Bachelor party with booze + possibly drugs coming up... How do I go about this?
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Originally Posted by james186 
I wouldn't want to lol. People are kind of dicks after that much booze and dope.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
In a friendship there should be mutual respect and 'owes' if that's what you want to call them. You 'owe' him the fact that you have to go. By the same token he 'owes' you the respect that if you have decided to quit drinking he should reapect that. He doesn't have to understand it, 'get' it or agree with it but he should accept and respect your decision. If he doesn't then he's a drinking buddy, not a true friend.
Since I got sober I realize I don't owe anyone anything. I just need to be true to myself. If I was supposed to go to such an event so early on in sobriety I just wouldn't have gone. I know if I had gone I would have drunk. It's not about self control, more self preservation. Be honest- do you really think you will go and NOT drink? Why put yourself in that position.
Not going is an option, if you are serious about and value your sobriety. It's tough getting sober and we have to make awkward decisions sometimes but you know-you have to put yourself first sometimes.
Since I got sober I realize I don't owe anyone anything. I just need to be true to myself. If I was supposed to go to such an event so early on in sobriety I just wouldn't have gone. I know if I had gone I would have drunk. It's not about self control, more self preservation. Be honest- do you really think you will go and NOT drink? Why put yourself in that position.
Not going is an option, if you are serious about and value your sobriety. It's tough getting sober and we have to make awkward decisions sometimes but you know-you have to put yourself first sometimes.
Recovered from Hopeless State
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New Jersey, USA
Posts: 2,156
Originally Posted by anykey
If I had the choice to be at a drunken frat party- or a root canal- I would go to the root canal
pray for strength
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: New England
Posts: 2,414
Originally Posted by james186
If you really want to stay clean/dry you're gonna need some stones.
Hah!Great advice and support here.
I would also add the story HealthFirst:
A first friend in life, one of my longest, and bridesmaid in my wedding, was married after me and I could not be a part of her pre-wedding festivities - despite wanting to desperately be there for her, show the love, and return the favor.
I pleaded with her despite being sick as a dog and in really scary shape, to please, please, please understand. Much to my shock and surprise...she did not understand. There was nothing I could do to change the situation or her response.
The reality is that she wanted me to be there to celebrate her happiness - I wanted to be with her and the wedding posse as well, felt I owed her and had let her down. And she could not forgive me. Despite knowing each other forever...we had totally different conceptions of what it means to be a 'true friend'.
There is no way on earth that she would have respected my sobriety (if that were the scenario at the time). It would have hurt but the conclusion...not 'true friends' would have been the same.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Sheffield U.K
Posts: 204
Originally Posted by anykey
Thanking out loud- I wonder if another person at that party is or should be in recovery.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,997
Hi Health,
This got me thinking. Sorry I'm late but still...got me thinking.
Just my opinion but this isn't much different than a lot of challenges that came up when I quit.
How the heck do I stop doing what I was doing and still do somethings I feel I need, want, or feel I have to do?? Hmmm. It seemed complicated at first.
I guess I just had to do what I knew I needed to do. And I do mean what "I needed". How other people chose to react was going to have to be their problem..or not.
Yes I always had a choice to do what I needed at the time I needed it. No question there. I always had the choice. I just was pretty bad at making a right one. So I knew I needed to get good at it pronto or it would just keep being a problem.
I'm afraid this is something you are going to have to come to your own conclusion on.
How bad do you want your life to be different? Whether you go or don't go the only way you can change your life is to do the complete opposite of what you used to do. And that sounds like to me it's either you don't go or you don't partake of any drinking or drugging.
If you go, maybe take it upon yourself to be the only one sober who can call 911 if something bad happens. Massive drinking and drugging doesn't sound like a good idea no matter who is doing it.
This got me thinking. Sorry I'm late but still...got me thinking.
Just my opinion but this isn't much different than a lot of challenges that came up when I quit.
How the heck do I stop doing what I was doing and still do somethings I feel I need, want, or feel I have to do?? Hmmm. It seemed complicated at first.
I guess I just had to do what I knew I needed to do. And I do mean what "I needed". How other people chose to react was going to have to be their problem..or not.
Yes I always had a choice to do what I needed at the time I needed it. No question there. I always had the choice. I just was pretty bad at making a right one. So I knew I needed to get good at it pronto or it would just keep being a problem.
