Lots of dead ends trying to rebuild trust
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Reno, Nv
Posts: 873
Lots of dead ends trying to rebuild trust
I've been trying so hard to rebuild trust with family and friends but am slowly realizing I did a ton of damage in the past. My parents don't trust me, I have 2 friends I really want to reconnect with and one said they want to see me sober more before we " can be friends again" the other won't even pick up my calls.
At times, its like my wife and I are exiled to an island for pariahs, so many people just avoid us. It would be awesome if a few of are old friends would give us a chance again, however, at this time it just isn't happening.
Well anyone else ever feel this way too? This is such a bummer, its one of the few things that hasn't worked for me in sobriety. Nobody, I mean nobody trust me to stay sober! I suppose this is the hand I deal my self, but talk about a difficult hold to pull myself out of.
At times, its like my wife and I are exiled to an island for pariahs, so many people just avoid us. It would be awesome if a few of are old friends would give us a chance again, however, at this time it just isn't happening.
Well anyone else ever feel this way too? This is such a bummer, its one of the few things that hasn't worked for me in sobriety. Nobody, I mean nobody trust me to stay sober! I suppose this is the hand I deal my self, but talk about a difficult hold to pull myself out of.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: bay area
Posts: 59
I hear you, but I welcome the break from our friends. I don't need the drama and pressures from dealing with our group of folks.. They are almost all heavy drinkers too, so even better.
I figure the ones who come back around later are the ones that matter. I have honestly had one couple initiate friendship again, and I politely backed away, because it was painful losing them the first time and I want us all to be ready.
Just take it slow, and work on yourself. I know it sucks, but take this time to focus on you two.
I figure the ones who come back around later are the ones that matter. I have honestly had one couple initiate friendship again, and I politely backed away, because it was painful losing them the first time and I want us all to be ready.
Just take it slow, and work on yourself. I know it sucks, but take this time to focus on you two.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Thatdeliveryguy 
I've been trying so hard to rebuild trust with family and friends but am slowly realizing I did a ton of damage in the past. My parents don't trust me, I have 2 friends I really want to reconnect with and one said they want to see me sober more before we " can be friends again" the other won't even pick up my calls.
At times, its like my wife and I are exiled to an island for pariahs, so many people just avoid us. It would be awesome if a few of are old friends would give us a chance again, however, at this time it just isn't happening.
Well anyone else ever feel this way too? This is such a bummer, its one of the few things that hasn't worked for me in sobriety. Nobody, I mean nobody trust me to stay sober! I suppose this is the hand I deal my self, but talk about a difficult hold to pull myself out of.
At times, its like my wife and I are exiled to an island for pariahs, so many people just avoid us. It would be awesome if a few of are old friends would give us a chance again, however, at this time it just isn't happening.
Well anyone else ever feel this way too? This is such a bummer, its one of the few things that hasn't worked for me in sobriety. Nobody, I mean nobody trust me to stay sober! I suppose this is the hand I deal my self, but talk about a difficult hold to pull myself out of.
then I got back in my shoes. kept in mind I wasn't getting sober and changing who I was for anyone but me.
seeing I wasn't a bad man but a sick man helped me. that plus continuing working the program.
theres still some people that don't trust me. I don't blame em, today it doesn't bother me ,and i don't deserve any more chances.
gaining trust back isn't something that happened in my time( it was iin Gods time) and i didn't have to try hard at all. putting in the footwork to change me wasn't to gain trust back. it was because i didnt like who i was anymore.
trusting infinite God and being concerned with what He thinks of me was and still is a huge priority to me, much greater than trying to get people to trust me.
ive been sober a few years now. been hittin a few meetings i haven't ever been to. so, if you saw me walk in and heard me talk the talk and all that, would you just trust me because i talk a good talk or would you have me earn your trust through my actions and not just my words? would you start trusting me after a week or 2 and because i say ive been sober a few years??
i hope not.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,256
For me, my friends and family never thought
I ever had a drinking problem until I hit bottom
and wanted to leave this world without any
explaination except for my action of coming
in late from the clubs and taking a hand full
of pills.
They were all left scratching their heads
as to what in the world was going on with
me as I suffered emotionally inside from
unhappiness and my silent addiction to
alcohol.
When family intervened on me and sent
me to get help, I know it surprised them
that I had an addiction problem and entered
recovery. It was then that I began to live
a recovery life learning healthier ways to
live life without numbing my unhappiness
and other unhealthy actions like lieing,
deceiving, manipulating, dishonesty etc.
