honeypig

Whywhy, you may think your wife will be crushed when you tell her. You're right, she will be. But if you let her find out on her own, then lie about what is going on, claim to be getting sober, then go back to using, then get caught again, then lie again, then claim to be getting sober again....well, as the wife who went thru this, I can tell you, it is going to be MUCH MUCH worse the longer the lying keeps up.

She WILL find out at some point; even the most blindly trusting of us eventually get to the point we can't ignore what is in front of our faces. And honestly, if you've been doing this for years, I would bet she has some idea that SOMETHING is wrong; she just doesn't know what it is yet. Have enough respect and love for her to be honest with her.

As others have said, you need to come clean if you're going to get sober. I believe the phrase from the Big Book is "rigorous honesty." Right now, that's the only hope for me and my AH, and I'm pretty sure it's the same for you.

And whether your marriage survives or not, it's still the only chance for YOU to survive in the long run.

Wishing you clarity and strength.

whywhy2

Yeah. Maybe today should be day 1

ru12

I won't shlt you: the first few days after I stopped sucked rocks. Withdrawal isn't much fun. But after a week or so I began to sleep again, to feel good again, to lose the chronic shame and guilt that I felt. Life sober beats the hell out of being a drunk/addict. Believe me.


Use your judgement about who you tell your story to. If you stop using any get on with your life there really isn't much to say anyway.

Hevyn

Welcome whywhy. You found a great place, as you probably already realize.

It's hard and brave to face the truth about our drinking and using habits. It took me decades to finally admit I couldn't touch any of it. I almost lost everything trying to control the amounts I drank - and in the end I was completely dependent on it. All the things I swore I'd never do - I did. It was hell to get untangled from the web. Thankfully, you never have to become completely ensnared. You can see this coming like a freight train.

Glad you are with us and taking a look at what the alcohol, drugs, and deception are doing to your life. Please keep reading and posting. We care.

wpainterw

whywhy: You've been receiving a lot of wonderful comment on this SR website from folks who know what they're talking about. Has it ever occurred to you that there may be really two "you's" doing the posting here? One "you" sounds like a scared kid, "I can't tell my wife. I just can't. But I'm so afraid of what might happen! So very afraid! I could lose everything." This kid is scared and rightly so. He could lose everything. He sees the train approaching and desperately wants to get off the track.
What is the other "you" doing all this time? Can you hear it saying, "I've got to have this stuff! Got to have it! It helps me doing what I have to do! I can't imagine not having it! Life without it would be too boring, too "flat". I can control it. Just one drink, one pill. One pill at a time! I'll be ever so careful! I can hide it!"
You're listening to the addictive voice. It's very strong, very loud at the moment. That's because what's happened to your body from all the stuff you've been putting into it. There are ways to soften it, reduce its effect, push it into the background until it becomes only a whisper, build up your true self, stop the lying, save your life. Do you want this? Really want it? Listen to these folks. They are here and ready to help you out. Help the scared kid get off the track because, if you don't.....

W.

Wilde8673

Hey, I applaud your honesty here on the forum.... My 2 cents is that it seems life is boring because we have invested so much in the drinking life as our hobby/ entertainment....where non addicts have hobbies and interests, ours are substances...we don't know what else to do with our time. Think of other things you have interest in, maybe haven't pursued in awhile? I used to play tennis, garden, etc....just a thought

DoubleBarrel

So, you are committing a felony on a regular basis so that you have the energy to hang out with your daughter, and you have progressed from weed to up to ten pills in a day.

Does that sound like something that you can maintain long term?

I think that most of us could tell you stories about being able to control things, juggling our addiction, with a job, and finances, and family.

And also, many of us could show you what ultimately happens, is you are standing there, maybe 15 years later, and all thats left is the addiction, financial ruin, dead relationships, and perhaps legal trouble or medical emergencies. All that is waiting at the end of the road you are on.

You sound just like I was, and I would give anything to have those years back with my kids, sober.

Being sober isn't boring, its awesome.

And opiates kill your memory. You might look back, and hardly remember any of the time that you ARE spending with your child.

whywhy2

Thanks everyone. Day 1 no substances going well so far. Had no idea I was gonna do this and couldn't have made it even this far with out your help. Wish I could just go to bed now though even though its only 850.

wpainterw

Whywhy: Look at TV. Then go to bed. You have only one thing to do tomorrow. Don't use and don't pick up. You can do this even if you have to do it an hour at a time. At the end of the day the addictive voice inside your brain will be a little weaker. Then go find a meeting. Get the help of others in recovery.You don't need to tell your wife everything all at once. You can start by saying that you're going to a meeting because you've been thinking that you may be developing a dependency on alcohol, that you think it will be bad for you in the long run and that you want to do something about that. Be completely honest and don't lie but don't volunteer more reality than is necessary . If you overcome your addiction and show others, including your wife, that you have a good chunk of sobriety under your belt, you can be more open. They will respect you and, more importantly, you will respect yourself. Good luck on your journey. It won't be easy. No one is saying that it will be easy. But it can be done, one day at a time. If you're feeling bad physically see a doctor but make sure that any prescriptions are under his or her strict control. And plan to be completely free of medication as soon as possible.

