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Rest In Peace
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Southern Cal
Posts: 408
Thanks Talia,
Oh yeh, thats Neil. So was my last one. It's all Neil,all the time.
You either love him or you hate em. I happen to love him.
Cant listen or play too many of his songs right now though. They
really make want to drink. Even though many of them are about
abusing and the effects. Go figure.
CRS
Oh yeh, thats Neil. So was my last one. It's all Neil,all the time.
You either love him or you hate em. I happen to love him.
Cant listen or play too many of his songs right now though. They
really make want to drink. Even though many of them are about
abusing and the effects. Go figure.
CRS
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: So Cal
Posts: 83
hey folks,
salt here, been on a this and that stint for a bit. sent a few pm's and the such to certain one's. just plain struggling. fell off and have not put down the drink, but not drinking like i want to or used to. just tired. confuzeld
bob, crs, we were about the same as far as days w/ no drink. i think we started pretty close to same time. it's touph man. i'm really struggling. but i have to quit again. i'm only glad that i'm not to the point of where i've been. but menatlly i've never thought i'd be bummed about drinking. i'm actually bummed that i'm still got beer in the fridge. i know that after work tomarrow i'm going to drink a couple. is that wrong? i just can't say no. i rationalize every sip.
well i'm back again, and probably making some of you lol. i'm posting here cuz i want to. i'm feeling the pain.
salt here, been on a this and that stint for a bit. sent a few pm's and the such to certain one's. just plain struggling. fell off and have not put down the drink, but not drinking like i want to or used to. just tired. confuzeld
bob, crs, we were about the same as far as days w/ no drink. i think we started pretty close to same time. it's touph man. i'm really struggling. but i have to quit again. i'm only glad that i'm not to the point of where i've been. but menatlly i've never thought i'd be bummed about drinking. i'm actually bummed that i'm still got beer in the fridge. i know that after work tomarrow i'm going to drink a couple. is that wrong? i just can't say no. i rationalize every sip.
well i'm back again, and probably making some of you lol. i'm posting here cuz i want to. i'm feeling the pain.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,527
Hi Salt,
It's great to see you again! I'm glad you're back. It's good that you're mentally bummed about drinking, that could be a great motivator for you. I'm sorry you're feeling the pain but you can say 'no'. It's hard though and you have to really want to stop.
Love, Anna
It's great to see you again! I'm glad you're back. It's good that you're mentally bummed about drinking, that could be a great motivator for you. I'm sorry you're feeling the pain but you can say 'no'. It's hard though and you have to really want to stop.
Love, Anna
Paused
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Washington
Posts: 5,093
Welcome back, it's good to hear from you. It's funny, I was just wondering about you today. Haven't seen you around the boards for awhile. Then here you are. Life is funny that way sometimes. Sorry to hear you've been having a tough time. No one's laughing at you. We all understand your pain. Your hurting and that's no laughing matter. You post whenever you like and get your feelings out. You'll feel alot better. About the drinking part, I can't tell you what to do. I know for me, drinking isn't an option. If I had beer in my fridge, well......it would be a disaster in the making. May I suggest, get rid of the beer :Flush: and start a fresh day in the morning. A new 24. It's your call. Good luck and I hope you hang around a while.
Take Care,
Talia
Take Care,
Talia
Rest In Peace
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Southern Cal
Posts: 408
Ah crap,
Had a large note type and did one of those oops,deleted(s$it) moments.
Anyway,
Salt,
Its good to hear from you. Im sorry you are having a hard time. We are pretty much on the same page and I know what you are going through.(although everyone is unique in many ways,the alcohol craving and it's
progressive destruction is always the same).
We quit for a good month,relapsed, and had to start over. Well,
Get with it man. It's time to start over! I remember telling you in a Pm
that you dont have to get to the point physically that I was at but eventually you would get there if you didnt quit. Just reminding you.
To continue drinking will only make life worse in the long haul(and short one for me,and most)
No matter what, keep coming back here and keep posting,anywhere!!!
It really is a matter of mental survival. To keep all these wonderful peoples love and advice fresh in your mind is some of the best therapy Ive ever
experienced.
Hang tight,Stay here,Dont Fall!
CRS
Had a large note type and did one of those oops,deleted(s$it) moments.
Anyway,
Salt,
Its good to hear from you. Im sorry you are having a hard time. We are pretty much on the same page and I know what you are going through.(although everyone is unique in many ways,the alcohol craving and it's
progressive destruction is always the same).
