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Old 08-17-2014, 10:03 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Hello.


Hello, I am new to this sort of thing but here goes. I don't know if this is the right section for this post and it is long but I really don't have anyone else to talk to.
I believe my fiance is an alcoholic. We have been together for about 5 years now, he proposed last year and we are supposed to be married next June. We have already started booking things, our families are so excited etc...
Lately he is getting overly drunk more often. Two days ago he went drinking with his best friend to the local pub, I picked him up a few hours later and he was passed out on the lounge by 7pm. He is 28 years old and has no ambition, still only works a casual job. I am 24 and I have a full time job and clear goals for what I want our future to be but all he wants to do is drink everyday. He is a paranoid drunk. Most of the time he goes walkabout in the middle of the night or tries to drive his car but I hide his keys when he gets really bad. He is one of those people that believe in conspiracy theories and he rambles on and on for hours when he gets a topic stuck in his head. Although he has never been violent, he is very mentally abusive towards me. No one else really knows this side of him, that's why I feel like I have no one to talk to. We come from very different backgrounds, he is Australian and I am Middle Eastern. I left my family to be with him because I was so in love with him and they warned me that he was not suitable for me and my mum mentioned a long time ago that he is a drinker and my parents don't drink at all so it was never a thing that we were brought up around, but his dad is a heavy drinker that's why he doesn't think he has a problem. I know they will say I told you so if I tell them what's going on so I just keep pretending that everything is ok. I just keep going along with our wedding plans to keep my mind off it but in the middle of the night when he gets drunk, everyday, and I am the only one who sees that side of him, I get so scared that that will be how the rest of my life is and I don't want to live with a drunk. My mother actually has a sister who's husband is a violent drunk and she has told me many times that she worries about me, that she doesn't want me to end up like her but I just keep reassuring her that my fiance is not like that and that she has nothing to worry about. He has tried to quit a few times because I have asked him, but he doesn't last more than two weeks or so and then he's straight back there again. I just don't know what to do. Once he has a beer, doesn't matter what time of the day it is, he will have about two every hour untill he goes to bed. He has no problem going through 24 bottles in one weekend. I am worried about his mental state. His father is going through the early stages of alzheimers and I am worried he will too one day. He did get in touch with the local mental hospital and got some counselling but after a few phonecalls and visits, they were no help. He told them he didn't need them and they didn't try anymore. I am so scared, so depressed. The man that I fell in love with isn't there anymore. I still love him deeply, but it's a different kind of love now. I feel like I am just here to look after him.
Sorry this was so long, I guess I'm just after some advice, thanks for reading.
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Old 08-17-2014, 10:33 PM   #2 (permalink)
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hi and welcome feelsohelpless.

I'm really sorry for your situation but I know you'll find support and help here, and in our Family and Friends forum too.

I think it's ok to slow things right down if you're unsure...maybe step back from the wedding for a bit and take some time out mentally to think whether this is what you want from your life?

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Old 08-17-2014, 10:35 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Welcome, feelsohelpless, I can't be of much help to you as I was the drinker. I have seen lots of help and support for people with similar problems as yourself, I'm sure someone will be along soon.

I do know that at this moment in time you are his enabler and as long as you keep doing that he will let you. My dad was a big drinker, really nice man until he drank then the mental abuse (sometimes felt worse than physical abuse) was terrible what we endured.
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Old 08-17-2014, 10:59 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Hi and welcome!

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. You have to do what is best for you. You do not want to get into a marriage that you are going to be miserable in. I know you are in a difficult predicament but you need to really weigh out the pros and cons of your relationship.

He needs to want to get better for himself. If he is forced into it then he isn't doing it for himself and might even be resentful. It sounds like your mother might know more about your situation than you think. Mothers do have intuition on situations when it comes to their children. I know I do. Maybe you should stop and listen to what the people who love you say. They might be dropping small hints into a glimpse of your future.

You might want to consider getting help yourself. Maybe speaking to a therapist/counselor might be useful or attend an al-anon meeting.

