Sobreia

Two friends came over for dinner yesterday and I had a bottle and a half of red wine, and a very strong Gin and Tonic. Have some memory loss but not a total blackout. (am a binge drinker, didn't use to drink every day, but it was becoming more frequent, and I would black out almost every time).

Am so disappointed in myself. I was doing so well, feeling so much better after I decided to quit drinking. I think part of the reason I drank yesterday is because I haven't admitted the extent of my problem to family and friends - probably because I still haven't fully admitted it to myself... I feel like such a failure. Am thinking about joining AA. Why, when being offered a drink, can I only remember the wonderful feeling after two glasses of wine - and not the horrendous feeling the day after...

visch1

Welcome. The answer is probably that alcohol is controlling our body and mind. I recall almost constant thoughts of drinking toward the end. AA and all it entails gave me the tools to fight the craving then the tools to help get my thinking and living process together. Many of us didn't like the fact that the first drink gets us drunk. BE WELL

tomsteve

glad to be readin yer honesty. honesty will help ya greatly. it may ya drank because you havent admitted the extent of your problem to yourself.
if i were to have had alcohol around me early in recovery. there was a igh probability that i would drink. i had the craving, compulsion, and obsession.
remembering the wonderful feeling was something i did at one time. i wouldnt rememebr all the terrible things. when i look back on my drinking, yes, there were some good times, but there were 1000 bad times for every good time.

if you want to see what AA is about, doa google search for "big book online."
AA didnt just save my life. it took me from just existing and gave me a life i never imagined could be possible, one where the alcohol problem has been removed, no more feeling useless, i can look the wrld in the eye, and best of all, i can lok right at myself in the mirror and like who i see. no more gloom,dispair, and misery!!!

GracieLou

Alcohol: cunning, baffling and powerful

I think the hardest thing for me to finally except was the first drink is what got me drunk. Not the second, fourth or the half gallon. It was the first.

I read a story in the AA Big book a couple weeks ago and it hit me like a brick. It said "when she enjoyed it she could not control it and when she controlled it she did not enjoy it" That is me.

When I drank there was no thought of the next day. There was only that moment. And control it and still enjoy it? WTH is that?

I cannot understand the person that can have two drinks, enjoy it and stop anymore then that person understands why I continue after ten, twelve or twenty.

AA has helped me a great deal. I am 5 weeks sober today. Give it a try. They do understand. Listening in the open discussions and the lead meetings has helped. Hearing a bunch of sober people laughing is amazing

Sobreia

Thank you so much Tomsteve! Your words are so helpful and encouraging. I hope you are having a nice Sunday.

There are definitely a 1000 bad times for every good time, the problem is I suppress them (because of the shame and anxiety they cause) and only remember the good parts. I have been thinking about writing down some of the horrible things that have happened, but I am scared to do so, afraid of the feelings it will cause. The idea of being able to look myself in the mirror and like who I see sounds so wonderful, but right now so far away. I look "behind" myself now, not at myself. Mirrors make me extremely anxious.

How long have you been sober? How much/often did you drink when you drank?

Sobreia

Thank you so much GracieLou. What you write about control is exactly like my own experience, thank you for expressing it so well. My daily life involves a lot of control and perfectionism, alcohol allows me (momentarily) to let go of the high demands I put on myself. It is such a relief in that moment - but losing control is also what makes me most anxious about drinking...

I need to learn how to let go without alcohol. The habit of self-criticism and perfectionism might be even harder to break than the habit of binge drinking - or rather the former is the key to the latter. If I don't learn how to let go sober I will never become sober.

trikyriky

17 days is amazing. Never give up, never ever

Grymt

That might be why in aa one of the basics is to accept ones fundamental inability to be perfect. Therein a higher power. and from there a calm acceptance of life as it is in the now. It's a process as all things are there are stages. all stages change/pass but you have to let them.

2granddaughters

The program of Alcoholics Anonymous has kept me sober and sane for almost 24 yrs.

All the best.

Bob R

Dee74

Hi sobreia - I'm sorry you drank but I'm glad you found us again

Failure for having to quit drinking you mean?

I had to turn that idea around - accepting my problem and doing something about it was absolutely the best thing I ever did for myself.

I've allowed myself to grow, I do so much more with my life, and I feel free, not trampled down and imprisoned anymore.

My friends - my real friends - supported me.

Drinking again and again when I knew the cost to myself , valuing what others thought over what I knew was right for me - if anything here could be called a failure? that might be it.

D