It's just sad
I'm 5 weeks sober, doing well, I really feel like I've turned a corner since my relapse. I've learned such a lot from the whole experience and I'm working hard on my recovery.
But I just can't let go of the sadness of the fact that my husband is sinking fast. He relapsed with me...but has not given up again. I did wonder if he could moderate at first. When we started drinking again, I was definitely the worst. I drank to blackout, back to the usual very quickly, but he left beers in the fridge for days seemingly not bothered. But it is escalating again...he is drunk frequently, putting it first above other plans we might have made.
We had such a great few sober years together and it's lost.
I HATE HATE HATE how alcohol changes him, I hate the smell of it on his breath. In the mornings, our bedroom smells of stale beer and it makes me feel sick.
I love him so much, why can't he see what's happening? My words are empty, he can't hear them. It's got a hold of him again and I feel so guilty. My choice to relapse and he couldn't wait to be shown the green card again. He only really gave up for me in the first place.
If I could only turn the clock back.
Be really careful friends...when we relapse it can sometimes cause a domino effect that we can never anticipate. I shall be driving our daughter back to uni on my own tomorrow while he nurses a hangover. Six months ago we would have had a family day out doing this and stopped for lunch on the way.
So sad.