I'm afraid this is something you are going to have to come to your own conclusion on.
How bad do you want your life to be different? Whether you go or don't go the only way you can change your life is to do the complete opposite of what you used to do. And that sounds like to me it's either you don't go or you don't partake of any drinking or drugging.
If you go, maybe take it upon yourself to be the only one sober who can call 911 if something bad happens. Massive drinking and drugging doesn't sound like a good idea no matter who is doing it.
Reborn 8th December 2013
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by HealthFirst
I feel like I'm always complaining, I'm sorry in advance. I just need advice about dealing with all of these new situations.
In my group of friends, I've always been the guy to count on to get drunk with. We almost ALWAYS have a drink when we hang out.
One of my best friends is having a bachelor party and we are getting a hotel room "to party in" as they put it. I have no doubt, this room will be filled with alcohol. It is EXPECTED that we drink heavily during this time to "celebrate" his upcoming wedding.
I am really frightened to be with these guys over a two-day period. I've known most of them for over 20 years and its rare that any of us ever got together without drinking.
I've thought about being up front and saying "I'm not drinking; it doesn't get along with my body", but I know with certainty that the result will include "come on, it's my bachelor party", "come on, not this weekend", and any other variety.
I would like to eventually have the talk with them that I'm done with alcohol, but not before/during the bachelor party. It'll be too much pressure to put up with over there - and I'd rather them focus on having a good time than on me. Has anybody used excuses that they're on antibiotics (or other meds) to avoid the pressure? I really don't want to lie, but it'll be really hard for these guys to understand that I quit drinking for an event like this.
For context, there was heavy alcohol and drug use during my bachelor party not too long ago.
Please don't recommend not going. I realize this is the "best" way to avoid any possible slip ups. I know that I can control myself, I just hate having to deal with all the B.S. judgment.
I'm sorry if this all sounds silly... but I figure someone out there can share something that can help.
In my group of friends, I've always been the guy to count on to get drunk with. We almost ALWAYS have a drink when we hang out.
One of my best friends is having a bachelor party and we are getting a hotel room "to party in" as they put it. I have no doubt, this room will be filled with alcohol. It is EXPECTED that we drink heavily during this time to "celebrate" his upcoming wedding.
I am really frightened to be with these guys over a two-day period. I've known most of them for over 20 years and its rare that any of us ever got together without drinking.
I've thought about being up front and saying "I'm not drinking; it doesn't get along with my body", but I know with certainty that the result will include "come on, it's my bachelor party", "come on, not this weekend", and any other variety.
I would like to eventually have the talk with them that I'm done with alcohol, but not before/during the bachelor party. It'll be too much pressure to put up with over there - and I'd rather them focus on having a good time than on me. Has anybody used excuses that they're on antibiotics (or other meds) to avoid the pressure? I really don't want to lie, but it'll be really hard for these guys to understand that I quit drinking for an event like this.
For context, there was heavy alcohol and drug use during my bachelor party not too long ago.
Please don't recommend not going. I realize this is the "best" way to avoid any possible slip ups. I know that I can control myself, I just hate having to deal with all the B.S. judgment.
I'm sorry if this all sounds silly... but I figure someone out there can share something that can help.
Not silly at all, I initially made out I was on medication but the longer I stayed sober I just told anyone who asked the real reason behind it and I got a few pats on the back for it.
Recovered from Hopeless State
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New Jersey, USA
Posts: 2,156
I struggled for 7 long, torturous years trying to get sober. I don't recall EVER getting anything but full support from anyone who saw I was sober and trying to stay that way; old drinking buddies included. I know now that if I didn't from someone, I'd try to stay away from them.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 73
Thank you all. I will speak with my friends in advance so that they know not to cross that line. I spoke with the gentleman who took my hand and welcomed me into my first AA meeting about the situation. He is not my sponsor, but we've talked daily. He said GO... but have a plan B, and C. Be ready to exit. I feel like this is the best advice for me. As a newcomer, I hate to speak up - but telling me that I will drink if I go is disheartening and not necessarily "the truth". It creates doubt and feeds the "alcoholic voice". I like to hear the truth - and shared stories from experiences - but to be told I will do something in a moment of vulnerability when I came for support is not helpful, nor the truth.
Thanks to all who chimed in. It will help me take the situation more seriously and put in place the proper measures to ensure that I don't slip.
