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Same BS from husband

Old 03-31-2015, 06:47 AM
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Same BS from husband

Hello all:

My husband (again) has started to bring up the fact that "he can't even have a glass of wine with me". This usually comes up when we are arguing. I was trying to be patient (not my strong suit) but I am starting to resent him, a lot. I'm also starting to think that he is a dum& a$$ for saying this. He says it is boring... I told him that I feel sorry for him that he needs me to drink to have fun, he answered that if he drinks and I don't we are not on the same level. I really don't agree. We have been out and we have had a great time, him drinking and me sober.

My AV is having a field day with this. Something like "get drunk and show him why you can't drink". I also went to a wedding and had a pounding headache and my AV kept trying to convince me to have a couple of sips to help my headache. How messed up is that.

I am posting all this because I am not allowing all this to sneak up on me. Part of my plan is posting here when I have issues or AV is getting loud.

I have a little over a year... I thought I wouldne have to deal with this kind of BS with him. Right now I think he is a stupid moron and feeling this way toward your significant other blows.

I don't want to feel this way... How can I hadle this? It's infuriating!!!
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Old 03-31-2015, 06:52 AM
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What a shame. Congrats on your recovery, keep it as #1 in your life, it is the most important!

I personally would never drink around someone in recovery, I just think it's not right. However, there are lots of people with a different opinion on this.

Have you thought about doing any sort of joint therapy so maybe he can understand how hurtful this is to you and to your own sobriety?

Hugs to you. Keep up your own good work!
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Old 03-31-2015, 08:00 AM
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Glad you posted before you set off to drink at your husband. I sympathize with you about his behavior. My wife drinks so rarely it isn't an issue because she has never said she wants me to drink. I'm not sure what would prompt your husband to try to derail your sobriety except that he must not get it...get what it means to be an alcoholic.

But since it comes up only when you are arguing, I think he knows he's striking a nerve. Maybe you should be looking at your arguing and try to resolve those tensions and disagreements before they get to the "fighting dirty" stage.
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Old 03-31-2015, 08:26 AM
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Just a quick note (getting ready for work) to tell you that I would be hurt and angered if a partner told me my sobriety wasn't "fun" for them! I don't have a problem with someone occasionally drinking around me (at an event, for example), but having alcohol around in the evenings doesn't work for me (I know, because I tried to be that woman whose fella stocked the fridge with beer while she stayed sober - I kept relapsing...).

I chose being single for my first year, because this was hard for me (it's a trade off - I'm lonely & miss the touch, but like being able to fully focus on sobriety).

But telling you he resents it - while likely true - isn't supportive or kind or loving (which was probably the point in the middle of an argument).

Hopefully you will stubbornly resist this "challenge." It is intended to hurt you & erode your self esteem, & will fully accomplish this sabotage if you actually did drink!

I would tell him, once this particular conflict is resolved, that true or not, those are words that cannot be spoken in a fair fight. Just like when you're mad at someone, you don't call them fat or ugly (even if it's true) unless you are an abusive arse. Criticizing or belittling your sobriety is abusive! This is a life & death issue. You are working to heal yourself. If you had cancer & were losing a breast would he make fun of that in an argument too??

If so, he's not worth loving...
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Old 03-31-2015, 08:52 AM
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Originally Posted by Nowsthetime View Post
I don't want to feel this way... How can I hadle this? It's infuriating!!!
Talk it out. Wait until you are calm and bring it up again in a conversational manner. Empathize with how he feels. "I'm sorry that you lost one of your drinking buddies, but I must remain sober."

Then, put the ball in his court:

"What can we do together instead of drinking that you would enjoy."
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Old 03-31-2015, 09:06 AM
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that sucks.

it is a thoroughly non-supportive message and action.

I can see how this would be intensely hurtful and contribute to a reaction that would undermine your sobriety.

One thing that arises for me is that he said this to you during a conflict. Often we fling pain balls at each other during arguments and conflict in ways that are very unproductive but which represent a feeling or a challenge we are not otherwise communicating appropriately.

I wonder if you have support for facilitated communication. It might be helpful to explore having some deep and honest communication about each of your feelings and needs around drinking with the aid of a good relationship counselor who also understands addiction.

Often - we also hurt our significant others with our past drinking behavior. Comments like this can be reflections of old wounds coming out in hurtful ways when our past wrongs to another are triggered and they respond with retaliation.

Patience, honesty and a focus on communicating intimately are super-important in any relationship. Even moreso in relationships that have involved addiction.
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Old 03-31-2015, 09:16 AM
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I wonder how common this is.. My wife offers little support as she loves drinking and dancing until 2am. Stick to your guns. Leave early, let him find a way home. You don't have to be on "the same level"...
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Old 03-31-2015, 09:36 AM
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Tell him if he doesn't respect your decision, and keeps harping on you, you're going to treat yourself to a relaxing vacation in Mexico on his personal credit card.
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Old 03-31-2015, 09:44 AM
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Nowsthetime. It's a shame that he isn't helping you 100% perhaps both of you should go see a counselor. I don't know either of you in real life so don't want to tell you what to say to him. There are people trained to help though.
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Old 03-31-2015, 10:19 AM
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Was this in an argument that he was losing by any chance? I know when I was drinking I'd use any bulls**t argument for a bit of point-scoring.

