maybe it will give him pause.

Keep actively living your sober life -- as in taking your daughter back to uni, that's god for all of you. Have you told him your feelings? Your own I mean, not your feelings about his behaviour.

Thinking about you Jeni.
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Old 04-25-2015, 07:15 PM
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You've gotten some good feedback. I'm just sending my love & support.

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Old 04-25-2015, 07:29 PM
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Nobody forced me to drink nobody forced me to get sober. I made those choices all on my own. As those in ALANON say:

You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it

I would say it is highly doubtful that your husband would have remained sober if all it took was you drinking again

Congrats on the sober time you can do this
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Old 04-25-2015, 08:27 PM
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Jeni, big giant hugs. If he quit for you, not for himself and his life, was it really meant to stick in the first place?

Wanna FaceTime tomorrow? You know where to find me...
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Old 04-26-2015, 12:29 AM
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Thank you friends. I've woken up feeling a bit more optimistic. He's going to make the trip with us, bt I'm doing the driving. I don't mind that.

I just can't let go of this guilt. I know people are right when they say I didn't cause it...but I just can't feel that.

And yes, I have talked to him about all this but he already feels guilty enough and it makes him secretive. He starts hiding his alcohol and empty bottles. He doesn't want to hurt me but he just can't help himself. I can see through all his lies of course, I understand completely.

My sponsor tells me to leave him alone and get out of God's way. He will get there when he's well and truly done. I do get that. During my relapse I was even lying to her about my drinking. It's what we alcoholics do.

And yes Dee...I do lots and lots of praying. I want him to be safe and to find his way back.

I suppose I just have to wait now.
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Old 04-26-2015, 12:34 AM
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I'm glad he is going with you today Jeni.

I like the advice your sponsor gave you ~ all you can do is love him and be a power of example. And keep always helps me a great deal.

Love you,

V ♥
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