Olive1

If this was me and I had the old 20/20 hindsight go back in time thing going, I would realize that this was my subconscious/denial voice setting me up to go out and drink.

I have belonged to online dating sites while I was drinking and while I was sober. While drinking I categorized myself as 'social' knowing full well I was 'heavy' and I would gravitate towards the 'social/frequent' drinkers because I didn't want my daily drinking to be so obvious. Since I have been sober, I gravitate towards the 'never' drinkers.

I didn't go out looking for a date for well into two years of sobriety. I needed to fix the relationship with myself before I could even think about a relationship with anyone else.

ReadyAtLast

Of course not That's not really the issue though. The guy says he's a 'frequent' drinker. Plus the issue of getting into new relationships dating in the first couple of weeks of sobriety.

NewBeginning010

Can I ask... how did he respond to you when you said that you were not currently drinking for health/cross country skiing?

Was he supportive with an "Thats awesome" or was he like "oh... ok.... I guess we can just go for coffee if thats all you can do right now"..

I hope you have a good night, only coffee & that he is a nice guy that supports you being healthly

Razorback

Ready, if you still want to date now, one other alternative would be to cancel this date, change the drinking on your profile to "never" and only date "never drinks" guys. That might be a good start to a new, non-drinking circle of friends and fun clean activities?

DoubleBarrel

EVERYONE knows that the socially acceptable thing to put in online dating profiles is social drinker/drinks occasionally. Even YOU did that.

Someone who puts regular or heavy drinker is more than likely alcoholic, and they don't want to get any grief about it.

ReadyAtLast

Good advice -it's not me though I was just responding to the OP

Dee74

Like a few others have said I waited until I started dating again.

I know early recovery can be lonely, especially if we haven't had human contact for a while thanks to drinking, but dating can be stressful, even at the best of times.

Add to that the fact that this guy thinks you're a drinker, and it's a really difficult situation to handle at just 8 days.

Unless you have a stress release in place to replace the one we used for years I think it makes sense to wait until you're a little stronger.

Also, I needed to get to know sober me before I got to know anyone else. I'm glad I waited.

D

boombox

Hmmm very good advice from everyone on this--I take back my original advice to go on the date. I'm new to this sobriety lark, and sorry if I've given duff advice.

I totally am behind the "look after yourself" vibe that's essential in early sobriety. It does seem silly to put yourself into a situation which tempts you.

Hope I wasn't misleading.

ZeldaFan

Personally, I would cancel the date. There are too many potentially negative factors at play here. The fact he thinks you are only taking a break from drinking paired with the fact he admits he drink regularly is unlikely to have a happy ending. I would put your profile on hold for awhile, focus on yourself and then get back on as someone who doesn't drink. I've been at this sobriety thing for a couple of months and I'm having a hard enough time as it is alone. I wouldn't want to add the stress of dating to the mix.

Anna

Sorry, but I agree with not going on the date. At 8 days sober, I had not even begun to unearth the person that I was. I can imagine you meeting this guy, being swept up in the newness of it all, and deciding that sobriety could wait for awhile.

And, I say SO often on these boards, honesty counts. Honesty is not just a cornerstone of recovery, it is the basis of recovery. I'm not saying you should tell people you don't drink, but if you are putting a dating profile out there and it's important for you to stay sober, then honesty is the only way to go.

anyistoomuch

WOW everyone! Thank you so much for all of this feedback. All of this support is heartwarming. It has given me a lot to think about.

First of all - I am going to take the wise advice of just saying I am a non-drinker on my profile.

Second - I am meeting him on Sunday at 3pm, and in the course of conversation I will tell him that I have turned a corner with alcohol and have decided I have to be a total abstainer. I'll see where it goes from there. I honestly and deeply appreciate everyone's concern, but I have complete confidence that there is nothing in this getting-to-meet-this-guy situation that will make me want to have that first drink. I can be positively reptilian about relations outside my core group of family and friends, so I can easily walk away or laugh off a bad date with the joy of knowing I have a funny story to tell my friends. My concern in my post is more about the: "what ifs" it works out and "man, I really isolated myself with alcohol." I know that he probably won't want to continue to see me, but that's how it goes. I went on a date once where the guy didn't want to see me again because "I looked too much like his ex-girlfriend". Um, how can I take that personally?

THANK YOU SO MUCH for giving me a lot to think about. I STILL haven't come out as a non-drinker to the people I know, but making that change in my profile is a big step. Clearly, my relationship with Pinot Grigio was the longest and most stable relationship I ever had... ha ha

WARM HUGS

anyistoomuch

And oh yeah! Forgot to say I am ON DAY NINE!

anyistoomuch

go sawx!

BikerAcct

I have had two coffee dates since being sober, both with women I've met online. Both of their profiles said they were social drinkers.