Thanks to all who chimed in. It will help me take the situation more seriously and put in place the proper measures to ensure that I don't slip.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 4,225
Originally Posted by HealthFirst
Thanks to all who chimed in. It will help me take the situation more seriously and put in place the proper measures to ensure that I don't slip.
I admire you for seeing some tough comments for what they are - not personal attacks, but us trying to knock out any AV reasoning.
Whatever you decide, each and every one of us wants the best outcome for you.
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
If there's no alternative to going you've already made up your mind. You seem pretty convinced that you'll be fine but the fact that you posted and asked tells me there is some percentage of questioning in your own mind.
I wish you the best. If this were me this early on it would be nothing but a recipe for disaster. The thought of hanging out with my drinking buddies at an event where the sole purpose is to get annihilated while I sat there and watched makes me shudder. What would bother me the most is not that I couldn't drink but that I would be in for an evening of self induced torture.
This must be some friend.
In your very first post you said:
You're already lamenting over one drink for something low key. If that bothers you how well are you going to do at an event that's geared solely around booze and possibly drugs where annihilation is the key goal?
I feel for you and I'm being completely sincere.
I wish you the best. If this were me this early on it would be nothing but a recipe for disaster. The thought of hanging out with my drinking buddies at an event where the sole purpose is to get annihilated while I sat there and watched makes me shudder. What would bother me the most is not that I couldn't drink but that I would be in for an evening of self induced torture.
This must be some friend.
In your very first post you said:
I don't want to quit because I feel like a glass of wine for an anniversary, or a pina colada by the pool during the summer is part of the experience of these types of events. But hell, maybe I'm just in denial.
I feel for you and I'm being completely sincere.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 73
Originally Posted by LadyBlue0527
If there's no alternative to going you've already made up your mind. You seem pretty convinced that you'll be fine but the fact that you posted and asked tells me there is some percentage of questioning in your own mind.
I wish you the best. If this were me this early on it would be nothing but a recipe for disaster. The thought of hanging out with my drinking buddies at an event where the sole purpose is to get annihilated while I sat there and watched makes me shudder. What would bother me the most is not that I couldn't drink but that I would be in for an evening of self induced torture.
This must be some friend.
In your very first post you said:
You're already lamenting over one drink for something low key. If that bothers you how well are you going to do at an event that's geared solely around booze and possibly drugs where annihilation is the key goal?
I feel for you and I'm being completely sincere.
I wish you the best. If this were me this early on it would be nothing but a recipe for disaster. The thought of hanging out with my drinking buddies at an event where the sole purpose is to get annihilated while I sat there and watched makes me shudder. What would bother me the most is not that I couldn't drink but that I would be in for an evening of self induced torture.
This must be some friend.
In your very first post you said:
You're already lamenting over one drink for something low key. If that bothers you how well are you going to do at an event that's geared solely around booze and possibly drugs where annihilation is the key goal?
I feel for you and I'm being completely sincere.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by HealthFirst
I posted this particular thread to see how to deal with friends who may try to pressure me.
everything is already ok
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Melbourne Victoria Australia
Posts: 19,793
So many people have said it in so many ways, look after yourself and later you can look after those you love.
As with Dee, for me that meant not going where there was a lot of booze or drugs until it no longer presented a problem to me as it does to you, or you would not be asking.
Plan B would be have someone you can call to come and meet you and leave if it gets to much.
It would be hilarious if this dis-ease was not a question of life and death. Look at your question again and make sure your not setting yourself up? Including shopping around for the answer you want to hear.
As with Dee, for me that meant not going where there was a lot of booze or drugs until it no longer presented a problem to me as it does to you, or you would not be asking.
Plan B would be have someone you can call to come and meet you and leave if it gets to much.
It would be hilarious if this dis-ease was not a question of life and death. Look at your question again and make sure your not setting yourself up? Including shopping around for the answer you want to hear.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Gulf Coast, Florida USA
Posts: 5,731
Originally Posted by ScottFromWI
Let me ask you this...what exactly do you think you will DO while you are are at the party? Everyone else will be pretty much exclusively focused on getting wasted the entire time. Since you can't, what really is the point? Also consider that your friends may actually be more dissapointed that you are there and not drinking than they would be if you just didn't even show up/backed out.
Good point!
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