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Old 06-19-2004, 01:00 PM   #1 (permalink)
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addict, codie, I dont know where to put this


Sorry I just need to vent. Why is this so difficult!!! I have had serious codependancy issues with my wife since the first day we met. now as I am starting to veiw this as a major character deffect and a big cause of a lot of my misery to begin with, I just cant let go. I know I need to detatch and I feel I have made huge strides in this, but I cant help but feel guilty of how this is affecting her. I know now that I have to put my sobriety first, I can't save her anymore. what she does with her own sobriety is not my responsibility anymore. I got a letter a few days ago from her asking me why I seem so distant, and accusing me of having a girlfriend (she is in jail by the way, I havent seen her in almost 2 years, but due to come home soon) Today we spoke on the phone and I felt I need to be honest with her. I havent felt too good about myself lately and a lot of it has been because i feel like a fake. when ever she calls its the ussual routine "oh I love you so much, I cant stand to be with out you, I NEED you" today I answered her ?'s that i dont have a girlfriend, but i have made some emotional connections with friends that are working a program both male and female, and that I have learned alot about myself. I dont like feeling dependant on anyone anymore, It's a suffocating feeling. I like the fact that I dont have to rely others happiness to rate my own. I feel like walt disney has corrupted my mind into believing a fairytale which includes love at first sight, and soulmates forever. I just dont believe that crap anymore. As far as my feelings for her, I can't say what they are right now, we haven't been together in so long, and we have both changed so much, Me especially. She has been my wife for almost 10 years and the mother of my 2 children. I'm not giving up on her without a chance, but things will have to change. They cant be like they were before or I will be right back where I was before miserable and eventually using, and I just dont see her making any changes. Now with all that said lol why do I feel so guilty about being honest with her? It was so hard hearing her crying on the phone and then in addition she also tells me they got her on some new psych meds in addition to the ones she has already been taking, because she feels suicidal lately. I just cant deal with this stuff right now. well I'm off to work, thanks for listening to me whoever reads this

mike
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Old 06-19-2004, 01:35 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Mike

I think you did the right thing, for yourself and for her, by just being honest about your feelings and where you stand right now. Because you were honest and straightforward, doesn't mean that she will receive the news well, but that is her issue and not something you need to feel guilty about. And what she said about new medication and feeling suicidal was probably a guilt trip being laid on you, and you don't have to take ownership of that either.

She will be how she will be, today and when she gets out. If she wants recovery, she will find it and work her own program, whether she is with you or not. If she says she needs you to stay clean, you know that is a red flag, because nobody can do recovery for another person.

In the meantime, my suggestion is to keep working your program, and stay focused on you. If she will be getting out soon, maybe sit down one day soon and write out what YOU want out of life, and if it includes her, perhaps some boundaries that are about what you are willing to live with and what you are not, and how you will handle yourself if things go bad.

My fellowship is CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) and close to half of the members of my home group were also recovering addicts or alcoholics, who were dealing with issues of codependency just as you are. Working the two programs together (CoDA and NA or AA) seemed to be a good solution for them as one enhanced the other. Also, there is nothing to stop you from going to Nar-Anon or Al-Anon if CoDA is not available. Contrary to the belief of many addicts, these fellowships are about US and our issues and codependency, and not at all about what substance the person we loved used. You might want to try one of those meetings to see how you feel.

Also, you are more than welcome to visit to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon boards here and share your concerns and maybe get more feedback from others who have been where you are.

The important thing is to take care of yourself first. You are the only person to whom you are accountable.

Hugs
Ann
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Old 06-19-2004, 02:13 PM   #3 (permalink)
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((((((((((((((((((mike)))))))))))))))))),

You did good babe!! I believe honesty will help more than it hurts even if it hurts at first. Telling the truth can be kinda like having a necessary surgery. Still, the hurt ain't nothing like what believing lies does to a person. I believe you did your wife a favor. She's in a place where she has a lot of time to think it is good she is going to have some truth bouncing around in her brain and it might turn her thinking around.