We quit for a good month,relapsed, and had to start over. Well,
Get with it man. It's time to start over! I remember telling you in a Pm
that you dont have to get to the point physically that I was at but eventually you would get there if you didnt quit. Just reminding you.
To continue drinking will only make life worse in the long haul(and short one for me,and most)
No matter what, keep coming back here and keep posting,anywhere!!!
It really is a matter of mental survival. To keep all these wonderful peoples love and advice fresh in your mind is some of the best therapy Ive ever
experienced.
Hang tight,Stay here,Dont Fall!
CRS
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: So Cal
Posts: 83
you all are right. i really appreiciate the responces. i wrote so late and on bobs thread so i didn't know if i'd get any.
i'll be around. it's rainin and depressing around here and i still don't have my fam back. this sucks. my brothers here, but he's only 22, and doesn't have much to say, but is a good listener. so that helps.
i'll be back later on.
aloha
i'll be around. it's rainin and depressing around here and i still don't have my fam back. this sucks. my brothers here, but he's only 22, and doesn't have much to say, but is a good listener. so that helps.
i'll be back later on.
aloha
Rest In Peace
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Southern Cal
Posts: 408
Hey out there
You know,Ive pretty much been on since 5:30am(at work) and Ive been
posting on as many (not to deep for me) threads as I possibly can. And I found myself sitting here feeling very alone and afraid.
It dawned on me that it was a week ago today that I wrote my remembrence
for my aunt,and the day I started a three day binge.
My wife is still extremely cold to me,(not that I blame her)home does not feel safe,nowhere feels safe right now. And I can just feel myself trying to set myself up to fail. So Im typing,and typing,and typing.
I think back on the last two years struggling through every day with the shakes,the crawling out of my skin feeling,just to make it to the evening when
I could wash down a couple of Vicodin,a Xanaax with six or seven Gin and tonics just to feel good for 15min before I'd start feeling like crap from all the
substances. Then, pass out and do it all again for just those 15min of relief.
Thats no way to live. Now,I'd give almost anything to just feel at peace for 15 minunte,half an hour.I said almost.
I hope someday I can lighten up and be the funny witty person I remember I once was. Oops,That was probably under the influence. It's gotta be there
in me sober somewhere. I just have to find that person again.
Thanks SR for a place to vent.
Just to spite the disease!
posting on as many (not to deep for me) threads as I possibly can. And I found myself sitting here feeling very alone and afraid.
It dawned on me that it was a week ago today that I wrote my remembrence
for my aunt,and the day I started a three day binge.
My wife is still extremely cold to me,(not that I blame her)home does not feel safe,nowhere feels safe right now. And I can just feel myself trying to set myself up to fail. So Im typing,and typing,and typing.
I think back on the last two years struggling through every day with the shakes,the crawling out of my skin feeling,just to make it to the evening when
I could wash down a couple of Vicodin,a Xanaax with six or seven Gin and tonics just to feel good for 15min before I'd start feeling like crap from all the
substances. Then, pass out and do it all again for just those 15min of relief.
Thats no way to live. Now,I'd give almost anything to just feel at peace for 15 minunte,half an hour.I said almost.
I hope someday I can lighten up and be the funny witty person I remember I once was. Oops,That was probably under the influence. It's gotta be there
in me sober somewhere. I just have to find that person again.
Thanks SR for a place to vent.
Just to spite the disease!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,709
Originally Posted by CRS3
Just to spite the disease!Right there, in three or four sentences, you explained to yourself the futility of using and drinking. Doesn't make the world any better. Doesn't make your home any safer at the moment. But it does make you sober, in the moment.
Wow.
NOT EVEN 1 CLUB!!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: When I find myself, I'll let you know!
Posts: 1,835
(((Bob))) When I first got sober, I had that same feeling of not feeling safe. But I found that I did feel safe when on SR and in the rooms of AA. Just to see the support and understanding really helped me a lot. We're all hear for you and posting like you did, helps us to think things through!! Your good great! Hang in there, the miracle is happening right now!!
Hugs,
Missy
Hugs,
Missy
Rest In Peace
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Southern Cal
Posts: 408
Thanks,
Geeez, Im getting really sick of wiping tears of my face at this stupid computer.
Im suprised my keyboard has not shorted out.
Ah,what the hell. In 100 years I'll look back on this and laugh.
In 100 years,who the hell will care. God,thats all
Im chillin
Geeez, Im getting really sick of wiping tears of my face at this stupid computer.
Im suprised my keyboard has not shorted out.
Ah,what the hell. In 100 years I'll look back on this and laugh.