Good luck and keep posting. You will get a lot of wonderful help here as well. Stay strong and positive.
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Old 08-17-2014, 11:24 PM   #5 (permalink)
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I married that man, and I was you. Making excuses, ignoring the signs. Everything he does or does not do that hurts you now will only get worse. And then you will have to carry the load and get your own life....if you have the energy to do it after being brought down so low.

I'm sorry, but those are the facts. I am praying right now that you will have the strength and wisdom to postpone the relationship. He is showing signs he does not want it either. He knows he is bad for you and you are bad for him. That's why he's getting worse. He's hoping somebody will stop him from repeating history. Maybe that someone will be you.

Trust your instincts, and trust your elders. They do have the benefit of having lived much longer than you. And you do not have experience with alcoholism. That was me. I didn't know the lion's den I was walking into when I married my husband because I didn't know how bad it could be, because there were no alcoholics in my life at all. The emotional degradation and control has nothing to do with alcohol at all, only alcohol makes it worse. Even if he sobers up, he will still degrade you. The emotional abuse will be the same. Trust me. I've been through it. 15 years. But, I'm out of it now, or I would not feel easy about sharing this information with you.

Please take care. Seriously. I will be praying for you to have wisdom. There is a good book called "The Emotionally Destructive Relationship" by Leslie Vernick. I recommend reading this before you do anything. You can get it on Amazon.com
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Old 08-17-2014, 11:27 PM   #6 (permalink)
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also, if there are Al-anon meetings in your neck of the world, I highly recommend going. It changed me and made me able to understand what was happening to me.
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Old 08-17-2014, 11:30 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Hello sobercalmwishes and thankyou for your honesty.
I fear that this man will never recover. He is the youngest of his siblings and we currently live together, but I know that if I end things, he will just move back in with his parents and then his mother will just keep enabling him as she does already. I know what I have to do for myself, I'm just scared at the moment.
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Old 08-17-2014, 11:42 PM   #8 (permalink)
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P.s.
My husband's father was an abusive alcoholic. Similar to what you shared. A whole childhood of relationship training makes them the men they are. There is nothing you can do or not do better to make them different. You are only helping him stay the same by pretending everything is o.k. No matter how painful it is, it's worth it to step back and take time.
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Old 08-17-2014, 11:45 PM   #9 (permalink)
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You are thinking clearly and right. Don't be an enabler too. Let him move back home. Let them enable. You don't have to rescue him from them. Keep that in mind. Enabling is enabling whether it's under your roof or under his parent's roof. I know you care for him, but sometimes the best love for somebody is to let them fail and then walk on their own. It makes them stronger. And you don't know what God has in store for you. Something better is on the horizon. Work on yourself. Ask yourself WHY do I put up with this? Ask and you will find out!
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Old 08-17-2014, 11:52 PM   #10 (permalink)
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You've given me teary eyes
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Old 08-17-2014, 11:54 PM   #11 (permalink)
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The fact that you are here tells me you are already getting stronger. You are looking for answers and you are a very intelligent lady. I can tell by the way you articulate your feelings and how you are seeking help. You are strong and do NOT forget that. You don't have to do this, and you WILL be able to get through the pain and dramatic events that are coming your way whether you decide to end it or stay in it. Whatever you decide to do for yourself, I can tell you that you are way ahead of where I was, and I trust that your sharp mind and your loving heart will lead you to the right thing to do. Nobody can decide for you what to do next except you, and I would never judge you for what you choose. Everybody has their own private and intricate situation to deal with. I trust completely that you are going to keep seeking the right path for yourself and for him, and the reason I can say that is because you already are seeking help here. You are very wise. Don't ever forget that. People that loathe themselves will try to bring you very low. Don't forget that either.

Praying for wisdom for you my dear friend in this world of complicated relationships. I am here for you any time you need through this difficult situation, and I'm sure there are many others that God will bring into your path to help you through this difficult decision making time.
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Old 08-18-2014, 04:03 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Hey feelsohelpless, I just wanted to say hello!!

You'll find loads of support here on SR!!
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