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First date in a long time....and he's probably a drinker.

Old 11-08-2013, 05:05 AM
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First date in a long time....and he's probably a drinker.

This is me this morning.

It is Friday 7:43am in Boston. I have already had three instances since I woke up an hour ago thinking about how I am going to handle this, and noting that voice that says "oh, just deal with stopping drinking later - this weekend you can have some drinks because - Look at you! You are 8 days with no wine. You can do this anytime!"

Ha ha ha! That voice is IRRITATING. @$%^$@%@ AV!

I never had a problem drinking alone, and I enjoyed quality drinking time with my girlfriends, so I rarely dated, although I put up an online profile which I most often ignored because I was quite happy spending my fun time drinking on my own or with my buddies. (For the people here who say they are from an older generation and don't understand the online dating sites...for people in their 40s it is now that STANDARD way for urban people to meet people looking to date.)

But I went ahead and responded to someone who reached out to me online, it went well, and now I have a coffee date with him this weekend. The issue is, I created my profile when I was a wine drinker and haven't changed it in the past 10 days. In my profile - I put "drinks socially" which was a total lie because I actually was a-Daily-drinker-to-excess-abuser-of-alcohol-whether-I-can-call-myself-an-alcoholic-or-not. (funny, they don't have that option on these online sites when they ask about your drinking habits).

Either way - I want to meet this guy in person and see, because he does seem great so far, but his profile says he is a "frequent" drinker. When he suggested we meet for a drink, I told him I prefer to meet for coffee because I am off wine because I am "getting my stamina up for cross country skiing" which is not a total lie because I am getting back in shape and I do want to do a cross country class in January. Eventually, if we hit it off, he will want to get a drink, and I have a choice to make. Sigh.

I'm just sharing this, I know the only option I have is to not drink, but there is an irony in this for me.

You know - I am beginning to realize that I isolated myself with alcohol and never put myself out there to meet new people. And now that I am putting myself out there to meet new people, alcohol feels like it is STILL inserting itself.

Also - I know I am getting ahead of myself, who knows if I will even like him in person!
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Old 11-08-2013, 05:13 AM
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Oh well, it is good to get your feet wet if you've been off the market for awhile.

If you decide you like this person, however, you are faced with being honest very early before, I think, things get at all serious. He also deserves that respect since he was pretty upfront with "frequent"

Taking up with someone with an alcohol problem would be a deal breaker for me at this stage. I'm married to one and hope to work it out, but sobriety would be a main criteria in a new partner since I know I would be easily tempted during dating phase.

Good luck!
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Old 11-08-2013, 05:19 AM
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I think online dating can be a good experience if you just look at it as a nice way to meet new people and can be a good way to practice being the real you. Who cares what someone else thinks. Just go in and tell yourself worst case scenerio is you meet a new person and you may not have much in common but how will you know till you do it.

Dating is a lost art. Dating is just doing social things with someone. Don't confuse it with a relationship. And since I've done it, I would also say absolutely under no circumstances go any further than just a date if you know what I mean. The alternative will just complicate things plus that's not what people who respect themselves do. I've been there so I'm not assuming anything about you...just talking about me.

As far as the drinking thing while doing it, only you know if this is going to be hard for you. But they way I look at it is if I can't be real with a stranger who the heck can I be real with? What do I care what they think. I care about people who care about me think.

Have fun on a date but it's just a date. Hold your ground and stay away from drinking. If the dude can't handle a movie and a dinner without having to drink...move on to the next one who can!

Good luck! There are nice people on those sites but everybody has to go through a few question marks to find them.
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Old 11-08-2013, 05:42 AM
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Friend-

People that are serious about their sobriety, especially after only eight days, don't associate with people that drink. I cannot put it to you any more simpler than that. Don't delude yourself. It is just as easy to meet someone online that doesn't drink. All you have to do is state that you are a non drinker yourself.

This is about choice. At some point you need to choose. Left, or right. Only at that point will your path become clear.

Good luck and God Bless.
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Old 11-08-2013, 05:44 AM
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I dunno, if there is an option to put "drinks socially" and he put "frequent drinker" I'd be a little concerned.
If you do decide to keep your profile, just my opinion, but I would change it to "non-drinker". Another way, perhaps, to solidify a new "version" of yourself.
Either way, just see how it goes, have fun!
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Old 11-08-2013, 05:51 AM
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I think 360 is right-its just a date. Stop putting pressure on yourself. There are plenty of people out there that don't need to be in a state of drunkeness to enjoy simple things like the cinema, a meal out etc.