I also drank to fit in and after I got sober,
I didn't like being around others except
my recovery support who knew exactly
who and what I was with no questions
asked. It was then that family or friends
split apart because they didn't understand
me and I them. Like as if we were all living
on different planets.
Today, I still live my life without many
folks in it. Just the ones I communicate
within recovery and my spouse. The rest
of the family and friends are living at a
good comfortable distance away from me
and that's fine with me.
I love having one person to spend my
life with where there is no competition
for attention or to be heard. Seems as
tho what I have to say or share to normal
folks is not interesting enough for them.
To bad, because my husband and I have
a good, simple, sober, honest, fun life
in our own little world riding free on our
bike when we can enjoying all that life
has to offer us.
Im a happy camper in recovery. YAY..!!!!
I ever had a drinking problem until I hit bottom
and wanted to leave this world without any
explaination except for my action of coming
in late from the clubs and taking a hand full
of pills.
They were all left scratching their heads
as to what in the world was going on with
me as I suffered emotionally inside from
unhappiness and my silent addiction to
alcohol.
When family intervened on me and sent
me to get help, I know it surprised them
that I had an addiction problem and entered
recovery. It was then that I began to live
a recovery life learning healthier ways to
live life without numbing my unhappiness
and other unhealthy actions like lieing,
deceiving, manipulating, dishonesty etc.
I also drank to fit in and after I got sober,
I didn't like being around others except
my recovery support who knew exactly
who and what I was with no questions
asked. It was then that family or friends
split apart because they didn't understand
me and I them. Like as if we were all living
on different planets.
Today, I still live my life without many
folks in it. Just the ones I communicate
within recovery and my spouse. The rest
of the family and friends are living at a
good comfortable distance away from me
and that's fine with me.
I love having one person to spend my
life with where there is no competition
for attention or to be heard. Seems as
tho what I have to say or share to normal
folks is not interesting enough for them.
To bad, because my husband and I have
a good, simple, sober, honest, fun life
in our own little world riding free on our
bike when we can enjoying all that life
has to offer us.
Im a happy camper in recovery. YAY..!!!!
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
During my drinking days, I managed to elicit horror, loathing, disgust, dislike, fear, anger, crushing indifference, sorrow and pity from people, some of whom I barely knew, others who were friends and members of my family. It was I who brought out the worst and the worst kind of heartbreak in other people. And it's not their responsibility to find forgiveness within themselves.
When I got sober, I instinctively knew, and learned from my first attempt at sobriety that ran for twenty five years, that people either didn't care or were too angry or heartbroken to hear from me how well I was doing in my sobriety, so I didn't even approach them. And I never told them how great my life was after putting down the drink. Instead of dazzling them with my newly-found love for life, I left them alone and instead concentrated on my recovery and in rebuilding my life.
While we're living our fantasy lives, people move on -- and often very much for the better -- without us. They advance in their education and careers, get married, move, buy houses, have children and are generally busy living their own lives. They want to be left alone to live the way they choose to live, and they often learn to live without us, often much to their great relief.
You have a great deal of enthusiasm, Jeremy, around the progress you've made, and you're not at all shy with talking about it. People who I hurt deeply and/or disappointed regularly were not ready to hear about my progress; either that or they stopped caring a long time ago. People with multiple relapses are doing no favors for people whom they hurt by telling them how "different" or how much "better" it is this time around. One could easily make the case that, instead of inspiring these people, we're actually adding insult to injury.
I know you're not into the AA Big Book Twelve Steps, but they're written in a specific order for a reason. And making amends to those whom we've harmed is way up at number nine. You don't need to impress anyone, Jeremy, not anymore. You don't have to be the "happiest man on Earth," your landlord's "favorite tenant," or your ex-boss's "best worker," as you've previously commented. Nor do you need to have the recipients of your deliveries tell you that you "made their day." You don't need to fix everything or everyone right now, and this includes making amends to friends and family.
In response to a strong recommendation to participate in inpatient treatment, you decided to stay home, take your meds and look for work. You're doing well with the medication, but I imagine you'll need more than that to continue to heal. I hope you overcome whatever obstacles you place in front of yourself to get the help you need.
When I got sober, I instinctively knew, and learned from my first attempt at sobriety that ran for twenty five years, that people either didn't care or were too angry or heartbroken to hear from me how well I was doing in my sobriety, so I didn't even approach them. And I never told them how great my life was after putting down the drink. Instead of dazzling them with my newly-found love for life, I left them alone and instead concentrated on my recovery and in rebuilding my life.