W.

nuncamas

if you're not facing a major withdrawal, my advice is to just try being 100% sober for just a week and see what it's like -- take it as a challenge to yourself! it's not as horrible as you think.

joygirl

" I have always been able to quit anything (weed or alcohol for months at a time) until I met the opiates. Wow these things will get you. "

Yes, they will. They are a possessive, jealous lover who will demand all of your time, money, love and attention. Then, they will take your soul. They never give you up, ever. Now that you have met, you will have to end it yourself. The sooner the better. I know, I've had an affair with them, too. It's over. I have my soul back.

dwtbd

having been reading and posting here for a few days I ran across and then googled avrt and a lot of what is said on just the homepage has definitely helped me, kill the beast, been doing lots of introspection and can see how strong that av has been, coupled with the physical and emotional effects of detox (even mild) can make the choice to start again so hard to combat. But so far so good, just thinking about the craving as separate from oneself makes it at the very least some'thing' , identifying an addictive voice gives you an entity to do something about.

wpainterw

This corresponds with my own impressions that the addictive voice concept has proved helpful, particularly since it seems to be backed up by empirical study of the midbrain as it responds to the need for alcohol to maintain the body's chemistry and physiology, which have been altered to adapt to large amounts of alcohol and other substances. I do not think that Rational Recovery or AVRT is necessarily inconsistent with some aspects of AA, although its approach may differ from many of the traditional AA beliefs. Both have something to offer. It's a complex illness, ill suited to reductionist "either/or" analysis, and the best approach may be for each person to seek the elements of each program which seem most beneficial.

W.

dwtbd

wpw
I agree, thhis is my first time trying to stay quit and admitting it to others. I am not well versed in the aspects of the Rational Recovery, but what little I have gleaned so far has been helpful, if for nothing else at this stage than a technique to quell the urges and cravings at the beginning.
I tend to think people with a strong 'av' myself included have mental health issues that need to be addressed in order to be able to be 'ok in one's own skin', though I see stopping drinking right now extremely important to the process.

Talana

I always thought I was invincible and I always thought that my husband didn't know how much I drank..... I thought I was fooling him ( in terms of how much i drank), the sad part is the only person I was fooling was myself.

nomis

This is 100% you're addiction talking. I felt exactly the same way as you did when I was drinking. Sobriety was terrifying, a life full of monotony, drudgery and greyness. A lifetime of without drinking, not even one or two here and there seemed like a life not worth living at all. What's that line from Joe Walsh "The doctor told me I couldn't do my absolute favorite thing in the world anymore, drink."

Brother, I can tell you that that thinking is complete BS. Being sober, once you're free from the claws of addiction is..... I don't want to say wonderful, but normal. It's not grey, or mundane, or full drudgery. It has ups and downs, laughs and tears and good times and bad. It feels, more than anything else, real. A wise poster here once said, think about life before you used. It wasn't awful, monotonous or boring then, why should it be once you get sober.

I would guess that some of this doesn't resonate. So just let me say this: all of us understand the feeling of sobriety being a horrible unexciting life. But we can also tell you that this is just your addiction desperately trying to convince you not to leave it, much like a jilted lover.

Thanks for coming here, try to stick around and you'll find heaps and heaps of good advice.

whywhy2

Awesome, thank you all.

FeenixxRising

I believe you know that you do want to be sober. However, you're not sure you will be happy and content with complete sobriety. That's an issue many of us face as we attempt sobriety.

IMO, you need some sober time to sort this all out. You have a lot to lose, and most of us will tell you that you will not be able to moderate. You want the best of both worlds but I don't believe that is possible. Sure you may manage it for awhile, but eventually, the addiction will take over, control you completely and you will lose much of what you hold dear.

I suggest you give sobriety a very serious attempt; you really have nothing to lose.

Shakota

Why,

You said nothing bad has happened because of your use. Well, I am on pain mgmt and I am addicted to my pain medication, and over the last year I have gradually used more and more of my pain meds. Nothing bad has happened to me, other than the fact that each month I ran out of my monthly supply sooner than what I am supposed to and the rest of the month I am left in horrible pain. Also, I was consumed with guilt and shame because of my over usage and I was lying to my husband every month. But I kept telling myself nothing bad was going to happen. I wasn't worried my husband was going to leave me, and when I told him of my over usage he immediately tried to help me by locking up my meds and controlling them for me and I am now happy to say that I have it under control again, thanks to him, the support I have found on here from everyone, the friends I have made on here, and also a lot of hard work and determination on my part...but here is my point:

You say nothing bad could happen, I said nothing bad could happen...here is one bad thing that can happen that we always push out of our minds, that we never want to think about...WE COULD DIE! What if one day/night, (in your case you drink and use opiates) you mix too much together and you just stop breathing, or what if I had taken too many pills one day (on some days I took 10-15 pills in one day) and I just stopped breathing. What if my husband had come home from work or my son came home from school and found me dead on the floor, or my husband woke up one morning and his wife was dead beside him in our bed? Imagine how that would shatter their lives, not to mention how they would have to live with that image in their heads for the rest of their lives...especially our children. So, you see, there is something bad that could happen. Or, what if you are driving like that, and you kill an innocent family? Could you live with that guilt? Or would you drown yourself in even more pills, drugs, and drink? Just creating a more viscous cycle that will eventually kill you, your marriage, your life?

You have a lot to lose, and in my experience, people who abuse alcohol and drugs are usually trying to hide from something, trying to forget something...so maybe you need to figure out what that something is, fix it, and throw everything else away and start your life over again so you can enjoy your baby and your wife.

I really wish you the best of luck, and I hope you keep coming back, you couldn't have found a better group of people to help you through.

FatallyUncool

Keep going whywhy, it's not easy but you can do this.