I was with a guy for years who I believe contributed to my drinking problem a lot. He had a problem and I kidded myself that for us to function in a relationship I needed to develop a relationship with alcohol much like his. This obviously is rubbish and not worth the hassle I've put myself through. He's happy with his drinking, I'm not happy with mine, but because we weren't too committed to each other, I decided to take myself away from this source of behaviour that is ultimately damaging to myself. I found it hard to change things once habits had been established.

My point is, there's no pressure, you see how it goes, don't give into the AV and see how you get on with him. This could also turn out to be empowering for you-to go on a date with a drinker and not give in! He's not gonna think anything about you not drinking. Plus it sets a precedent for future dates and puts in place some good healthy habits for you to move on together with.

Good luck
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Old 11-08-2013, 05:51 AM
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Good morning, Anyistoomuch!

First, congratulations for identifying the beast --

Originally Posted by anyistoomuch View Post
This is me this morning.

It is Friday 7:43am in Boston. I have already had three instances since I woke up an hour ago thinking about how I am going to handle this, and noting that voice that says "oh, just deal with stopping drinking later - this weekend you can have some drinks because - Look at you! You are 8 days with no wine. You can do this anytime!"

Ha ha ha! That voice is IRRITATING. @$%^$@%@ AV!
That is exactly what I have said to myself... Especially if I was able to scratch together a few consecutive days of sobriety. Though ALL bets were off once I had that first sip of wine...

Originally Posted by anyistoomuch View Post
I never had a problem drinking alone, and I enjoyed quality drinking time with my girlfriends, so I rarely dated, although I put up an online profile which I most often ignored because I was quite happy spending my fun time drinking on my own or with my buddies.
Me too! I would prefer to drink alone because I could not trust myself in public. Also, when I would go out with friends for dinner and drinks, I would usually end up staring at the clock and getting anxious that I would not be able to make it to the wine store before it closed. My friends would stay out and I would make an excuse to leave early... Why... so I could get a nice bottle of wine, drink it at home and all alone, to eventually pass out. HOW FUN IS THAT ??? !!!

Originally Posted by anyistoomuch View Post
In my profile - I put "drinks socially" which was a total lie because I actually was a-Daily-drinker-to-excess-abuser-of-alcohol-whether-I-can-call-myself-an-alcoholic-or-not. (funny, they don't have that option on these online sites when they ask about your drinking habits).
LOL! I can relate to that. Though would you want to date someone like that? I wouldn't. No way would I want to date someone who drank like me. We would be dead by the 10th date!!!

Regarding your date tonight... I say just go for it! You have nothing vested in this guy and nothing to lose. Meeting at a coffee shop is a great way to sum someone up. If you feel he is a partier then STAY AWAY!!! Just think of this date as a way to practice your sobriety. Just stay resolute in your decision not to have that one glass of wine. Nothing ever good comes from it!

I look forward to reading an update on how your evening went!

PS - Don't you agree that Boston is a WICKED AWESOME city!!! I love it!!
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Old 11-08-2013, 06:36 AM
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I'm going against everyone else 's responses here but tbh at 8 days sober the last thing on my mind would have been dating. The more sober time I get the more I realize I need to work on me and me only.

As you are asking for advice I do think a first date at 8 days sober isn't a great idea for many reasons. The stress and pressure before the date would most likely have made me drink. Being on the date itself would make me want to drink,particularly if my date was drinking. All the emotions/stresses in early dating are just too much-will he call won't he call,does he like m,does he not,what did I do/say etc. It went well,I'll drink.It went badly ,I 'll drink. If he doesn't call I'll probbaly drink as have no other coping skills yet.

I'm not saying put your life on hold forever but the more sober time I get the more I realize I need to build up life skills,coping skills to deal with issues that arise and situations I'm in instead of drinking. On day 8 maybe just concentrate on getting you better before you're ready to bring someone else into the mix.
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Old 11-08-2013, 06:37 AM
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I had to make that choice too, I made my online dating profile when I was drinking (I think most people do lol). I finally decided that if I'm going to be serious about sobriety that anyone I meet to potentially date needs to know I don't drink anymore, so I changed that part to: Drinks-never. I realize that may result in less women being interested in me because they say "uh oh, alcoholic, no thanks" or because alot of people don't feel comfortable drinking at all around sober people and alot of people need that booze crutch to get through a first date. But you're much better off cause people know what they're getting into when they go out with you. I had a date that started really awkwardly where she ordered a beer and I got a diet Coke, she kept poking around for why I don't drink and it was uncomfortable since I'd only know her for 5 minutes. Also, who knows maybe you'll meet someone else that's sober that you can relate to.
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Old 11-08-2013, 06:47 AM
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Originally Posted by anyistoomuch View Post
Eventually, if we hit it off, he will want to get a drink...
He will drink if you don't hit it off. He indicated he drinks. So he's not probably a drinker, he drinks. Frequently, by his own admission.

