whywhy2

So...a little about me and my problems/life:
1. I have a wife who I love and want to be with for the rest of my life as well as a child <1 year old.
2. I currently have a great job, graduated college in 2006 and am by these standards successful
3. I am an addict and a fake: I have been smoking pot everyday since I was 17 years old (im 30) - Drinking daily (although after work and on the weekends never at or before work) - and recently (since December) I have been on and off on opiates (mostly on)
4. My wife knows none of this (except the daily drinking but I hide the amount I drink) and she would most certainly leave me if she found out

I could probably quit the weed although I do enjoy it and really dont see it as a problem other than having to lie to my wife about it. The alcohol is slowly becoming a problem but I do think I have it under control. The main thing that scares me is having to be sober one day. I haven't been sober in many years and not sure i want to be. But if I lost my wife I would be crushed. She is my High School sweetheart and I have lied to her for 10+ years.

Now on to the opiates - started with tabs, lately i have been dabbling with roxies/percs - the thing is i am able to deal with the withdrawals and come off of it but i always go back...I go back for the energy - I feel like I actually want to spend time with my daughter after work and when i am sober I just am exhausted and want to sleep...then again I havent been sober in so long I dont know what it is like. I dont even know what I want out of this forum just at a low point and wanted to vent. I have always been able to quit anything (weed or alcohol for months at a time) until I met the opiates. Wow these things will get you. The worst part of it is that i can get clean, understand the dangers, but as soon as someone says hey man i can get these or I get too exhausted I always go back. Sometimes it is as little as 2-4 perc or tab 10s per day (even sometimes just in the evenings) other times I have done 3 roxies in a night or up to 10 percs/tabs per day. They make me feel great and i always go back to them.

My problem is I dont know if I want to be sober but i dont want to be a slave to drugs...the opiates have progressed to me using more and more of my family money and i know it is going to catch up to me soon, that being said I am buying a handful of percs tonight...why? i dont know bc I like to get high.

I do not want to lose my wife - i would be crushed. What do you guys think?

doggonecarl

Welcome to SR.

Like the old proverb, you wish to possess your cake and eat it too. Ain't going to happen. That's addict thinking.

You have come to the right place if you are interested in quitting. But not if you wish to maintain the facade that it's okay to keep using drugs. You make it sound like your drug use is a choice, one you can chose to drop. Brother, maybe that is so. But quick as a blink, that could change and you won't be able to quit.

If you want to see the devastation that this causes a family, pop over to the Friend and Family of Substance Abusers forum. If that can't convince you, nothing we say will.

Good luck.

FatallyUncool

A fake and a liar? Welcome to SR. You are in good company. We have all been there in some way or another.

It sounds like you understand the options pretty clearly: get clean or continue to be a slave to drugs. It sounds like you are risking losing your wife and blowing a lot of money on this. And if you keep using, things will get worse.

There is a lot of experience, wisdom, hope and support on this site. Keep posting, you are in the right place.

whywhy2

Thanks for the responses. I do not know what i want. I mean I do but I don't..I want to have my cake and eat it too as doggonecarl says.

I am just scared that sober life sucks...nothing bad has come of my addiction yet...I have always been able to maintain a normal life on the outside but I know that can't last forever. I guess I'm afraid that losing my family will be the only thing that gets to me...then again I'm bored as hell sober...I dont know...

DrunkenBob

The fact that you are exploring your thoughts here tells me you know what you need to do.

You just might not be ready to make the commitment yet. One thing is for sure - if you don't address the issue it will get worse. The longer you wait - the harder it will be.

I am kind of like you in that I have managed to maintain the "look and feel" of success and never had any kind of real rock bottom to motivate me to sobriety.

Fortunately I can see far enough down the road to know that I MUST stop now. No matter how many times I blow it - I will never try to convince myself I can moderate. If I blow it I'll get right back on the wagon and try to find additional avenues of support.

I hope you try to fix things now before they get worse. There really is no point in waiting.

Good luck!!!

doggonecarl

One thing I observed in my own addiction...you tend to keep pushing the definition of "bad" lower and lower so that you can stay in denial.

I'd be willing to bet an outside observer would see a lot of "bad" your addiction is causing. But it's you who has to see it and believe it in order to recovery.

Cormat

I have a lot of sympathy. You strike me as a man who see's himself at the wheel of a car which is going the wrong way down a road and is managing to swerve a collision from the on coming traffic at the moment but you know its going to happen.

The trick is to work out why you got to be driving in the wrong direction in the first place.

But realise this. You only need to be sober for a single day. Its not for ever. Thats impossible. Utterly beyond all of us. But surely you can be sober just for one day ? I bet you have managed at least a 24 hour period sober.

Thats all you need. One single day.

MsJax

Why,

You say you can quit all this stuff, but then someone offers..& you're right back at it. You say you're lying to your wife. All this is just classic alcoholic-addict behavior. It's not living an authentic life, all of this. You may have your cake and eat it too, but you're obsessing & it doesn't sound like you're truly happy

You are so young, think of all your life can bring you sober & not wasting time and money and obsessive thoughts on substances. It really can't go on like this forever for you, for me it ticked away for so many years on the verge of control until I just about lost it all when I was 43. I hope you choose sobriety. It sounds like you know what you need to do. Sober life does not suck! Best wishes!

neferkamichael

Whywhy, your "problem" is, it could blowup in your face any minute. I was a slave to alcohol and drugs for 42 years. I can accurately say my life is better without the chemicals. Rootin for ya.