As far as the drinking aspect goes. In my profiles, I just don't answer the question, I leave it blank, and say I'm looking for a non, or rare, drinker. That gives them an idea of what I am, without stating it on my profile. I will answer that question if asked at a later point if it comes up in conversation. I understand that some people may not want to date me if they know I don't drink, and that's fine. They can find that out on the coffee date, or dinner date, or whatever.

I'm a bit further along in my sobriety than you are, and thus far it's not been an issue, but I've only been on a couple of dates, and none have progressed past that initial meeting. (I wasn't too interested after meeting ). Good luck to you.

360shoes

Hi Any,
That's is awesome that you can look at this as just a date. Keep that attitude going. The truth is all good relationships start out as friendships anyway. That's how I look at it. I was just looking for someone to do fun things with and expand my friend catalog. Nothing more. Don't play the scenerio out in your head. Just focus on being true to yourself and know exactly what you want and accept nothing less. I always told myself that any guy I dated had to treat me at least as well as my girlfriends. I have great supportive girlfriends who want nothing but the best for me. They treat me with respect and love me just the way I am. Why would I accept less from someone else?

In fact, I dated a couple at one time. Date is the operative word. Just date. I found it very empowering. Everyone is different so I think me being honest about me is important. I don't really have too many issues with self esteem or dating when I don't drink. I just drank too damn much. Remove the drinking and I'm pretty okay. That's just me. But maybe someone else out there is similar and that way they can relate that even people with not so many other issues can still suffer from alcohol. Just me. I can't and don't speak for anyone else.

I also don't struggle with craving or wanting to go back to it too much. My problem has always been either the f it attitude or my short memory on how rotten I felt when I did drink. I work on that one by staying on SR, hitting a meeting if I feel like it, and being honest every single day no matter what the circumstance life throws at me. I need a reminder every day. Just me I'm talking about. And that's what works for me.

Anyway, I get you are still early in quitting and it could be a risk. I also get that it could be a new way to practice being true to yourself. If you get even the slightest niggle that something ain't right, don't ignore it. Be straight up with it. If I went out with someone and they were all about drinking believe me I would know. I was an expert at it. They ain't fooling me. Ask me to coffee or a movie or just a nice talk and I'm in. Ask me to go bar hopping...I'm out of there. I know what I want and it ain't a man version of the old drinking me. Heck, even when I was a drunk I didn't want to date a drunk. Hypocrite I know.

Good luck, have a nice date, or get the heck out of there and meet some new people. Don't worry about a boyfriend or husband now. Just enjoy meeting a nice friend if it turns out that way. If I started constantly thinking about do they like me, when are they going to call, I need to change who I am to keep them around.....I'd run for the hills knowing I ain't ready.

anyistoomuch

After all that, he messaged me to tell me he was going to be 1/2 hr late, and I jumped all over that opportunity to cancel and "reschedule". The only reason was that I just didn't want to deal with it today. I feel tired. But then I immediately regretted it and offered to meet him for sushi next week instead. He hasn't responded. Sigh.

So, I immediately started beating on myself because I started thinking that I am keeping myself in the isolating rut I've been in, without the alcohol. Of course, then the AV kicked in and was like "you are in for the night! you might as well drink. Of I bet CP is around for a drink!"

I did not drink. But I'm in a weird place.

People keep talking about the phenomenon that relapse occurs a few days before we pick up the first drink. Can someone point me to some of those threads? I am now 10 days in and very tired today. Feeling less secure than I was and less resolve.

Dee74

You don't need to date to get out of an isolated rut.

do some non drinking things, find some non drinking friends or friends who won;t mind not drinking. Go for coffee, see a movie, start a book club, go for a walk with a friend, play some sports....

the only limit is your imagination.

As far as relapse goes - if you feel less secure what else can you think to do to get that security back?

do you need more support? Do you need to make more changes to your life?

D

tabasco

I went on a date recently, I admitted to her before the date that I was alcoholic and I was going to AA. She said, that's brilliant, are you going through the 12 steps? I said yes, she said when she was 20 her parents made her go to NA and she had been through them too. Excellent I thought, this could work, three days later we were pissed as newts in London. Be very careful, the need for social compliance, stress, fitting in, its a dangerous thing.

chaili05

Because you said that you immediately jumped all over the chance to reschedule, do you think there's any way you could really feel not ready for a date? Even in your subconscious? Just a thought

I also agree with Dee- if you're feeling lonely and isolated (which is definitely not conducive to recovery!) you should think about doing other things to get you out of the house and interacting with others. Have you been to any AA meetings? I know they're not for everyone but they give you a chance to get outside, talk to other people who know what you're going through, and have a good laugh. I haven't been attending meetings very long but I can tell you I haven't left one meeting without having a good laugh
I find exercise helps me to feel better too when in that rut... it gets me focused on my health which assists me in not desiring a drink.

chaili05

...not that I'm one to talk about "getting out" and interacting with others... lol I've been in my room almost all day reading and posting on SR. (and eating). Happy Sunday to me!