And what if he was under-exaggerating his drinking? I doubt there was a option for drinks to oblivion.

"...alcohol feels like it is STILL inserting itself."

No, you are inserting yourself into a situation where alcohol will be present. Frequently.
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Old 11-08-2013, 07:10 AM
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Originally Posted by anyistoomuch View Post
I have already had three instances since I woke up an hour ago thinking about how I am going to handle this
If it is really causing you this much worry and anxiety, you should just cancel. I know it is not ideal to change plans on people so suddenly, but it happens, and you don't owe this guy anything.

But you do owe yourself the very best chance at staying sober!
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Old 11-08-2013, 07:35 AM
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There is also another scenario that may arise-you really like the guy and get on amazingly well. he really likes you .He IS a drinker,as carl says - no probably about it. So what do you do? He suggests next date meeting for drinks,you really like him, you're tempted, maybe he's not keen to date a non drinker - see how this is going? At 8 days do you have the strength to not drink?
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Old 11-08-2013, 09:05 AM
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Originally Posted by anyistoomuch View Post
Either way - I want to meet this guy in person and see, because he does seem great so far, but his profile says he is a "frequent" drinker.
Everyone seems great before we meet them. That's the lure of online dating. Seen it dozens of times on SR alone.

I agree with 360shoes...Dating is a lost art. We sidestep a lot of the tension, excitement and work that goes into meeting someone and spending time with them in real life. Before we even meet, we've already made big decisions around who this new person is, usually framing them within the context of what it is we need or want from another person. By so doing, we sell ourselves short and settle for a fantasy rather than someone who is kind, caring and loving.

If online dating is the current standard, then the standard has been much lowered. We meet up with a stranger for a "hookup" or to "hang out," become attached, and only after all hell breaks loose do we see the problems for what they are, but we're in too deep to save ourselves, to do anything about it.

I'm sure that many people can chime in and write about how they found their "soul mates" via online dating, but just as the one or two people out of thousands who are able to moderate their drinking, we pay special attention to such cases because they are the rare exceptions.
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Old 11-08-2013, 09:17 AM
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Originally Posted by EndGameNYC View Post
If online dating is the current standard, then the standard has been much lowered. We meet up with a stranger for a "hookup" or to "hang out," become attached, and only after all hell breaks loose do we see the problems for what they are, but we're in too deep to save ourselves, to do anything about it.
In all due respect, EndGame - The same can be said about meeting someone at the library, the grocery store, a movie, train stop, the park, ... etc.
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Old 11-08-2013, 09:17 AM
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Been down this road and it didn't work in early sobriety for me. I found that almost everyone lies about their drinking one way or another because they want to attract the largest pool of candidates. I think you are setting yourself up. If you think you can just do the coffee date that's fine, but if it goes further in all likelihood there will be a point where you drink to handle the emotions.
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Old 11-08-2013, 09:30 AM
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Originally Posted by FourSeasons View Post
In all due respect, EndGame - The same can be said about meeting someone at the library, the grocery store, a movie, train stop, the park, ... etc.
I agree. There is no perfect way to meet someone...Until we actually meet them. If we meet the love of our lives online, then the way we meet them becomes insignificant except insofar as we wouldn't have met them otherwise.

The layers of fantasy that come with online dating provide another formidable obstacle to meeting someone as they truly are.
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Old 11-08-2013, 09:40 AM
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And if he drinks on the date and you don't... If you end up kissing him he will smell like you know what.

Hapenned to me on my last few months sober, the girl was drinking Rye, alot of it. When I kissed her it trigerred me big time. But daz just me ;-)
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Old 11-08-2013, 09:55 AM
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I needed to concentrate on my own sobriety. I have seen multiple instances of people crashing and burning by dating too soon. I have been told by people that have much more sobriety than I do that dating is a bad idea in the first year let alone the first week and especially with somebody that drinks.
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Old 11-08-2013, 10:01 AM
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I have a friend that used to say, "Have you ever met an alcoholic you didn't like?" Alcoholics are typically charming, engaging, fun people, until we're not! Be careful, this could bring on a whole new set of problems and triggers for you. Take Care.
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Old 11-08-2013, 10:01 AM
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I thought this is a coffee date. Very few Starbucks serve vodka :-)
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