Originally Posted by
GracieLou 
Alcohol: cunning, baffling and powerful
I think the hardest thing for me to finally except was the first drink is what got me drunk. Not the second, fourth or the half gallon. It was the first.
I read a story in the AA Big book a couple weeks ago and it hit me like a brick. It said "when she enjoyed it she could not control it and when she controlled it she did not enjoy it" That is me.
When I drank there was no thought of the next day. There was only that moment. And control it and still enjoy it? WTH is that?
I cannot understand the person that can have two drinks, enjoy it and stop anymore then that person understands why I continue after ten, twelve or twenty.
AA has helped me a great deal. I am 5 weeks sober today. Give it a try. They do understand. Listening in the open discussions and the lead meetings has helped. Hearing a bunch of sober people laughing is amazing
Thank you so much GracieLou. What you write about control is exactly like my own experience, thank you for expressing it so well. My daily life involves a lot of control and perfectionism, alcohol allows me (momentarily) to let go of the high demands I put on myself. It is such a relief in that moment - but losing control is also what makes me most anxious about drinking...
I need to learn how to let go without alcohol. The habit of self-criticism and perfectionism might be even harder to break than the habit of binge drinking - or rather the former is the key to the latter. If I don't learn how to let go sober I will never become sober.