While we're living our fantasy lives, people move on -- and often very much for the better -- without us. They advance in their education and careers, get married, move, buy houses, have children and are generally busy living their own lives. They want to be left alone to live the way they choose to live, and they often learn to live without us, often much to their great relief.
You have a great deal of enthusiasm, Jeremy, around the progress you've made, and you're not at all shy with talking about it. People who I hurt deeply and/or disappointed regularly were not ready to hear about my progress; either that or they stopped caring a long time ago. People with multiple relapses are doing no favors for people whom they hurt by telling them how "different" or how much "better" it is this time around. One could easily make the case that, instead of inspiring these people, we're actually adding insult to injury.
I know you're not into the AA Big Book Twelve Steps, but they're written in a specific order for a reason. And making amends to those whom we've harmed is way up at number nine. You don't need to impress anyone, Jeremy, not anymore. You don't have to be the "happiest man on Earth," your landlord's "favorite tenant," or your ex-boss's "best worker," as you've previously commented. Nor do you need to have the recipients of your deliveries tell you that you "made their day." You don't need to fix everything or everyone right now, and this includes making amends to friends and family.
In response to a strong recommendation to participate in inpatient treatment, you decided to stay home, take your meds and look for work. You're doing well with the medication, but I imagine you'll need more than that to continue to heal. I hope you overcome whatever obstacles you place in front of yourself to get the help you need.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
If you spent years destroying people's trust you can't expect to rebuild it in a few weeks. Live up to your talk and eventually people will come around. Show them that you're in recovery for the long haul this time. You're doing well, TDG- don't let anyone else bring you down!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,609
I found when I got sober every week felt like an eternity - not because time went slowly...just the opposite...I was doing so much rebuilding and turning my life around...
and noone noticed...because for them a week was just a week and any weekend now they feared I'd be the same drunken mess I'd been for 20 years.
It was a justified fear, and I had to bear it.
It takes time to rebuild trust and to re-earn respect and forgiveness...and we can't set the timetable.
It's entirely up to other people when they want to accept our change as the genuine change it is.
I know it's rough now Jeremy but the vast majority of people who I loved and cared for did acknowledge my change pretty quickly, now I look back on it.
Hang on there and keep the faith man
D
and noone noticed...because for them a week was just a week and any weekend now they feared I'd be the same drunken mess I'd been for 20 years.
It was a justified fear, and I had to bear it.
It takes time to rebuild trust and to re-earn respect and forgiveness...and we can't set the timetable.
It's entirely up to other people when they want to accept our change as the genuine change it is.
I know it's rough now Jeremy but the vast majority of people who I loved and cared for did acknowledge my change pretty quickly, now I look back on it.
Hang on there and keep the faith man
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Reno, Nv
Posts: 873
Endgame that is exactly what I needed to hear. I am quite purposefully over accentuating the positive and trying dearly not to focus on the negative. This is about the most negative thing I've addressed in over a week.
I am overplaying the positive for a reason internally I am still broken ( you knew that), still a tad depressed at times and things are very chaotic around me. The few friends I do have are addicts still, one of them is in grave danger of hurting hmiself ( an aside I've been dealing with on and off as good as I can), and another that drinks himself silly daily and is all sorts of precarious positions.
A part of me wants to deaden the negative and focus on the positive and help others so I can minimize my own current issues. Its not that my issues aren't being addressed I just feel better helping others and trying dearly to be positive.
Its funny looking at me through another eyes, the part where you talk about the " the best" all of that is true. However, what your not hearing about is all the negative I still hear weekly from family. I want to feel like I have value and I've done something right in life so I've been only talking about the positive. Well, I am becoming a broken record, but thank you for the reality check. Much to ponder in what you said.
I am overplaying the positive for a reason internally I am still broken ( you knew that), still a tad depressed at times and things are very chaotic around me. The few friends I do have are addicts still, one of them is in grave danger of hurting hmiself ( an aside I've been dealing with on and off as good as I can), and another that drinks himself silly daily and is all sorts of precarious positions.
A part of me wants to deaden the negative and focus on the positive and help others so I can minimize my own current issues. Its not that my issues aren't being addressed I just feel better helping others and trying dearly to be positive.