Mike you have come a long way since I met you. I know you are a very compassionate person and, that you want what is best for you and your family. The truth will set you and her free and it doesn't have to mean you won't be together. What it could mean is that you won't have any illusions and that you will find real love instead of sickness. I am all the way for it working out for the two of you. You keep truth up front and follow it's light and don't be afraid. 1 more 4 u.
Take care!!
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Old 06-19-2004, 02:52 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Big Hugs to you Mike!! You did the right thing by being honest. That will have to be what you and your wife base your relationship on. Lieing or not telling the whole truth just makes matters worse, or doesn't help anything in the long run. It is hard for us to see/hear those we care about suffering. Sometimes we just have to bite the bullet, you know?

You have made great progress and have helped so many others. Keep at it and don't let anybody or anything stand in your way. You have reclaimed your life. You are making it better. I'm so proud of you!!

Much love to you my friend,
Missy
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Old 06-19-2004, 02:55 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Our passion plays are different, but the emotions much the same. Not much I can add Mike. We claim spiritual progress no...
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Old 06-19-2004, 04:33 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Hi Mike!
I am a bit confused...what's new?
Who is in jail...the girlfriend or the wife?
Is there even a girlfiend?

I realized today that I have soooooo many issues to deal with, I am amazed.
Have I really been this stunted in emotional growth by having an addiction and depression and a crazy, crazy childhood..yadayadayada.
I am having to go back to the very beginning, friggin uterus man!
My mom was way confused.
So any way...

I have a hard time with honesty, I am nice and say the right thing. Then later I feel angry that I did not say what I really meant, what I really wanted.

Gratefully it has been getting easier everyday that I am sober.

Sharing here with ya'll has been really good for me. I beleive that if we can love and support each other and learn to deal with our demons that we can love each other out of the darkness and into the light.

Mike I am reading a good book right now..."Cool, hip & sober (88 ways to beat booze and drugs) by: Bill Manville.
I am getting alot out of it.
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Old 06-20-2004, 12:45 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Thanks for the replies . For me right now I feel like I have to keep moving forward. There is no same for me, I'm either moving ahead or I'm moving back. Continuing to pretend everything will be just fine and normal once we (jen and I) are back together again has helped me get through some rough times while trying to get clean on my own. Now that I have found tools and a program that is working for me, mostly NA and some AA, I'm not just abstaining anymore. I will look into CoDA ann thanks for that, and I do attend some naranon and alanon meetings here on SR, but not always for the right reasons. Maybe some f2f might be differen't. I just have one more question to anyone out there, Is or does anyone else know any other addicts out there who have had a, what I consider, long term relationship/marriage with another addict... what I mean is has anyone met an SO during active addiction, spent significant time active with that person, and then both cleaned up and worked program with any sucsess?
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Old 06-20-2004, 11:52 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Mike, I believe anything is possible when there is hope...A relationship built on a solid foundation is the best one to stand during any strorm that might come...If you know you want to do something important in your life...Such as marriage and you make no plans for your home...The likely hood of success in this area is very slim...Well, the same thing applies here in this situation...In order to bring your marriage back together there needs to be a time where you two can counsel...Work on yourselfs individually....Make commitments to yourself to change...We are only able to change ourselfs and no one else....Then a slow court ship ( with limited physical contact) ...Then while seeking marriage counseling...Then ask yourselves"How can we build our marriage to a firm and sound foundation?" One in which this will not be allowed to conqueror and win again!!!! I truly believe....God is the sourse of a happy marriage...and that without him we can't understand how to walk in agreement....I so hope you find the peace you're looking for Mike...Always...Jilly
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Old 06-21-2004, 11:04 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Mike,
I agree with everything Ann said (she's a very smart woman! :smile: )
It sounds to me like you're getting a little worried about what will happen to your lives when she gets out. All you can do is take it one day at a time and see what happens. Whatever happens, remember, it's God's plan. Keep working on you and you'll just have to wait and see what happens with her when she's home.
I'm glad you were honest with her. I was in a similar situation, and putting off just telling him how I felt, it only postponed the inevitable (sorry for my spelling!) I was afraid of him relapsing, not taking it well, etc. And yes, that happened, but it was beyond my control.
Mike, you're doing great in your recovery, keep it your number 1 priority.



Take Care,
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Old 06-21-2004, 11:55 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Mike You definitly have some legitimate concerns. I admire your ability to recognize them. I have no words of wisdom to relay, just wanted to wish you the best of luck. I have no doubt, you will do the right thing. Continue the fight to maintain your sobriety.