In 100 years,who the hell will care. God,thats all
Im chillin
Paused
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Washington
Posts: 5,093
Bob....you make me laugh. The sober you. Sober laughter is the best laughter. Anything can be funny when your drunk. That's easy to accomplish. When you make someone laugh, even though there having a really bad day, you know you've one the crowd over. Keep on laughing.....It's good for what ails you. 
Take Care,
Talia
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: So Cal
Posts: 83
you betcha!
(((a-z))) the list?
bob, if you got you fam at least at home, feel good about it. try an use your family for support. i wish i could. there not here and she does NOT understand why i need my fam to be here. oh well, let's hope i make it.
i feel ya on the no way to live. it's just not. downward spiral to death. i'm stoked that we've both seen thru it to TRY to get the help best we can.
SR rocks, yeah?
we are all different, we are all imperfect humans just trying to get that.....feeling. that high of sorts.
is it possible to find that w/o the DOC?
as a father, surfer, i've experieced, in my opinion, that high w/o. why did i leave it? why did drinking get control of suppressing that voided feeling? what do i have to complain about?
questions i ask on my lonely journey to figureing it out.
i've said it b-4, i'll say it again, thanks to all for spending time on us!
aloha
and buenos noches.
bob, if you got you fam at least at home, feel good about it. try an use your family for support. i wish i could. there not here and she does NOT understand why i need my fam to be here. oh well, let's hope i make it.
i feel ya on the no way to live. it's just not. downward spiral to death. i'm stoked that we've both seen thru it to TRY to get the help best we can.
SR rocks, yeah?
we are all different, we are all imperfect humans just trying to get that.....feeling. that high of sorts.
is it possible to find that w/o the DOC?
as a father, surfer, i've experieced, in my opinion, that high w/o. why did i leave it? why did drinking get control of suppressing that voided feeling? what do i have to complain about?
questions i ask on my lonely journey to figureing it out.
i've said it b-4, i'll say it again, thanks to all for spending time on us!
aloha
and buenos noches.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Originally Posted by CRS3
I hope someday I can lighten up and be the funny witty person I remember I once was. Oops,That was probably under the influence. It's gotta be there
in me sober somewhere.
in me sober somewhere.
Hugs,
Gabe
Rest In Peace
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Southern Cal
Posts: 408
Thanks Gabe,
I hope you are right. I'll keep sending up the flare. I made it
another seven days but Im not really counting now except by ones.
Part of my problem is the support I get at home is to use and drink.
Not directly mind you but all the triggers are in full fource now at home.
It's something I have to try and figure out how to deal with and is a major cause of my depression. I dont see a way out yet. No, not a way out, a way to turn it around for the positive.
Im off till tomorrow,jus wanted to bop in and say hi
Thaks all.
Salt, Hang tough
CRS
I hope you are right. I'll keep sending up the flare. I made it
another seven days but Im not really counting now except by ones.
Part of my problem is the support I get at home is to use and drink.
Not directly mind you but all the triggers are in full fource now at home.
It's something I have to try and figure out how to deal with and is a major cause of my depression. I dont see a way out yet. No, not a way out, a way to turn it around for the positive.
Im off till tomorrow,jus wanted to bop in and say hi
Thaks all.
Salt, Hang tough
CRS
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
CRS
with a few years behind me and I am sure others will say the same... One moment at a time (day at a time) is how we do it still. It is easier but still is a daily choice.
As far as telling others no thank you... I learned early on... Their guilt helped them accept my choice. I would hear things like.... "well I am trying to drink less myself' or " I don't drink that much any more myself, well not like I did in my past" They would reply with quack quack quack. I would smile inside as I think that I may be helping them see a potential problem in their future.
My saying no just may help another say no on another day.
with a few years behind me and I am sure others will say the same... One moment at a time (day at a time) is how we do it still. It is easier but still is a daily choice.
As far as telling others no thank you... I learned early on... Their guilt helped them accept my choice. I would hear things like.... "well I am trying to drink less myself' or " I don't drink that much any more myself, well not like I did in my past" They would reply with quack quack quack. I would smile inside as I think that I may be helping them see a potential problem in their future.
My saying no just may help another say no on another day.
I've been thinking about you. Hope all is well.
Rest In Peace
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Southern Cal
Posts: 408
Just for my own jounal purposes
Thanks Best- Good info
Salt- Hope you are doing well. How are you doing?
Talia- Thanks for popping in on me. It's nice!
Im just writing this for my own benefit to write down whats been going on upstairs seems to be therapeutic for me.
I realize for me to succeed in my recovery I need others. SR has been a tremedous outlet for me and given me strength I never thought possible.