Its funny looking at me through another eyes, the part where you talk about the " the best" all of that is true. However, what your not hearing about is all the negative I still hear weekly from family. I want to feel like I have value and I've done something right in life so I've been only talking about the positive. Well, I am becoming a broken record, but thank you for the reality check. Much to ponder in what you said.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am coming from the other side of the fence. I divorced my X this year who is an alcoholic. All I can say is don't expect results right away. It takes a long time to earn the trust of people you hurt. Just because you say you are now sober does not take away those experiences. Have you made amends with these people?
I wish you all the best of luck and hope you continue down the road of sobriety.
I wish you all the best of luck and hope you continue down the road of sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
It took a while for people to start trusting me and not waiting for the "other shoe to drop".
I think the fact that I lived back with dad and stepmom (AND relapsed while there, for 2 weeks). Didn't help.
Angry? Hurt? Distrustful? They had a right to all those feelings and more. I went to work, I paid bills, I answered my phone when they called (no answer or call back was an immediate trigger for them), and felt like I was 16 years old again.
I think it was 6 months, or so, when dad gave me the debit card and PIN number to go get us dinner.
Others took time, some are no longer in my life. I was focused on my recovery, but most of my talking about it was here. I'd put my loved ones through hello and all I knew to do was WORK my recovery.
To this day, my dad has no idea how much recovery time, he just knows he's grateful for it and everyone here.
I will also say I had my past thrown in my face for a quite a while. I accepted it for a while, felt I deserved it. Haven't heard that in years.
Keep hanging in there!
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I think the fact that I lived back with dad and stepmom (AND relapsed while there, for 2 weeks). Didn't help.
Angry? Hurt? Distrustful? They had a right to all those feelings and more. I went to work, I paid bills, I answered my phone when they called (no answer or call back was an immediate trigger for them), and felt like I was 16 years old again.
I think it was 6 months, or so, when dad gave me the debit card and PIN number to go get us dinner.
Others took time, some are no longer in my life. I was focused on my recovery, but most of my talking about it was here. I'd put my loved ones through hello and all I knew to do was WORK my recovery.
To this day, my dad has no idea how much recovery time, he just knows he's grateful for it and everyone here.
I will also say I had my past thrown in my face for a quite a while. I accepted it for a while, felt I deserved it. Haven't heard that in years.
Keep hanging in there!
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Reno, Nv
Posts: 873
Thank you Amy, that is so correct it does take time. I guess I get over enthused about where in sobriety I really am. I want my sober life back, but its too early in the game to have anyone really trust me. With that, I am going to get on and keep showing people I can be trusted.
Cute cats, I have two cats Storm he is a jerk, backs people into corners hisses and hates people in general. My wife and I are the only ones that can touch him or he will even get close too. Pumpkin is our other cat he gets along with everyone and everything but Storm, only because Storm won't warm up to him, lol poor thing tries but it just won't work. We love them both, even " the jerk we feed" that is what we call Storm!
Cute cats, I have two cats Storm he is a jerk, backs people into corners hisses and hates people in general. My wife and I are the only ones that can touch him or he will even get close too. Pumpkin is our other cat he gets along with everyone and everything but Storm, only because Storm won't warm up to him, lol poor thing tries but it just won't work. We love them both, even " the jerk we feed" that is what we call Storm!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
I am coming at this from a different perspective.
I know a married couple who are AA'ers for over 15 years, and sober the entire time.
I reached out to them to ask their help as part of my call list when I joined AlAnon 6 months ago. I have known them 4 years.
Their availability inconsistencies have me going so crazy, I have decided no contact with them. I told them plainly that I needed to know where I stand with them, and they don't even bother to answer that. Incidentally, I support a recovery ministry they founded to the tune of $100 per month.
I don't know the reasons for their apathy, and cannot afford the emotional energy to fight for them just now.
I would suggest a good step four. If you are lucky enough to have one of your friends level with you, ask them to be brutally honest about why they drove you away.
I know a married couple who are AA'ers for over 15 years, and sober the entire time.
I reached out to them to ask their help as part of my call list when I joined AlAnon 6 months ago. I have known them 4 years.
Their availability inconsistencies have me going so crazy, I have decided no contact with them. I told them plainly that I needed to know where I stand with them, and they don't even bother to answer that. Incidentally, I support a recovery ministry they founded to the tune of $100 per month.
I don't know the reasons for their apathy, and cannot afford the emotional energy to fight for them just now.
I would suggest a good step four. If you are lucky enough to have one of your friends level with you, ask them to be brutally honest about why they drove you away.
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