FatallyUncool

I worried about this, too. What I didn't realize was that, being stoned all the time, I was extremely boring, and my life was boring AND miserable. And passing me by. I was just too numb to notice or deal with it.


I can give my opinion, but only you can determine if this is a problem for you. I believe it's natural and healthy to struggle through these things. It's not easy. If you want some perspective and support from people who have been there, you will find it here.

whywhy2

"Whywhy, your "problem" is, it could blowup in your face any minute."

You know, I never thought of it that way...

Nuudawn

You cannot live your life hiding in the dark of shame (even if you are high) and expect to keep it together. You cannot continue behaviour that you feel you need to hide ...you are "ashamed" of it and you cannot be ashamed of yourself and make any strides into peace. Only you can decide whether you want to sober long enough to see if you like it. You cannot see the other side from your backyard. You just can't.

bigsombrero

Great intro, welcome. You made it pretty clear what you're up against, without denial, and now you are reaching out for change - that is a pretty good start.

Like others here, I was also damaged by alcohol and drugs. I ended up having to go to treatment last year at age 37. That's how it ends, if you're lucky. There is no future in this lifestyle. Think about it, do you know any happy 65 year-old drug addicts/heavy drinkers? At some point, you have to take that step. And it's going to be relatively hard if you have to hide this from your wife. Coming clean, opening your eyes to support, etc, is helpful in my opinion.

How can you make quitting a reality? Facing that question is a good place to start. Then you'll need a plan. Got any ideas?

Eleni58

I think the first step is to come clean with your wife. You can't continue to live a lie. It will destroy you! And it's not fair to her or you to continue the lies. Don't worry about the consequences. If she really loves you, she will stick by you on your road to recovery. But you have to WANT sobriety more than the high. That is the key. And hey, I used to think that I would be bored out of my mind if I quit, but that simply is not true.

Dee74

There's some great advice here whywhy

I wanted my cake too.
I ended up losing everything.

In the end, for me, I accepted I could be the man I wanted to be, or I could drink and drug ...but I couldn't do both.

I took a leap of faith and tried the other road I hadn't tried yet - I'm glad I did - I found a real life and real me I can be proud of, not one I have to hide from those I love.

welcome to SR

D

whywhy2

I can't tell my wife, I just can't. It is up to me - she would be crushed if she knew all I have done.

You guys are really starting to get my brain turning here. I think I want sobriety just not sure if I am willing to go get it yet. As of right now I have no weed, no beer and no pills...I could just not stop by to get beer after work and inside somewhere I want too but then I think "well i'm grilling tonight and I always drink beer and grill" and "well my guy is already getting me some pills and it is just a few, I can quit after that" etc

This is hard but for the first time in my life I think things are starting to clear up and it was the opiates that did it...they have scared the sh*t out of me because i always thought I was invincible.

sandgirl

Ok so you're on a website for addicts saying you drink everyday, use opiates and you don't know if you want to give up?!? A few indicators are there that you do have a problem and you need to give up. Denial is the biggest hurdle you face (I was great at denial). But in the end I realise I was being selfish and needed to grow up!!!....you?...

Dee74

I bet everyone here can identify with that.

There are those who realise their best interests are served by quitting, and they do it, even tho they're not really sure...

Then there are those who think they can probably fool around a bit lomnger, maybe things will straighten out...and the longer they leave it, the greater the chance of a catastrophic crash and burn.

I was one of the latter. Be smarter than me.

All those things in your life you love and hold dear - every single one of them - is at risk the longer you dabble with all the stuff.

You're not sure - I get that - but you know what the right thing to do is.
Everyone does, deep down.

I really recommend you follow that idea.

D

wakko

Welcome to the pathological liers club. If it was about my addiction I was lying. The guilt and shame were eating me alive. Finally I got honest with. my loved ones, sought professional help and on going support through. AA. It worked and continues to work

Cormat

This.

A life times sobriety is a terrible thing to try and comprehend. Awful beyond words. I could not face it. But when I went into an AA meeting and heard that I only had to try and face up to a single days sobriety, that changed. A day I could do. 24 hours without a drink, that I could comprehend.

And some days I cannot comprehend that. So I turned it into hours. Even 5 minute segments. There is no 24/7/365 day a year alcoholic in the world. Even the most chronic of us can manage 5 minutes.

I am off to bed in a minute. I will say thank you to my higher power for the last 24 hours sober. In the morning I will ask him to grant me another 24 hours. And thats it really. Nothing more complicated than that. Dont pick up the first drink for 24 hours and just get on with life.

Of course you need to deal with the ism bit but in terms of the alcohol, well if an idiot like me can comprehend the whole 24 hour thing then I am sure you can. Keep it simple stupid ! Works for me and I am as dumb as a very dumb thing