Hang tough, Mike

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Old 06-21-2004, 12:51 PM   #11 (permalink)
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((((((((((((((((((((MIKE)))))))))))))))))))
Only advice I can give is be honest with yourself. Hang in there!
Love
Ann
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Old 06-21-2004, 01:14 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Thanks (((Red, Talia, Ann, Jilly))) I have been trying to take it slow and keep it in today. I have no idea what will happen when jen comes home, so I will wait until then and see. I just felt like I wasnt being honest with her about how I feel right now. so by not being upfront with her, it was affecting how I feel today and not so much how I think I am going to feel when she comes home in the fall. We talked some more yesterday and it was funny because I was picking out classic moves she was making trying to make me feel guilty. I don't even think she realizes she is doing it. I know I used to do a lot of the same things and I had no idea. I know I can't change anyone else, I'm just really glad I have changed and continue to change myself. I noticed I didn't hear any specific responses on my last question has anyone ever had or seen first hand a relationship between two addicts that were running mates get and stay clean together in a healthy way. where one was not carrying the other one so to speak Maybe I'm looking for validation that I am hoping for a lost cause, and I have a right to think thats it's just not worth trying, because I feel like that sometimes. But then I think of my kids, and Jen. I feel like I owe them, I know this is supposed to be a selfish program and about me, but jeez if that alone doesnt make you feel a little lousey about yourself then what does. In some ways I feel like I have been using my wife, because it has been inferred by the court and others involved that me getting my kids back hinges on my wife coming to live with me and us being together. I am still very confused about a lot of things that is why I am taking it slow and not making any major desicions. I have been getting a lot better at letting things go and owning my actions, but I still have very far to go. thanks again, and like I said any ESH on two people that met in rehab, were married 3 months later, spent 10 years desperately codependant and addicted together and then came through to the other side let me know I'd love to hear that story
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Old 06-21-2004, 01:32 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Mike-
oh.... so sad to have this kind of fear and pain. Yes, I DO know a couple who met... well, early in their process. Not who USED together, but who met while detoxing... it was (is) my sponsor and her husband.

My sponsor was on methadone for a very long time in the beginning of her recovery process/journey... and her husband was just getting out of a halfway house. So no, they didn't use together, but they did know each other well before they had really embraced any major changes in themselves... they were two very sick individuals and they had to employ MAJOR boundaries in the early parts of the relationship... do their OWN recoveries.

Well, they got married... had two beautiful kids and still discovered that there were increased problems that were hiding underneath - addictions in other areas - sex/love addiction that was causing lies and deceit and pain left and right. The story goes that they DID seek counseling and made commitments to each other and to themselves (written out for one another) that they were willing to put into practice and really try. They each also embraced a fellowship called SLAA which is wonderful - although people often are reactive to it because it includes the word SEX in the name... They have a wonderful and insightful basic text that I enjoy reading as well - helps me get new enlightenment in relationships even if it doesn't all apply to me. Apparently there were plenty of VERY bad days, but today they are still together and committed and loving with one another and their children. They have 11 and 12 years clean and have been together as long.

I don't get the impression that this was an easy road for either of them. - or for any of the friends that lived through it with them... but they did it because they both had willingness to go to any lengths to make it work just like they did for their recovery... that is the key as far as I can see it. ANd the acknowledgment that LOVE is a VERB - not just a noun.

It can be done, but it isn't easy. I think you know that... I am thinking about looking into CoDA out here my way too... I am not married, but I am in a painfully difficult relationship with another recovering addict. I invite my own pain and I am very clear that I am a volunteer as opposed to a victim anymore - I want it to stop (not the relationship, but the pain)... and it is all up to me isn't it?

Relationships are so hard... I commend you too for all your willingness to get uncomfortable and to do the right things for yourself in your recovery and hopefully for the marriage as well - it IS worth the work if you are both willing!

Hang in there! hugs, amanda
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Old 06-21-2004, 01:38 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Hi Mike

I have heard of people who have gotten sober together and both work their own individual programs.
If your wife is willing to truly work her own recovery, for herself and you feel comfortable with that then you certainly have a chance.

If that is not the case you are going to have to do what is best for you and your recovery...no matter what. Otherwise you are not giving yourself the chance you deserve to stay sober.
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