I now realize I need more. I need f2f contact with people. Following this train of thought I realized I have no friends. And the one or two people I thought were my friends all but dissapeared once I started the sobriety thing.
I had a conversation with my son a couple of days ago and he was remarking how proud he was that I was working out,losing weight,quit smoking ect..
I mentioned to him that I quit drinking as well. He said,"oh really,I hadnt noticed that." That reminded me on how good I have gotten at hiding the real issues in my life. To this day my wife still does not quite comprehend the what I went through the first horrid 5 days of withdrawal. So to my family all they are seeing now is this differnet personality coming out. Sometimes good, somtimes not so good.(pretty childish actually)
I realized if I hid this so well from my immediete family,how well did I hide it from everyone else. Well, pretty damn good. At the same time though I managed to isolate myself with layers of brick walls all around to protect my drinking lifestyle. Could never get togehter with anyone at night cause it interfered with my drinking. Could never do anything during the day with anyone cuase it was too hard to maintain as it was. And now,after all these years of pushing everyone away I find myself alone. And Im not real sure how to get out of this. How do I make friends? Am I honest with the people I do know and try and re-establish contact. Im sure they all think I was just a snob and didnt want to participate in anything with them. My wife does not really want me to tell anyone I had a drinking problem. Way too embarrassing. But I find myself in need of interacting again(been a long time) with the human race. I just dont know how to do it. It's easy here,It's online.You dont really know me,Im somewhat protected and can come and go as I please. It's safe. And I need that. But I also need real f2f relationships with people. How do I break down the layers of walls that took 20 years to build. I want to, but it's as though Im afraid to let anyone in even though I realize It's what I so desperately want and need to survive.
Does this make sens to anyone. If anyone takes the time to read this novel,
any critisism or advice is very welcome. If not. I needed to type it out
anyway. I have let so many passions die over the years. Singing,songwriting,guitar,piano,an uncanny sense of intuition that I used to be able to read people before they even started talking. My ability to relate to others and their pain. It's all buried behind these layers of brick walls built by years of abuse. How do I tear these down? Im at a loss mentally.
Ok, thats enough(too much) for now.
CRS
Salt- Hope you are doing well. How are you doing?
Talia- Thanks for popping in on me. It's nice!
Im just writing this for my own benefit to write down whats been going on upstairs seems to be therapeutic for me.
I realize for me to succeed in my recovery I need others. SR has been a tremedous outlet for me and given me strength I never thought possible.
I now realize I need more. I need f2f contact with people. Following this train of thought I realized I have no friends. And the one or two people I thought were my friends all but dissapeared once I started the sobriety thing.
I had a conversation with my son a couple of days ago and he was remarking how proud he was that I was working out,losing weight,quit smoking ect..
I mentioned to him that I quit drinking as well. He said,"oh really,I hadnt noticed that." That reminded me on how good I have gotten at hiding the real issues in my life. To this day my wife still does not quite comprehend the what I went through the first horrid 5 days of withdrawal. So to my family all they are seeing now is this differnet personality coming out. Sometimes good, somtimes not so good.(pretty childish actually)
I realized if I hid this so well from my immediete family,how well did I hide it from everyone else. Well, pretty damn good. At the same time though I managed to isolate myself with layers of brick walls all around to protect my drinking lifestyle. Could never get togehter with anyone at night cause it interfered with my drinking. Could never do anything during the day with anyone cuase it was too hard to maintain as it was. And now,after all these years of pushing everyone away I find myself alone. And Im not real sure how to get out of this. How do I make friends? Am I honest with the people I do know and try and re-establish contact. Im sure they all think I was just a snob and didnt want to participate in anything with them. My wife does not really want me to tell anyone I had a drinking problem. Way too embarrassing. But I find myself in need of interacting again(been a long time) with the human race. I just dont know how to do it. It's easy here,It's online.You dont really know me,Im somewhat protected and can come and go as I please. It's safe. And I need that. But I also need real f2f relationships with people. How do I break down the layers of walls that took 20 years to build. I want to, but it's as though Im afraid to let anyone in even though I realize It's what I so desperately want and need to survive.
Does this make sens to anyone. If anyone takes the time to read this novel,
any critisism or advice is very welcome. If not. I needed to type it out
anyway. I have let so many passions die over the years. Singing,songwriting,guitar,piano,an uncanny sense of intuition that I used to be able to read people before they even started talking. My ability to relate to others and their pain. It's all buried behind these layers of brick walls built by years of abuse. How do I tear these down? Im at a loss mentally.
Ok, thats enough(too much) for now.
CRS
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