During my drinking days, I managed to elicit horror, loathing, disgust, dislike, fear, anger, crushing indifference, sorrow and pity from people, some of whom I barely knew, others who were friends and members of my family. It was I who brought out the worst and the worst kind of heartbreak in other people. And it's not their responsibility to find forgiveness within themselves.
When I got sober, I instinctively knew, and learned from my first attempt at sobriety that ran for twenty five years, that people either didn't care or were too angry or heartbroken to hear from me how well I was doing in my sobriety, so I didn't even approach them. And I never told them how great my life was after putting down the drink. Instead of dazzling them with my newly-found love for life, I left them alone and instead concentrated on my recovery and in rebuilding my life.
While we're living our fantasy lives, people move on -- and often very much for the better -- without us. They advance in their education and careers, get married, move, buy houses, have children and are generally busy living their own lives. They want to be left alone to live the way they choose to live, and they often learn to live without us, often much to their great relief.
You have a great deal of enthusiasm, Jeremy, around the progress you've made, and you're not at all shy with talking about it. People who I hurt deeply and/or disappointed regularly were not ready to hear about my progress; either that or they stopped caring a long time ago. People with multiple relapses are doing no favors for people whom they hurt by telling them how "different" or how much "better" it is this time around. One could easily make the case that, instead of inspiring these people, we're actually adding insult to injury.
I know you're not into the AA Big Book Twelve Steps, but they're written in a specific order for a reason. And making amends to those whom we've harmed is way up at number nine. You don't need to impress anyone, Jeremy, not anymore. You don't have to be the "happiest man on Earth," your landlord's "favorite tenant," or your ex-boss's "best worker," as you've previously commented. Nor do you need to have the recipients of your deliveries tell you that you "made their day." You don't need to fix everything or everyone right now, and this includes making amends to friends and family.
In response to a strong recommendation to participate in inpatient treatment, you decided to stay home, take your meds and look for work. You're doing well with the medication, but I imagine you'll need more than that to continue to heal. I hope you overcome whatever obstacles you place in front of yourself to get the help you need.