Mike-
oh.... so sad to have this kind of fear and pain. Yes, I DO know a couple who met... well, early in their process. Not who USED together, but who met while detoxing... it was (is) my sponsor and her husband.
My sponsor was on methadone for a very long time in the beginning of her recovery process/journey... and her husband was just getting out of a halfway house. So no, they didn't use together, but they did know each other well before they had really embraced any major changes in themselves... they were two very sick individuals and they had to employ MAJOR boundaries in the early parts of the relationship... do their OWN recoveries.
Well, they got married... had two beautiful kids and still discovered that there were increased problems that were hiding underneath - addictions in other areas - sex/love addiction that was causing lies and deceit and pain left and right. The story goes that they DID seek counseling and made commitments to each other and to themselves (written out for one another) that they were willing to put into practice and really try. They each also embraced a fellowship called SLAA which is wonderful - although people often are reactive to it because it includes the word SEX in the name... They have a wonderful and insightful basic text that I enjoy reading as well - helps me get new enlightenment in relationships even if it doesn't all apply to me. Apparently there were plenty of VERY bad days, but today they are still together and committed and loving with one another and their children. They have 11 and 12 years clean and have been together as long.
I don't get the impression that this was an easy road for either of them. - or for any of the friends that lived through it with them... but they did it because they both had willingness to go to any lengths to make it work just like they did for their recovery... that is the key as far as I can see it. ANd the acknowledgment that LOVE is a VERB - not just a noun.
It can be done, but it isn't easy. I think you know that... I am thinking about looking into CoDA out here my way too... I am not married, but I am in a painfully difficult relationship with another recovering addict. I invite my own pain and I am very clear that I am a volunteer as opposed to a victim anymore - I want it to stop (not the relationship, but the pain)... and it is all up to me isn't it?
Relationships are so hard... I commend you too for all your willingness to get uncomfortable and to do the right things for yourself in your recovery and hopefully for the marriage as well - it IS worth the work if you are both willing!
Hang in there! hugs, amanda