My OH is often a little put out that he can't drink quite so much without feeling like an old soak now that I'm not drinking with him. He used the same kind of wingey-whines about me stopping a LOT at first. In the end I told him my sobriety was about ME not about him, and that as much as I'd prefer to do it with his support, if the only other option was without it, then that's what I'd do (not while we were arguing - the next day when I was calm and he was sober). Now I think he's got more used to it and is less threatened by it all.

Remember though. Being angry with him (no matter how justified) is not good for your sobriety, so best to work through that resentment.

Good luck x
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Old 03-31-2015, 10:44 AM
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I think its awful hes saying this to you

Nows i think a good heart to heart is in order about being alcoholic and what that means

asking you to be his drinking buddy is wrong on so many levels

really sorry nows ((()))
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Old 03-31-2015, 10:55 AM
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There's a robust Friends and Family section of this forum for a reason. We alcoholics are not a bowl full of cherries.

What is your husband doing for support? Are you his only support network? If so, perhaps that isn't enough. Many of us find it helpful to communicate with people who understand what we are going through. Your husband might benefit from meeting some other husbands in a similar situation.
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Old 03-31-2015, 01:48 PM
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Hiya Nowsthetime
I can feel your anger & frustration in your words. The time for you guys to talk is when he is not drinking and you are in a calm state.
Otherwise it will all turn to ****.

Your no# 1 priority here is you and only you .
Your health and sobriety comes first and foremost.

For without those 2 nothing in your life will work.
Kudos to you for sticking to your guns & not giving in.

The worst thing you can do is give in and have a drink. It's a lose , lose situation.

You are partners so you must love each other. Approach the matter so as he feels his input is important , maybe .....I really love you , you know that & I need your help here ......

If he is still belligerent , then he just doesn't get it. But YOU do , you're a smart cookie

Good luck xxxxx
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Old 03-31-2015, 02:03 PM
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I'm so sorry you are dealing with that Back in 2000 I got sober for over 6 years (lengthy relapse started in 2006) and I swear my partner liked me more when he had a constant excuse to be "embarrassed" by me when I was a drunk. Then when I relapsed he hated me because I was a drunk . What a mess. Sober now for over 4 years, I know that yes, I may be an alcoholic but I do deserve better. (We separated in 2009) I'll never be with someone unsupportive and hypocritical again.
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Old 03-31-2015, 02:28 PM
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Originally Posted by Nowsthetime View Post
He says it is boring... I told him that I feel sorry for him that he needs me to drink to have fun, he answered that if he drinks and I don't we are not on the same level.

Sorry for your current troubles at home. The above statement is obvioiusly lacking in love and support for your sobriety and spititual journey. I think it is of paramount importance that he be made aware of this. If he does become aware, and continues this line of reasoning, I honestly don't see any upside to this relationship for you. Just my $.02

I like Wayne Dyer's definition of love: "Love is the ability and willingness to allow those that you care for to be what they choose for themselves without any insistence that they satisfy you."
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Old 03-31-2015, 02:40 PM
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Good for you for coming to post about it and being mindful! When overcome with anger, I find it helpful to remember that even most powerful emotions pass. And when they do, you will know how to deal with this situation better. I hope talking it out helps.
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Old 03-31-2015, 02:52 PM
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Thanks everyone for the input. He isn't one to do counseling although I'll mention it again. He said he will never say that again but we shall see. Talking it out and hearing your opinios really help. I told him I'm not drinking no matter what... He said "I guess you can't moderate" so I said, "Guess or know?" He answered he knew. Like I said, we shall see.
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Old 03-31-2015, 02:59 PM
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Bill -

I copied and pasted your - "Wayne Dyer's definition of love: "Love is the ability and willingness to allow those that you care for to be what they choose for themselves without any insistence that they satisfy you." - because I need time to think about that.

My first impression is that - yes - that is the definition of love, and I love my children that way, and my friends. But in a partnership, I have the belief that the act of satisfying each other and supporting each other is a fundamental expression of love.

So, this is interesting to me. I have completely different definitions of love for a partnership relationship vs. every other relationship.

When I apply this to my self and body, I feel like all my love for others (children, friends, etc.) radiates out from my body, but when I consider romantic love, it has to do with the warm space of receiving love toward my body.

I don't have that acceptance of another "being exactly who they are" in romantic relationship, maybe because I put a lot of energy into "being what they need or what is supportive" as an expression of my love when in a lover situation, and expect that type of giving to be reciprocated...

I will meditate on this. I struggle with not finding what I seek romantically, but maybe my definitions of romantic love are so vast and distinct from other "ordinary" kinds of love that it would be very difficult to find (unless I found someone who shared this dual definition). Is everyone else working with your definition in their love relationships? That's sort of inconceivable to me, to not expect any care from the other, but maybe it is the experience of other people. I think I will start asking people about this!

Curiouser and curiouser...
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Old 03-31-2015, 11:41 PM
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Don't know if you saw this thread (Sobriety is destroying my marriage)...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-marriage.html
If not, there were some interesting, helpful an hopeful points on there that might be worth reading through.

Good luck. Stay strong. Alcohol is never a solution xx
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