Marria

I identify with a lot of what you have written Dippy and it makes me sad as it reminds me of what my alcoholism put me through. Until I stopped and stayed stopped.

Like you I am a single mom and I drank to relax, as a reward when the kids were in bed. I deserved it, what was the harm, everyone drinks.... Then I began to drink more, then I began to hide my drinking, then I took risks with drinking and driving, then I drank in the morning, at lunchtime, at home after a night out etc etc. And all the time I struggled with moderating,stopping, starting and questioning if I really was an alcoholic. While I battled in my head about my drinking I tried my best to limit my intake.
You see it wasn't the volume, it was the mental obsession that hurt the most.

And so many times I planned my last drink like that would stop me and that I needed to mark the end of my relationship with alcohol. And every time my last drink was not my last drink and then I would beat myself up mentally about how weak I was and then start the whole mind games again.

I read and posted on SR, I read books about addiction, it all helped but somehow I wasn't ready to stop. I went to AA meetings and they also helped but I still didn't stop for good. Then I believed I was the worst kind of alcoholic, the kind that could never get sober. I was well and truly convinced that there was no hope of recovery in my case.

Then one day I did have my last drink, a glass of red wine in a restaurant. There was nothing special about it, nothing at all, just another glass.... It was only in looking back at that drink after days, weeks, months and now over a year that I realised it only matters because I haven't followed it with another one.

You absolutely can do it Dippy, you will have a far better life and you will be there 100% for your kids as much as that is possible!! I'm not a perfect Mum, but I am a sober one. My kids think I'm really boring now because I don't drink anymore!

I ended a relationship with a heavy drinker just before I stopped drinking. I knew I had to do this without the pressure of drinking as a couple. He didn't believe I had a problem, and that fed right into my doubts about the reality of my addiction

Dippy I know this is a long post but I truly want to say what I can to help you. I hope you keep posting and that you never give up on a better life for you and your children xxx

Dippy

Thanks. He has gone, a bit more enlightened to my perspective I think. I chatted whilst he drank a couple of bottles of ale and he skirted around him drinking too much, to escape, too. I think he was genuine but I also think he wants to do what he can to stay part of my life, not being conceited, he wears his heart on his sleeve.
I had to keep picking him up when he kept slotting things in like' but you can still drink on special occasions, or the weekend'. But day one sober under my belt!!
Thanks

Dippy

Marria , thank you I have just read this. I mean it when I say I totally identify with that. I have even felt I was a better mum when I was drinking, more relaxed. But I know it's not true.. I lose my boundaries and must be confusing for the children.
You are so right about the mental obsession hurting...I felt tortured with it yesterday and plenty of days before that. Nearly everyone around me drinks....it's a massive change...you sound amazing to have achieved what you have.

Dippy

Good morning day two

Dippy

Just a quick aside, I slept beautifully and, cheesy though this sounds, only had nice dreams about playing on the beach with my children

Louise82

Congrats on reaching day 2 Dippy! Glad that you slept so well.

Needsupport3

I am also a single mom and know exactly how you feel..... i say today is the day and by the afternoon when work is almost done i am planning to have that last drink again !!!!

Dippy

Well day 2 under my belt. A friend took my to dinner tonight..lovely restaurant. Everyone was drinking wine. I managed to have mineral water and enjoy the food and spending time with her. And I know I won't feel crap in the morning.
I know this is not easy though...those thoughts are already trying to find a back door into my head.
But this is a chance, and I am taking it.
needsupport3 , join me? X

Marria

Well done Dippy! Two days that's fantastic xx

Mountainmanbob

the true facts are
many don't get a chance
I have known more than one die with a bottle in their hand
if one is alcoholic ?
this can happen

be grateful -- for -- sobriety is a blessing some never see

Mountainman

jkb

Hi Dippy-

Just thought I would chime in. I did plan my last drink. I quit drinking in March of last year but, part of me knew that when I went home on vacation I would drink. So, I stayed sober until one night in November when I was on vacation and then I had a drink.

Now let me tell you I had been sober for 8 months and I had sensationalized that drink in my head for that entire 8 months. I didn't miss drinking by then but, I did want that one drink, at a particular tiki bar, with my brother....like we had done many times. So, I finally had that drink at said tiki bar with my brother.

You know what.... it was not great. It was mediocre at best. The people were not how I had remembered, the music didn't sound the way I had imagined, the drink didn't even make me feel the way I thought it would.

In fact I felt stupid for getting sucked back in to the whole scene and I realized it was all a delusion. That was when I knew alcohell and I were through.

Sounds like you are getting to that point...
hugs,

Jess

Dippy

Wow thank you for all your support. It's amazing. Day three done, a few headaches and a bit of vagueness but ok. Lots of deep breaths as that fist in my chest feeling started to creep on me.
But nice bedtimes with my children, without me rushing them to sleep so I could get to the lounge to 'relax'...
And I made it clear to my parents that alcohol is the lead character in all my mistakes and regrets and that we can't be associates anymore. Mum was great.
Hope you are all having meaningful days xxx

Dippy

Bonjour day four

Marria

You're doing great and I love what you said about the nice bedtimes with your kids. That's exactly how I used to act, rushing off so I could sit on the couch with my glass and bottle of wine. Treasure those moments because now mine are teenagers and no more bedtime stories or lullabies!!
It's so good that your Mum is supportive that should help you a lot.
And keep using SR! The support you get here is from people who remember exactly what it's like in early sobriety. And it helps us to stay sober too because it's a real reminder of how fortunate we are. I dread to think what my life would be like if I hadn't stopped because I could see the addiction progressing and my thinking getting more and more focused on drink.

Enjoy Day 4 and well done again. Each day sober is giving you the freedom you deserve!

Dippy

Thanks Marria x we are just chilling this morning and playing games instead of me Just sticking the tv on and doing the basics. ..
This is my trigger day though, Sunday. My parents have the children in the evening and that has been the day on the last few weeks that I have caved in. Am on a four day Intuitive Recovery course tomorrow though so am motivated to not fall backwards and not turn up fuzzy round the edges x

Dippy

feeling pathetic

Hearts

*hugs* Why are you feeling pathetic? You've been doing lots of strong things.

Dippy

I drank last night.not loads, but if I could have got hold of some more I would have. I'm pathetic.I work in this field and I can't sort myself

Dee74

I'm sorry.
That really puts in between a rock and a hard place Dippy.

The only advice I can give you is if you don't break cover now and find support, your addiction will surely break your cover for you soon or later.

I went the second option and lost my career twice.
Looking back I'd much rather it be my choice, and act sooner.

D

Dippy

thanks.am getting alcohol counselling through a sister agency and am on a recovery course all this week.am praying something changes in me